Adoptive parents...how much contact did you have with first parents?

wholelottacats

Before he was born - none whatsoever. She didn't decide on adoption until after he was born, and then contacted our agency. She signed TPR and then chose us, and we did not meet her until placement. We did ask questions through her caseworker (about his name, mostly) before we met her.

The contact we have now is what she chose - semi-open with letters and pictures on a set schedule. She was given the option to specify exactly what and when she wanted it by our agency. Our agency actively encourages us to honor our commitment to the frequency of contact she chose (reminders that an update is due, etc.) We have sent updates more frequently, and have tried to make it clear to her, without pressure, that we are open to more contact, when and if she ever wants it. Should that happen, our agency offers to facilitate the first meeting, though it isn't required - and then steps out of it completely. My husband and I want more contact, but obviously won't force it on her.

I am one of those who believes that there shouldn't ever be any contact between the PAPs and expectant mother pre-birth. She shouldn't be shown profiles, either. She should be allowed to meet her child, spend time with them, then make her decision, without any other pressure.

ETA: believe it or not, there are a lot of APs I know who don't think they have a right to be in the delivery room, who don't walk around talking about "my baby" when they are matched, who don't believe in pre-birth matching.

I know a lot of the other ones, too.

Freckle Face

None.

Always Seeking Knowledge

As a teenager I put my oldest child up for adoption, I had no contact with adoptive parents or child through childhood but once she became of age and located me (I signed up for Find Birth Parents) I now have constant contact with the adoptive parents and I don't refer to them as her adoptive parents but as her parents cause that is who they are. I respect the fact and can never thank them enough that they found it in their heart to take in my child and raise her as their own and love her as if she had been conceived by them. She was a very fortunate and blessed child because a lot of African American children during those times weren't adopted (IDK about now) they were destined to grow up in foster homes w/o nurturing or the love of a kind person. I was 15 and had no say in the matter, the decision was made by my parents and I was taken to a home for unwed mothers I was the youngest there. I was amazed to find that there were married women, college students, and yes girls of other races because back in those days society swore that only us of color had babies out of wedlock!

Jennifer L

None. We adopted school-age children.

tish_part deux

i had NO contact with the paps of my son. i was simply told that they were an affluent black couple in suburban cleveland, ohio; who couldn't have children, and that i was her LAST chance for a baby because most black girls had "unadoptable children."

and that they thought i was "cute" from my agency picture; and had "pretty hair."--blehh...

the agency sold them to me as if they walked on water.

honestly, i'm glad i never met them. i really think my decision to parent was easier because i didn't have all the "you are so wonderful" "thanks for the gift" sappiness...

sizesmith

Our was a unique situation I think. We were introduced by a mutual friend, and by their request, the first parents wanted to stay with us, to see how we functioned, got along, and to make sure they knew that it was a right decision. They did this not only with the son we adopted, but afterwards, with a child that the mother decided to keep.

I was quite opposite of coersive to the best I could be. I not only sat the moher down, and made sure that she knew that there were options, through the pregnancy resource center, as well as several other offices, I even offered that if she decided to keep him, that everything we'd purchased for the baby she was welcome to, and that I wanted the baby to have everything, like the crib, clothing, and everything in the nursery. I even left her and the dad at the attorney's office when we signed papers, and told the attorney to answer any questions that they might have in private, and that I'd pay the bill for anything they might ask.

We try to keep the adoption open, but unless the first mom needs something, she doesn't come around. Her oldest son is allowed contact with our son (his brother-forever in my book) through his dad.

I strongly recommend first parents getting to know the adoptive parents very well. Although I could be wrong, I think I'd want to know for sure if there was a happy environment, or a sad one my child was being taken into. As an AP who got to know his first parents so well, I know that when he does certain things, that it's like his dad, or his mom, or his brothers or sisters.

BTW-we didn't use an agency. I don't like their secrecy, and I'd much rather adopt privately again, so that way, we can maintain a relationship with the first family, which I think ultimately is easier on the child.

cmc

Our agency was very open to contact. They put us in touch with one woman who was considering placing with us but hadn't decided if she wanted to parent or not. They just checked in with both of us from time to time, but let us establish our own relationship. She decided to parent, and shortly after we were contacted by another woman (contact came from outside our agency). This woman didn't want a lot of contact and our agency was fine with that too. We talked to her a few times by phone, and met at the hospital after the delivery, but for the most part her sister in law helped pass info as needed. We don't have ongoing contact, but can get in touch with each other if needed.

I really like our agency, because I don't think they pressured people to make a decision. Maybe there are cases where they did, but from my perspective, they respected the natural mom's right to decide, change her mind, and set her own boundaries.

sam22254

Their not adopted parents since they can't adopt him. But they had plenty of contact with the birth mother she is the one that told them they could have her baby. Don't worry about the father sad the adoption agency. Her new boyfriends family were the white trash that did it. Lies is all they know how to say. They knew the birth father was saying no that is why I'm glad that my son sued them and their church and the adoption agency. What gets me is that all these people that goes to the church that make sure they pay their 10% every week don't know that they are paying for a child stole though adoption. Boy I wish this would be over with. Everyone says that the child has bond that's not true. I know for fact that a child knows who their real parents are. He the child has came down for the summer and never once cried for them which is strange if my children where left any where at the age of 3 they would have had a fit./ I believe their are a lot of birth mothers like this all the adoption agency has to tell them that if the father gets the child them she is the one who has to pay for child support.

Rivkah

My twins' father was a client of mine when he was a teenager & the DA wanted to have him tried as an adult for a felony. I took his case pro-bono because despite his involvement with drugs and his completely chaotic home life, he showed signs of brilliance. We kept in contact after his case was over (I got it dismissed in a plea bargain), he got emancipated, went to community college, got married, and was holding a steady job when him & his wife started showing signs of AIDS. They were both dead before their babies were potty-trained, and in his will he asked me to adopt the twins. We searched for any semi-normal family members - brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles, great-aunts - and found none. Now the twins are 4 and 1/2, and when they want to talk to their birth parents, they have their older sister (I have four biological children) type up a message, tape it to a balloon, and release it outside.

Serenity71

ABSOLUTELY NONE BEFORE MY CHILD WAS BORN!.

Its illegal here for a potential adoptive parent to approach a woman thinking about giving a baby that's not even born yet. Its looked upon as cohesion and you can land you in a lot of trouble if its found out. And you get no sympathy from me when the high court rejects your application for adoption. They need to see the evidence that all the right processes have been done.

Even if you're approached by her if you have amy brains you'd be assessmed by DOCS and allow the expectant mother to be counselled by DOCS social workers on her rights and alternatives. Besides often a few months after a baby is born some women find a means to keep their child. During this time a potenial adoptive parent isn't allowed ANY contact with the expectant mother who is even hinting of relinquishing a baby for adoption.

Even when we were told my daughter has a sister who was in foster care as little baby we were NOT allowed to discuss anything relating to her future with her mother. It was all done through third party social workers to protect not only her but us as well. We had visits in the DOCS offices during that time to ensure no fingers could be pointed at us to say we had any influence in her decision to relinquish a second child. We were prepared to foster her if asked, but she wanted the girls together and be adopted.

A lot of people can't handle our adoption system because they feel its about them and their 'rights' to being a parent.

And oh if you get knocked back its descrimation of some kind...Rarely thats the case. The ones that can handle it (Strict medicals and assessments, ) and are prepared to put their pride on hold are cut out to be Australian adoptive parents.

Dayle

I have three adopted children. We have never had any contact with our older two children's first parents and we have very little information for them, but we are searching, they are of legal age.
My youngest son, I chat with his first mom, at least once a week, sometimes more.

Wundt

Our sons were adopted through foster care stemming from abuse and neglect. So, we have no contact with their bio mother, but are keeping all of their records in case they want to track down their family when older.

I have a niece who was adopted privately. She sees her bio mother 2 or 3 times a year. Usually around her birthday and the holidays. She has the option to call and see her mother more, but doesn't tend to do it very often.

My daughter has a friend who is also adopted. She never sees her bio mother and generally wants nothing to do with her. However, she talks to her bio father on a regular basis and plans to make him a larger part of her life when she is older.

Kazi

None.

Our daughter was adopted from China at 9 months old and our son was adopted from foster care at 2.

Indian-vision

before the child was born i had zero contact and i was not told of the birth for a few days. I was called a few days later and told to come to the hospital but be fully prepared as the mother may not be signing off the rights. I went with that mind set. I was O.K with both.

Erin L

I had no contact with our daughter's parents before our daughter's birth. Our daughter became available for international adoption at 5 months old after no permanant domestic placement in her country of birth was found.

Randy B

For our first adoption we had no contact at all before she was born since she only came to us from the orphanage at 8 months. Her birth parents were well out of the picture by that time.

Our second adoption was a bit different. She came to us at 4 days old through foster care and while we had no contact with either of the birth parents prior to that time (even getting the call for the placement was a surprise for us) we did exchange a bit of info through a communication book during scheduled visits before TPR. We never did meet them face to face though.

furfur

I am an adoptive parent to a darling three year old and her first mom did not want any contact, with the exception of letters and pictures being sent to her a few times a year. She had placed other children for adoption and we were told she was feeling ashamed that she had to do that again.

yeahright

I can imagine some AP's are. In a private US adoption, most of the conversations with natural parents and adoption plans I've seen that are WRITTEN by the first parents outline the kind of support, contact they wish and ASK to have with the adoptive parents prior to the birth. If they wish for none, or want to change their mind, they can and do.

We didn't have any--however, we would have welcomed it.

Adoptive Father

From the time we got the phone call until birth was two weeks. We talked to our son's first mom on the phone twice(?) and met once for lunch. She also invited us into the delivery room. My wife and I stood in the corner trying to stay out of the way. After wards she joked with us that we looked like a couple of deer caught in the headlights.

Mommy of 1 baby and 2 puppies!

My husbands (he is adopted) parents had zero contact with the birth parents, they do not even know their names!

Heather B

Awe, c'mon! where are all those people who insist on accompanying the expectant Mom to all the pre-natal check-ups, decide what vitamins she'll be taking and insist on being there at the birth

Come out come out wherever you are.

Nope, nobody is actually going to admit to unethical and coercive tactics here

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