Adoptive parents and birth mothers?

PhilM

I didn't reunite with that purpose in mind. I really didn't think I would have that relationship with my first mom. But it seems to have happened. I know it doesn't happen with all adoptees. And I would NEVER say that it ought to.

My story's kind of long, and I don't want to bore everyone... But I'll try to be brief.

When I first told my a-mom about my search, I told her I hadn't told her for a long time because I didn't want to hurt her feelings, or feel like I was replacing her. She said something to me, in that moment, that has stuck with me. "Your heart is big enough to love more people. I'm not worried."

Maybe growing up in a divorced home made me uniquely suited to have multiple sets of parents. After all, I've had three step-parents, two adoptive parents, two parents-in-law, and now one first mom. (I should say, I didn't love all the step-parents, but they were in my life, like it or not. I do love my in-laws like parents.)

My first mom has never tried to take my adoptive parents' place. She has said, repeatedly, that she knows she can't replace them (and that she doesn't deserve to be in my life - but I think she's over that now). Over the holidays, my adoptive mom called my first mom "your mom." Then she stumbled around trying to explain and correct. I think she was headed for "other mom." But my adoptive mom thinks of her as my mom, too. But not as a replacement.

I'm still not totally sure how to explain all this. My best try, at this point, is grandparents. No one has any trouble understanding how to relate to two sets of grandparents. Society is at peace with that situation. I don't love one set less, just because I love the other. I guess I've begun to think of my situation with my two moms the same way. (To be sure, I'm still not sure about all of this. That's why I asked my question.)

I don't know if this helps any. I wasn't offended. I think this is an odd situation that we adoptees are just trying to sort out. Society hasn't even tried yet. I suspect we all struggle with this question.

I want to repeat (because I know that we've had our differences, and I want to be clear) I DON'T think you are wrong to not call her your "mother." I respect your situation and your feelings surrounding these people in your life. I really think this is one question that has to be answered by each individual for their own situation.

Southern Comfort

I found my son when he was 36. Luckily he had been searching for me also. He calls me Mom. I call his raising Mom his Mom when we talk about her. We had a family cookout with them and his siblings. None of the others ever wanted to find their birth moms just him. They now have said they might look but don't really expect to have the same experience we have had. I was a scared 15 yr. old forced by my family to give my son up for adoption. His a-dad died when he was 7. He is happy to know all my other children and to know that I grieved for him and talked about him to them all these years. He calls every week or two and we visit once a year. I am blessed.

Andraya

I think I have said this before but I'll do it again.

When I was about 6 my a-mom started having health problems. She had never had an easy life physically. Scoliosis had ravaged her back in her early teens forcing her to endure multiple surgeries and be on permanent bedrest for over 6 years. She developed asthma in her 30's that quickly declined and brought on chronic lung disease. By the time I was 10 she was living between the local hospital and an extended care centre. From 10 on I raised my younger brother, was in charge of running the household and trying to help my mother live as much of a life as could be possible. She died when I was 14. That was 16 years ago today. January 9, 1992, 9:53 pm.

My a-dad quickly remarried, 10 months later. I was not close with my stepmom and my a-mom's entire family walked out on my brother and I after her death. I invented an entire family to help ease my losses. Loosing two mothers by 15 is not something I would suggest anyone try dealing with.

When I was 21 I found my Mom. The relationship was not a mother/daughter one right off the bat. It took dedication and hard work. It really didn't take very long though. Within 3 days of meeting I was living with her and my healing was starting. Within 6 months my sister had moved across the country to live with us and by the time 7 months had passed I was calling my n-mom Mom.

She is my mother. She has been there for me longer than my a-mom was able to be. It is very hard to be an active parent from your deathbed but she did the best she could. I never had the chance to know her as an adult, she is forever lost to my childhood memories. So while I have had two mothers I only have one left. And yes I cling to her like glue. I am not willing to face being a motherless daughter again.

**edit
Got the mommy brain going, it was yesterday. today is thursday. i haven't slept. sensory disorders in children BLOW!

amyburt40

I have a very good relationship with my adoptive mother. To be honest, I started my search looking for my father. Adoptive fathers in my life left alot I mean alot to be desired. If a parent can love more than one child, then a child can love more than one parent. Its this way now in step parent relationships. I have been on that end too. Mothers come in all shapes and forms. I am the daughter of two women. Both have influenced me.

Here is an example: When I had my first daughter, a friend came to visit. Somehow we got on the topic of adoption. I told her that I was an adoptee. She asked if I had ever searched. I told her that I want to but I didn't have the money to do so. She told me that she was a natural mother. I asked her the same question. She said that she felt that she didn't have the right to search. For a moment in time, I was her child and she was my natural mother. I have had this experience on numerous occasions. Its healing for me and my adoptive mother when I run into those situations.

An adoptive mother could not have become a mother without another mother. Ask most of the adoptive mothers on this board, they will agree with that statement. If you love your child, you will honor your child's parents no matter who they are or how bad they are.

Gershom

I call both of my mothers mom, I talk to both of them every week, and both of them are called grandma by my children. They each are a support system to me. I'm confused, whats the big deal about it? shes my mother too. She didn't make an adoption "plan" she went into the hospital, planning on bringing me home. Her brothers and sisters were at home planning OUR welcome home party. She met a social worker in the hospital and surrendered that day. She went home empty handed to a huge party for US and ended up having to tell everyone that she surrendured me. We didn't see eachother for 21 years but that doesn't mean she didn't care about me, love me and miss me, she even tried to get me back, but it was too late.

denise2orderavon

I am a lot like Sunny - I never had that mother/daughter bond with my mom (my adopted mom) like I see other girls have. I was always jealous of that until I met my birth mother. I have known her for 9 years now and I still don't really call her mom. I call her by her given name. Mom to me will always be the woman that took care of me all my life. But, since I have met my birth mother, that awesome mother/daughter bond is there, even though I am 30 and have only known her for 9 years! I can't explain that bond...it's just there. They always say there is a bond between mother/daughter and after meeting my birth mother and immediately feeling that bond I believe it! Unfortunately, I can't really form that bond too much because it upsets my mom - so I am at a crossroads! I want that mother/daughter bond I have craved all of my life, but out of respect to my mom I feel like I have to hold back.

My birth mother gave me up because she was 14 when she had me...she didn't have a choice and I am thankful that she gave me up because I had a much better life with my mom and dad than my birth mother could have given me.

Heather B

I think we have the capacity to love more than one person, there is certainly room in my heart to love lots of people!

As for a mother/child relationship, that's gone, I'm an adult now and capable of handling my own adult relationships.

LaurieDB

Giving up a child is usually seen as a positive, selfless act. It is viewed as the most loving action parents can do when faced with having a child for whom they cannot properly provide. This incredible amount of love and selflessness certainly would place them in the category of a mother and a father, imo.

That said, many non-adopted persons consider women and men other than their parents to be "second moms" or "second dads" to them. It is entirely up to their discretion and their own definition of the relationship when making their determination of whether or not that relationship has the qualities that s/he feels puts that person in that category.

Why, then, should adopted people justify their own reasons for considering someone else a "second mother" or second father?" Why should it matter to anyone else what criteria a person uses for making such a determination, whether adopted or not?

Just because someone is adopted does not mean s/he he is incapable of more than one relationship that is "motherly" or "fatherly" in nature. Really, it is the business of every individual (adopted or non-adopted) how s/he defines that.

Robin

I first met an older half sister who, it happens, was raised by her paternal aunt. We have the same first mom; who had been in a motorcycle accident. So my sister ended up with her aunt....but that's another long story.

I lived with my mother for 15 months. My sister's (paternal) aunt met me during that period. I was reunited with her when I met my sister. She threw her arms around me like a long lost daughter, though she was a stranger to me. She introduced me to her children saying, "This would have been your sister, & this would have been your other sister." Had she known I was available for adoption, she would have taken me.

When I met my first mother a week later, I expected to 'know' her, to feel some sense of recognition because I'd lived with her for 15 months & she visited me until age 3 when I was adopted. She was also a complete stranger to me. To her, however, I was her long lost daughter. It was strange to be so 'enveloped' by people who so obviously knew me, but I had no memory of. Strange & a bit surreal.

Over time, as we got to know each other, our relationship grew. Until she died, she always thought of me as her "daughter", nothing less. She was respectful of my parents & asked how they were. They asked about her, too. I don't think I was ever fully honest about my childhood with her, because I didn't want her to feel bad. Even though she really had no choice in relinquishing me.

It would have been a fairy tale ending for me to have found my long lost mother & finally have the "mother-daughter" bond that never developed with my adoptive mother.

My a.mom reluctantly agreed to my adoption (to please my father...another long story...my life seems full of them...LOL). She had 3 biological children, including a daughter, who was her favorite among all of us. I was constantly compared to her in an unfavorable light. My a.mom was abusive & I received the brunt of her rage, both verbal & physical - up to the time I left home at 16. And even when I was first pregnant with my daughter.

In spite of that, my parents were my parents. Good, bad or indifferent, our parents are the people who raise us. My first mom & I could never fully recover what we lost to adoption. That is, the 20 years we were separated.

I didn't go "looking for my mom" when I searched. That's just another myth that non-adoptees (& apparently some adoptees, too) seem to have difficulty accepting.

I searched out of "curiosity" - although that term doesn't even come close to describing the BURNING NEED I felt to know my own story. I searched for a medical history - for me & for my children. I searched for my heritage. I searched to find out why my mother gave me up. I found siblings, something I hadn't even considered when I began my search. WOW! That was an amazing & unexpected joy.

"How can a mother give up her child? What kind of person could she be? Why would you want to find HER?" How many times did I hear that during my search!

As I said, it would have been a fairly tale ending for me to finally have that mother-daughter bond. Luckily for me, I now have that with my own daughter. Tho I must admit, the separation from my first mom & the failure to bond with my second has had a negative effect on my ability to connect. I am only now beginning to heal.

Lillie

It's kind of like when you get married, and you inherit a mother-in-law. You can love your mother-in-law too, can't you? Some people even call their parents-in-law "mom" and "dad".

My relationship with my mother has been up and down, mostly down, but I still will always consider her my mother. I also still consider my a-mom as my mom, even though she's been dead for 11 years, that will never change.

Why do adoptees have to pick and choose? The heart has an amazing capacity to love.

sunny

I'd guess you are still quite hurt by your natural mother's actions. But I'm still confused as to why you're upset about other adoptees relationships to their OWN natural mothers...

My 'mom' is the mother who raised me. She's sort of my custodial mother. We are so different, and were never very close. My natural mother is someone I guess emotionally 'saved' part of myself for her without knowing it. I have known her for 20 years now.

Emotionally, she is very much my 'mama'. She 'gets' me without having to explain my thinking ad nauseam to her. She made me, and she was with my father for 11 years. She KNOWS my ingredients! I was always a mystery to my amom. She was always saying, I don't know where you get that from! Duh!

Anyway, I think you ought to read the Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler.

Take Care.

Lori A

Okay as you know I am Rachaels first mom, birth mom, what ever mom. We do not have that mother daughter relationship. What we have is strong, very strong, but it's not the same as what she has with her parents. In fact it is hard for me explain what we have. The only time I realy feel like her mother is when we start comparing genetic traits. We may not look alike from the front but we have confused my grand daughter from behind, and just in talking to us in general. Rachaels daughter is the only one who can make these comparrisons as she knows her mother and when she talks to me it is like talking to her mother all over again. We have the same manerisms and ususlly give the same answers.

We are very close but it is more like friends.
Her relationship with her Amom is the mother daughter relationship. She is still very much her parents daughter. What her and i have is totally different and I haven't quite found the words for it yet.

Add finding her dad to that and the fact that we all get along and keep in touch is just beyond something I can explain. Maybe she would be better at it.

rascals_9

Well I became pregnant at 19. After wavering my decision several times I decieded to give my child up. He's now 9. We (me & the adopting parents) both agreed to an open adoption. That's what they wanted also. They wanted their child to know who brought them into this life. When I first spoke to the a-mom on the phone, we just clicked right there. I knew that they were the ones. We spoke over the phone and they flew in for the birth. Now it's more of a friendship with them.
Now as for my son, since he was born the a-parents have used the birth mother language and adoption in their daily lives, so he has an understanding of who I am. But I was originally intruduced to the children (they concieved only 4 weeks after they arrived home with their son), as a family friend. When he was five, he asked me on the phone "Are you my birth mommy?" I was lost for words. I knew that eventually over time he would ask me that question, I just didn't realize it would be that soon. I talk to him once a year around his birthday. I don't want to be pushy and I don't want to invade his space. One day I wish/dream for a mother/son relationship, if that's what he wants.
My relationship with the adoptive parents is more of a friendship. I get along with both of them so well. We share many of the same values in life and they send pictures and cards, and I'm able to see how he's growing up. We have some of the same ethnicity background and they wish that one day he'll want to just pick up the phone and call me, or want to come for a visit.
So my relationship with my son and the adoptive parents is still early in the making. But it's an open adoption. So there's no shock to the child to learn about it in their teens. I wanted my son to have the life that I knew that I could not give him. I didn't want him growing up in a household that is full of agression (my parents were in the middle of a divorce). My friends and family supported my choice and I happy that he's got the life & he'll have the opportunity to do many things that I knew I could not provide.
Sorry for going off the subject just a bit, but that's my story and I hope that helps with your question.
If anyone wants to know more I'm open to questions.

snowwillow20

I do not have a mother/daughter relationship with my birth daughter and didn't expect too. I gave my rights away, but I do have a friendship with her. I do not expect her to treat me as her mother. She has a mother. I would not stop her from calling me mom is she chose to but I don't expect that will happen.

Sambo

I would never want to meet my birth mother. As far as I'm concerned she gave birth to me and that was that. She was not interested in seeing me grow up and it was her choice to put me up for adoption. My (adoptive) mum is my mum. She has been there through everything, mopping up tears and celebrating achievements. Mum has said that she would support me if I ever wanted to find m y birth mother but why do I need to whaen I already have a mum?

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