Any adoption advice for a 20 yr old. college students who is 7 months pregnant?

Nurse Autumn Intactivist NFP

Ok, I just want you to know that I kow how you feel, I have been there. I was 19 when I got pregnant and I had my son one month before I turned 20. I am certainly not trying to be rude, but I must wonder, why are you wanting to relinquish you child?

Is it because you are single? So am I, and let me tell you, it is NOT as bad as people make it out to be. Now, I DO have the support of my family, and that helps a ton, but I am still the one that provides the support for my son, I am the one that raises him, and I wouldn't have it any other way. If you are wanting a "Two parent home" for your child? Remember, that the divorce rate is out of control, and more than likely, yur child will end up being raised by a single parent anyway. Then what? You loose a child, your child looses his heritage (and YOU, which is all he really wants anyways) all for a situation which is no better than he would have had anyways REMEMBER! You will not always be single! THIS IS TEMPORARY!!!

Is it because you are young? Honestly, 20 is not that young. It is an extreamly new development that women wait untill their 30's to have children. I am almost 21 now, and let me tell you, I am a wonderful mother. I love my son more than anything. Age is only a number, you CHOOSE to be a good or bad parent! REMEMBER! You will not always be young! THIS IS TEMPORARY!!!

Is it because you are in college? So am I. I am in Nursing School. I go to school at night, so my mom or my aunt can watch Jayden. Going to school while being a mom is not that bad. So you have to move your schedual around a little, so what? I promise, it pays off in the end. Being a mom is SOOOO much more fun than getting drunk every weekend at a frat house. And guess what, you can STILL party sometimes, you just find a babysitter for the night. I have never met a woman that became a mother and COMPLETELY gave up having a little fun every once in a while. REMEMBER! You will not always be in college! THIS IS TEMPORARY!!!

Is it because you don't think that you will be able to support the child? I thought that too. I had to move back in with my Mom, I got on Medicaid, WIC, and other government programs. You will get AWESOME scholarships and Grants for having a child. I will end up oweing next to nothing for school. You child does't want a fancy nursery, name brand clothes, and a trust fund, he wants YOU! You are ALL that he knows, and ALL that he wants. A baby is accutely aware of who his mother is immediatly after birth. This is the modern world, people will NOT allow you and you child to go without basic necessities. There are second hand stores that have REALLY cute stuff for next to nothing. REMEMBER! You will not always be struggling! THIS IS TEMPORARY!!!

I really hope you do your research (and that does NOT mean asking adoption agencies what they think, they make money from separting you from your child)

I also hope that you do not make a decision untill after your baby is born. There is NO rush, why don't you try to parent him for a while? At least then you will know...

Here are some links to get you started (you can also e-mail me!!)

http://rondidondi.wordpress.com/2007/10/24/my-days-without-poowee/

http://www.originscanada.org/adoption_coercion.html

http://www.angelfire.com/or/originsnsw/wendys_pres.html

http://www.birthmothers.info/

http://www.origins-usa.org/Default.aspx?pageId=69300

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/adoption_damage_to_children.html

http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php

Grapesgum- Thank you! That means soooo much to me, I often feel that people dismiss me and wish I wasn't on here because I am not part of the triad, it is nice to hear that my input is valued and appreciated. (even though I would still be on here even if it weren't!) I would have e-mailed you this, but I cant

Gershom

MY advice, since you asked for it.

Keep your baby.

You're the average age, and situation that mothers surrender in, in the United States. In college, getting a degree, almost ready to start your life. It will be harder with a child, but you can do it. Don't give up on her/him because he/she hasn't given up on you. They are counting on you.

Go get "journey of the adopted self" and find out what it feels like to grow up adopted.

The poster above me Top Contributor for Los Angeles, who wants to bet thats "their" adoption agency, and they're trying to get your child. Not give you any advice on your situation.

Being a young mother is hard, but losing a child is harder. My mother tells me monthly it was the hardest thing she's ever done. People will flack me for telling you to keep your child, if only someone would have done that to MY mom.

And before anyone says, I didn't have a "good" life, I did. I had everything, a horse before I could walk, a pool with water slide, a HUGE property with a HUGE house, and two adoptive parents who would do ANYTHING for me. But you can't replace your parents. My aparents are mathematicians, I'm an artist. They enjoy a game of Trival Pursuit for fun while I prefer poetry and self expression through creativity and dancing. Do you have any idea what it feels like to be an outcast in a family who doesn't understand because all they see is love for their child? Have you ever looked into the mirror and seen a stranger in your reflection because you look like nobody around you? Would you have liked to have your mother give you away so she could continue college? Is your child not worthy of you?

http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pdf
http://advocatesforpregnantwomen.org/
http://motherhelp.info/

What would it take for you to keep your child? And how can I help YOU achieve THAT?

I want you to look real closely at the people who tell you adoption is a good thing and to do it, without extending you a lending hand of help before they "help" you surrender your child.

OPEN adoptions are also NOT legally enforceable in any state. Don't let anyone fool you into making an open adoption plan that can close at the aparents discretion immediately after the adoption is finalized.

Journey of the Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton ( I have a copy, I will give it to you and mail it today if you PM me and ask )

And if all of this is out of the question, I humbly beg you to just try parenting out before making any type of adoption plan. Just bring your baby home with you and try it out for a couple of weeks. If its not going to work out, then do what you will. But don't give up on him/her without trying first...please.

PhilM

My advice?

Don't do ANYTHING quickly. Adoption can have very negative consequences on both you and your child. Think about this, see what your alternatives are. Would it be possible to keep your child? What help would you need? Can you get it?

I know my mother did what she thought best at the time. But that doesn't mean I didn't miss her because she wasn't there.

ETA: Further, there is no guarantee that the child's life will be better off.

grapesgum

Keep your option to parent open until after you meet your baby. Some parents find that they fall in love with their babies and cannot part with him/her and then have their backs to the wall because they do not have resources in place to parent. Unethical adoption agencies (and trust me on this one, there are very few ethical agencies) will take advantage of the lack of preparation and coerce and threaten the parents with bills and lawsuits.

Before you even think about going to an adoption agency, get independent counseling about your feelings with regards to parenting vs. adoption. Agency counseling with be VERY biased toward adoption. In fact, if you talk to an agency that calls you a "birthmother" before you give birth and agree to relinquish, run as fast as you can in the other direction. They are biased from the get-go toward adoption. Also, the father must be on board with the adoption as he must also agree to relinquish his rights to his child.

Do not be fooled by "non-profit" agencies. They are still businesses, and it is their business to collect fees by placing babies with adoptive parents. They can't make money to pay their bills if natural parents keep their babies.

Be careful on the WEBs and in chat rooms. Unethical agencies monitor sites like this looking for babies for their paying customers. Also, adoptive parents try to make contact on the WEB by offering to help or recommending their agencies. Often they are looking for a cheap adoption or are trying to circumvent legal processes.

Read this by a mother who regrets her decision to give her baby away - it has some outstanding advice on how to navigate the corrupt world of adoption agencies -

Heather Lowe's "What you should KNOW if you're considering adoption for your baby" http://www.cubirthparents.org/edd/index.php?id=1

I am sure that you will find plenty of glowing stories from "birth" mothers on adoption agency WEB sites. I have never met one in real life, in fact, the people who I know who have relinquished regret it and never just "moved on". Sorry, but that is my truth.

ETA - Thank you, Autumn - your perspective is so important.

ETA - Also, suggest that you contact - Mary Cady Ford who established a program at Vanderbilt University to help single parents stay in school. She is a single mom who went to Vandy for help when she became pregnant her junior year and found that they offered support for adoption or abortion only - no help for parenting.

http://www.insidevandy.com/drupal/node/7110

Possum

Adoption is a long term solution to an often short term problem.
YOU are most likely the BEST mother that this child could ever have.
You are definately the mother that your child is hoping for.
And your child is going to grow up and wonder why.
Is it just because you want to finish college??? For an adoptee - that's not a great response to hear.
You can do study - and be a mother.
I'm doing it now - and I have 3 kids.
Check the links given to you by others.
Wait, have your baby, see how things go.
Be very aware of your rights - be very aware of adoption agencies and adoptive parent agendas. They WANT your baby. They'll tell you whatever you want to hear.
They don't really give a stuff about you.
I wish you and your baby - a wonderful life together.

MamaKate

Dear A88ndre88a,

I have been where you are -same age and everything! I placed my son with "friends" who had been struggling to adopt for several years. I agreed to do so because I was promised I would always be involved with his life. They lied to me. It was the worst mistake of my life. Here are a few of the things I learned that you should know:

*Your current situation is TEMPORARY, adoption is PERMANENT
*Look into ALL your options for assistance with parenting (there is tons of help out there!) or kinship guardianship before making your choice -these options may suit you better than adoption.

If you chose adoption you should know:

* Open adoptions are NOT enforcable ANYWHERE in the US.
* You should research adoption THOROUGHLY before making a plan. Look a all sides of adoption and DO NOT get your information soley from an agency or facilitator.
* Know the laws for your state and the state where the PAPs reside.
* Have YOUR OWN legal representation
* Don't let the PAPs in your delivery room
*Hold your child
* Read everything carefully and ask questions before you sign ANYTHING
* Many First Mothers NEVER "get over" it - time does not heal all wounds...

These are just the ones I could think of off the top of my head. If you have ANY questions or just need to talk, please don't hesitate to e-mail me!

Good luck to you in making this decision. My heart goes out to you. Please remember you are NOT alone...

Sincerely,
MamaKate

ETA: Interesting response that included the Independant Adoption Center - I am familiar with them and TOTALLY disagree that they are "ethical"!

kcgirl

I was 19 years old and a college student when I was pregnant and placed my baby for adoption. Its a hard thing to do, but in my situation was best for everyone.

My baby was able to be placed in a home with 2 loving parents (I chose the adoptive couple) and I was able to continue school and move on with my life. I know I was not ready to be a parent, and the birth father was not either. That was 5 years ago, and I do not regret my decision at all.

If you'd like to email me and talk more about this, or ask me any questions...please feel free. My email is kacie_michele@yahoo.com

t.barrell

I know a girl in this situation, she talked to some of her friends and her dr. and they found a couple who paid for her medical care and adopted the child, which was agreed on upon both parties. good luck

cmc

I'm an adoptive mom,so obviously pro-adoption. however I realize it isn't for every situation, and don't want anyone to be pressured into it. One thing you should know is that even if you find a family for your child while pregnant, and even if you get some money to help with maternity expense... you are NOT required to place the baby. You cannot make that decision until after the baby is born. Exactly when differs by state. For example I think for my daughter's mom she was required to be released from the hospital before she signed. Once you sign the relinquishment you cannot change your mind, so be sure.

All that said, it can be the best solution in some cases where a woman isn't ready to parent. Also the father's consent is needed unless you honestly don't know who he is (and then there is still a process that needs to be followed to terminate his rights). You can choose the family yourself, and decide on the level of contact you want. Check out the references for the agency and make sure you're working with someone reputable. We worked with adoptionconnection.org in san francisco area and I really liked them, but depending where you are and how much contact you want they might not work for you (if you decided you were interested in adoption). My daughter was born in GA, but we were living in CA at the time. Her mom doesn't want ongoing contact, although we let her know we are open to it in the future. (We aren't trying to adopt now, I'm just letting you know that I liked that agency)

I wish you all the best in making a difficult decision.

Daisey Duck

I won''t try to sway you either way. I do think you need to talk to your family, and trusted friends. Get their opinions and thoughts. See if they can possibly help in any way. Talk to your counselors at school and see what resources are available to help you continue your studies. Talk to a social worker and maybe a lawyer to see what all is involved and how to go forth with adoption. After you have done these things I think you will be in a better position to make your decision. Only you can make this choice. You are the only one who knows what will be best for you and the baby. Good luck with this as I know this will be one of the hardest choices you will ever have to make.

soontobeself

I can't imagine what a difficult decision this must be for you. Having just graduated recently, I do understand how hard school is without having a baby. I comend you on not having an abortion, there truly are so many loving couples out there who would love to have a baby. My husband and I are just beginning the adoption process and there are very long waiting list of wonderful people who are looking to adopt. There are many options for you if you do chose the adoption route, I would be happy to help you find a place you can go to for help. I would also recommend that you seek some counseling as this is such an important decision, your college should offer confidential and free counseling. Once again feel free to email me if you need someone to talk to or would like some help finding some services for you. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

Suzy Sunshine

Do not feel rushed, you have time to make a decision. If you need financial or emotional support you may want to spend the next few months in a maternity home. They still exist and if you go to one you are NOT legally obligated to the agency sponsor in any way.

Taking some time away in a peaceful environment may be a good idea for you. But also take the time to talk with friends or family that you trust. Some people are simply not able to understand that making an adoption plan is sometimes the most loving way to handle a pregnancy so think careful about who you want to include in the conversation.

Do you know how to find a program?

CarlisleGirl

There are many of us who would like to adopt and many highly legitimate adoption agencies. Here's an example: Independent Adoption Agency in Los Angeles, which is a proper non-profit that follows all ethical procedures. I think that would be better than a private adoption.

m'smama

Our son's birth mother made the decision to place him for adoption when she was about 7 months along. I'd look at some of the local adoption agencies in your area, maybe meet with several of them to see who you are the most comfortable with. Think about whether you want an open adoption, where you would choose the adoptive parents yourself, and agree with them to have some level of contact in the future.

Best of luck to you in finding the right adoption situation for you and your baby!

britney_and_edward_1993

Not that this might help you, but do u know what your having?

loryntoo

Adoption can be a good decision. It means that you can continue your education without worry and often in a better situation financially and your child will get a loving home in an upper income bracket. After you have your career and get married, you should be able to have more children and those children will be better off financially because you didn't keep your first born. That's the logic of it.

On the emotional side, you will miss that baby. You have to be really committed to your choice or it can tear you up. Of course, it can also tear you up if you lose your dreams for this child. You need to take a good hard look at what you really want and decide if it is the career path you intend to take or the child. It may be that you'll scream "NEITHER" and decide your future, what you really want, is in another area together. This is when you make a life choice. Good luck with it.

The only thing I can really say about adoption is the child will get good parents who have money and you'll be able to continue your life. Just make sure that's what you want.

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: