Any thoughts from AP's?

tickled blue

Hi Lindsey,

For us, it was immidiate....though I am sure that varies with every parent. Our aChild was placed with us through foster care 6 months ago. He is the joy of our lives and he immediately wrapped us around his little finger. When we first met him at his foster home, he waddled into the living room, came over to me, raised his arms to be held, and gave me a big bear hug and said, "Daddy". lol....I am mommy, but it didn't really matter. The point is that there was an immediate bond with us towards him, though I am certain that it took him a bit longer to adjust. New parents, new home, new room, new clothes, new community and friends, etc.
We have tried to keep him in touch with his former foster family and his first family....though that is sometimes difficult to do. He is only a year old and he doesn't understand exactly who everyone is, but we keep pictures of his mom, his half brother, and his foster family in his room for him...so he knows their faces.
Honestly, he felt like 'ours' from about the 2nd month we had him. Prior to that, he felt like a posessive ours....we wanted him, we loved him, we were 'chosen' to raise him, etc.....but that soon changed as we learned more about adoption and about his feelings and his rights. He is 'ours' in the sense that he is ALL of ours. He is our child to raise, his mother's child to love, his foster parents' child to share in life. He is the perfect blending of 2 people's DNA.....2 people who are not us. 2 people who brought him into this world and loved him and wanted him to have a good and happy life. They got into some trouble and were never able to overcome that. He is no less 'theirs' because of their situation. He is no less his foster parents' because we were chosen as parents. They were the first people to see him in the hospital following birth; they were the ones who held him and rocked him and loved him while he lay in the NICU for weeks. They were the ones who brought him home and gave him love and comfort for months before we ever entered the picture.
He is the child of us ALL and it is our duty as parents to give him as much access and information to all of the parents in his life. I don't see it as a bad thing....I see it as a ton of people who love my child. I cannot wait for his mommy to be in the right place in her life so that she can visit with him and get to know him as a person. He has her eyes and her spirit/enthusiasm. I am sure it will be a tough road ahead trying to understand his difficult past....but it is my sincere desire that our mutual love for this child, OUR child, will manifest itself in everything we do as parents....in the way we care for him and in the way we treat one another. His first family and his foster family will always have a place in our lives and, most importantly, in his life. Sorry for the book^^
<<adoptive mommy through foster care.

Sophie

Yes, I loved my baby the day his name was referred to me.

My son was mine in my heart only for almost 8 months until I physically held him. At that point, he felt like mine... but when I arrived home in the USA, I knew for sure he was mine.

I never felt as though he wasn't mine. But often I remember that he is his natural mother's too... I sometimes wish I could switch a button and allow his natural mother to see through my eyes and feel what's in my heart for our son... just so she knows that he is TRULY and UNCONDITIONALLY loved.

My extended family loves him as they love the other children in my family. My parents are so proud of their first grandchild; my sister and brother are proud of their first nephew... my Grandmother is totally proud of her great grandson.

Becoming a parent for the first time is overwhelming but so joyous at the same time that everything you go through makes it all worth the wait.

bugitz0223

When I first met my daughter, it was wonderful to meet her. It did take us some time to bond with each other. The country she's adopted from has parents do a "bonding period" first before your court date, and so I only could visit her once a day for 2 hours per day for the first 2 and a half weeks. She wasn't used to attention or love at all, so she was not too responsive initially. In the beginning I did feel love for her, but it was kind of the way I love any child I am in regular contact with. I didn't feel that mother's love until our 24 hour plane ride home. She slept on my chest the whole first flight, which was 7 hours. somehow it was there that the bond which had been growing solidified and turned into something greater and more powerful. From there it's just grown and grown, and I'm so happy to be her mom and that we're so close. I've never felt that she wasn't my child, but it did take some time to have that bond that's between a mother and her child.

sizesmith

When my son's 1st mom was expecting, we'd go shopping together, and the day I saw his foot kick her belly, I bonded with him (and her). I was so lucky to be there (not in the room), when he was born, and I got to give him his first bath. She loved him first, and I loved him from the moment I knew about him.

His daddy said that is was a three phase process for him. He loved him the minute he saw him, but kept his feelings guarded. After the 10 day waiting period after they signed consents, he breathed easier. The day that the judge ordered the adoption final was when we celebrated his adoption. I also said a prayer for her that day, that she is peaceful over the adoption, and that she continue to love him and be part of his life.

Kazi

What a great question.

Yes, you absolutely can fall in love with your child overnight. We did. Twice. I'm an adoptive mom of 2 and each time I was completely overwhelmed with the intensity of my love for my children.

That being said, we were prepared to not have those instant loving feelings as we were virtual strangers, and many adoptive parents don't until a few days or weeks later.

I've never felt like they weren't my children. I know that I share them with their first families, however, I have always felt like they were mine.

As for how it feels to be a new mom... wow, where could I begin. I think the feelings are very similar to biological parents (at least that's what my friends tell me) in that it's a veritable blend of every emotion in varying intensities: love, joy, fear, anxiety, excitement, fatigue... you name it.

ETA: My family, my friends... everyone loves them both to pieces.

opedial

We have had an interesting experience. We adopted three children, ages 4,5,6. Two of the children their was an instant bond, I cannot even tell you how great it was on both sides. The third child it took a long time to really see me parenting him long term, and him to warm to me. I wish I had just fell in love with him like the other ones, but for some reason the chemistry was off and it didn't happen right away. We have put much effort into bonding, and realize it takes time.

My husband everyone fell in love with right away, but he really is lvoeable so it is understandable!

As for extended family, it was mixed, but once they actually meet them they feel more like they are part of the family, but in reality when they live so far away, soemtimes it is hard for them to realize they have nieces/nephews.

Roberta P

We fell in love with our daughters the minute we saw their pictures. It was an instant bond just like when we found out I was pregnant. We hoped for instant love from the girls but we were expecting to have to earn their trust and their love would soon follow. Extended family fell in love with them at first sight as well. I have never felt that any of my children didn't feel like my child.

Indian-vision

For me the day i held her i felt she is mine and all mine. It was our destiny to parent her. It was our destiny to love, cherish and adore her. Her dad feels the exact same thing. I often forget we adopted her and only when i read her adoption story do i get reminded of how she came to be ours.
Her grand parents adore her and dote on her, are very very protective of her. Her Aunts and Uncles and most of her cousins are simply and madly in love with her. I have never ever once felt that she was being loved any less by her extended family than if she was biologically ours.

And yes this love is overwhelming because i do sometimes feel i gush over her and adore her more than some other parents who gave birth to their children. I am comparing with most of my friends. I have a hard time leaving her for extended hours in a day as i am a Stay home mom. I feel ill whenever she is ill. I feel the need to hold on to her and just give her everything she wants. Ya. o.k i may be spoiling her a wee bit. But well i let her dad set the rules and do the disclipining.
Oh yes she has completely bonded with us and is a happy child.
Well this is our family story. :-)

Erin L

I loved my daughter right away, and I was comitted to her, but I didn't LOVE her right away. Attachment is a process, and it doesn't happen overnight. As strong as my feelings were seeing a first picture, as strong as my feelings were those first days, when I compare it to what I feel NOW for her, it doesn't compare. There were all kinds of feelings at first. Empathy for my daughter's first mother and foster mother and the grief they had to be feeling. Sadness for my daughter and the fear and grief she was feeling, frustration and helplessness at not being able to make it better for her right away. I wondered if it would always be so hard. It wasn't all joy at first. That being said, I think it's totally wrong when people say that a "real" mother/child connection can't develop in adoptive families. I definitely now do have that unconditional, would give my life in a second, do anything for you love for my daughter that a mother should have. I absolutely believe my daughter will miss the connection she could have had with her first mother, but I do know her connection to me and it IS deep. It was about six weeks after first meeting my daughter that I first realized I truly felt like her mother, like my instinct was totally to fight for her before anything. It was at that point that I think she really started to attach to me, know she could depend on me, trust me. And it grew from there.

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