Am I the only one who finds the industry coined word "Birthmother" offensive?

LaurieDB

No, your are not. I find that sort of language very marginalizing. But then, I'm the woman who signs her posts "adopted citizen." I use the terms "first parents" and "adoptive parents."

ETA:
Suzy is the one who needs to educate herself.

The term â€œbirthmotherâ€ was coined by social workers in United Kingdom maternity homes in the 1950â€™s to replace the term â€œnatural mother.â€ It was further promoted by social workers in the United States in the 1970â€™s.

So, in 1976, the term was reluctantly chosen to be used by the newly formed organization Concerned United Birthparents (CUB.) The founders were BSE era women whose children had been placed for adoption. â€œBirthmotherâ€ was the term they used to describe themselves. They considered it a compromise of sorts between â€œnatural mother" and â€œbiological mother,â€ which many adoptive parents preferred but CUB members found insultingly mechanical. The termâ€™s emphasis on birth reclaimed without apology an important place in an adoption process that had too often rendered them invisible and irrelevant.

The term, coined by adoption-related social workers, was accepted as a compromise, not as a term that these women felt was best. It was better in their minds than "biological" mother, but they feared the term "natural" would immediately render them dismissed.

Things have evolved. They no longer have to accept the compromised term "birthmother" if they don't want to do so.

almost human

this is a tough one - like others, i insensitively use that term by accident on occasion, simply because it is more prevalently used. i hadn't thought of it being quite as offensive as you mentioned, though, because i celebrate birth, so the distinction seems like a positive one to me.

i have heard that adoptive parents don't like the term "natural" mother because that makes them feel "unnatural." you can't win for losing!

i sometimes use the term "biological" mother, but i always regret it, as that sounds so clinical, as if our mothers were simply incubators.

we should look for alternatives to all of the above. how about "first mother"? "original mother"?

i'm wondering, if mothers who adopt don't like being called "adopters", what would be more preferable? "second mother"? "elective mother"?

what if we used nature and nurture? "natural mother" and "nurturing mother"? that seems complementary to both, it seems.

no matter what we call them, one or the other is always going to feel inadequate or left out. i don't hear the kids complaining about being called adoptees, when if all these arguments about we love them just "as if" they were our own should call for an elimination of that distinction as well...

Stinky Pete

Oh silly Sly (almost typed your name oops) You know they have to keep us pesky breeders in our place. If they called us something respectable we might get all uppity and ask for rights. We can't have that

Freckle Face

Dear Sly,

You are not alone.

When i was new here i did not know it was offensive. Some wonderful people here educated me, thankfully.

Now I use "mother", "other mother", and if i must "first mother".

I do not actually take offense to the term "adopter", i don't know why.

Gaia Raain

I didn't understand the offensiveness of this term until I had read quite a bit about first parents' and adoptees' feelings about it. I've never used the term much myself, but while working at a residential treatment facility, we used the term "bio[logical]" often. (You'll note, I'm sure, that the shorthand is the same...ick.) And while "biological" doesn't offend me at all, personally, I have really walked away from using it because it has taken on a new meaning for me. That term also reduces natural connections to an "item" or "task". (I.e. the only connection the "birth" mother has is that she gave birth - the only connection the "biological" family has is biology.)

The more I read and listen to adoptees and first parents, the more I appreciate terms like "adopter" and "substitute mom" (one I got chewed out incessantly for using to describe myself), and the more I back away from terms like "birthmother" and "biological family". I think that honest adoption language should replace industry-coined terms as soon as - and as completely as - possible. I think the more often industry-coined terms are used, and the less often honest adoption language is used, the farther we are from focusing on the rights of natural families to stay together. (I believe it IS a human right to be able to be raised by loving parents who you are directly related to - we just "forgot" that as a society.)

ETA: Lara, that is an excellent point about "birther" and "adopter". Thanks for pointing that out.

Expecting #1 12/17/09

No, it's very offensive.

grapesgum

You are not alone. I first heard the term "birthmother" a few years ago and found it repulsive even before I realized that it is a term coined by the adoption industry. Even more offensive is when adopters use the term "our birthmother" as if they own her (well they think they do until she has performed her "birthing" function, after that she is trash). What's even worse, they call it part of "Respectful Adoption Language". Respectful for whom?

Adoption agencies use the "birthmother" term to label women even BEFORE they give birth. It is part of the indoctrination program that adoption workers use to convince women that they are doing something noble and noteworthy by giving their children away to strangers. How else would they stay in business?

IDK!!

It can go BOTH ways. One can call someone who gives birth a "Birther" and one who adopts an "Adopter"

Like YOU said their motive is to limit the mother of the child to the act of "**** fill in the blank****" . Adoptive mother are more than people who on 1 day legally adopted a child, just like a first mother did more than just give birth, I don't like either term, I think it's the motives behind the terms.

ETA- I don't mind the term "nautral mother" At all. My son didn't come to me through nature as my daughter did. He came to me through law.

Also I Wanted to add, that just the other day, my dad and I have a conversation while driving from Ohio to North Caroline. We visited some historical locations and as I read, I saw the term "slave" used troughout. It was very sad, as these people are DEFINED only by a lable placed on them by others. I told him that I would prefer to call them people who were enslaved. I guess it's wrong to identify anyone with a lable like that.

Personaly when I speak of my sons mother, i say his mother. When I speak to him about her I use her name or "Other mother".

Not Adopted

Hmm, what if a woman dies in childbirth and the baby is raised by someone else.....would anyone call her a "birthmother?"

The answer to that is obvious, and the same logic applies to mothers who lost their babies to adoption.

Once a mother, always a mother.

Penny A (Vanessa)

I am unconcerned. I would much rather be referred to as a birth mother than, say, an 'incubator'. I saw an adoptee use that term a few years back, that's pretty offensive and downright nasty.

I Love A Child With Autism!!!

I hate the term too. That is the term used by the agency we dealt with, and it has been so drilled into me that I occasionally forget myself and use it. I don't think most people on here mean anything by it, it is just the term that they have learned to use. I am all for unifying and coming up with a more acceptable term! In real life when I refer to my daughter's natural mother...I use her name...makes life so much easier and I think she prefers it that way too!

BOTZ

You are not the only one. I hate it and find it offensive too. I don't personally use the term 'adopter' either, but I understand it as a function of language -- a noun from a verb. The people who adopted me are my parents. The woman who gave birth to me is my mother. I have never had a problem IRL with people understanding me when I speak of ALL of my parents as just that -- my parents. My mothers and my fathers.

It works in a lot of situations (i.e. a gay couple who adopts is their child's mothers or fathers) -- why not mine? I don't care what people say about the 'standards' of language. (i.e. "respectful" or "positive" or "honest" adoption language.) I have certain standards that I use online because they best represent how *I* feel about *my* situation and what *I* think shows the most love and the least 'alienation'. What I do online and what I do IRL are two different worlds -- because as much as we may like or dislike, understand or misunderstand, become annoyed with or fond of someone online...we don't REALLY know one another. I say what I say online because I don't have the benefit of inflection or expression to aid in transmitting my thoughts/ideas/feelings accurately. But I choose terms online (mother, father, siblings, or sometimes natural mother or "parents that adopted me") to express what I feel best represents my situation.

But, no, you are not alone. I don't care for the term 'birthmother'. It limits our relationship to a time in the past and it limits her role to a single biological act. Neither represent the truth in my life. I've never liked the term and it has been many, many years since I found something better that suited my truth.

Kazi

When we first looked into adoption, the only term we heard for a mother who relinquished a child was a birth mother. so that's what we used. You don't know what you don't know. I had no reason to believe it was offensive: until I came online and heard from actual surrendering mothers.

Now, we don't use it.

Daughter (China): Mama (Mandarin word for mother)
Son (Domestic Foster Care): Other mommy

I think people should define themselves in any way they want and the rest of the world be damned.

Me: Mom (Plain and simple).

I do think respect goes both ways though.

Birth mother: Mean.
Adopter: Mean

I don't call ANY mother a birth mother and I EXPECT the same respect in return.

Jennifer L

I'm one person who has a problem with the term "adopter". I think that signifies an action, that I adopted a child. It certainly does not encompass everything that an adoptive parent is. I'm of the opinion that if someone is not 110% committed to being a PARENT, to the children from adoption, they have no business adopting. Using the term "adopter" minimizes the individual and the role that person has in being a parent to a child.

Similarly, I dislike the term "birth-mother" and yes, the "BM' abbreviation wasn't lost on me. I don't refer to my children's "other mother' as a birth-mother. I think the term signifies an action, meaning that one gave birth to child. It does not encompass everything that goes along with being a mother to a child.

I'm told that the difference is "adopter" is "honest adoption language" and I don't buy that for a second. Just like "birth-mother" diminishes the role of the first parent, "adopter" diminishes the role of the adoptive parent.

I consider the term offensive, if that is in any way unclear. I wouldn't call someone a "birther" so please don't call me an "adopter".

myst1998

Yep. Hate it.

Nurse Autumn Intactivist NFP

Nope, I am not even part of the triad and even I find the term "birth mother" EXTREMELY offensive

Mei-Ling

Sandy - "I truly can't think of another way to distinquish between my birth mother and the mother that raised me."

Why not use "biological" mother?

The "naturer" mother and the "nurturer" mother... that sounds really good to me. It's a little awkward to say, but emphasizes the importance of both instead of insulting and/or demeaning one term against the other.

cmc

Um, I think the "blacks" did have input on what they are called. And usually "black" is not the preferred term, although it has shifted over time. Certainly terms have been claimed/embraced by various segments of society, particularly "gay" and "queer" come to mind.

"birthmother" doesn't sound great to me, but a lot of the other terms don't strike the right cord with me either. I don't use birthmother because I realize many don't like it. I use "natural" mother or "1st" mother most of the time, but don't love those either. I wonder if "bio" mother also might be construed as someone who gave birth and nothing more. When it is clear who I am talking about I just call her my daughter's mother.

Heather Leigh

Wen I first came to this site I used "Birth Mother" because I didn't know any better. After hearing where the term came from and how many Mother's and adoptees felt about it I stopped using it. I now use first or other mother when talking on line about my son's Mom.

monkeykitty83

It's not a word (or phrase, if separated) that I personally use. I can definitely see why people are offended by it, and I choose not to use it out of respect. I also don't like "first mother," though, because it sounds so replaceable. First house, first job, first car, first wife... they all suggest it's only temporary. I don't like referring to a mother that way.

I know some people prefer no prefix at all, and I can understand that, because a mother who is not parenting is still a mother, but that's really impractical for conversation. Sometimes who you mean just has to be indicated.

I personally use "biological mother." My mother is my biological mother-- she also raised me, and is my only mother, but calling her that is still accurate. The fact of biological motherhood is difficult to dispute. I use that phrase because it seems the most factual and least likely to offend.

I also personally don't like the use of "adopter," because one who adopts becomes a parent. I know "adoptive parent" takes more typing, but I find it preferable as it recognizes the relationship, not just the single act of adopting as though it occurred in a vacuum.

mscrawdad

I never thought of it that way, but find your point of view valid and interesting. I'm not sure many folks think of those who relinquish voluntarily or have their parental rights mandatorily relinquished by the courts as disposable or "flushable". I certainly don't. Which term would you recommend to identify the different parties that visit this forum that wouldn't be offensive? I note that most folks use "bio" to identify the biological family of the adoptee. Is that more acceptable to you? I find this site extremely interesting and informative. The last thing I would want to happen is that anyone interested in this subject feel they are being singled out to be the "bad guy". The viewpoint of all involved parties is what makes this site so special. Thank you for your very interesting perspective on this subject.

medusa

I prefer to use the term birth mother, because my adoptive parents are my parents to me, and people calling my b-mom my mom anything else kind of doesnt feel good because they are no longer my parent and made that choice, and even if it it wasn't by choice a child shouldn't have to feel obligated to have another 'mom'

Independ"ant"

I'm more repulsed by their actions like turning a blind eye to legalized kidnapping. In general the industry wants to appease Paps and encourage the laundering of kids so they keep distorting words to make the Aps feel better about the dirty deed (taking children away from mothers in crisis who love their children).

Trinity

from someone who actually is adopted...

i refer to the woman who gave birth to me my birth mother. i do not find it offensive and i never have. she is the woman who i admire beyond anything. for a woman to give up a child and maybe never see again or hear anything about takes courage, tears and a lot of love.

the woman that raised me, i call mum. she will always be that even if it isn't biological.

i say birth mother because of what she has given me - the start of my life and there is nothing rude or offensive about that

Shelly P. Tofu, E.M.T.

While personally, I must admit that the whole argument about "birthmother" being an industry coined word intended to demean sounds a bit "conspiracy theory-ish" to me, I can appreciate that it offends some and I've tried to limit/eliminate my usage of it, especially on this board. Outside this board, everyone I know involved in adoption (adoptees, firstmothers, aparents) uses it as the standard.. but anyway.

I can understand how it offends, implying that the ONLY thing the woman did was give birth to the child. However, in many cases, isn't that true?? But anyway.. I'm fine with not using it.

Personally I don't see what the problem with "biological" is. It's honest and not demeaning.

I've become "okay" with using firstmother.. But hey, I like (whoever's) idea of "original mother" even better. I do not like natural mother, because it implies that APs are not "natural" Just like "real mother" implies that an Aparent isn't a "real mother"

Respect has to work both ways. The anti-aparent people here will go on and on all day howling about "birthmother" and other terms they don't like, but they feel that aparents need to "be put in THEIR place" as not the "real parents" of the child.

To me, Gia's "substitute" mother is the MOST offensive term I've seen in the adoption world. A mother who raises, cares for, and loves a child is a MOTHER.. not a "substitute" anything. Children need permanency.

Ingrid

Birthmother or biological Mother is a fine term.
Adopter however sounds like a car part to me.

School Nurse, too

So, let me get this straight.....it's OK for YOU to use words that offend others but then you get to tell everybody else which words THEY can use so you won't be offended??? You sure think highly of yourself!! I find it interesting that there are groups of people who think everyone else needs to tip-toe around their feelings but feels free insult others. It seems to me if you want others to respect what you want to be called, you will respect otherâ€™s wishes, too. So, go ahead. Call me an â€œadopterâ€. Iâ€™ll just call you a "birthmother" or â€œbirtherâ€. Itâ€™s ALL honest language, right?
Yes, it is meâ€”School Nurse. It seems that you blocked me after I answered your last question. You blocked me, THEN addressed me directly so I couldnâ€™t respond.
So, in response to your last question/response TO ME: since you are â€œall thatâ€ how it is that you block people who donâ€™t agree with you. How can you advocate for anyone if you avoid opposition? ........interesting

ETA:
You asked, {Why is this even something that any but those who are being referred to have any input into deciding.}
So, why'd you ask an open question?

AdoreHim

I am both adopted and an adoptive parent. When we adopted our 2 children, their "birth" moms did not find anything offensive about that term, as a matter of fact after almost 20 the "birth mom" of our son , uses that term herself, when asked. If the biological mother of either of our children would have been offended by this term, I would never use it. One mother gave me birth another raised me. I don't see the problem.

MelzMom

I use either word, biological or birthmother. Mine was a closed adoption and I don't know the woman but I define my birthmother as the mother that I had at birth. I don't think there was a motive at all in coining the word other than to differentiate between the mother who gave me birth and the mother who adopted me. That's even the "person first" language that you like. I don't think it's disrespectful in any way and I don't mean for it to be a passive aggressive attempt to hurt, deminish or demean her. Anyway, why would it bother you or anyone else what I call my birthmother, who I don't even know?

n2mama

I have a slightly different situation, as my husband has a biological father and an adopted father. However, he doesn't know his bio-father, and as far as he is concerned, his dad is his dad even if they share no blood ties. Yet, how does one explain this unusual situation and correctly reference the people involved? His mother and her first husband had a son together, my husband. They divorced shortly after he was born, she remarried and husband #2 adopted my husband. However, despite the fact that they got married when he was three it wasn't until he was seventeen that the adoption became legal. Husband #2 is the only father or dad he has ever known, but is not the biological parent. He has never been referred to as a "birth father", and I don't know if that's because a father doesn't give birth or because we prefer the term "biological father".

As far as the surrender documents of your era, I would guess that virtually all adoptions were closed adoptions where the families had no contact after the adoption was complete. So in that case the use of the word mother would not have the confusion it does today.

Indian-vision

Having been on different "Adoption" forums. All of them better than this. I can say i have seen Birth mothers "NOT offended by the term B.Mom, birth mom, bio-mom.

Yes, the short term B.M is offensive due to the other meaning it holds.

I think its those B.Mom that feel like victims that mostly feel offended by the term. Adoptions that took place more than 20 years ago or adoptions where the Child services had to terminate rights.
There are ones who are willingly looking for a better life for their child and want them to bond well with their adoptive parents. And do not keep hankering over such terms.

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