An interesting Q was asked at an adoption forum I belong to & was wondering how Y/A folk would respond...?

A first father in his early 30's signed away his rights to adoptive parents and the adoption has been finalized for almosta year, however, he told his parents that he was in fact contesting the adoption and the case was ongoing. The adoptive parents, along with their son discovered this last summer when they visited the first dad and grandparents and the grand mother was down right hostile to the aparents and even tried to prvent the parents from taking the baby back home after the visit. The dad is begging the aparents not to say anything and to just let his parents believe that the adoption is being contested. He feels that his parents will never forgive him. When the aparents asked how long he plans to let this go one, he did not have an answer. Does he think his parents will just forget? Any way, the amom was asking for advice? After that disastrous visit, she did not want to see the grandmother again until she knows the truth. But she also doesn't want to hurt the first dad, but he is an adult. My advice was that his parents are his problem and that her child was the priority and she not put him in harm's way just to protect the dad. He owed his parents the truth and she should not be party to a lie. Especially since this grandmother actually sees some hope that she will be raising her grandchild. I think it's cruel to let her think there is a chance when the adoption has been finalized. He should own his responsibility. I am interested to hear what others would say. This situation is a mess, that is for sure.

grapesgum

I hope to god that some sits the first father down and talks to him about how he is hurting his child. Secrets and lies are putting the most vulnerable person in the relationship in a tug of war between adults. He is he one who will be harmed the most.

I also feel sorry for the grandparents who probably have hopes that the the adoption will be overturned.

This dad needs to grow up. I think that you gave them good advice. Until dad does grow up, the adoptive parents need to protect their child as best they can.

Crucio

That is terrible the adoptive parents make efforts to stay in contact with their childâ€™s biological paternal side even going to visit and the biological father tells his parents this lie. I would cut contact until this man comes forward with the truth to his own parents. He needs to grow some balls and just tell them he is an adult and it was his choice and decision to place his child for adoption.

Dark_Fire_Angel

Thats a very interesting question. As a birthmom myself i know how hard it can be dealing with one's family who are opposed to adoption. I know these are his parents so that makes it much harder but the truth is he willing signed his rights there is nothing he can do and shame on him for a year telling his parents its contesting. He didnt think about his parents when he deicded to sign his rights so it shouldnt matter now. He needs to stop being so selfish and think about his child. Its confusing enough to know what adoption really means then having a stranger more or less say dont worry we are your real family were going to get you back come on i'm not surprized that poor thing isnt scared to death of his birthdad. I'm sorry but its people like him that give birth parents a bad rep and ppl wonder why adoptive couple get so fearful about that kind of thing. That guy needs to own up and tell his parents the truth. I'm glad the a parents dont wanna hurt him but your right he's the one that made the mess he needs to get himself out of it without the a parents involment but that's just me.

Pleasantly Psycho Cat

I agree with you. The grandmother is going to be hurt either way but to lie about it is just cruel on the dad's behalf. What's worse is he is forcing the aparents to be party to the lie. If they told the grandmother the truth then she would call them a liar and become even more hostile. The aparents need to keep the child away from the crazyness until it blows over, that's all they really can do.

cantstopLinnyG

Well, he's in his 30's and lives with his parents- that should tell ya something right there. Where is the n Mom in all of this? It sounds sort of fishy. I mean, if the n grandma is so into this baby, you would think she would have made the father not sign away his rights. It just doesn't sound "right".

If it is true, I would tell the man to be a man and confess to his mother what he did. Then, I would write the grandparents and enclose the adoption papers. While it's important to be able to keep the adoption open, everyone needs to know their is indeed an adoption.

JennyH

I think that ur answer is right on the money. Also where the grandparents are concerned...the hatred shouldn't be taken out on the aparents. The adoption is finalized....the aparents shouldn't even have to deal with it. The birth father needs to deal with his family. The adoptive parents focus should be just giving their child the best life possible.

JoHn S.

The relationship this grandmother and biological father is building with the child, is based on a lie. If the aparents go along with it, they are contributing to it.

kidmindi

The first father needs to man up and tell his parents the truth. The amom has a responsibility to her son only and it isn't her plance to protect the first father. If I were her, I would tell the first father that until he tells his mom the truth all future visits are off.

sizesmith

I believe that no lies should ever be told about a child's life, because one day, the child will find out about them, and will be hurt. This includes the selfish expectations of this father, the AP's who don't tell their kids they're adopted, and any other lies. All lies take more lies to cover up, and eventually they snowball right back at you.

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: