Adoptive parents: What are your goals for your adoptee?

Serenity71

Its good to have goals in life...

Our goals at the moment are simple.(Joy and fun times are a given, unconditional love is too...)

We want to teach them how to set their own goals and expectations out of life when it comes to interests and achieving at school. Our job is to support and help them achieve those goals. (Let them grow and have the confidence without heaps of pressure to be mini me's of us. I NEVER wanted my kids to be a carbon copy of us, biological or adopted. I want to know what their talents are and interests, and if they do have a common interest that's great, if its different that's great too.

We have had education scholarships started from a young age so we can afford to pay for good schooling and university( if they chose to go on further and study.) So you could say that's a goal. I want them to be able to afford to do it... And if any of my girls do end up a teenage mother, I want them to still be able to study and keep their baby. I'll just be a busy grandma helping out so she's not disadvantaged, or feels its all over because career wise because she's a mother. (My parents had no money for anything beyond High School. Even then it was struggle. And living out of home and trying to educate myself beyond High School because country kids can't live at home and do it. Try living of toasted sandwiches and meat pies for months so you can pay rent. No partying at 17, that costs money.)

My goals aren't any different, adopting children hasn't changed the basics in what my husband and I had planned for our children's future in many area's. The challenges in most areas remain the same. They still have other things outside of adoption to deal with like other kids do. (School, friends who say or do hurtful things...)

The main things could be aspects of their open adoption. We can prepare for emotional reactions only to a degree, they are their own person after all, and how they react or what will bother them can't always be predicted.

wynn

I want my children to be healthy, confident, emotionally mature and stable people with good educations and the knowledge that they can look to my husband and I for support throughout their lives, no matter what. It would be the same if they were bio.

My only real challenge so far is that one of my children has self esteem issues. We're working through it. A lot of it has to do with her father's giving her up. She doesn't like to talk about it, but in talking through some problem behaviors she's had and asking her to think about why she does those things, she'll say feels unlovable. When we're working through why someone so kind, fun, loyal, smart, and beautiful is unlovable, she refers to her father. It takes a lot of time, because I'm never going to take the short cut and try to tell her how to feel. We're trying to help her explore her feelings for herself and if not express them to us, write them down in her journal.

Freckle Face

Emotional goals---peace, happiness & joy.

Life goals----to be herself and to love herself for who she is.

No these goals would not change if she were my biological child but it might be easier for her to obtain these goals.

By being her greatest fan, unconditional love, patience, being supportive and understanding.

current challenge.....On one hand she is happy she has us but on the other hand she is sad that her mother chose adoption for her. She cries whenever she talks about her relinquishment. My 10yr old daughter is in pain over this and there is nothing i can do for her but hold her and validate her feelings. This is her reality. She should be worrying about when the next high school musical comes out, not this stuff.

blank

To help them succeed in life.To allow them to still love their actual parents and to still see them.To treat them like they are my own.Because I do see them as my own and to raise them as my own.Teach them right from wrong.

BLW_KAM

I have only one goal for her: be happy. Since this was my main goal in life, I doubt if biology would have made a difference.

I am trying to help her build a firm foundation rooted in responsibility, judgment, consequences, empathy, honesty, security, failure, success, and above all, love.

The biggest challenges are yet to come. I see them clearly and I'm here on Y!A to prepare myself for them. What pain is she going to feel when she is old enough to emotionally understand she was the only one of four children placed for adoption? She knows her story, but she's not old enough to truly feel the emotional depth. How will she feel when I tell her her natural father was a gang member and drug dealer who left her mom? (She's almost ten and I haven't shared that part of her story with her yet.)

Since she was a baby I've been trying to help her build her own foundation so when the winds blow and the rain pours, she will be strong enough to withstand the storms.

Sofiakat

Over all Goal: I want my kids to heal and be happy and themselves.
Emotional Goal: I want my son to over come RADs and I want my daughter to accept the fact that she does have another mother.

If they were my biological kids they would not have issues surrounding adoption, but I would still want them to be healthy and happy.

I strive to meet these goals by keeping an open line of communication, by actively attaching and bonding with them, and by keeping their mother in their hearts in the best way I can.

Jennifer L

My goals for all my children (bio and adopted) are pretty much the same.

Emotional: I want them to be happy, emotionally healthy and fulfilled.
Life goals: I want them to be productive members of society, succeeding in whatever career or life path they choose.

The methods I utilize to help my children do vary, depending on the needs of each child. Each of my children are unique individuals. It stands to reason that their needs are equally unique. But generally, I try to find opportunities for them to further their interests and gain new experiences, this can be anything from an art class for a child that has an interest in art, or a trip to the museum, or a picnic in the park, or "Mom and Me" days.

Challenges:

Oldest son (bio): Teenager angst and everything that goes along with it. Plus, we're starting to look at life post-high school.
How I deal: Keep him busy. If he's tired, he can't get into trouble.

Daughter (pre-teen, adopted): Control. Some of this is typical adolescence, some of this (I'm sure) is adoption related. Much control over her life was taken from her and now she is eager to exercise control over every other situation she can. Frustrating at times, but understandable. Also, she was educationally deprived, so there was some major "catching up" to do.

How I deal: Extra educational support, numerous meetings with teachers and other resources to help her "catch up". She's doing pretty amazing, actually. As far as the control issues: Letting her keep as much control as she can, avoiding power struggles, especially over insignificant issues. Sometimes, she seems to want to just pick a fight and if she doesn't get one, loses interest in making it a power struggle.

Youngest son (7, adopted): Social skills. He's very energetic and active, doesn't always want to sit and listen. Can revert to "orphanage behavior", meaning that he sometimes will respond to real or perceived teasing from other children by pushing them down, hitting, taking toys, etc. Necessary survival skill in an orphanage, but isn't socially acceptible in the US.

How I deal: Reward good behavior, correct poor behavior. He responds well to praise and encouragement. Lots of sports to work off that excess energy and competitive nature.

AdoreHim

What I cannot understand is how people can think that we would have different goals for a child that is biological as opposed to adopted. Granted there can be different issues that may come out, however, that does not mean that we cannot have the same hopes and dreams for them, that we would have have a biological child- THEY ARE STILL OUR CHILDREN.

furfur

My only goal for my child it to be a happy, healthy, productive member of society. It is my job to guide her into a productive member of society. I can only hope and pray that the health and happiness will follow. If it doesn't I will love her just the same.

Freckle Face: It is good to hear that your child trusts you enough to let her emotions about her adoption out. I hope that I can do half as good a job as you are doing when the time comes! My daughter is only three, so she has heard of adoption, the name of her first mom, and we see her sister who had been placed for adoption as well. I know tougher times are coming!

Gaia Raain

My ultimate dream for my children is that they will feel safe in this world to be exactly who they are. That they will feel comfortable discussing, with whomever they choose, their positive feelings as equally as their negative feelings. That they will be validated and assured that they are heard and loved no matter WHAT they say.

I believe children should be empowered to make their own choices about their own bodies and minds (age appropriate, of course) so that they will know that they have the right to keep themselves safe. (I was molested as a child. I did not feel that I had a right to make decisions about my body. When I complained about others' actions that affected me bodily, I was ignored, ridiculed, or beaten. My children will NEVER experience this powerlessness if there's anything I can do about it.)

Ignoring or invalidating a child's emotions about his/her own experiences (about adoption, or whatever else) equates, in my mind, to what I experienced as a child. Invalidation leads to powerlessness.

This is one area where, no, I would not change if my children were born to me. Of course, the fact that my children will have been born to another couple will be acknowledged and honored, but MY dream for them would be the same either way.

I would help them achieve these goals by continuing keeping my ears open, validating their words, teaching them that their feelings are important. A friend of mine is raising an adopted child. Her top two family rules are as follows: In this family, we keep our feelings safe. In this family, we keep our bodies safe. Those two rules cover everyone in the family (meaning, you're not allowed to be disrespectful toward another person, but you are absolutely allowed to show your discontent with another person if that is how you feel).

Challenges...well, I guess I'll find out, won't I? The good news is that I have friends who have done this, who have lived this life, who have experienced success at this style of parenting (with adoptees and bio children). I know it can be done, and I won't make excuses or give up if it feels hopeless. Children who have already lost their entire family deserve parents who will NOT back down when others insist that adoptees should be "grateful" or that they're "whining" when they discuss their sadness at their tremendous losses.

Bottom line...my goals for my children are that they will feel safe and comfortable making their OWN goals, and making their OWN path in life. The rest of the goals are for myself: that I will be worthy of my children, that I will not give up on doing what's right for them, that I will acknowledge their natural RIGHT to know who they are and to speak their own truths. That I will encourage their own process and take care of myself (not putting my feelings on them to take care of). And that they will simply turn their noses up at anyone who dares call them names or accuse them of being "bitter", "ungrateful", "angry" or any other labels simply for wanting to acknowledge who they are.

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