Am I the only one?

niknox1981

I am biased when I say that adoption is a good thing as from experience, as an adoptee, I have had a wonderful life and couldn't have wished for anything better. I certainly don't resent my birth mum â€“ in fact, I think she made the best decision to give me up, and having met her recently, know that she is a decent person and did it to give me the best in life, not to be selfish.

I know there a re some adpotees who haven't had a better life, but there is no shame in admitting, sharing and rejoicing the good experiences too.

Raja

I don't think you're the only one but I do think you're one of a minority in this regard.

Young women, especially, feel like they are lied to and manipulated during the adoption process. After it is over, they have powerful maternal feelings and emotions but no way to express those. Plus, unlike a mother whose child dies unexpectedly, there is no closure. There is no getting over giving a child away, there is no escape from constantly wondering and worrying about where they are, how they are, and if they are happy and well cared for.

For adopted children, even from happy homes, there are usually, universally, intimacy and abandonment issues when they discover they are adopted. This can lead to anger, resentment, embarrassment, hatred, remorse, and a whole host of other negative, damaging emotions. It is excruciatingly difficult to grasp why your own mother gave you away, even those who have had a good life.

On top of all of this, the adoption industry tries to bury this information. They are in the business of selling a fantasy to everyone involved and they don't make any money if everyone knew and understood the truth. The Mother buys and swallows the fantasy and in the end (for most, not all) feels manipulated and also feels like an accomplice to the legal kidnapping of her own child. Because she's bought the fantasy, her child is left to sift through years of emotional baggage from being given away like an old handbag by their own mother. The adoptive parents, clueless to all of this, by the fantasy as well and thus, do not understand how the child could feel this way which strains their relationship.

Adoption is not all sunshine and rainbows. Hopefully if enough people realize the truth, the industry will change.

~Raja

sunny

To be honest, Dream, as a mother and an adoptee, I can't relate to you on any level.

If you are truly 'happy' not to have been raised by your people, in your own culture, void of any knowledge of your own history, and to have given a human being made from your body, away to strangers, you either have a sensitivity 'chip' or two missing or you're afraid if you let just a little sadness or frustration in-- the whole house of cards you've built for safety will collapse.

My guess is that the latter is true.

Some red flags for me:

-Drug dealers and partying were important to you as a teen? People from emotionally healthy homes do not need to self-medicate with drugs and alcohol-- they're truly 'happy' and don't need to numb themselves.

-You 'could not have had a better life'? How do you know? And who says wanting to know your history should come as a price for a good childhood? If your parents are so fab, then they would want you to have a stonger sense of self--right? If you want to 'thank [your] bmom' why not got find her and do just that?

-You wouldn't 'change your decision' about giving a child up for adoption? Okay, okay. If you're so 'happy' why are you here, pleading with the other, less 'happy' adoptees to believe you? You know the APs are more than 'happy' you're signing up for the good adoptee poster child who also gave a child away. Who ARE you trying to convince?

-Your wonderful APs may think you're 'their baby', but I guess they had no trouble letting 'their grandchild' be given away...

If you ever decide to do a little self-reflection about the two very profound, life altering events that have most certainly shaped you, here are some books to read:

The Journey of the Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton
The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler

Aslo, feel free to snoop around here:

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum

Good Luck.

magic pointe shoes

I am not trying to stir things up, but my first thought when reading your question is that because you are an adoptee, and a happy adoptee at that, maybe that skews your thoughts with regards to your birthmother title.

If you as an adoptee don't have abandonment issues, or recognize that you might have abandonment issues, than why would that heartache bother you with regards to your birthmother title? If adoption is fine and dandy for you as an adoptee, than of course you could be happy as a birthmother with no regret.

The thing of it is, keep in mind that for *many* time changes perspective. You may not feel this way forever and that's okay. I used to cling to the poster child of birthmothers title, and mocked those who seemed to be bitter birthmothers. In a matter of one conversation I turned from content to bitter and I am ashamed of all of the things I said to those who haven't had a good adoption experience.

Anyway, I bet it was the previous experience that is helping your coping skills with your latter experience.

Andraya

I am also an adoptee and a natural mom. I differ from you greatly. I am not happy to have lost my mom mere seconds after being born. I am not happy to have lost my son. I am happy I was raised by decent people and that my son's adoptive parents are kind people who love him. There is happiness within my adoption experiences but they are not "happy" experiences themselves. I can not think of a woman willingly giving up her child and feeling truly happy about it. I can not think of an adoptee being happy that thier identity was changed without their consent or being happy to have been taken from their natural mother without their feelings being considered. Adoption is multi faceted and has many positive and negative aspects.

PhilM

You're clearly not the only one, as I have to keep answering this question over and over again...

Do people even READ these answers?

I DID NOT HAVE A BAD ADOPTION EXPERIENCE.

I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ADOPTION AS SUCH.

I love my adoptive parents. I don't feel anger (except about the way that people keep treating me HERE) nor regret. I cannot feel regret, as I didn't make any decisions about my adoption.

I'm glad you had a good experience. Why do you feel the need to invalidate mine?

Joy M

Like Sunny, I just can't relate, I had a child in my teens too, and in no way did it cut my teen years short, in fact it was the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me, I was into partying a lot and then I realized I wanted to do something else and went through college with him, I met some other young moms in my situation in college, and we are all doing well.

Never in a million years would I have been dragging my child around to parties or around drug dealers, after I had my son, I lost complete interest in the loser lifestyle, my life took on another hopeful focus.

If not caring about your child makes you happy, than I don't envy your happiness or want any part of it.

a healing adoptee

I don't regert anything, nor do i resent my adoptive parents. I had a hard time understanding the choice my birth mother made. For me I felt i just couldn't give up a baby, so i couldn't understand her choice. I'm not hateful, i may have a little anger. But that is me and i'm determined not to let it control my life and make me resentful. You are not the only one. People just have different views of adoption. some of them very strong views and some who have views and don't want to acknowledge others feelings. I feel to better understand adoption you have to come to know all sides of adoption. From the birth mother, adoptee and adoptive parent. Each one has a different view of adoption. Each person that has been adopted has had a different experince.

bittinger.tina

Well I am 15 and was in foster care with one family from the time i was 20 months until i was four with me there was also my blood brother who is 11 months younger than me. After that time my foster parents decided to adopt me and i am perfectly fine with that. I personally think that it is totally cool to know that i was wanted and chosen to be THEIR daughter. So far I see nothing negative about being adopted.

Tira A

I was adopted.
And I was old enough to know it....old enough to know and remember my bmom....
I HATED my adoptive family...especially the woman who in spite of every awful and mean, and vicious thing I ever said or did to her, never gave up on me.
It took me over 20 years to smarten up.
To see, that I had one woman who loved me enough to let me go so I could have a better life then what she could give me....and another woman who loved me enough to NOT let me go, no matter how hard I tried.
Today we are the best of friends....but it was a very long and painful lesson for me.
I still have issues w/ the adoption...my birth certificate has been legally changed....my Native American heritage has been denied me...
The very important family health history is unknown to me.
What I do know of my bfather is he was a drunk and abusive man to my mother....he was mentally and phsically abusive...I have a hard time not getting angry at him and yeah, I blame him for a lot. As for the man who raised me, I loved him more then I can ever put into words. He died knowing that I loved him.
My bmom died, alone in a hospital, unable to say good-bye to the 3 of us. That thought alone brings me to tears every single time I think it. She did what she had to, I admire her for her strength, and I can only hope that I can live up to dreams, knowing what she suffered, and gave up for me to have that chance.
To the woman who did raise me and never gave up on me.....I am so indebted to her. Her strength and love are examples of what is possible, and what it truly means to love.

I'm glad to hear you are happy now. I hope that those who adopt will be as wonderful as those who adopted me, my brother, and my sister.

Heather B

Well good for you. Are you fishing for a pat on the back or merely looking to mock others who don't feel the same way.

I'm quite fond of my adoptive parents too, we are very close but that does not negate the loss of my entire family, heritage and identity.

Cam

Thank you for your perspective. I know there are many happy adoptees and bmoms out there. Not all adoption situations are horrible and folks need to hear that too.

GrewInMyHeart

What's the question? Are you asking if you're the only bmom and adoptee here? If that's it, I'll bow out, because I'm not.

bestadvicechick

No - you're not the only one and all the other adoptees on this site who are actually happy should stick together. While I sympathize with adoptees who have had a negative experience, I don't think it gives them the right to undermine or question other adoptees who have the NERVE to be happy and have no regrets.

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