Are Searching Adoptees Seeking to 'Disrupt Lives'?

Robin

What silliness! I'm sorry to be so dismissive, but the people who say this are people who don't know, or are trying to justify why THEY don't want to search.

When I began my search, I was very mindful of the fact that my first mother's husband & family may know nothing about me. It was a HUGE consideration in how I planned to contact her if & when I found her. Turns out, everyone in her family knew and were kind of waiting for me to find them.

I went through the same reservations when I found my birth father. Again, I didn't want to disrupt his life or that of his wife & family. When I contacted him, requesting only medical information, he wanted to meet me and promptly told his wife & family. His wife was there to greet me with open arms and now refers to me as "her other daughter".

Adoptees worry about how their adopted parents will feel. We worry about disrupting our first families lives. For those who search, we worry about everyone else. It's a stressful decision, and not usually one made without much careful thought.

PS as a child of the 60's, I can honestly say, based on my placement, that no one worried about disrupting MY life!

ETA RE: the comments about respecting the privacy of the 2% that don't welcome reunion; adoptees DO respect f. parent's rights. Almost everyone has mentioned that ALL adults have a right to decide who they will associate with & who they won't. We aren't going to go barging in to our first parent's lives & "out" them! Geez, we aren't crazed stalkers! I've seen (TV) & read about many adoptees who's first mom's have limited contact with them for years without telling their families. And the adoptees do respect their decision to remain 'closeted'.

Torrejon

Of course I did not seek to disrupt lives when I search for my bfamily. I was trying to find truth about myself and my situation. I have never, ever lied about my adoption.

My bparents did perceive being found a major disruption. They had told everyone that I died at birth as a cover story for relinquishing me for adoption. They had a memorial service for me. They used this lie to scare the other pregnant wives in the family for years, telling them: Be careful or you will lose your baby like we did. Gazillions of lies, recent lies, ways that they used the lie to hurt/scare other people, lied on my bsibling's birth certificate. You bet (!) they thought being found was a disruption...and they complained bitterly! The stigma is on them now.

Lori A

No. I don't see it that way. I just read last night that 98% of nparents want reunion. This was right after a post that said " most nparents don't want to be found". I think that is so far off base. It is closure, for everyone. I think you may get the rare individual that has some sort of attachment disorder them selves (which I believe is a medical condition) and that would be a shame for the adoptee but other than that, I think most who say they don't want to be found are ashamed or affraid of opening old wounds. I know I was. Holy cow, was I affraid and it wasn't even my reunion. I went in front of the man I had a child with 35 years before and didn't know wht to expect any more than my daughter did.

There was one man who stated he didn't want to reunite for that reason, he didn't want to open old wounds.

It is healing, so healing. It gives you a sense of completion. It takes all the tension that is associated with it and just makes it disapear, melt away.

I see it as a way of completing lives.

Do I think it is a stigma? Yeah probably, but only if you let it be.

cruzgirlz3

I'm certainly not seeking to disrupt anyone's life. Honestly, though, I am afraid that I will by seeking them out if they don't want to be found.....that fear of imposing is what has kept me from searching.

Just my personal little issue.

LaurieDB

Adopted people are not seeking to disrupt anyone's lives. There are different reasons adopted people and first parents search for each other, but to disrupt each others' lives is not one of them.

In our society, people have the right to free association unless there is an order in place that denies someone that right because that person has been shown to be a threat of harm to another. But, because a few people in society are considered a harm to some other people, this does not mean that all people are considered a potential harm to others and treated as such. For example, if a man has a restraining order against a woman who has made obvious threats against his life, and he obtains an order of restraint against her, does this mean that all women should be considered suspect with regard to committing such a crime? Of course not. That would stigmatize all women.

So, yes, if an adopted person is considered someone who seeks to "disrupting a life," then this person is stigmatized. Through no fault of his or her own, this person is placed into a suspect category.

The free association enjoyed by members of our society allows people to contact each other. Adopted people and first parents should be able to enjoy this same right, without being considered suspect, thus stigmatized.

There are attempts to criminalize by law the searching of first parents and adopted persons by one another. What next, should society attempt to criminalize people from contacting old friends if they have been estranged for say, 5 years or longer, because it might disrupt the other's life? Perhaps one of the old friends doesn't want to be contacted because he or she is still angry over an argument that was devastating and was the cause of the estrangement. The person being contacted doesn't want to relive the pain of that. Perhaps he doesn't want his family to know that he used to associate with such a person as this. Normally, the attempt to make contact with an old friend from whom one is estranged because of a big falling out is considered a positive and potentially healing move to make. So, why are there those who see it differently if it is about adopted people and their first parents? This silliness could go on and on.

Adopted persons and first parents should have the same rights as all other people -- no more and no less. Anything other than that is discrimination and, yes, it is stigmatizing. They are adults who are capable of handling their own relationships. They deserve to be treated with the same dignity as all others.

PhilM

Adoptees are not, at least as a general rule, seeking to disrupt lives. Might disruption happen? Sure. But that's not the goal.

Adoptees have no idea what they will find on the other end of a search. One fellow adoptee that I know found a grave. She has had to deal with knowing that she was just a few years too late. Another found a family that was much different than what she expected. Because of the secrecy surrounding our origins, we have to take a chance with a search for an information about where we came from.

I don't know any adoptees who EXPECT a relationship. Maybe they hope. Or maybe they just want information.

Adoptees, as a general rule, are no more interested in ruining other people's lives than the general populace. To claim they are out to disrupt lives is clearly to accuse them of something. Best just to ignore such people, who clearly lack a proper understanding of the adoptee's situation.

magic pointe shoes

I think that the concept of disrupting lives is someone buying into the myth that with adoption one can just move on with a clean slate, whether it is an adoptee or a birthparent. I don't think that the person saying such a thing has ever considered the ramifications of such a statement when it comes to basic civil rights that are marginalized because of that statement or idea.

Cam

Every adoptee has the right to search. Sadly there is the risk of rejection but I think sometimes all an adoptee wants is a name to a face.
Story:
My sister-in-law is in her 30's (adopted/closed).She has big beautiful blue eyes. So do my neices and nephews. To this day she has not been able to get any information about her birth mother.
Just to have a name and a picture to see if her mother might have the same gorgeous eyes is all she'd like to know. Someone to physically identify with. Not much to ask.

lady

Please look. You owe it to yourself, if nothing else. Please look, I am a first mother. I would welcome the "disruption".

I think adoptees are made to feel this way, and it is wrong.

Good luck with your search. It's your right.

amyburt40

Okay here is my piece on this. It is the industry that states this. It sure isn't those living adoption. Adoptive parents now want their children to have that information.

My story. I began my search in 2006. I had the agency CI (confidential intermediary) contact my natural mother. She supposedly refused. I say this because the CI lied to me on other fronts. Many of the posters know this.She lied to me about the law. The agency made up its own rules. If you ever read my blog, the transcripts are in the April 2006 section. I have since heard this woman has discouraged adoptees from searching, coming up with an identical story, and she is the former director of the agency. So I believe that this woman has something to hide along with an agenda. If my natural mother is anything like me, this woman probably ticked her off.

I don't think its disrupting to speak with her myself. I can even concede that she and I might never get along. The sad part is my father wanted me. He called the agency several times hoping to "adopt" me along with his wife. His wife knew everything at this time. They had one daughter but lost three children at birth. Because the laws are interpreted differently by different agencies, I can't make contact with him even though I paid a small fortune to the agency. Her sons, my brothers, who are now adults should have the right to know about me along with my father being able to find me or me him.

According to the NCFA, we are all incapable of making our decisions in adoption. This includes adoptees, natural parents, and adoptive parents. Interesting enough, a case of twins came into the news. I am sure eveyone knows this but they were married to each other. Just another reason why adoption should not be sealed from us living adoption. The secrecy stigmatizes all living adoption.

Tmarie99

I'm a birth mother, and I don't think anyone searching is looking to disrupt anything. There is no reason for disruption.
I mean, if my son came into our life (me and my family) we'd be surprised, excited, and apprehensive (as he would be, I think), but everyone important to me knows about him. The only way it would disrupt my life would be either...
1. I had hid that part of my life from my husband and family. Which I didn't.
OR
2. He came in expecting apologies, remorse, lifestyle changes.
I don't know, obviously, what searching adoptees have going through their minds, but I don't believe y'all are looking to disrupt. You just want to see an end to the questions.
Good luck, I hope you find your birth mother, and I hope it's a good reunion for you both.

KimGonzo

Searching absolutely can disrupt the birhtmother's life (likewise, birthparents searching can equally disrupted the adoptees lives). That doesn't mean it always will, but I think if anybody (birthparent, birth sibling, or adoptee) wants to conduct a search, they must do so responsibily and take into consideration a number of factors:

- the adoptee/birth relative may not want to be found
- the adoptee may not have been told he or she was adopted (this is increasingly rare in recent adoptions, but this has not always been the case)
- the birthparent may not have disclosed to his or her family that they had a child previously
- the birthparent may be in active denial about her grief over the adoption

When you are searching for a birth relative, you don't know what that persons's life situation is. You don't always know what their feelings are about the adoption -- anger, denial, and grief are often all bound together, they are all part of the grieving process so it's not unusual that the person may be in any of these stages of grief.

In my birthmother's case, she had not told any of her current family members about me. She had been in active denial over my adoption. She did not even think of me for many many years because the grief was too hard for her to process. She'd also isolated herself from anybody who could have helped her through the grieving process because she never told anybody about me.

I was fortunate that I met her at a time she had actually been thinking about me and wanted to know how I was doing, but if I had found her even just a year or two earlier, it would have been a completely different situation.

My birthfather on the other hand, told his wife before he married her that he'd had a daughter out of wedlock. It was his wife in fact who prepared him for the fact that I would probably come looking for him one day.

rachael

do you know how many times i ask myself that same question? i knew lori carried a scar from my c-section. and back then they were not concerned about discrestion. so i was much more at ease with finding and "disrupting" her. there wasnt much hiding that scar from anyone that became close to her.

but finding my biofather...oh lord, you have no idea the anguish i put myself through. lori and i tried (halfheartedly) a couple of times over the years. but the fear of destroying his life with a wife or children really held us back. that was the last thing i wanted. he gave me so much by giving my life and the choice he and lori made the last thing i wanted was to hurt or shame him. i didnt know if he had told anyone over the years (which he didnt, the whole "open wounds" thing)

in the end, there is no wife or children. but i do have to face the firing squad of his brothers and sisters that want to protect him from some weird woman that shows up 35 years later. 'what is her purpose?', 'why now', 'what does she expect/want from him?'

all honest questions. i respect them for caring so much to question me. they love their brother and dont want to see him hurt.

overall, i dont think any adoptee goes into a reunion to disrupt anyones life. but sometimes it does happen. it unfortunate, but true.

as for the stigma, yea i think its there, but mostly by people that dont understand. they have limited sources to get experience from and they base this on their assumption of what they would do.

mlassi65

I heard the disruption line many times, along with "opening a can of worms" and "opening Pandora's box". If I had wanted to "disrupt" my nmother's life, I would not have been discrete and probably would have found her much sooner. If I wanted to "disrupt" my nmother's life, I would contact her husband, siblings etc. I have chosen not to do this. She has provided me with needed information (my birth story etc). She does not have to provide me with a relationship. I was also cautious in making contact with my nfather. He and I have chosen to build a relationship. Did I disrupt anyones lives? No. I sought answers that were needed. The truth cannot be considered a disruption.

punxy_girl

Who says they are?

Thumbs down? I was asking Heather who had said this? Or are you just targeting me because I am an adoptive parent? On the black list? Don't even bother to read what I write?

sarahhhhhhh

I can kind of relate to this question abit.

My birth mother was not aware of me finding her and obviously it came as a massive shock! My half siblings still dont want to meet me and my birth mothers husband is apprently jelouse of me!! I guess adoptees finding birth familys can cause disruption, as people seem to forget that some birth mothers just move on with their lives and have a family. I am not saying all do though.

My birth mother has her own kids and hubby, and a settled life, although she did admit that she was expecting me to find her one day. Thats why i have a problem with adoptees just expecting a relationship to happen with birth parents.
At the end of the day, unfortunatly, the adoptee is not part of the birth parents family. The adoptee has their own family with the adoptive parents.

Sounds harsh but in most cases its true.

Kacie

I think every person has a stereo-type or tries to stigmatize some population in the community. I in no way think that adoptees are comitting a crime by searching for their birth families. It's a need to know where you came from and to possibly have a relationship with the birth family. In my own experiences most adoptess just want to thank the birth family for being so selfless and giving the adoptees a life they may have not had if adoption was not an option. It can be a difficult thing to endure (searching for birth families), but a higher power is working for us here. It will happen as it is meant to.

littleJaina

I think it totally depends on the method the adoptee is using to search. If he/she is using legally available information, and is discreet about his/her inquiries, and is willing to go away if the subject of the search does say "no", then that's fine.

However, I think that if they are trying to circumvent the law by asking the law to strip away privacy that the other party wanted, then that is being disruptive. They also should remember that even if they found the information in a legal way, the reunion they hope for may be openning painful doors the other party wanted closed. Initial contact should be carefully worded and discreet. That means no showing up unannounced on Thanksgiving to an address that a private investigator was able to obtain by bribing someone in the courthouse records department. I don't think things like that often happen, but that is what people fear.

School Nurse

It is a Catch 22. You have a need to know but the birth mother has a right to privacy, too. I don't know the percentages but if the one stated above is correct--98% of birth mothers want a reunion, the other 2% must have their privacy protected. You wouldn't want someone snooping in your medical records (or you bank account, or your personel files--things you want kept private) would you? And you wouldn't want someone disrupting your life to fulfill their personal needs because of the damage it could do to your life. I think adoptees should be able to get their medical histories, hands down, but I don't think an adoptee has a right to take away someone else's rights to get it. That 2% doesn't want their lives disrupted and want their privacy respected. We have to respect other people's rights. They have tried to get on with their lives and may not have told of the early pregnancy to their spouse or kids. It would be very traumatizing to the birth mother for a life long carefully guarded secret to be told by a stranger, abeit a biological adopted child.
I don't think adoptees SEEK to disrupt another's life. But I think the intense need to know sometimes blinds them to the birth mother's rights.

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