Am I a bad person for thinking about giving up my baby for adoption?

Elizabeth

Under no cirumstances should you abandon your child. Being abandoned/adopted is a life long trauma that no matter how wonderful the adoptive parents are they cannot replace YOU. You are the child's mother. If you give your child up for adoption you will STILL be his/her mother.

If for whatever reason you are not ready to be a mother, have an abortion.

I would have rather been aborted than abandoned/adopted.

Gershom

You said yourself you want to keep it.
You can do anything!!!

Don't let anyone talk you out of giving or aborting your child away if you don't want to.

Listen to your baby, and your heart! Anything is possible.

Peace Yo

No. You are not a bad person to *think* about relinquishment. A lot of people consider it, some seriously consider it and research their options. To consider all your options is a responsible act of love, not something that makes you a bad person.

With that said,....

You said it yourself.

"But I really want to keep it."

That is what you do.

You just found out that you are pregnant and are likely in shock. If you know at this early stage that you want to keep your baby then I urge you to start researching resources now. Your boyfriend might surprise you and want to be involved. If not, don't let that deter you from being a mother. You're pregnant and you want to keep your baby. That much is clear. Now strategize how you are going to raise him or her. There are sooooo many resources out there to help you.

FWIW I was a very young single mother with my first child. I was in shock when I was told I was pregnant. Take a few days to allow the shock to wear off before you make decisions and shift into your new role as a mother. You can do it. Many, many women before you have been in your shoes and found a way to make it work. Don't let anyone, including your boyfriend, talk you into doing something you know you don't want to do. Again, you already know you want to keep your baby so start researching and making a plan for your family,... you and baby.

concerned

Oh sweetie...

You are NOT a bad person. Not at all.

What you are is overwhelmed and confused and probably a little scared, right? And that is all sooooooo completely normal when faced with an unplanned pregnancy.

Seriously, you will get through this.

The best advice I can give you is to get some counseling--but NOT from an adoption agency, and not from a crisis pregnancy center. Get an independent, licensed therapist who can help you search your feelings and beliefs and help you figure this all out.

As for my own advice? Adoption is not an easy solution, it really is not. Even having an open adoption does not make the pain go away. I relinquished my daughter for adoption in 2001, and it still hurts. You learn to live with it, cope with it, enjoy life despite it... but it's just really, really hard.

I am also parenting another daughter. Being her mommy is the absolute joy of my life. There are people who are going to tell you how hard parenting is. The thing is... parenting IS hard, but it is also incredibly joyful. Relinquishing for adoption is just plain hard plus incredibly PAINFUL. So either way, life is going to ]get harder now... pick the path that also brings joy with it, if you possibly can.

Good luck, and ((((((hugs)))))))).

P.S. If you just found out you're pregnant? You have PLENTY of time to make a decision. In fact, I'd recommend not deciding for certain on anything until you hold your baby in your arms (if you decide against abortion and have the baby, which it sounds like you want to do). Put together a parenting plan, so that when you hold your child, if you want to bring him/her home from the hospital, you can. Don't back yourself into a corner by deciding on adoption early in the pregnancy, ok?

Kelly L

Gershom is right; you can do any thing you put your mind to. Adoption= a lifetime sentence; as most of my natural mother friends will tell you. A counselor? Hmmm; make sure that the counselor is experience with adoption loss; if not; that counselor will do more harm to you; then you could do to yourself. I am speaking from experience!! I can get you to an awesome adoption loss counselor; who will take the time to tell you the reality of of this loss; KellyDcash@aol.com. Also; boyfriend? Don't let his actions; make your decsion. Follow your heart.

Marsha R

First off, you are NOT a bad person. You are a person who is in a position you weren't expecting and you're confused and vulnerable. People will take advantage of this and try to convince you that your baby will be better off without you. Don't listen to them. Your baby is going to be a little human being, she/he is NOT a gift to be given away. No one deserves this child more than you do, don't let people convince you of that. Your baby does not need swimming pools, ponies and expensive birthday parties to live a happy life. She/He doesn't even need married parents, as there are many single moms out there doing perfectly fine raising their children.
Please read some blogs of women who have relinquished their children. You don't get over it, and the pain doesn't go away. Read also the blogs of some adult adoptees to get some perspective on how your child might feel growing up.
http://www.originsusa.org/index.htm is a great place to go to do some research and also find resources to help you keep your child.

Remind yourself daily, you CAN do this!

jade_frost82

First of all, you are not a bad person!
You are in a very difficult situation!
Adoption is tough, making this decision is tough. You and you alone need to make it.
I hate to say it, as he is your boyfriend and the babies father... but you and your baby come first. You need to not worry about making a decision that will make him leave you. If that is the case, than he isn't a good one to have around to begin with.
I cannot imagine being in your shoes, its gotta be tough.
However, I have to say, I would fight for your baby. I would fight for yourself.
Both adoption and abortion have a lot of negative feelings surrounding them. Do you believe that you can live with aborting your baby? IF that answer is no, than you have your answer. Please do not let anyone convince you otherwise, even your boyfriend.
Now, as for adoption, I am an adoptee... I can tell you first hand that adoption is NOT a ray of sunshine. Your child will loose the best thing it has going for them... YOU.
You are that childs mother, nothing can change that, a piece of paper may say that child belongs to someone else, but deep down inside, where our genetics play part, you are that childs mother. Believe me when I tell you, adoption is not fun. It messes with you on a level I can't even begin to describe. And yes, there are a great many adoption horror stories.
The best person for the job of raising your child is you. Remember that.
I would get help in real life. Find a counselor or a therapist you can talk to. Get the information, the REAL information on all avenues you are looking to take.
Don't let ANYONE coerse you or convince you to either give up your child to adoption or to abort. ANYONE!!!
People may tell you that adoption is great, its a perfect way to seemingly solve a difficult situation. But let me tell you it is not. You are going to feel the pain. Your child is going to feel the pain. No matter how great the adoption situation is, there WILL BE PAIN, on all parts, there is no way around this.
If you are really looking to give your child up, read The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier. Its truth, its hard to take, but its truth, about adoption.
Remember that this is your choice to make, and no one elses.
I wish you lots of luck.

Angela R

Considering adoption does not make you a bad person. There are some very good people who love their child, but find that raising their child is not a real option for them, and choose adoption.
However, from what you've said, it shows that you really want to raise your child, so please don't let anyone talk you into doing something that you already know you will regret. Your boyfriend has no right to insist you have an abortion, and to be honest, if he would leave you unless you had an abortion, then you're probably better off being out of that relationship.
Moving back in with your parents for a while before and after the baby is born may be a very good thing for you, and allow you to get your life inorder so you can provide for your child. If you find that it is not a good situation for you, then there are lots of programs and financial aid for single mothers.
Good luck to you, and please do what you feel is best for your child and yourself.

ClassyInCoach

You are NOT a bad person. You are a good, caring person who really cares about your child having a happy life.

There are organizations that can help you. If you live in Pennsylvania, a government program called WIC (Women-Infants-Children) can help you provide food and medicine and school and clothes for your baby. Other states have similar programs.

If you decide that adoption is what you want to do, you can always consider "open adoption." That's the kind of adoption when you get to pick your child's adoptive parents. People who want to adopt children put together portfolios of information about themselves and why they want to adopt and what they think about raising children and what they like and what jobs they have and things (like a scrapbook), and you'd get to go through them and interview the parents that you were interested in. You'd get to pick the parent(s) you want for your baby, and then sign a contract that says how much contact you get to have with your child (and you both can decide whether that's a lot of contact or a little). Also, people who want to adopt have to go through background checks and psychological tests and interviews with social workers who come to their house and inspect it. If you work with an agency to choose parents and maintain contact with your child throughout his or her life, then you can be reassured that your child is safe from harm.

However, don't rush into adoption. If you want to keep your baby, then do not let your boyfriend pressure you into anything else. Raising a child is difficult, but you are not alone! Millions of other women have felt exactly the same way that you do now, and they have gone on to be great mothers. Of course, millions of other women have been in your position and decided that their child would have a better life being raised by other people. Either way, stay strong! You are not a bad person.

Sarge1572

get the real answers. Planned Parenthood can help you decide and get you prenatal care.

they don't do just abortions, that's less than 10% of their work. they give you the information you want, help you with things you're "confused" about and help you make the right decision, the one that's right for you.

don't wait, go tomorrow.

elizabeth is bitter about her life. don't let that influence you into inaction.

â™¥Sodasâ™¥

KEEP your baby--things can work out--in any situation. You will feel terrible if you do not keep it--but if it is the choice between abortion and adoption then do adoption. But if you give your baby up, you may look back and wonder--where is he/she?? Was he/she raised ok? You will miss out on all the steps your precious baby will go through. Your baby needs YOU--the baby's MOMMY. Good luck sweetie and this is just my opinion and I can't tell you what to do but I strongly recommend KEEPING the baby and raising him/her. I have a 9 month old and I am SOOOOOOOO glad she's in my life. This baby of yours is a blessing. God bless.

Oh, and your boyfriend should NOT be telling you what to do with a human life inside you--especially since you WANT to keep it. He's scared and maybe thinking irrationally.

Baby Mya is here!

screw your boyfriend if he is going to be that cruel. it is your decision if he is seriously giving you an ultimatum like that. If you want to keep the baby you can do it!!! He sounds like trash so leave him hunny and respect your self and the tiny life inside you!!

yahoomania

It seems like you have touched on a sensitive subject here. This is a tough decision that only you can make and you do have some time. Please do some research and make an informed decision. I am shocked at some of the bad adoption stories on here and feel bad for these people. I do not believe however that this is the norm. I was adopted and was very happy for it.
I am also a mother and I think it would have been very hard to give up my child. It is however very hard to raise children.

You are not a bad person for thinking about adoption. You are just trying to explore all options and make the best decision for your child. Good for you and good luck whatever you do.

MelancHolly

Do whatever you think is right. You have three options... abortion, adoption, or keeping it. Do what YOU want to do. Know that whatever decision you make that is the right one for you and ALL of those are your options in life. If you want to adopt the child out there are lots and lots of good people who would take your child and raise it. There are open and closed adoptions and about a million provisions you can make within adoption. My sister picked the adoptive parents for her child when she was 16. She met with them. She loved them. She spent time with them. She decided that if she could see these people as HER parents she could hand her little boy over to them. She did.... and he's a happy boy. Although, He's now 22.

So weigh your options and decide what YOU want to do. Let no one influence you. You are the one that has to smile when you think of your decision in the future. So explore abortion, adoption and keeping your child. Then make your decision! Best of luck

terrin j

This is what I thought you would of said, Your boyfriend is not your leader. You are your own person God gave you a right to speak from your own mind. You should feel guilty of even thinking of that. Smashing your poor babies soul. Having to go for adoption. This is what you should do tell your BOYFRIEND that this is your babies that you gave birth to tell him your keeping both of him because he has no say in any of it Leave him if you have to. But don't EVER even think about putting your own child in adoption. YOUR MIND YOUR SOUL YOUR HEART.LIVE IT LEAN IT BE IT. if he says you have to give up your children tell him to leave them out of it and leave the COLD HEART behind. but just remember its your destiny not mine to decide just do whats right.

Justice

No, you are not a bad person. You're in a difficult situation and trying to figure out what to do. If your boyfriend will abandon you for keeping your baby, he may not be worthy of you.

If you really want to raise your baby, YOU CAN.

I gave my baby up for adoption when I was a teenager. I thought it would kill me. I would never do that again. In my twenties I had an abortion. That was emotionally devastating for a time, but it passed. Losing your child to adoption is pain that stays with you the rest of your life.

Even in an open adoption you would be constantly reopening the wound of not being able to raise your child yourself. There is nothing legally binding about open adoption. It is at the whim of the adopters.

I'm in reunion with my daughter now, each of us still recovering and struggling with the pain of separation and the subsequent wounds. Reunion is definitely better than not knowing each other.

Make your own choice. If you birth your baby, YOU are your baby's mother.

Wolf

It's your choice and your body. If you feel that you could do right by your baby by raising it yourself then do it. As for an abusive parent getting a hold of your baby, there are no clean guarantees. No sure promises to be made by the courts or the prospective parents themselves. But you can pick and choose the parents that will raise your child.
It is the choice of the girl as to abort or to go through with the pregnancy.

Heather B

Your baby is not a 'gift' for anyone and you don't owe your baby to anyone

Please please keep your baby. You can do it and baby needs you

You will get targeted by predators who want your baby. Please don't respond to anyone soliciting for your baby over the internet.

Talk to Origins USA they have loads of support resources to help you find ways to keep your baby

http://originsusa.memberlodge.org/Default.aspx?pageId=24332

Also try www.keepyourbaby.com

Never accept Counselling from adoption agencies - get independent unbiased counselling. Adoption agencies have customers waiting and want that baby - they will never counsel you to parent!

eve

Do not allow your boyfriend to convince you that you don't have options. You need to be able to decide for yourself what you want to do. I am not against abortion and if you choose that, it's fine. You may have more trouble dealing with it than you anticipate and you need to be aware that, emotionally, an abortion can be very difficult. If you want to give your baby up for adoption, the child's father will need to sign over his rights to the child in order for the child to be available to be adopted. Chances are VERY high that the people who want to adopt your child will never abuse it. I think the media does an unfortunately good job of scaring people into believing that adoptive parents are likely to be abusive. As far as "raising it wrong" is concerned, that's an entirely different thing. If you give your baby up for adoption, you will absolutely be giving up all your rights to your child and the adoptive parents will ahve complete responsibility for raising the hicld in the way they choose to. You can definitely decide who you want to become the parents of your child -- many adoption agencies will have you get to know people who are potentially interested in adopting and then you will choose who you want as the parents of your child. However, you will have no rights as to how they raise your child. It will be their child. It is not easy to imagine letting someone else be the parents of your child. I think you need to find a professional to talk to about this decision. You need to find someone who does not have a bias about this or have any stake in your decision. You need to find someone that you like and respect and that you feel comfortable with. There are many excellent therapists out there. There are also lots of mediocre ones and plenty or bad ones. You need to find someone good. Don't make this decision on your own and don't let your boyfriend tell you what to do.

lmhinmt

You are not a bad person for wanting to put your child up for adoption. I realise that your concerns are valid, however you need to do what is right for you and your baby not what is right for your boyfriend. If you chose to adopt and needed somewhere to stay while you were pregnant there are those options also. I know from experience. We had a mother who stayed with us while she was pregnant and we were goiung to adopt the baby and wanted her to be part of the babys life also. However in the end she chose to keep her baby, but that doesn't make her a bad person either. So no matter what you decide as long as you are doing what your heart tells you to do then everything will be fine. If you would like to chat anytime just e-mail me or imj me and I will listen to you. sometimes that is all a person needs.

Butterfly heart

Talk to an adoption agency. They will counsel you. They give you all your options: raising the baby, adoption and there are several ways to do it...open, closed, semi-open. Please check into your options before you abort.

Mim

You are not a bad person for thinking of giving your baby up for adoption. You are wrestling with some huge, emotionally charged choices and weighing them against your beliefs and hopes for the future. Not surprising you are confused and overwhelmed. I wish you well in your decision making process. Please get all the information you can about each choice. Life is precious. Please consider contraception until you are ready to be parent. All the best.

momofone

Putting your question here is going to open yourself up to more confusion. You should probably sit down with a counselor and they can help you go through all your options (parenting, adoption, and abortion) and the pros and cons to each. I cannot tell you what to do as I am not walking in your shoes. If you chose to sit down with an Agency please make sure that they are a reputable Agency and that they have your best interest and the babies best interest. If ever you feel you are being pressured to do something you don't want to do then go with your "gut instinct" and find yourself another resource to help you sort this out. Dad should be involved in the decision making process. Best of luck to you.

Elizabth, your comment really made me sad. I am so sorry that you feel that way. You know there are Therapists that can help you and that specialize in adoption and grieving.

Alley212

absolutely not!!!!!!!!!!!
i am 28 years old and when i was born i was put up for adoption. my birthmother loved me enough to do the most unselfish thing a mother could do for her child, give it a better life. i think that there is a whole lot more to raising a child than just love. if you know in your heart that you can not give this baby everything that he or sh needs then please consider adoption. my birthmother and i have recently found each other, and some of the others are somewhat right, nothing can replace the bond we have, but the absolute truth is, nothing can replace the bond that my adoptive mom and i share either.
my adoptive mom tried very hard to have children of her own, and for some reason or another she was unable to carry to term and suffered numerous miscarraiges. it was very hard for her, but she desperately wanted a child. and you know what, my birth mom desperately wanted her child to have the best life possible, so the good Lord answered both of their prayers.
i am extremely glad my mom adopted me, i love them both, but my mom is truly all i could ever want in a mother as is my birthmother for making he right decision for herself and for me.
this is not a decision to take lightly however, and no one can tell you what is right for you and your baby except for you. every person is different, and every situation is different. talk to professionals, adptees, adoptive parents, and biological parents that have put up a child for adoption. talk to single mothers and try to get a feel for what that is like. explore your options and make a decision that you can live with reguardless of what the boyfriend has to say. if you need to talk look me up, and good luck with you as you try to make the best decision.
i am not trying to push you into adoption, i am merely giving you my story as a means to give you some info. i am also the mother of four kids, i am raising them and they are mine. that was the decision i made for my family, but then again i am married and have a supportive husband/father to my kids as well.

i jsut re-read your question and realized that you really want to keep your child. in that case you need to prepare yourself for being a single mom. hard...yes. worth it....absolutely. this is your baby, and you need to ignore whatever thoughts your boyfriend is putting into your head. if he will leave you for keeping your child...his child, then the odds are that he will leave you anyway. sorry to be so blunt, but it is the truth. and reguardless of if he wants a child or not, he is going to have one and needs to help support his flesh and blood period. and you need to file with the attorney generals office for child support. go check into medicaid as well to defray the cost of birthing, etc. if your parents are willing to help you out, then do it, move in with them and raise your baby. it can be done, it might not be easy, but neither is life. you gotta do what you gotta do and no one else can make decisions about your child and your life. please, if you want your baby, they do not abort. it would be a horrible guilt to have to carry around with you for the rest of your life.

mag44.rm

No, the fact that you won't consider an abortion makes you a better person than most girls in your situation.

First, I think you should find out if your boyfriend would want you to abort. If so ditch that loser, you are better off without him. Then see if a family member would like to adopt your child. If that goes wrong, then put it up in the manner you describe.

If you are a Mormon, you are blessed. They screen their adoptive families very well and even will let you have a say in who get your baby.

mistyflame10

you know that ur bf would want to abort it how? did he tell u personally coming from his mouth? if its not the go ahead tell him so u'll know cuz speculation and conclusion can destroy a persons life. that kids future lies in u...u said hes against adoption, why wld he wants an abortion? cuz its an easy way out from the problem u think u're dealing right now. Regrets is very painful if u did it u can never turn back time..So please tell him about the baby..maybe he made some comments about it before when ure still not pregnant...if u tell him now theres possibility that..that opinion can be change.
People go through difficult times in their life not only you. I have adopted younger brother who is 10 yrs old now. We love him dearly we told him hes adopted..Hes still in pain, i oftenly catch him crying when hes alone..there was times i cried to sleep...my heart is really aching watching him..Hes hurting so much inside. Even ur baby will go to a good family there will always hole in his life that no one can fill but his real mother.

Love sometimes makes ppl became selfish, do things for their own happiness and forget all the consequences..regrets is forever, they like a shadow following u wherever u are. Dont think millinons..think billions of time before u do something that will affect anyones course of life.

YOU know what u should do....ur scared yes, confused yes but in ur heart, ur consience tells u keep the baby..It will worth every sacrifice and pain. How would u live to support the baby? thats the tough thing well ur parents can help u...tell will be furious and wanna strangle u for first hearing it but when they realize thiers a life growing inside u they will help..they will never abandon u. My first cousin she was only 14 yrs old when she get pregnant my aunt was devastated but as i was typing this they are one happy and proud grandparents. My cousin fight for that baby, exchange her youth for being a mother. Is she scared hell yes but she managed thats what i call courage!
Your boyfriend maybe loves you but if he say abort then hes love is shallow, he cant stand for u cuz hes not ready for the responsibility...u choose! a baby that will love u a lifetime or a guy who will love u for a meantime and ditch u when things go worse as they will always will cuz thats life full of struggle.

If u cant think alone please i'm begging u call a friend to think this through..we are talking about a life that gonna be wasted because of what...love? fear? its not worth it. You may say i can say all these cuz i'm not in ur situation..ur right i'm not...and i dont know exactly what are u feeling right now...but i want to be a mother and i will give even my life to my baby. And i'll keep him even the whole world will crucify me. You may say easy for me to say i'm not in ur situation...yeah ur right...and i pray that u will find in your heart the right decision.

GodBless

christina37isfree

I can't speak for all adoptive parents but I can tell you my point of view. I am a foster parent in Canada and raised two children of our own, one is a conductor and the other is finishing grade 12. We recently had a 7 month old baby girl in our home that we loved tremendously and would have adopted her in an instant, unfortunately her parents wanted her back because they were missing money off of their disability cheque ( so this child was a meal ticket) it broke our heart to see her leave and we have heard that this little girl is not dressed properly or fed properly and I have a hard time thinking how she could have had a beautiful life with us but because of politics we could not adopt her. We have put our name at the agency to be able to adopt but really I can't help thinking of this little girl. I would not adopt a baby to abuse it or raise it wrong I want to help a child be the best person they can be. I hope that is some help for you, most parents are out to give a child a better chance at life.Good luck

ghetto_princess283

I wouldn't get rid of it unless you wanted to. If you truly want this child, who cares what he says? Adoption is another option if you don't want to abort and you don't want to take care of a child. Just don't let some of these ignorant answers interfere with your decision. There is nothing to be guilty about wanting the best for your unborn child. Hope this helped.

hIuLaAm ChOw

keep it an move back with your parents...ok...u need to do wat right for u and wat ur mind want to do....ur BF is trash..no good...if he was goood..he would be "ok baby..i am always there for u and stuff"...but i think u need to keep dont give on abortion or adoption

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