Adoptive parents: when did you feel your maternal/paternal instincts kick in?

Serenity71

From the moment we saw her picture...which was after we accept her adoption. It all the maternal instincts that are naturally hard wired there inside of me kicked in.

My family felt the same, (and my in-laws too) my parents loved her from just from the photo's. My said said she was the most beautiful baby girl he'd ever seen. Her granddad loved her so much, right up until the day he died waiting out on the front porch for her to arrive home for Christmas just passed. (Aside from his own daughters :) ) But she was their first grandchild. They we just as thrilled the second time round. He barely got to know his second grandchild. (Which came as a surprise for all of us, no way did we see that one coming. My kids are biological siblings. They are so much a like yet so different. )

And the second we saw the picture of our second daughter it was the same intense feelings, out little daughter wouldn't let go of her picture in the DOCS office. We had to stick it on the fridge so she could look at all the time. Our kids connected the moment they met a week later. It was different in some ways the second time around, but just as much joy and intense love. Since the foster families both times lived four hours from us we had to stay at a friends house during the transition stage of three days. It would have been good to have done it a little more gradually, but they adjusted fast anyway.)

And they'ree partners in mischief these days. And are already growing very close in many ways. When my youngest is having a nap, her older sister wants to wake her up because she misses her.

Erin- those first few months were hard when our eldest daughter came home. I did feel a little displaced. I went from a stressful career going into peak season to being a full time mum in one week. (That's all the notice you get here, two days...) I tended to focus more on learning to be a mother in some ways despite the intense love we both felt for her. We made it through but it was hard. Didn't have much time to read parenting books. Lucky she didn't know what she was suppose to be doing either LOL What a roller coaster!

Edit; you know what if I didn't love my kids the way i do then my kids birth mother would have made a poor choice. She wanted them to be loved and nurtured in a safe loving home. Why else would she have chose us, that's right we were the ones who were chosen, not them. (sorry kids, you won't have to worry about that line being thrown your way...) Yeah I did feel relieved when the final adoption papers went through eight months later. even though by law she can't change her mind once a child is placed in family. Relinquishment papers and past 30 days cooling off period.

Helena- so you say, does that make all those grandparents that fall in love with their grandkids from photos deluded... So why is it suddenly different when you look at a picture of a child you know in a few days will be coming home with you. And maternal instincts are what makes us nurture, Giving birth isn't the only thing that sets that off in a woman we are designed to nurture by nature. Do some reading on it and you'll learn a few more things about that.

Erin L

Honestly, I don't think my maternal instincts kicked in completely until about 2 months after we first met our daughter. I loved her and was obviously very nurturing to her, but at around 2 months I stopped feeling the burden of how difficult parenthood was. From then on anything I did was because I truly was driven to do what my daughter wanted and needed, and I intensely felt the protective/would die for you/mama bear feeling that is just a whole new universe level from normal caring love that you would feel for say a niece or nephew who you loved.

Opedial

Well, I do think it may be different for older children. I will admit I was smitten with my children and grew into loving them, but for one of my children it was not love at first sight. When you adopt children with behavioural issues, it just does not come natural to be able to deal with the yelling, soiling, screaming, hitting etc. etc. etc.

This takes time. I can say that I loved them, the idea of them, from day one, but true love takes time. We are there now, but I will say bonding takes time when a child spends a great deal of time telling you to F-off. (actually he said fusk you.....learning disabilities too)

This all said, maternal instinct is perhaps something else. This is something I did not have the luxury of when my children first moved in, because I wasn't just mom, I was counsellor, specialist, play therapist. speech therapist etc. etc. I had to get to know my children, take them off the drugs the system put them on to control their behaviour. I had to spend that front end time as I did when I was a foster mom, as advocate, champion for their rights. Champion for them to heal and grieve. Mom stuff really came after about four months, when I could relax a bit and become mom, and this I love.

I just have to say it is different adopting children with high needs who are older. Not worse, and I never complain, but I just didn't have time for the Romanticism of adoption because I had children who were scared, confused and grieving.

Well, off to put my mom hat on to play some board games!@!

Randy B

With our oldest daughter it was literally the first moment I laid eyes on her. If it was in a movie you would have heard a thunder clap and saw lightning. For my wife it took a bit longer but within the week she was fine.

For our second one it too me a bit longer but thats because it was a foster to adopt situation and we knew that nothing was set in stone till TPR was done. I think it was just due to my legal background and knowing there was a system to play out. My wife was the other way around though. It was her lightning and thunderclap moment this time.

chickadee

Mine kicked in when our son's first mom chose us to parent her child. I think that is very natural and I won't apoogize for it. I would have still been perfectly okay if she changed her mind and decided to parent. I would have turned the instinct off because that is no longer my child and I am no longer the mother. I think once a first mom chooses you to parent, she probably wants you to have maternal instincts toward her child. Just like my son has two moms now, he can easily have two moms before he is born, if that's the way the first mom wants it.

We are in the process of adopting again and I'm sure I will have a maternal instinct again when we are chosen by a first mom. Even more so now than before, I am perfectly okay if the first mom changes her mind, and once again, I will willingly let go of that maternal instinct. However, I am not going to feel bad for feeling motherly towards a child who I might possibly parent for the rest of their lives. There is nothing wrong with that.

ETA: I knew I would get a thumbs down. I guess it would be better to be void of any maternal/paternal feelings until the adoption is finalized 6 months later when you are officially the mom and dad. Emotional neglect and abuse are always better for the child. Aparents can't have any maternal/paternal love for a child. Then they are evil because they aren't officially the parents. Love is such an evil, horrible thing don't you know? Especially if it's from an Aparent!

I know myself and I know that I am stable enough to feel maternal before a child is officially mine. I can let the child go if the first mom decides to parent. But, you can't expect other people to understand that because any love from an adoptive parent before the adoption is finalized is just horrible and wrong!

BLW_KAM

For me is wasn't when I saw her for the first time or the second time or even the day she came home. She was very unsettled and she screamed a lot. I understood. We were her third home in five weeks and she was still dealing with drug exposure issues.

I cried over her many times during the first few weeks because I felt like a total failure. I was exhausted, she was exhausted and my confidence was slipping.

Then came the day, the wonderful day about a month after she came to us when I sang a new lullaby to her and she looked me fully in the face for the first time and calmed down. In that instant I stopped being her caretaker and I became her Mommy in my own mind. I fell in love.

aloha.girl59

I don't know that my parenting instinct kicked in when I first saw my son's picture, but that's the moment I knew I would love him.

I felt protective of him from the very beginning. During one of our visits with him when he was still in foster care, we took him to the county fair. I took him on the giant slide (you know...the ones where you sit on a burlap bag?) and my husband took a picture of us as we were coming down the slide. I am hunched over my son, who is sitting in front of me, with my arms wrapped around him. There is a big difference when compared to a picture of my husband taking our then foster son on the slide -- he's holding onto the boy, but not as tightly and he's sitting ramrod straight! Men. LOL!

I think the first time I REALLY felt parental was when our son had tubes placed in his ears just after his fourth birthday. When the doctors wheeled him into the OR and he cried, I cried too! I wanted to go with him and actually felt sick to my stomach because they took him away from me. I was scared spitless that they'd hurt him in some way and I didn't stop crying until the doctor found me in the waiting room about 30 minutes later to tell me my son was fine. That was the first time I realized that someone else's pain could also hurt ME.

Of course, none of that is to say that I didn't love or feel protective of my son prior to him turning 4! I have loved him since the day we met him (when he was 2-1/2). It's just that you hear all these little sayings when you're growing up and you never know what they TRULY mean until you are a parent yourself. My example was the one about feeling his hurt.

sizesmith

Our son's first mom, by her own wishes, stayed with us during her pregnancy. I'd see his first mom not eating right, or taking a risk like walking on slick rocks in a creek, and I just cringed, and literally walked so close to her, to protect her, just to protect him and her. The second I laid eyes on him, I photographed him 77 times, and held him, and loved him, and I just knew he'd be mine. Ironically, I also knew even when his younger sister was placed with us, that even though I loved her dearly, I knew she wouldn't be mine. I just felt it in my gut.

What I didn't realize was how uptight I was about his adoption. When the stroke of the clock and the phone call was made to confirm that she hadn't changed her mind after the 10 day waiting period, it was just such a relief, that I felt like I'd been through 100 hours of hard labor (and I do know what hard labor is-my labor with my first son was so long and so hard, we both died on the table, and my mother literally had to have surgery after it because her foot arches collasped from rubbing my back). The exhaustion, the excitement, the relief, and everything was so strong. I broke out in a sweat like never before. At the same time, I also cried for his first mom, because I knew the grieving she was going through to a point.

There were different types of love and protection. Even after he'd been in my home for over 6 months, when the adoption papers finally were finalize and legal, there was even a different feeling. I think in some ways, my first son didn't get that many emotions into his birth, because I was young, the pregnancy was unexpected as I was on birth control, and with my second, the joy was anxiously awaited.

â™¥â™¥Mum To Superkidsâ™¥â™¥

I think for me my maternal instincts tend to kick in pretty early. I feel very protective over my children in the beginning, kind of that "I have to protect them from any more harm" deal. It doesn't take much to feel compassion and empathy for a vulnerable and traumatised child, imo.

The love that you feel for your children, for me grows with time. My relationship with my children, like any other has to be nurtured and supported and gradually instincts, compassion and empathy grow into a deeper kind of love.

Sweet question :-)

JoHn S.

I felt a bond with him before he was born, but more of a concern and care for his future, hoping the best for him, if he didn't come to us. Then, he was born and I knew I loved him, but I had my guard up, in case the adoption didn't go through. The love was there, because even with my guard up, I couldn't turn the love off. However, it felt more like the love you would have for a niece or nephew.

Then, 2 weeks later, the hotel we were staying at had a fire. The alarms went off in the middle of the night. I grabbed him, wrapped him up and covered his face, then ran down 3 flights of stairs through smoke and a blaring alarm. The entire time I was scared, not for myself, or dying, but for him. I kept thinking what would happen to him, if I didn't make it. Who would hold him and take care of him until my family could get to him? Who would keep him warm in the cold dark night? My ONLY thought and fear was that he would be alone if something happened to me. I don't mean for the rest of his life (because I knew that wouldn't happen), but rather for the hours during and after the fire, until the rest of my family could come to get him.

After it was all over and we could get back into a room, my mom (who was with me at the time) tried to take him from me (to lay him down) and I wouldn't let go. I started weeping uncontrollably and that is when I realized that my love for him is a mother's love. I stayed up the rest of that night, just watching him sleep.

By the way, he never woke during that chaos, smoke and blaring alarm, and all.

Roberta P

It was there when we made the decision to adopt. It intensified a million fold when we finally saw their pictures.

AdoreHim

Before I personally answer this, I have to say that being a biological mom does not necessarily mean you have maternal instincts immediately either. Some start being maternal while carrying their babies, and some take a while, and some never really are maternal. But as an adoptee and then as an adopted parent, I can tell you for me maternal instincts kicked in long before we even met the birth mothers of our children. Because I wanted to be a mother so much. However, bonding began when we went to the doc appt with the birth mom of our oldest. Then we saw ultrasound pics of both, and that got me even more excited that I was going to be a mom. When our son and daughter were placed in our arms it grew even more.

luckywife

its amazing when you do the foster care I try to make each kid the best parenting skills when you first get them and then when you get your chance to adopt its amazing the joy and happiness just comes to you.

âœ§ â“â“˜â“›â“¨ â™¥ kaelers, emy & bella

Well, my foster (soon adopted) daughters are my nieces, so I have known them their entire lives. The protective, worrying instinct came in about 4 years ago, when my oldest godson was born. I was not around my nieces as much as I was him, but the instincts I had around him began to transfer to them after that.

When they came to live with us in November, it increased tenfold. I had a baby of my own in September (never anticipated becoming a caregiver, let alone a parent to my nieces), and I'm sure that had a lot to do with it, but I've figured out that my parental instincts tend to kick in in any child if I'm around them frequently.

Maternal instincts don't exactly = love with me. Initially, anyway. I'm a naturally protective person with children and animals, the instinct will kick in in any child I've been around a lot, whether love is there or not. I think it took me a while to love my nieces the same as my daughter, though I always loved them as my nieces. It was the role adjustment that caught me off guard, and that I had never expected to fill that role for anyone but my biological daughter.

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