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Kazi
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Adoptive mom here,
I don't believe you are being reasonable, however, giving them the benefit of the doubt, perhaps they are unaware that you couldn't afford to go to them.
I agree with other posters that you should give them a call and request they come to you, or if that's inconvenient, then perhaps you could meet halfway.
Good luck. |
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furfur
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You say you live two hours away...couldn't you just meet in the middle? Then you would each only be driving an hour?
If you were my child's first mom, I would hope that you would communicate the difficulty you are having so that way we can keep our relationship open and positive.
Be tactful but blunt. Don't beat around the bush and don't worry about hurting feelings, in that you avoid discussing it. I would even begin by saying you are not sure how to address this and you don't want to step on any toes, but... |
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Felicita1
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How old is your daughter? I take it that she is less than 2 yrs old, as you talk about her first birthday.
Yes, it would be fair to ask, but don't expect much. Open adoption agreements are not legally binding and often adoptive parents feel pressured into agreeing to an open adoption as that is often the only way they can get a baby. Very few mothers will surrender their babies in a closed adoption unless forced (remember the BSE) -- this is why open adoption was created and offered -- to get more mothers to surrender babies whom they otherwise would have kept. So, once the pressure is off, they feel free to 'close the adoption' as is their legal right as that child now belongs solely to them.
Yes you can ask them about visits, but you are in a position where you are not guaranteed anything. And, remember, that legally they are the only parents (and you are a legal stranger to your child) and you have no rights to any type of contact unless they choose to allow it.
If they broke their promise then there is nothing you can do about it as the law assumes that your baby was unloved and unwanted and you thus gave it away (we know otherwise of course as natural mothers). This is why the institution of adoption exists: to provide homes for unloved and unwanted children. The law assumes that if a mother loves her child she would keep her child. You have an uphill battle to convince any judge otherwise as the surrender of your baby can be used in court as evidence that your child was unwanted and you wanted no further connection (emotional or social) with them.
Good luck -- you might as well ask about their promise of alternating visits and when these are going to start. If they broke their word, if they promised an open adoption just to get a baby, then morally they are in the wrong.
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Zuko
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Contrary to popular opinion here, you do NOT have a right to see that child. And they don't HAVE to bring her to you.
You relinquished that child and gave her new legal parents... therefore it's up to those parents what they want to do. You should've done your homework on open adoption before you relinquished. There ARE no legal policies pertaining to open adoption therefore you have no right to see that child if they decide it's no longer appropriate.
That's the legal part of it.
The most you could do is call them up and talk to them. 'Look. I don't have the money to drive up there. Is there any way we could get together for a weekend down here so I can spend time with you all?' (Including the parents in this statement would make them more sympathetic to what you want... it's far less threatening then asking them to see YOUR kid.... get it?)
The most important thing is to be polite and respectful... remember that you GAVE these people the right to decide what role you play in your daughter's life... Getting angry or upset isn't going to help your case at all.
Being polite and respectful is going to get you a lot further.
I do wish you the best of luck. I hope, both for you and your daughter's sake, that they bring her down to you so you can see her. |
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rec
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i dont understand your question...
i dont want to sound rude but could you get a job? or a better paying one? two hours is not far... if you want something, you find a way to make it happen. |
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Lori A
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I'm sorry to say that Zuko has it correct. You have no rights and they have no obligation to you no matter what you talked about in the beginning.
Welcome to opened adoption.
I would try what she suggests, ask if they could make a trip as the gas prices are making it difficult for you to visit and tell them that you miss them all, not just your daughter. It will hopefully keep them a little soft hearted toward you.
I hope you can get this worked out so that you can see your daughter. |
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Lindsay M
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I hope this doesn't sound mean, but they are a family and have their own life going on. I know you want to be a part of it, and I don't blame you but it's your job to go there if you want to see her. I understand gas is expensive, but there are ways to save money so you can go see her. Go out to eat less, stick a little bit into a savings account every week, look into bus fare. If you really want to see her, you will make it work! And if they ask why you haven't been out to see her, just tell them the truth and maybe they'll help you out. But I would not go to them asking for money and make them feel guilty, you will just cause problems. I hope everything works out, and that you'll see your daughter soon!! |
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Freckle Face
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Dear Lindsey,
I think you should try to communicate honestly with them your difficulties of driving up there. First see if they suggest anything. If they don't. I would ask if they would be alright with meeting half way for the next visit. I would just wait and see how receptive they are to this suggestion before coming out and asking if they would drive down to you. Best wishes. |
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Camira B
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I think you absolutely have the right to ask. Don't listen to the people saying otherwise. Even if there is no legal agreement, if the adoption is supposed to be open then they should honor that. They are not doing you a favor by sticking to the terms they agreed to.
As far as how to ask, I would just try explaining the situation to them and asking politely if they wouldn't mind coming to you once in a while. Or, maybe you guys could meet half way. If you have a good relationship like you saaid, they should be understanding. |
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wynn
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What about telling them something like this "I really want to see you all, but I'm having trouble with money (for gas? busfare?). There's this great park/garden/zoo/children's museum near here and I thought it might make a nice change to meet there sometime soon." |
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joe_anonymity
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Wow, I'm not even attempting to pretend to have enough moral high ground to tell you what to do...
Only you know what is right. |
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*~*jEsSiE*~*
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even though it's legally their daughter (guessing there), it's still your kid! was it an open adoption? if so, then you have every right to ask for more time with her! you have every right to see her, have pictures, letters, etc. |
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iowagal1981
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I'm not sure how you would want to bring it up. If they adopted your daughter legally, maybe it is getting to the point where they want to eliminate confusion as to who her parents are. Maybe they are feeling it is awkward. I'm not sure because I've never been in that situation before, but if you gave her up for adoption then I'm not sure you can say it's not fair to be in her life. |
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mtr
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Unless you have a visitation agreement, they have been nice so far letting you see her when you have.
You are the one wanting to see her, so you should find transportation there. Gas is verry expensive, how do you know they can easily come to you? They could also be too busy right now, or have car problems. The economy is rather bad right now, and even if they were financialy stable when she was adopted, they could be a little strapped for cash now.
It is good that they want you to be part of the baby's life, but it may be a little much for you to ask them to drive to you.
Even if you have some kind of visitation or shared custody, I don't see a court ordering them to drive to you.
Is there any bus routes close? Or a train? Any form of public transportation you can use? |
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sasavert
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i'm not sure, i mean you can tell them that you can't afforded it and they might offer to bring her to you but you can't ask them to. I mean, it's nice of them to let you see her all the time and stuff, so if i were you, i wouldn't push it |
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Scottyman2002
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Well if another family adopted you children then technically it is their choice! although if you have any form of custody privileges appoint by the court then you can contact a lawyer about it and get something done! |
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Hotmomma
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If the agreement was you could have visiys then thats how it should be. Atleast you do care about her. |
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Britney M
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Well in all honesty, it's nice of them to let you visit their daughter (she's not yours anymore if they adopted her) ....and they don't really have to let you visit her so if you want to ask them to bring her to you, then go ahead, but I wouldn't push it. Im not trying to be mean but you gave them a daughter and now you can't see your biological child as much as you want because she doesn't technically belong to you. So you'll just have to wait until you get the money for the visit I guess. |
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Robbie
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it's not hard just call up and say "hey look i don't have the kind of money to be driving up and back every week it's your turn to bring them to me |
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eeaa
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It definitely would be fair.. in these situations it does feel like it might be too much, but you're a mother and you deserve to see your daughter...
just ask them if it would be ok if they came down to see you.. if they are considerate, they will understdand..
if they say no, just try and go every other month.. |
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angem
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No it isn't fair! Your choice to adopt her, so let her be with her family! Don't hassle them.. |
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T.T.
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whatever you feel ...... you should really trust your instings befor things get ugly.... :C |
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Addy L
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i think it would i mean you doo have a right and you said you guys would visit |
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judycutie13
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ok.. if she's your daughter, you deserve to see her.
wait, why is she in an adopted family?
your right here, willing to see her and care for her. |
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iquia l
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wat u want 2 do is try 2 get dem 2 move in wit u so u wont have 2 do all dat |
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