Are APs more indulgent?

Serenity71

I believe there are adoptive parents who do spoil their kids and give them everything they ask for. (People who even try for biological children for many years can spoil their kids with gifts that are over the top for their age.) I wondered if I'd be tempted myself to be like that because we waited so long to become parents.

My husband just the other day began looking at cute little timber cubby houses for his darlings, but I put a stop to it because I feel they are to young to appreciate it yet. (And they are darn expensive) I don't want to just give them 'things' on whim. I did say in a year or two for Christmas might be good and he has to build it for them...(We're not financially wealthy people for starters.) They need to learn boundaries. From what I have seen kids with boundaries are much happier than kids who don't have any. (Lots of love, discipline, knowing they can't just do as they please and get away with it. Things like that.)

I doubt that you can give you kids ever enough love, I say spoil them with love and cuddles.... doing craft, and learning exercises ....not things....(I bet they would rather see mum and dad taking an interest in how they're doing at school or homework in the long term.)

Most of my friends agree on that, we can't over indulge them in things to please them for the moment. That's not say it doesn't still happen occasionally.

But we're not all perfect parents... And I'm not a Stepford wife or Mrs Brady....

(They will one day get a puppy i hope...)

aloha.girl59

I have one child. I adopted him, so I don't know if I would be more or less indulgent with bio kids than I am with him. I do know this though: I am less indulgent discipline-wise than my sister (whose children are bio) and my best friend (whose only child is bio). My niece and nephews and my friend's daughter get away with murder when compared to my kid. I am a single parent and I let very little slide when it comes to bad behavior/smart mouthing/bad language/etc.

When it comes to toys and gifts, my kid is pretty indulged. :) I love to get him little presents -- even if it's just an Icee from 7-11 on my way to pick him up after school -- and Christmas is probably as much fun for me as it is for him because I LOVE to see how excited he is when he gets his presents! But I don't rush straight to the toy aisle in WalMart when we are shopping and buy him everything he desires. He gets an allowance and knows that if he wants something in particular, he needs to save up for it.

opedial

I agree with Sunny that SOME are trying to compensate, but for us, we are not trying to compensate for not being their bio parents, but for the lives they have had to lead before they came to us. Their past Christmas' were filled with many tears, fights etc. etc. This Christmas we have gone WAYYYY overboard, but I would say we are doing this equally with presents are we are with time, love, food, and everything else to make this holiday complete. We are also ourselves celebrating our first holiday season as parents, and we are all loving it.

So yes, I do overinduldge at times, but otherwise keep strict boundaries. You can't spoil with love and attention, is our motto, but the odd material good is okay every now and again. The kids won't have to worry about spoiling them in the New Year, because we won't have any funds left after the holiday season in which to do so!

Kim

I do think there is the potential to overcompensate with extra everything, but I don't think all, or even most, adoptive parents do. We were also cautioned against "overwhelming our children" with experiences and/or stuff in our pre-adoption training courses.

Among the adoptive families I know, there are a few who I think are overindulgent, but I don't think most of them are -- and not at a greater rate than families in general. (Although I think there are a lot of families, adoptive or not, who are overindulgent these days.)

Among our family, friends, and my son's classmates' families, I would say we're one of the less indulgent families when it comes to material things. (I'm also a mean mom sometimes!) But I don't think that has anything to do with adoption -- I think it's more about overall parenting style and general outlook on life. Stuff does not equal happiness.

I watched the 20/20 thing online and one thing stuck me about Rita's "beautiful bedroom" that her parents were so surprised she didn't appreciate. It looked like a beautiful out-of-a-magazine decorated room, but did not look like they had asked for Rita's input *at all.* I don't think I'd appreciate it if someone redecorated my bedroom without my input either -- as a teen, or even today.

Indian-vision

I am an Adoptive parent. No ! I don't feel i am over indulgent. I feel like a regular parent. I have seen over indulgent parents and i can't help roll my eyes at them and think they are training them to be spoilt kids.
Oh yes i can't help gushing over how smart and beautifull and perfect she is to my husband and family. I praise her, but my parenting style tells me not to gush over her on her face so as to spoil her. But that has nothing to do with adoption. My parents were exactly like that with me. They would not praise me much on my face , but i knew they felt proud.

As for grandparents they are over indulgent. I don't think its to do with adoption but we got our baby home after so many years of waiting.

âœ§ â“â“˜â“›â“¨ â™¥ kaelers, emy & bella

I think they're just like every other parents - some are over-indulgent, some aren't. You get the same kinds of things with natural parents, foster parents, grandparents, whatever.

Personally, I was adopted at 11 after my mother died, and yes, my godparents were somewhat indulgent. I wasn't spoiled at all and did not have any behavioural problems arising from it, because I was old enough to know what I came from and how good I had it. I was grateful for it, but did not expect it as some children seem to.

My husband and I have my nieces, and I'd also have to say I indulge them, though I don't know if it can be considered spoiling them since they don't ASK for anything or have that sense of entitlement. I want to give them the experiences and opportunities that most children (natural or adopted) have that they did not when they were with my sister.

I think it depends on the parenting how spoiled the child is, no matter if they're indulged or not. Kids can be indulged and still be grateful and respectful, IMO - it's just how you deal with what you do for them.

Sofiakat

I am an AP and I have to answer yes, I have been more indulgent in the beginning. Everyone was. My family and my husbands family were indulgent. Friends were indulgent. But especially me.
I switched it quickly after the first few months, but I still fight the urge to give them everything.
Even when they were foster kids with us, everyone was still indulgent. Thank God the kids didn't notice lol. It was easy to switch back to normalcy for us. Grandparents are still indulgent tho.

Sophie

I don't think I over compensate for anything, but my son does get things I always wanted when I was young... I recently asked if parents tell their chidren they're awesome alot and how some people think I spoil my son with compliments.

I don't know if that's an adoption thing for us or not. Could be; could not be. As long as my son gets enough LOVE, the material stuff doesn't matter.

Bouvier

I think the answer to this question will vary. Everyone is different. I can honestly tell you that whether or not my daughter was adopted, we would treat her in the same manner.

I can understand however, that an AP may over indulge with an older adopted child, mainly, because they understand "NEW STUFF", more than an infant would.

I do understand your "puppy" delemna too. That's a tough one, but remember, unless she is old enough to "totally" take care of that pup, it's one more responsibility for mom and/or dad!

Wundt

In my extended family, there are 5 biological children and three adopted, and I can say that they are all treated the same. The 'adoptive' status is irrelevant.

I am sure there are some who over-indulge their adopted children. But, there have been several comments and questions from adopted kids on this site about how, as an adopted child, they were never treated as well as the biological kids. So, I don't think there is any way you can say there is a trend one way or another.

Annabelle

Yes, I think APs feel pressure to provide well for the kids. They overdo it from time to time as do other parents with guilt for whatever reason. That couple on 20/20 was really bad about it though.

Phoenix

I think every AP is different, but perhaps have a greater tendency than bio parents to indulge their children with stuff like other people on here have said.

My APs were generous and still are. I love them, but I think they could have given us less stuff and got us to do chores. It seems like an odd thing to complain about but I think they were a bit too soft on us and still are.

But for over-indulgence, you should see my little half-brother. My bio mom spoils him rotten. He's a cute kid and she is a good mom most of the time, but I think he has way too much stuff for his age. But then maybe she's trying to make up for not raising me or something, or maybe she just likes giving him stuff. Who knows.

Some APs probably would have been indulgent with any kids (bio or otherwise), some spoil their adopted kids and others do what Botz's did and treat their adopted kids like crap because they're not their natural kids.

Everyone's different.

BOTZ

"Are APs more indulgent?"

More indulgent to whom? To adoptees? Not so much. Well, some probably are...certainly not mine.

To biological children they are raising alongside the adopted? Yeah, that would be the case in my "forever family".

Look at my "forever family" 25 years ago...and who was being indulged. What will you see? Golden girl.

Look at my "forever family" today...and who IS being indulged (at 40+ years old)? Golden girl.

Add to that, my "forever parents" have 10 grandchildren from 3 of their 4 children -- all except me. Whose children are overindulged by the grandparents? Golden girl's.

Who is Golden girl, you might ask? My (*cough*cough*) "sister" in my "forever family" -- the ONE AND ONLY biological child of the people who adopted me.

"If you have an adoptive family in your circle, do you feel the APs are indulgent to a greater extent than natural parents?"

Here again, it depends on what you mean. Are they more indulgent to THEIR adopted children than THEIR biological children? No. Are they more indulgent to THEIR biological children (in a mixed-creation family) than "normal" (in this case, non-adoptive/non-'mixed') parents are to their own "normal" children in their own "real" families? Yes. Insanely so. It's also kind of funny. They can't get it right. I think they regret deeply adopting any of us. But, mostly so the oldest, the only "brother"...the one they 'got' before they knew they COULD have a child (Kinda like a certain someone that hangs around these boards a lot).

My perception (from within my own "forever family") was that they constantly indulged -- and spoiled, coddled, carressed, and fawned over -- Golden girl by way of 'apology', if you will. It was always as if they were saying to her, "We're so sorry we 'got' these other kids who are now interfering with 'our' (yours and ours) family. If we had known you were 'coming', we would have kept everything we had JUST FOR YOU as you are the one who is REALLY entitled to everything we have -- you are our REAL child. We want to make sure you know that you are SPECIAL and ABOVE them...and you are TRULY the child we ALWAYS WANTED."

IDK!!

she hit the nail on the head. many try to buy love and try to "make up" for what they lost, but it just invalidates their feelings.

sunny

I think many are trying to compensate.

Independ"ant"

I think many use materialism to buy their child's love. Its not uncommon. Think about it....many adopt using Materialism as a justification to begin with.

The Ap in that show actually said," We are giving them everything they want (materialistically) but they are rejecting us....something is wrong with them".

http://abcnews.go.com/2020
watch #4

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