Are birthmothers "abandoners" or "saints"?

snowwillow20

We are just people.

lbear

I had to give up my child for adoption. I was 18 when i had her trying to finish high school. I had got kicked out of my house and was raped twice. I had decided that instead of aborting her i would give her up for adoption. Since i couldn't afford her and i was going to school, my mom was going to college, and my dad was working full time. I wouldn't say i was a saint hell i'm far from that. But i was stuck between and rock and a hard place and i felt as if i had no other option. do i regret giving her up for adoption very much so I think about it a lot and I wish I wouldn't of had to. I also look back and think that the adoption fee her adoptive parents had to pay through luthern social servives and that was totally wrong ($10,000.00). I didn't see a dime for giving her up and would of never wanted any money for giving her up for adoption and if someone is adopting their kids for money THAT'S VERY VERY WRONG and people should put a stop to it. I wish i would of looked up and did some research before i gave her up and found a place where there was a less expensive adoption fee for the people who are adopting the kid. But she is now 6 years old and she has a good life with two parents good parents who don't smoke, do drugs, or drink and who love her very much so i'm happy about that.

Also i had found from experence that having an open adoption does not mean that the adoptive parents will talk to you or let you see the child after you sign your rights away cause then it's up to them if they want to keep that end of the bargain. I haven't heard from ava's adoptive family for two years they won't respond to my emails or anything and i only seen her twice.

NY_mom

I let my son become adopted my family members 6 years ago. Not because I didnt love him, or didn't want him. I allowed my son to be adopted because I did not have a job and was staying with friends at the time. Do I wish I still had my son... YES!!! Do I regret the decision I made to let him live with people who love him as much as I do and could provide him a home and things he needed.... NO. Every situation is different. Please remember that we are all only human, no ones perfect.

Jennifer L

I don't think you can categorize women who have place a child for adoption, anymore than you can categorize any other group. I'd also like to add that some people thin that "birthmothers" have all been victims of coercion, even if they don't realize it.

That's not a fair assessment either.

life is like the ocean

I believe that natural mothers are told they are saints to serve the purpose of her placing her baby. She will hear what a wonderful thing she is doing for a couple that can't have their own. How it is a selfless act on her part. The problem is, once she signs away her rights, these same mothers are considered abandoners by the very people that called her a saint.

AdoreHim

1- put yourself in the shoes of a young women, who gets pregnant, knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that they could not raise their child, and only wants what is best for him and her. would it be more selfless to abort the child, and then think she could go on with her life?

2- a birth mother doe snot abandon her child- I feel that abandoning a child is walking into an abortion clinic, and walking out a few hours later, childless.

3- if a birth mother changes her mind and it is a legitimate change of heart- it would be hard on the adoptive couple, but it happens, that is the chance that adoptive parents take. However, there have been birth moms that have scammed couples, and they should be held accountable- and yes, it can be hard on the adoptive parents. Why do you think it shouldn't be?

4- A weak woman who does not love enough? Sacrificing by placing their child for adoption- is the greatest form of love for the child. Abortion is taking the child's life, and the child is sacrificed on the altar of convenience.

5- there is so adoption scam agencies out there without a doubt, but please do not put all of them together-

6- my question is why do people resent the adoptive couples for wanting to parent and then at the same time encourage the woman that cannot raise the child to either parent or abort.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND

Cambria

Neither. Bio-moms are generally average people who were in a tough situation and made a choice. That is neither abandonment nor sainthood.

Of course there can be exceptions to everything. There are situations where some women truly did abandon their children. There may possibly be some situation where the woman actually may qualify as a saint.

But in general, they are average people who made a difficult decision. I think to either demonize or idolize them is to diminish their humanity and the reality of the situation.

Sly

I suppose that like all people we are a bit of both, on most days. However, there is one thing that we almost all share in common, and it is an option that you don't have up there, and didn't touch on. Almost all of us were desperate women, up against a wall, and rather than offer assistance to get over the hurdle we faced the only assistance offered was to take our babies off our hand. In order to take a woman's baby you have to break her to the point where she believes that she is not an asset and her child will be better off without her. You cannot do it otherwise. So, the fine line that the industry walks is trying to break women enough so that they surrender (and I mean that in the most literal sense) but leave them enough of themselves intact that they don't actually die from the grief, they just wish they could. Leave them enough chutzpah to again be productive citizens and contribute to the GNP.

Shelly P. Tofu, E.M.T.

Neither.

They are mostly women who found themselves in a tough situation, and probably felt like they were between a rock and a hard place.. in a no-win situation, so they made a choice. A tough choice. One they probably THOUGHT at the time was the best choice, but in retrospect, many might think differently. Some don't.

Many were forced or coerced into giving up their child, which was wrong.

There will always be children who need homes. THere will always be women who.. FREE from ALL coercion, decide not to parent at that point in their life. To take away that option would be wrong. So, as long as their is death, abuse, neglect, drugs, alcohol, women CHOSING not to parent, there will be children who need homes, and adoption will always exist.. Live with it.

To deal with some of your other points

1. Birthmothers are only scammers if they purposely lie and fraud a couple into believing they will give them a child, in exchange for other favors (money, housing). A woman who changes her mind is NOT a scammer, she's a mother exercising her rights. Women SHOULD have a right to change their mind within a reasonable period of time.

sunny

I think women who give up children to adoption (as opposed to having them taken away) are either desperate or naive.

Trouble is they don't usually remain that way.

23 year old texas female married

) some believe that "birthmothers" are wonderful, selfless women who made a mature choice to give their child a better life.

1. I believe that adoption is selfish act. Particularly new born adoption. It is wrong to separate a mother and child just so somebody else can parent.*With exception of abusive and neglectful parents.

2) some believe that "birthmothers" are selFISH abandoners.

2. I don't think "Birth" mothers are selfish abandoners. I do think they are misled and mistreated and not fully educated about the process.

1a. if an adoption is overturned, some believe the "birthmother" is a scammer, and caused the adoptive parents the same pain as a child's death.

1a. No the "birth" mother is not a scammer if she overturns an adoption it means she realized early that she was tricked into placing her baby.

2a. some believe that if a "birthmother" really wanted her child, she should fight with everything in her to keep an adoption from occurring; and a successful adoption is an indication of a "weak woman" who didn't love enough.

2a. A successful adoption does not indicate a "weak woman" just one that thought she was doing the right thing placing her baby in a more stable environment. She wants the best for her child just like any Real Mother wants for her Baby.

3a. adoption is an industry that relies on babies being placed by their mother to others who either can not or choose not to become pregnant.

3a. This is completely correct. People that can't conceive also like to make a pregnant woman feel bad for them and their desire to have a baby. IE I want to adopt the baby you are carrying.

3b. if all mothers kept their babies and did not "abandon" them, then couples who either can not, or choose not to become pregnant can't adopt babies.

This would not be correct. As there will be abusive parents that children get taken away, parents that die while the baby was at home or in the back seat. While I am sure family would be looked at first if family didn't have the means or didn't want the responsibility of the baby it would go into foster care and eventually adopted (which it would most likely be a child at the time of the adoption)

so, which is it?

3a. adoption is an industry that relies on babies being placed by their mother to others who either can not or choose not to become pregnant.

michyme

I think it depends on why and what the situation is. You really just can't lump all adoptions together. Their are some moms that put them up for adoption just because, they don't want the responsibility and so forth. That could be considered abandonment. Then other moms love their child very much and do it because, they feel it is best for their child and they want them to have a good life. I don't see that as abandonment in any way.

Dianna

Cam

My daughter was placed in our home by her "birthmother". I do not consider this abandonment and neither does she. So I guess that makes her a saint.

NotSureNow

By definition they would be much closer to abandoners than saints but really neither term is true.

I can't see why getting pregnant, not wanting the child and giving it up is saintly. But I don't think most mothers that don't want their child are going to abandon it either.

Sophie

1 and 2 can be true. It depends on the mother and the situation. Is she giveing her baby up for unselfish reasons, or were her children taken away from her for neglect or abuse?

1a. If she scammed the adoptive parents, she scammed the adoptive parents. Do you expect people to assume that no biological mother has ever scammed anyone?

2a. I agree with that statement up until the "weak" part. I am entitled to my opinion.

3a. I don't even get what you are trying to say here.

3b. There will always be mothers who can't parent their children. Nature sees to that.

So which is it? Adoption is not that cut and dry. Like its been said all over the place here, why can't the child have and love both sets of parents? There are too many pieces of the adoption puzzle.

If you don't like that term you could have used another one. You just want to stir the pot.

happymomof2

If the pregnancy is unexpected and the birthmother chose adoption over abortion, that it's an act of love. She chose to let her baby live regardless of the inconvenience to herself. Anytime a birthmother knows that she may not love her child like it deserves (rape or some other reason) then adoption is an act of love. If she chooses adoption because she doesn't have the money to provide well, but has love for the baby-I don't think it's a good choice. At least in this country, there are too many programs in place to help her go back to school and financially help her become independant and take care of the child. Otherwise, anytime adoption is chosen in the best interest of the child it is an act of love.

Bradley

The love a parental figure has for a child has nothing to do with genetics. Genetics is such a minuscule thing when compared to the loving bonds shared between parental figure and child. Therefore, there is no reason for "birthparents" to become parental figures if they allow another set of people to be parental figures (so they are neither abandoners nor saints).

Also, to steal a child from their parental figures, even if the person taking the child is a "birthparent", is very cruel and selfish to everyone.

emii-xoxo

If i had an unexpected pregnancy and was unable to keep the child i know i would give it up for adoption so the child could have a good life. I don't believe in abortion at all and if giving your baby up for adoption is what you have to do to give it what it deserves as a person then that's totally fine. There is nothing wrong with adoption at all in my opinion.

Birthers are NOT mothers

My personal opinions are 2)selfish abandoners. 2a) weak woman who should have loved the child enough to fight to the death and 3b)if they didn't abandon their children there would not be the commodity for adopters. You summed up my thoughts very well!

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