Am I wrong for being infuriated?

My mother in law has decided to adopt the baby of a heroin addict cousin. The cousin has 3 kids, none living together, she doesn't want them and neither do the grandparents. Yes, I feel bad for the baby. However there are plenty of good people who want kids that can't have them and they would love to adopt. MIL has 1 son, my husband. We have 2 kids. She had an abortion 20 years ago. And is now sorry about it. She tried to control my kids (3 & 7) such as their outfits, cutting their hair without telling me, etc. We put a stop to it. I feel as though she only want this kid because of her abortion and the fact she wants her own kid to control. She never did anything with her son ever as a child. And for the last year since she started attending a new church she has no time for her own family. She wants to do for everyone else. We bought a house and they promised to help us with the construction work-but no instead they are working for free to help these people from church. they never talk about their own grandkids, but is always talking about the new baby. She never goes to my kids games or activities. She says this new baby will never ever come before the grandkids, but so far she has chosen the baby and everyone else over them. I quit calling her and I quit going to visit. The kids don't even ask about her anymore-I let them call when they did ask about her before though.
She thinks I am selfish and jealous, sort of yes I am. My kids should come first and they don't. She is only thinking in the now, instead of 5 years down the road. Once that kid is old enough to be invloved in stuff, she will have to chose the grandkids or the babys activities, etc. I just think it is very wrong, but she doesn't. Am I wrong for the way I feel? Also, she is going through the change of life and I have heard that makes people think strange things about being pregnant again and such. Is that true? because she never wanted anything to do with the heroin addicts other 2 kids and always complained if she had to watch them.

Additional Details
My husband is a very carefree person. Nothing ever bothers him, so he really doesn't say too much about it and I don't want him to have to pick. But I am so infuriated over it. And I know if she does change her mind before the adoption next month she will tell all the family it was my fault because I threw a fit, she won't tell them the whole story about how she hasn't given a crap about us or the kids for a year now. I should note that she tries to buy our love all the time- she always made fake promises to do this or that and left us waiting for hours and hours on numerous occassions, but then will call the next day and say hey I bought this or that for you. I now refuse anything from her. I am not angry about religion, I love the Lord. She just acts very strange since going to this new church. I am happy to move on without her involved, but I just want to know how other people would look at this situation.

magic pointe shoes

Wow. This whole question made me very uncomfortable for your extended family. Like for example your cousin in law that you don't even refer to as a person, but only as heroin addict. How you don't even care about the children because their mother is who she is. How you don't appreciate the good that your mother in law does because it isn't directed at you. How you blame her hormones or sense of real life loss as to her intentions.

Who do you think you are to run her life and her choices? Who are you to decide that this child to be born needs to be banished from his/her family of origin because of who his/her mother is or because your children aren't getting enough attention?

I spy special snowflake syndrome.

Annabelle

You're a family, why do the kids have to compete? If she is adopting this baby then it is her baby and she should treat it as such. Lots of families have multiple kids in it and everything works out fine. Your kids have a mother already-you! This kid doesnt.

Grow up

nurse ratchet

Get over it, move on and worry about yourself and your family not what your MIL is doing. Kudos to her if she is opening her heart and home to child in need. You need to grow up and pick your battles. In fact, this is not one of them.

Gina

Ok....IF I'm reading this right....if she wants to be a parent to a child, then the child she wants to be a parent to should absolutely come first. You say that there are plenty of good people who want kids and would love to adopt....why shouldn't she be one of them? Why can't she be one of them? So she made some mistakes and possibly wants to make up for them - how is that so horrible?

I think thay you are just jealous and hurt that she isn't devoting the time to your children like you think she should. And she definetely should; she does sound pretty wishy-washy. But could she be avoiding YOU? Personally, I would, especially if someone was attacking or even just complaining about my decision to adopt a baby. If she wants to adopt a child, you really don't have any right to get angry at her about it. It's HER life, not yours. Sorry, wasn't intended to make you mad...just my views on it.

Welcome Isabella! March 30!

It really isn't your business if she wants to adopt a child. I think it is a great thing that she wants to take the child into her home and give it a life! Your children are YOUR responsibility, she technically has no obligation to them. Yes, she is their Grandmother and it would be nice if she were more involved with them but you can't force her. Worry about your own life and family and let her tend to hers.

Orishas92

You know I was going to try to answer but then i saw that ^

Corn is not dog food! No wheat!

Sounds like you should butt out and mind your own business.

Sounds like on the one hand, you've cut her out of yours and your family's life, until she wants to start doing something or giving something to someone else, then you want her to be Miss Mommy Perfect.

Well, it's not gonna happen.
So what if she wants to raise the drug baby?

HOW DOES THAT TAKE ANYTHING AWAY FROM YOU?
The only people who should put your kids first is you and your husband.
If she adopts that baby, it will be her responsibility to put the baby first.

Why should you even have a say in the matter?

I Love A Child With Autism!!!

You are behaving like a spoiled little brat. Uncross your arms and stop pouting! YOUR children are YOUR responsibility, not your MIL's. Your children should NOT come before a child of her own. I am sorry, but it is the truth. Are you even thinking about the baby? You say that the mother is a heroine addict...have you even tought about what the baby is going to have to face in his/her future/ That baby is going to need special care and I for one applaud your MIL for adopting it. Your children may be the center of YOUR universe, but not the center of THE universe!

Santa's Lil' Helper

Why are you so jealous of a baby who has not even been born yet?
Talk about baggage.

And as far as the abortion comment. I abhor abortion, a decision made from desperation, and what it does to a woman and a children. But seriously is it necessary to tear someone down who probably feels anguish and guilt over her decision.....do you feel better being superior?

Your really sound like an angry, bitter, jealous woman who has way too much time on her hands. No wonder she never wants to spend time with you and your children. I feel sorry for your kids being caught in the middle....you have turned them against their grandmother.

AdoreHim

If your MIL really wants to adopt this child, more power to her. NO, it may not be because she aborted and she is feeling bad about it. But if it is, why can't you be supportive of her. I would try talking to her though about not being involved in her grand kids life. However, I was very used to that when we adopted our 2 children, my MIL did not want much to do with them, so I can understand your frustration. You have to understand though, she has taken on a baby that may have drug withdrawals. She has a lot on her plate. Have you ever stopped and asked her if there is anything that you can do to help her? Think of it this way, that baby needs her, your children need you. Your children would come first to you, and that baby should come first with her. And if the courts think she is unfit , they will make that decision.

cathrl69

I think you have unrealistic expectations of your mum. Come to her grandkids games and activities? No. That's YOUR job. YOU are their mum. She should be hearing about them afterwards on the phone. You seem to be expecting her to be an extra parent for your kids. She isn't. She shouldn't be choosing between kids activities at all. She should be doing her own activities.

xiajade

You said she started going to church recently. Maybe she's been "enlightened". Maybe she's a changed person. Maybe she realizes her past sins and transgressions and wants to be different. You should know you can't change the past. All you can do is start with today and move forward from there.

I feel you are being a little unfair. Is it possible, I mean really, is it possible that she's just changed? Maybe she's trying to do "good" now, make things "right".

I doubt she just wants this new baby, just because she had an abortion in the past. A new baby won't bring that baby back. If she even thought that, don't you think she would have done something years ago?

As far as the addict's other two children. Maybe that was before she "changed". If so, that's in the past and you can't take it back. You could try to make amends, but you can't take it back.

She must have done something right by her son. Otherwise he wouldn't be the man that you love today. Right? Maybe she wasn't perfect in the ways that he expected or maybe even in any way. But she's trying to be different. Give her a chance.

When she promised to help you with the construction work, did you let her know when and how she could help? Did you bring it to her attention when you needed help? Or did you expect her to just come over and jump in? If it's the latter, then that's not fair. Also, maybe she figured you guys were doing fine, and there was someone who needed more help. I'm not saying that's right, I'm just saying maybe that's what she thought.

As far as not talking about the grandkids lately and being all wrapped up in the new baby, that happens. Remember when you got pregnant at first? I bet that's all you could talk about. What about when you first met your husband. Did you stop seeing your friends as much and start spending more time with him. Did you start talking about him constantly? It happens, everyone does it. She's just excited about the new change in her life. I'm sure she doesn't mean to harm you or the grandchildren. She's just happy about the new baby.

You said you kids should come first. Why? She is their grandmother. I'm sure they're high on her list of priorities, but why is it that you think they should be more important to her than any other people? Why would you think that she can't be there for your children and the baby also? That would be like saying if one of your children has a game of activities and at the same time your other child has something too, and you had to choose which to attend, that you are a bad mother and you don't care about your children if you have to choose. I mean, can't she take turns if their activities are at the same time? Can't they share their grandmother's/mother's devotion? Isn't it possible that she has enough love and time for everyone, your children included?

That's the part that sounds a little selfish.

Don't stop calling her or visiting her. That's not nice. If you stop calling her and visiting her, aren't you part to blame for not being in contact?

As far as for the change of life business, I don't know about making a person think "strange" things about being pregnant. But I do think that it is like a part of you dying. I mean think about it, you are losing a major part of being a woman. Who'd think you'd be so sad to see those nasty periods along with their nasty cramps, bloating and terrible mood swings go? But you'd be suprised. It's been a part of your life for so long, and now it's going away, forever. It's a major change. Your ability to have children is gone. Some women feel like less of a woman. It's upsetting. You have nasty hot flashes and mood swings and irregular periods and spotting. The "young" chapter of her life is closing, forever, no going back. Now she's beginning another and that takes some adjustment.

Try talking to her calmly about how you feel. I think you may be very wrong in your assumptions.

How would you feel if you were trying to become a better person and no matter what people just thought you were still a piece of sh*t? I think it's pretty hurtful. Give her a chance.

Heather

Am I wrong for being infuriated? --> YES!!!!!

WOW

Just a Mom

Actually, I did end up with kids that I didn't know anything about (a large sibling group from foster care) and they are more important to me that anything else in this world. Grow up.

r s

the child will most likely be treated better by her than in a lot of foster homes... you'd be amazed how many people are adopting from public foster care to cash subsidy checks ....

lighten up...

apparently she was a half decent mom at least, she raised the man you married...

there are thousands of kids in foster care, it is nice that some family member stepped forward to remove one of those kids and help save the child from growing up in public USA foster care

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