Adult Adopted People: How Does an A-Mom Face All of This and Give her children her best?

Okay, First off I will be seeing my daughters Shrink today for an emergency appointment...Not for her but for myself.... Just so that anyone knows this first....

I am so filled with Grief my play here at YA has been a few weeks distraction but, a fact is a fact and the truth is that when alone I can't stop crying for over a week now.

My children and they are mine were adopted 5 years ago as Special Needs Siblings from foster care.... It has been a heartbreaking road... and a week ago we finally managed to get her education resolved... She will attend a Day Treatment program---most likely until graduation... Social Security will step in when she is 14 for Disability services... We can Only pray she eventually has a day where she doesn't need someone at her side to keep her safe...

She was the only child of 6 to live with her mother on the streets... Her brother's birth saved her life.

She loves her mother and I respect that...

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Additional Details
...but, her baby brother now 6 yrs old has come to see the fact that sissy was hurt real bad...and will never outgrow brain damage....

The problem is right now that He is Angry has rejected his birth name and hurts his sisters feelings because he can't remember the difference between the words Birth mother and Baby Sitter...

He has his own issues--different than hers but, big in his own way... He will be more able then she will be...

He is angry and She is upset that he doesn't care... She loves to see pictures of their mother--He ripped his up and said she was ugly...

I don't know how I can be sensitive to Each of their feelings without hurting the other?

And...now, I am at a point where when I am alone I just Weep...and that is the reason I am seeing her shrink today...

Does anyone have an Idea of what I can do to Honor both children's feelings and not hurt the other?

spydermomma

Oh Anna,
(((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))... to you.

You are already doing what would be my best advice --seeking help and support for yourself. Keeping yourself healthy-- physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually--is the best thing you can do for your kids.

Your kids both have a very hard road to travel in this life. You cannot make that all better for them, no matter how hard you try. All you can do is love and support them -- and from my viewpoint you are doing a great job of that. Both of your kids have very valid feelings and perspectives. Yes, they are in conflict, but that doesn't mean they aren't both "right." It is hard because it sounds as if your daughter might have a hard time ever understanding how your son feels, because of her brain damage. And your son has a hard time understanding his sister because of how young he is. But he is getting older and because of his experiences probably understands some things beyond other kids his age (unfortunately for him). So maybe talk it over with him and tell him that you understand he is angry, but that his sister's feelings are also valid--and you will help him have a safe place where he can express his feelings away from his sister. I think letting them express their feelings separately may be the only way to do this. But of course that won't always be possible....

Just thinking out loud here... Is there some kind of respite care available to you? Does your son have a counselor? Will the Day Treatment center offer counseling and support to your daughter (I would hope...)? Somehow it seems as if both you and your son need more time without the pressure of your daughter's needs...

You are no doubt right that the relief of the awful pressure you have been under regarding the school thing has triggered at least some of the crying. You couldn't break down before, because you had to be strong--so you were. Now that it is successfully resolved, you have a chance to release the pent up feelings. I get that. So once this new situation is in place it will be easier for you. Or at least I hope so.

You know all this, much better than I. And it sounds as if you are doing everything right--and then some. But make sure you get what you need in terms of mental health and nuturing, and just rest.

Best wishes and hugs to you.

ETA:
Oh, I'm glad your daughter (and you) has such a good Dr. And I'm VERY glad you were smart enough to know you needed help and to get it. These kids need you, sure, but YOU need you even more!

More ((((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))

Freckle Face

Wow, you're amazing.

Forgive my ignorance as i am not familiar to what exactly your children's special needs are. (except daughters brain damage)

What about telling your son that its okay for him to feel any way he wants but he must do so in a respectful manner. Remind him that you can be angry at someone and still love them.

Yep, thats all i've got.... I wish i could offer more.

Good luck. I'm glad you are getting some help with this difficult situation. I wish you and your family all the best.

(((((hugs)))))

Cam

Wow...I don't know what to say and don't have an answer except from what I've read from you here you seem to be an amazing person. Good luck with your appointment and my thoughts are with you.

Adopted Jane

Well I just want to give you a big hug.
I dont know what the answer is but I really feel for you
And yes this is where I believe that Adoption is Necessary for abused children and orphans

It breaks my heart to hear of babies with FAS And drug addicted at birth Just breaks my heart

Just do the best you can and yes get counseling for yourself and as a family unit

Lori A

I know it has no direct connection but might be able to be used as a guideline. When I met rachael I cried for weeks on and off. It was a release, finally being able to let go of all that junk. When we met her dad the same thing happened all over again and it felt exactly the same. I cried on and off for weeks. I also had a freind tell me one time that she was tough as nails during crisis situations but as soon as it was over she would pass out. Is it possible that this is a release over a long and enduring battle. I'm no doctor just taking a guess.

surfnerd

you sound like a really good mom to me

cowgirl

First, I have no adopted children so I can't answer from that perspective. Maybe all they really need is someone who sits with them and listens, and doesn't offer advice. Or offer 'I can see why that would make you feel sad (mad, hurt, etc).'
You cannot change their past. Just tell them you'll be there for them in the future. Give them your best. When we are weak, God is strong.

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