Adult Adoptees: how you would feel about your own children asking about your adoption or about your biological?

My mom and I are very close, but her adoption is something I have always treaded lightly on; but I have so many questions about her biological parents.
Most of the stories she tells about her childhood involve her adopted family - however she was with her biological mother until she was 7 or 8. I know her biological father tried to contact her when she was in her early 40's and she had no interest. I know he died a few years ago and that her b-mom died very young (early 30's - this is one of the things I would like to know about, I know she died of an illness, yet I don't know what - I also don't know why she gave my mom and her siblings up). It isn't that she is closed off about the subject as a whole, last summer she even went to a family reunion and she emails with one of her biological aunts (yet has no interest in seeing her). I just feel like I might hurt her feelings by asking about this family (we were both very close to my grandma and I would never want my mom to think my interest in her biological family has anything to do with not loving my grandma) I just have questions specifically about mental health.

HappyMomAnna

I can't answer as an Adoptee but, I can as the mother of children with an Adoptee Father...

Our children had so many questions too, they were aware that there was missing medical information and aware the Grandma they called grandma wasn't their "Real" grandma.

Their father did Not want to talk about it for a very long time and he didn't want to share with them his own feelings as he believed they were his own private feelings.

As time went on our oldest son started pushing and asking more questions and talking with his father about the fact he felt that history belonged to him as well. Over time they became very close and about 3 years ago after our son became his father's friend in adulthood they found his biological parents.

It takes time sometimes and if it's an important feeling for you then talking with your mom like it Isn't a Secret or something to be ashamed of might help you be her support during something that can be difficult.

I suggest that like most relationships communication is the key. If you talk with her remember that she may get upset--or shut you out today, and then have time to think about everything and have a chance to Add you to her feelings.

The one thing I believe there has Not been enough research on IS the feelings of the children who have an adopted parent. It seems that most people forget this effects You and that your parents truth is yours as well.. It matters and when your mother understands that it matters to you she may be more open to sharing with you.
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cantstopLinnyG

For the most part, my kids have never had any questions about my adoption, because I have always been open about it. Just as they have family members in my a family, they have them in my (their) n family, too.
Your Mom will understand about the "I would never want my mom to think my interest in her biological family has anything to do with not loving my grandma" thing, because she probably felt the same way. We all did at one time.
It is just as much YOUR family as it is hers. Adoption touches generations, not just the adoptee.
Maybe you could ask her if it would be ok if you could start a correspondence with her aunt, too. This could be important for YOUR health, and the health of your children.
My own reunion has been great for my kids. They never looked like me or their Dad, but are the spitting image of their first cousins!

Anha S

I feel fine about it most of the time. As they get older, the questions get a bit more involved when they happen, and I answer with whatever information I do have. They know my door is always open so to speak. It has just been recently that my eldest has shown an intense desire to know about my adoption, and adoption as a whole.

SJM

My children have always felt comfortable asking questions about it. I've never tried to skirt the issue. It's their family and their family history just as much as it is mine. I grew up with no knowledge of my family history, and I wish that on no one--especially not my own children. My adoption had a major impact on the course of their lives. I see no reason for them not to take an interest in it.

Dawn C

I'm kind of on the other side of your story-- I was adopted at birth and getting my parents to talk about it was like pulling teeth. When my youngest was about a year old, my mom got a case of the guilts and gave me the birth mother's name. My kids will occasionally ask about it, and I tell them what I think they are old enough to understand. The details they don't really need to know, I keep it pretty general. I don't know why my parents were so secretive about it, it's not like it nobody knew. Now that my parents are gone, I'm basically in the dark.

Dreamweaver ILF posse 2009

My kids and I speak openly about it...all of it. Its never been a secret or a stigma or a sad or scary thing. Its just who I am

Independ"ant"

Your curiosity is normal.....look at the millions of people doing genealogy research.

Im not an adoptee but my ex boyfriend was in your position. His mother was adopted in Ireland and brought to the US as an infant during the 50's. Anytime he tried to ask questions she would change the subject or pretend like if had no bearing on her. She was medicating with prescription drugs for over 20yrs. She was raised knowing she was adopted....the family (even her nephew and nieces) always pointed out how she was adopted and not biological as if she was the token kid. I've seen/heard them myself. It usually came up when the talked about inheritance and who was getting what. To this day she will still not talk about it but everyone can see how it is/has affected her.

Find the right moment to talk about it.......it may not be about how you feel about grandma but more so that your mom is fearing suppressed emotions and feelings. Your mother may still have not dealt with her feelings on her relinquishment.....she may just be blocking it out.

Talk to your grandmother in private about it. Whenever I had questions about my parents my grandmothers were always honest.

rachael

gently ask her if she is willing to talk about it. obviously it is painful for her, but this is your life too. the genetics you share will effect you and any children you have in the future.

if she says no, then tell her you do have questions and will need to know one day. that will give her time to prepare and make her understand you are not going to give up on it.

and wanting you know these things do not in any way disreguard your love for her or your grandmother. i searched and found my bioparents. i adore my adopted family. it had nothing to do with my feelings for them, it had to do with me.

good luck. be gentle with her, shes hurting. but make sure she knows you need to know these things. i would bet she wants to tell you but just cant bring herself to start it.

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