Are adoptees supposed to live in an alternate universe?

kateiskate

I'm actually an international adoptee, so I think I will speak for myself. Thanks to all the people on Y!A who are on the outside looking in at us who think they know what its really like to be an IA and a transracial adoptee for voicing my opinion for me....

I feel as though a lot of my life has been lived in an alternate universe. I was born to have a life in Korea, a life in which I would speak Korean, eat Korean food, know Korean people, be a Korean citizen, and have a Korean family. Instead I have lived a messy (but mostly happy) life as a person who identifies most with White Americans, doesn't look like anyone or fit in, where I am not in sync with who nature meant for me to be. How strange is it to wake up and realize how sad it is that what should be your native tongue is so foreign and difficult for you to understand? That's not to say that I am bitter and had a bad childhood, because I am not bitter, and I did not have a bad childhood, but it's to say that adoption in itself, especially to me international adoption, IS a lot like living in an alternate universe. It's a place you live where you are someone other than who you might have turned out to be if you had been in Korea raised by your first parents.

It's really difficult for me to say what type of person I might have been had I been raised by my Korean parents because I think my experience as an adoptee has colored me too much to say that I would have been as passionate, hot tempered, or strong willed if I had not had as much adversity going against me. I do often think about it as if there are two of me, who I'm supposed to be, and who I ended up as because of adoption.

I denied myself the fact that I had pain for a long time. And I really believe that a lot of the APs and people who step forward as people who are "related to" or "know a friend of a friend" who's adopted internationally aren't really privy to a lot of our deepest feelings about it and are not really as well equipped to talk about it as we are. If my adoptive mom was on this site I think her answers would be similar to some of the people who say that IA hasn't affected their kids. Why would she say that when I am so obviously in tune with how it affected me? Because I choose not to share a lot of that with her because I have lived a lifetime of not wanting to seem ungrateful to her and am not ready to share some of the darker sides of what it has done to me with her.

cantstopLinnyG

I was. I have very good balance, though. I lived in my adoptive universe with one foot hidden in my "natural" universe.

When the mini-series "Roots" came on TV when I was in grade school, we had to do a family tree.

My a Mom called her cousin, who is her family's historian. He brought over boxes of documents and pictures. It was a very surreal night for me, as I saw my a Mom's eyes well up with pride, seeing her family's immigration papers, pictures of them on Ellis Island, baptismal certificates from churches in Italy, and a "tree" that went centuries deep.

I remember cousin Dante saying, "And this was your great, great, grandmother....your Mom looks just like her." I was jealous of my Mom for having that. I had nothing. No history, other than the one which was assigned to me the day my adoption was final.

That was the first time I ever called the county registrar to get my original birth certificate. I was 11. Of course, I was told no.

That night, and "Roots" awakened something in me. I so badly wanted to know MY family's history. While I love my a family (I even bought my family a brick on Ellis Island) I wanted to know my own genetic history. For me, it is a need, no different than the need for air. Its part of me, part of my story, and it is just as real as my adoptive family's story.

My cousin Dante asked me if I was worried I would hurt my mom and dad when I searched. I told him it was BECAUSE I had a great family that I need to search. That it would be hypocritical of me to NOT want to know my natural family, when I take so much pride in my adoptive family.

So yes. we are sometimes made to feel like we live in another universe, but I choose to live in both. To do anything else would be a lie.

EmilyLady

I don't know, but I do think adoptees have every right to want, grieve, wonder, and explore.

Lillie

Yes we are supposed to live in this alternate universe. We better not ever dare speak out about it, or somebody might "put us out on full blast" or some other nonsensical sort of veiled threat.

Me, I've lived long enough to know that living in Gratefuland only gets you so far in life and that usually ends up with a trip to the doctor for a prescription for heavy antidepressants and a standing appointment at the therapist.

I'd love for a non-adopted person to try it, they wouldn't last a day.

Robin

You can graft a peach branch to an apple tree, but it will still only produce peaches...not apples. No matter how hard we try...we can't grow apples. No matter how hard our "tree" may want us to.

If we aren't supposed to be interested in our history, heritage, medical background, etc., why are ANY human beings interested in the study of history, archaeology, genealogy, biology, sociology, etc. It's part of our human nature to be interested in our past, our traditions, our culture.

Why can't people just embrace our peaches, be glad we joined the tree and let us be what we are?

IDK!!

None of those things are expected of my child, and I doubt this is expected of the children of many of the APs here. BUT if it were expected of them, then YEAH it's too much and wrong.

Randy B

Since you are using a science fiction analogy I wouldn't say alternate reality but I would say a parallel reality.

mr. domestic

It is horrible that you felt this way growing up. I am a foster parent and we just adopted our little girl last week. I would expect her to have all of those feelings, wonders and sadness. We knew that going into the adoption. We plan on being honest about her past and helping in any way possible to find her birth parents when she wants to. i have nothing to fear. I tried to get her old birth cert. but was not allowed. i did however make sure I wrote down her parents names. :) So one day we will be on a mission, her mission to find out her history and see where she came from. I would hope other Adoptive parents would understand that it is natural for every child to want to know their parents and their history.
We are now the proud parents of a little angel. we adopted her to fill in the missing pieces of her life. Not ours.
We know it's not going to always be easy. But we will be there for her always no matter what she wants to do

Mei-Ling

Nope.

faith

being an adoptee, i can gladly say i feel more loved than a child in a natural family. me and my dad have talked about it a lot. i call my mom, mom. and i call my dad, dad. i even call my brother, brother. there isnt much difference. just a little more curiosity about your life.

icehockeymom7

Who in the heck told you that you are not supposed to be interested in your histories? Who told you that you are supposed to pretend your ethnicity doesn't matter? As an adoptive mom to an Asian child, I can tell you that I do NOT expect her to deny her ethnicity, I do NOT expect her to be disinterested in her history or her birthfamily. I do NOT expect her to worry about hurting my feelings. If you had crappy AP's I'm very sorry. But we are not all like that. And we do not all expect any of those things you have listed. I do know that things are much different now in international adoption. When my sister was adopted from Korea in the 70's, parents were told to not talk about the adoption, to give their children very "American-sounding" names, to try their best to just have this child blend completely and not feel any different. Well now we know that is totally stupid and not at all healthy for the adopted child. How can you expect an Asian person in a white household to not notice they are Asian? I mean, seriously. I think it's terribly sad the way things were handled in the past, I think it caused so much pain for adoptees. But things have changed. AP's are much more educated about how to be good parents to their adopted children, that acknowledging and respecting their differences is a healthy thing, that ignoring their differences and trying to erase their history is absolutely wrong. No one is expecting you to have an alternate universe.

Micky

Ahh you that sounds sad. There is some reason you were given up for adoption and usually the reason is the woman having you wasn't able to take care of you the way you should be. It was really a loving thing and it probably is destroying her as much as you.
You are allowed to find your real mother now. There are agencies that can contact her and see if she wants to see you. You just have to be prepared for the answer. Most times the answer is yes. The woman who gave you away 'hopefully' is a new person now, full of regrets. Try and find her.
Don't blame the people who wanted a child. Every parent, an adoptive one or not, and child get into arguments and disagreements and all that.
Try to find your Mom.
And live in this universe. That's where the rest of us are. We all have something, some times its visable some times its not, but we all carry some burden.

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