Adult adoptees - how would feel if you found out....?

sunny

I would never speak to her again, no matter HOW wonderful she had been to me.

That level of betrayal is unforgivable.

Romany

The question has to do with your ADOPTIVE mother - the one who raised you.

In my case, closed adoption was the only option. Still, my adoptive parents did everything they could to deny that I was adopted. So my case is similar.

It was their choice to keep it from me and now that I know, it is MY choice to search without their help. Move on, certainly. IÂ´m moving on to find out what I can about my heritage and my origins.

cruzgirlz3

My mother has been honest about the fact that A) She would never have wanted an open adoption. B) Open adoption is a bad thing.

How do I feel? Well, I don't feel comfortable telling her I am now actively searching, that's for sure. :-)

But I'm not angry because back "in the day" aparents were told adoptees should not have any contact with natural parents. They were told there would be no difference from raising a bio child. They believed the "experts" when they said that everyone should just happily move on with their lives. I don't think it ever occurred to anyone involved that there was another option. This idea is still foreign to her. It was a societal attitude and I don't hold it against her at all, even though I may not agree.

Were I younger adoptee, I think it would make me angry. There is just no reason to deny people their history. We should know better from lessons of the past.

BOTZ

That *IS* what my a-mother (a-parents, actually) did. They didn't have a choice with the first two -- because that was the policy of the agency at the time (LDS social services) although they do "open" adoptions now.

Their third, and last, adoption was private -- arranged by two doctors and a lawyer. My APs registered in the motel we stayed at (in the city where my sis was born) under a false name and grilled us, the older 3 kids, ENDLESSLY, not to tell anyone our real names. Talk about trying to keep a trail 'cold' just in cases her Mom really didn't agree and really DID want to keep her. They not only didn't CARE -- they INTENTIONALLY didn't care (and didn't want to find out/make sure). The only person whose word they had that the adoption was actually the mother's choice was her doctor...the one who delivered my sister.

We have since learned that HE, the doctor, was my sister's FATHER and was trying to HIDE that fact from his wife (who was NOT her mother).

Things that make you go hmmmmmm...

Oh, and as to how I feel about it. I used to be pissed. Now I'm just 'done'. My Mom and I are pursuing annulment of my adoption. I have nothing to do with my APs anymore. They are sick, sad, toxic people and I choose a better (healthier) life -- which CANNOT include them.

Sly

This is one question that I have given a lot of thought to recently after advocating for Stephanie Bennett for almost 2 years. I pray that when Baby Evelyn finds out the fight that her mother put up for her, and how badly she was treated by everyone in the system who were supposed to protect and defend her but instead abused and exploited her, including the couple who adopted her, that she despises their actions and spits on them! I cannot imagine the horror of finding out that your mother was abused in the way she was, the adopters knew full well what was happening, and chose to hide her against court orders, and that the only reason that you were stolen by them was that your mother and her family could not afford to continue to fight for you. What a sham! May they and the Skank Sisters at the agency rot in Hell along with the husband/attorney that railroaded her!

Anha S

I would be as mad as a wet hen. I would find it hard to believe that her reasoning would have been anything beyond self preservation, self interest, and was a result of her own fear and insecurities. If I found out after all this time that she prevented an open adoption, even while watching me suffer, become suicidal, and trainwreck in my early teen years, I wouldn't be able to forgive it. Ever. I would wash my hands of her.

Mei-Ling

I would ask why.

Rowan

I would wonder who the hell she was and what had she done with my mom? My A mom would NEVER have done something like that.

Now, say she had done that and succeeded, i would have wanted to know why. I'd ask questions like "was i in danger from my bio mom, was she mentally unstable, a drug addict, that you would want to keep me and my bro away from her"

Truthfully, i'd feel confused, as something that selfish would be very out of character for her. Mine was an open adoption.

DecibelGal

I am a woman who gave up my newborn baby boy almost 35 years ago. I was 15 years old, and totally incapable of raising a child or giving him any kind of life what so ever. Last year, I received a letter from the adoption agency, my birth son was searching for his birth mother. I filled out the papers, returned them, and agreed that this young man could contact me. I have never felt so blessed. I always knew he could search for me if he wanted, but never knew if it would actually happen. I would have never searched for him, interrupted his life. But am more than happy to be a new chapter in his life. We have faithfully kept in touch, get along beautifully, and have a meeting planned for early next year. Naturally, I feel an adopted child, once an adult, should have the option to search for their birth parents if they so desire. No one else should make that decision for them.

Lillie

Do you mean before or after I set her yapping dog on fire and slashed all four tires on her shiny SUV?

Anna

I'd be concerned with whether I had siblings; I'd want to find them. I'd want a good explanation from my mother, but I wouldn't try to look for my biological parents.

Work harder: PAY MORE

I really can't say how I would feel, in some ways I think it might make things easier, sort of like permanent closure on that topic, on the other hand, it seems pretty hurtful.

kateiskate

Well I don't know how I would find out since I'm not interested in knowing about my biological family. Personally I feel like that part of my life is over and I'm not going to suffer in the present by dwelling on the past and what could have been.

My adoption is closed and when I adopt kids a little later in my life they will be closed adoptions. It's called closing one chapter of your life and starting another. I can see why a mom would want a closed adoption. One huge reason being less drama. Another being a chance for the child to grow up with a normal childhood where they are not constantly confused about who their parents are. Your parents are the people that take care of you and raise you. Whether or not those people are also the people who created you may or not be the case. Either way, I know my biological parents and birth parents made the best choices for me that they could at the time.

curious_mrs.J

i am not adopted. my dad was though....i asked him once when i was younger what his real moms name was...he bodly and proudly told me the name of his adopted mother and from that point on i knew he never cared about his real mother b/c she gave him away when he was a baby...she didnt care about him and i think she was gonna kill him if no one took him. many adoptive mothers have to decide whether its best to have an open/closed adoption,,,....i think they dont want to confuse the child most of the time, or do not want to deal witht he potential risk of the child wanting to be with the real mother or the real mother trying to take them back.....some mothers also choose to raise the child as thier own and therefor dont want the kid to even know he/she was adopted......i would definatley ask questions about why it was closed and why she wanted ti that way

Dreamweaver ILF posse 2009

I would be perfectly content.

gibberish

I am an adoptee and I had a closed adoption and it was the best for me. I believe that, don't you?

Jen M

Well different people have different view about their adoption. I have a completely closed adotption, I cannot get any information about my Birth Mother. Not a big deal, the people who adopted me are my family, not her.

Also, I have seen birth mothers come into the picture and I don't believe that open adoption is in everyone's best interest. Too often the birth mother still tries to be the mother in some way even though the child is no longer her child.

Erin

I would be a little upset, but I would also look at it from your mom's point of view. Maybe she thought the person who gave you up for adoption wasn't someone who was fit to be in your life. My dad was adopted, and he has been considering trying to find his birth mother, but he doesn't want to hurt his mom.

joe m

I wouldn't care. It would have been to weird and wrong.

LuvThosePurpleShoes

Leave it alone and move on since for whatever reason she wanted nothing to do with you so respect her wishes and move on

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