Adoptive parents: What do you do to foster positive self-worth and personal identity for your children?

Lola

I make my forin adoptling feel at home. White,lower class and shop at Walmart on the 15th. What bout U?

opedial

I first am battling all the poor identity issues my children have from their abuse and neglect from the natural parents. I work every day to tell the children we love them, they are lovable, they are great at whatever they want to do.

We work with them on choices and that each choice we make does form a small part of our identity but does not for our whole identify, i.e. if you make a bad choice, you are not a bad person, but have to start making good choices.

We work with them on explaining their first parents and how they are not to blame for ending up in care. We explain that the parents were unable to parent, adn that hopefully the parents will make better choices in their lives to see the children when they are older.

We enforce that whoever they are is fine by us, they do not have to adjust themselves or be who they think we want them to be,. they need to be who they are and we will help them along the way to give them the tools to reach their fullest potential.

We discuss why their names were changed, and that they are free to use their old first names (now their middles names), and that we will call them whatever they want. We want them to know that their identify is part of their past, their present and their future, and we are here to help them develop.

Everyday they know they are loved, not just through words, but through actions etc.

And everyday we teach them about social responsibility, and teach our ethics to them......that is what I think we bring as parents, they have their past, and their culture, and their identity, and yes we hope they adopt some of "our" ways, but in the end, if all we have done is teach our children how to think, and know they are of value in this world, then that is all we can to to foster this positive self worth.,

I do feel as adoptive parents we have so much more work than children in their born families, because we are dealing with issues such as how the children feel about being adopted, and the abandonment issues that lower their self-worth. Every day is a battle to make them feel loved and secure, but worth it to us!

Kazi

My kids know they have a voice in our house. They can speak their minds and know that we will listen. This doesn't mean that they can have or do whatever they want, but they know that we value what they do have to say. We praise them. We cuddle them. We show that we genuinely like be around them, but also tell them they are just as lovable when they are naughty. We discipline them. We set boundaries. We encourage their individual talents and nurture their very different personalities. As my daughter is from China, we also celebrate her culture with language lessons, not only for her, but for us as well. We belong to a number of Chinese social organizations and maintain strong relationships with other families who adopted from China. I think it's important for my daughter to be able to grow up with girls who came from her orphanage and share similar experiences. I think that will become even more important as she grows up as they will be able to relate to one another. As for my son, we also maintain a great relationship with his former foster family who adore him and whom he adores.

wifeandmom

We tell them about how they look like their first mom or their dad. We had a good relationship with the first mom and have many things that we can say about her. My children have pics of their mom. They see their dad when ever they want. This helps because they have family that look like them and have family history there. We also talk about our family and how God made our family perfect. But my children were handed over to us and that makes them a gift given not taken away. My children listened as their mom and dad told them why they were being adopted. They even celebrated with us that they were adopted. All of this I think helps them to know that they are like Gold and have great beauty in themselves. We deal more with having 2 moms then the adoption issue. For us it was something we talked about openly with them and they know that we are open books to them. It is something I think more adoptive parents need to do. For APs who knew the mom pre-childbirth they could take pics, video cam them, or have them write a letter. Something that shows the child who they look like or write like. Children will always want to know how they look like their bio family.

Freckle Face

Hi Kristy,

I'm the oddball here. A big part of my children's identity is who they are, their roots, their dna. Its the foundation upon which all other aspects of self identity are built.

so what am i doing?

Teaching them their culture. Their roots. I teach them about their biological families. Pride, heritage, knowledge, traditions, are irreplaceable for our children. I know it will never be the same as being raised by their biological parents but its the best i can do as an adoptive parent.

DD has had African dance classes, African drum classes, Kwanzaa etc...... So recently when a boy tried to make her feel bad about herself because of the color of her skin......She said, "PPPfffft, I KNOW who i am. Only an idiot would think that way.

You know what, DD's going to be okay. She has such a confidence about her. she is amazing. I truly believe that confidence in who she is comes back to our enthusiasm in celebrating who SHE is and not who we want her to be.

Btw, DD wants to be a lawyer, we recently found out her mother is going to college to become a LAWYER. DNA is a huge part of identity. In adoption, as adoptive parents there is nothing really we can do about dna, except for open adoptions and to try NOT to down play dna and its importance. Our kids won't be like us. Just celebrate who they are.

Thats my take on identity. Its a tough concept to wrap my brain around. Of course, there are many more influences on identity later on...which is why i tried to remain on the basic "foundation" of identity. Or at least my current understanding of it:)

BLW_KAM

By letting her make decisions and deal with the consequences, by giving her responsibility, by cheering her on, by telling her she has the right to like what she likes, but Mom will never like tea, by letting her choose to pull back that beautiful bushy hair of hers every day because it embarrasses her, by giving an "Ata Girl" when she's made a great decision and by talking it through when she's made a poor one, by being here when she needs to talk and by buying her a training bra before she needs it.

Cam

By being a good parent. To teach about self-worth, goals, and responsibility, and to encourage individuality, and learn how to laugh and enjoy life.

As for adoption and the natural family;open adoption was important and a priority for all of us.

Albert Hall

Make them play as much video gamez as you can, and put cookees in their moufs.

Savaunnah B

don't tell them they have foster parents and tell them when they are about 16 or 17 andthey will be allright

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