Another open adoption question: So why is it assumed that only AP's break off contact?

Justice

Why is it assumed APs break off contact? Maybe the first parents that post are the ones that are yearning for contact, while the ones that find the pain leading up to and following contact is unbearable may find the grief too overwhelming for sites like this.

How to make the two way open adoption work? It's going to be very difficult in most cases. The APs are the ones in the "strong" position. They tend to be viewed in a superior role, the role of being worthy of parenting someone else's child. The first mother loses her nobility as soon as the TPR is handled. From there everytime she sees her child, she has to handle the grief, the loss of her child and her self respect. She has to gather up herself up for the good of the child that she was not good enough to keep and be the better person for the child. She has to find ways to appreciate someone else raising her child, perhaps not in the way she would like to see her child raised. If by good fortune the APs treat her with respect and understanding it is still going to hurt like hell at times to say good bye to her child. And there are so many subtle self righteous messages.

I lost my firstborn in the closed era. If open adoption had been an option back then I think it would have led me to believe I could keep my child because if I had been deemed worthy of ever seeing her I would have kept her. I can barely imagine the strength and fortitude of mothers that have to let go over and over and over. It's definitely best for the child. But what an inhumane price to the mother.

kidmindi

We have an open adoption. Last summer our daughter's birth mom moved out of state, got married and stopped calling. I tried calling her cell phone and she wouldn't answer. We found out from a relative of her new husband where they were staying and the phone number. We called and there was no answer. Later in the week, the number was changed.

So we assumed that she no longer wanted contact. This hurt alot because I thought she and I were friends. We had been talking about planning our little girl's 2nd B day together like we had done her 1st. I had tried so hard to keep my child from going thru the same stuff I went thru as an adopted child and now it looked like she would have to go thru it anyway.

Then I got mad and decided I wanted an answer. If she didn't want contact fine, but I had to know what to tell this little girl someday. I found her myspace and sent her a messege asking her what the deal was. It had been 3 months since we had heard from her and she completely missed the baby's B day.

A few days later I got a responce from her wanting to know if she could call me and I replied back that my number was the same. So she called.

She said that with the adoption final, she felt like the didn't have a place in the baby's life anymore, and so she had thought that since she was starting a new life with a new husband in a new state, she would just forget about the old life, including her daughter.

She had spent those three months trying to convince herself the baby was better off without her, and that someday she would have another baby. She had thought she would eventually get over the pain. When she realized that the pain wsan't getting any easier, she wanted to call but was afraid too much time had gone by and we would tell her to stay away.

We had a long talk and I told her that she had never been told to stay away and that she was welcomed back into the child's life, but she had to decide if she wanted in or out, because I won't have my daughter get attached to someone just to have them take off when they feel like it. I told her that if she dissapeared again, she could stay gone.

Since then she has been in contact and sent cards and gifts and has even come for a visit. I think she will stay in contact this time.

So maybe birth parents get to a point where they see the baby they relinquished bonding with the APs, calling them mama and dada and they feel they don't have a place, or it hurts too much.

Freckle Face

Hi Loserguurl,

For those ap's who do fully INTEND to keep the adoption open, i agree it is a two way street.

Its sounds like you and the ap's you know are amazing people. Sadly, I do believe we are the minority though. I've read too many First Parent blogs stating otherwise.

I agree a lot with what Linney says. I think meeting at neutral place is totally fair. I would prefer to be way in the background and let mother and child spend close alone time without my interference. With the inconsistencies though I would want to be in the distance background like at a park so my daughter knows for her own security, if she needs me, i'm there.

I worry all the time about how i act and what i say and how that may come off to DD's mother. I've wanted to send her some websites for first parent support but haven't because that may come off condescending. I've asked if there has ever been anything i've said or done that hurt her to please enlighten me. She is the last person i want to hurt and i'm really good at learning from my mistakes, if someone points them out to me.

Still no contact. I won't judge her. As a mother she deserves photos of her child to know she is alive and happy. I always enclose our personal info so she can get ahold of us anytime. DD writes a note if she choses. We just keep it simple.

It has been hard on our daughter. In the end, she has decided that she would rather do little attempts to connect with her mother even if they fail. She doesn't take them as rejections so much anymore, so she says. She knows its not her problem if her mother choses not to have a relationship. She would rather try than not. She would rather know the truth about her mother now rather than later. She wants to be that same constant for her mother that i am for her. She knows no matter what she is not alone and that gives her the strength to handle anything.

Yes, DD amazes me daily:)

cantstopLinnyG

It IS a 2 way street. But it is also a very difficult street. Again with the assumptions.....other than the crazy hit and run posters who show up to "stir the pot", no one claims ap's lie steal and cheat.

Open adoption IS a tactic that agencies use as a bargaining chip to push a girl into choosing to surrender. You wont find any hard scientific facts about it, though, because it's another secret of the adoption industry.

I have talked to several first Moms who are involved with open adoption and have decided it is NOT in the best interest of their child because of the ap's attitude during the visits. Snyde remarks, back handed compliments, not to mention the visits almost always occur in the ap's home. All conversations are monitored, and the subject is always changed if it is something the ap doesn't like. They interrupt hugs and are just plain invasive.
The child ends up uncomfortable because of the ap's behavior, and the first Moms do not wish to put their child in that situation. Some of their kids will send letters and sneak phone calls and say that their lives are hell in the days leading up to and a few days after the scheduled visits.

Imagine yourself, after being told you cannot raise a child "as well" as someone else, and you visit your child in the couple' home who was deemed worthier and more deserving to love and raise your child. I would imaging the feelings of self doubt and all those insecurities would be hitting you right in the face. Many have mentioned they felt like it was a competition for the child's affection, and that is never fair for the child.

I can say if I were an f Mom and was treated like that, I would have 2nd thoughts, too. I am an adult in reunion and sometimes have to deal with this.

Of course, there are cases where the first mom had her rights terminated and has not dealt with her problems that caused her to relinquish anyway...and it's sad. The child loses again.

Like you said, ap's close the open adoptions just as often as first Mom's do. Your experiences are real, as are the experiences of the people you know. But there are thousands of cases like this that are not "reported", and the open door is shut by either party. I would venture to say that people can come up with their own stats, and would be completely opposite of yours. You speak with more ap's, others speak more with first Moms, so both "stats" are somewhat skewed.

You wrote, "So, how does one make an open adoption work? You set expectations. You work at it. You set boundaries. You become friends. Respect.

Parents like Sophia and yourself have the right idea. You keep trying.

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=11454&cn=11

Sofiakat

My kids mom asked if we could send her pics and updates quarterly. We have been doing this for three years. In the packages I include over 100 pictures of the kids, a long letter of their experiences, their milestones, and personal accomplishments, and I split half their art work and send it to her. When they start getting report cards, I will send her that as well. When they are old enough, if they choose to send her letters, I will allow that to. Because her rights were stripped, the social worker told us that we did not have to do anything. We decided that it was in the best interest of everyone to do it anyhow. When my kids find her, I want her to have a good idea of who they are, and I also want her to have hope of reunion someday.
However, she has never once picked up any of these packages. We leave them every four months at CAS. The last time I left one the social worker told me just to put in a couple pics and maybe a letter because she may never ever pick them up. I have decided to continue to do what I have already be doing.

Lori A

2 points for KidMindi:

I am from the closed era. I have often wondered if opened is better than closed. I have come to the conclusion that it can be if it is worked at. That includes reaffirming the surrendering parents that there is a place for them and that they ARE wanted by the adoptive parents to assume that place.

I have heard that there are surrendering parents who walk away and never look back but I find it hard to believe that this is the norm, because it was so hard for me. If you have never surrendered a child you can not possibly know how this feels. Even those of us who did surrender, didn't fully understand the ramifications it was going to have on us. We too were droned by the adoption language and way of thinking that someone else was a better parent and we wanted what was best for our children EVEN if that meant staying away. Coercion language can be very subtle from an agency worker. They may be telling you the adoptive parent that they are trying everything they can to keep the other parent involved, when in reality they are subtly telling the other parent that it might be best to just get on with their lives and leave their children alone.

I say this because even though I am from the closed era, those words were used on me and I believed them and I know they are still used today on others.

IF and that's a big if, the parents could come together without the agency involved, I believe the success rate of opened adoption might be better.

Mei-Ling

I think a lot of it has to do with this several unspoken stereotype that a lot of adoptive parents are insecure about allowing the firstparents back into the child's life - the whole possession conflict that is commonly seen on adoption threads.

Of course, I have seen reports of firstparents who suddenly just broke off contact. Perhaps it's just too painful for them at times.

BLW_KAM

Maintaining our open adoption takes patience and the occasion nudge. In the beginning we talked more often and visited more often than we do now. These days our most frequently form of visiting is through MySpace.

I understand and I don't understand. J's natural mother has been married, divorced, had two more children and has moved several times. Her life has been very full during the last ten years. So when we don't hear from her (or hear back) I understand.

But when she misses J's birthday, I have more trouble understanding. This year I put "Today we're celebrating J's 10th birthday" in our MySpace status. It worked! J's natural mother posted a very loving birthday wish on the page.

I know she loves J. She beams when she sees her. I don't know if it's too painful for her to stay in contact more often or if it's the reality of a full life raising three children.

I plan to keep doing what I'm doing. I'll keep updating MySpace, send her e-mails with J's report card or something else exciting. She knows where we are so I'll keep the door open ... always.

Heather B

Because that's what happens in the majority of cases. That's why.

myst1998

Its not assumption that I make; its based n the amount of emails and storeis I have received telling me this is what happened and see it happening all the time.

Yes, some mothers do break off contact but it is usually the AP's and not the mother.

Isabel A

I think it might also come from the publishing of the book "Fast Track Adoptions" in which the authors actually instruct PAP's on how to lure in Potential mothers with lies and then take the kid and run.
One of the authors of the book did just this to procure her child and then she wrote the book. When her child's firstmother read the book, she became so upset to learn how she was duped out of her child that she killed herself.

And of course there also some celebrity adoptions that went down the same way. Hugh Jackman and his wife adopted from the US because Australia's laws are so rigid for family preservation. They promised their older son's American firstmother visitation and open adoption and then took the kid back to Australia and closed it up. That firstmother also committed suicide.
And now, Jackman's wife is arguing that Australia should go back to doing adoption the way the US does because it worked out so well for their family. I wonder if their son will feel that way when he finds out what hapened to his mother and how she was used.

Madam Bari

I would never claim that there are no f-mothers who back out of open adoptions... because I know that it does happen.
But there ARE a surprising amount of APs who back out of open adoptions too.

This part of why I believe in changing the legalities surrounding open adoption... There should be SOMETHING that makes an open adoption legally enforceable... it should protect BOTH parties from the possibility of the other backing out.

Open adoption would be a decent alternative, if only there were policies that pertained to it.

Philippa

I don't assume it is always the adoptive parents fault that contact is broken as I have seen posts on forums where it has been first parents have broken contact. Although my son's adoption was closed I can imagine why first parents break contact. It must be very hard for them to have a constant reminder that their child is calling someone else mum/dad, they are missing out on so much such as first smile, first tooth, first shoes, first day at school ... the list is endless. I do know it has hard knowing that my son's loyalties will be with his adoptive parents first which is right and I have told him I have always expected this. They ARE his parents which I also accept, I just feel a bit sad that I will always be second best. What keeps me going and accepting my lot is that we do have a good relationship.

grapesgum

Wow - all the way to a sleepover and a free movie/pizza in exchange for a baby! ??!! Such generosity. It's amazing to me that more parents don't jump at the benefits of an "open" adoption. Shame on those "birth" mothers for backing out of such a great deal. You are right - they are selfish bit@ches to walk away and lick their wounds in private when they could have photos, emails, AND a free piece of pizza.

ETA - Thanks - clear conscience = clear thinking.

kateiskate

It could be that way because 90 percent of the time it's true. Why the heck would someone who LOST their child want to have a sleepover or pizza party with the parents who are now raising said child? That to me seems incredibly patronizing to the adults who surrdendered their child. By treating people in a condescending way rather than treating them as adults, they aren't going to want to deal with you much are they?

sizesmith

Our adoption has been very open on our end, and the father's family, however, his birth mom rarely comes to visit. I do send many pictures through the mutual friend who introduced us, and I mail pictures to the grandmother, who relays them on. I heard she basically wallpapers her bedroom with them.

We kind of have the opposite of normal in our adoption, and for a while I was mad, because she did a dose of meth to get him out of her body was the excuse. Since then, she came back to us for a short period of time, and placed a daughter with us for 3 days, then changed her mind, and didn't ever show back up. The dad and several members of his family regularly see him. I wish she would.

JoHn S.

Great question! It's assumed quite often that it's always the AP who break off contact. It happens from both ends, but it's typically the AP's who get the flack and it's the biological side who get the pass, because it's hard on THEM. Well, heck yeah, it's hard. But, it's about the CHILD, not the adults....or, at least that's what has been hammered in to us AP's. If it's about the child when it comes to the AP's, then it's about the child, period.

Yes, it's wrong for AP's to suddenly break off contact without a valid reason (well-being of the CHILD, not parent, comes to mind). But, it's JUST as wrong when the biological parents break it off.

The biggest difference between AP's breaking contact and the biological side breaking contact, is that the AP's are the ones left picking up the pieces of the child's broken heart.

And, with all due respect Myst, emails and postings here are not a good basis for determining reality. You might want to use other collections of data to determine who does this more, if a person needs to know.

Not my fault either

don't you know? it's always the AP's fault--no matter what the problem in an adoptee's life. it's easier to blame the AP than the person they think of as the victim, the birthmom. no one wants to believe that the birthmom may not want contact. that would be more reality than they can handle. sometimes birthmoms just want to put the experience behind them. that's not to say that they don't think about them or want whats best for them and they may want to try to have a relationship later but for now get on with their lives. some people want to turn her into the victim. these same people like to think of themselves as victims too.

Birthers are NOT mothers

It's just another bs line birthers us to get sympathy. They tell the child that their parents closed the door when they really couldn't be bothered to take time out of their day to see them. I am so tired of these excuses. The adopted people see right through it and know that they were unwanted by her, it lives forever in the back of their minds and screws them up. Birthmothers rock!

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