Are lies appropriate in adoption?

Romany

- Outright lies are wrong.
- Withholding information in response to a direct question is wrong.
- Withholding material information is wrong even if the question was not asked. Best example is NOT telling your child that they were adopted, ever.

Where does politeness come into play?

Should I report to my adoptive parents that I have found my birth family even though the news would get them upset? Yes - this is material information.

Should I tell my adoptive parents about every scrap of information I find about my birth family, if they told me they don't want to know? No.

Should I tell my adoptive parents about every conversation I've had with my birth family, if they start laying on guilt trips? No.

Should an adoptive parent tell their child the Truth about the birth parents - mental illness, incarceration, history of abuse and neglect? Yes - it's material information. But at what age is it appropriate?

How much is withholding the truth, how much is protecting the other party and how much can be perceived as "too much information"?

The answer (to tell, to withhold - never to falsify) should depend on the maturity of the listener and the materiality of the information - not the position in the triad.

magic pointe shoes

Well, unicorn farts aside of nobody should feel the need to outright lie or lie by omission...

This is one ugly mess of a question to answer, and I know you phrased it to get straight to the point get to the answer clear cut definition line.

I think it's a fine line that needs to be determined by the individuals involved. Do I think a preschooler needs to know their father is a rapist? No. I think a lie by omission of full details is in order here.

Do I think that an adopted person who has emotionally charged parents for whatever reason needs to continually poke at their hurt by stating all the reunion activities they are participating in, especially when the person hearing the news does not take it well? No. I think a lie by omission is again okay in this case.

Now if you were to ask about lies of omission as to who someone's parents were, I'd get all riled up.

Interpersonal relationships are difficult as it is, sometimes lies by omission are necessary. And sometimes they make the situation worse.

Sly

It is my belief that lying is never, ever, ever right or even polite. The little white social lies are still lies. In the long run, the truth, which will always out, is easier and less difficult to maintain. There is NEVER a good reason to tell a lie, in my opinion. Successful relationships of all kinds are built on trust, and when a lie is found out, the trust is destroyed, and rebuilding is a lot harder than building. And, once trust is destroyed, it never is given as easily to anyone ever again.

The problem is that adoption is predicated on lies. If the legalized lies are removed from the equation, there will be no adoption except the 2% of babies that are truly not wanted. That wouldn't do for the increasing number of infertile couples worldwide. The entire process is a lie. To remove the lies removes the process.

Sandy Young
senior mother
SMAAC

Gaia Raain

I think that all of the adults involved in adoption (adoptive parents, first parents, social workers, etc.) have an obligation to be 100% honest. The child (and future adult) adoptee I would say doesn't so much have that same obligation, simply because I can see how difficult it would be to be worried about everyone else's hurt feelings (especially if the adults didn't take care of their own responsibilities and decided to be dishonest). But I certainly think that the adults can lead by example, not getting their feelings hurt, and being completely transparent, answering any and all questions as they are asked, bringing up the topic at age-appropriate times, making sure there is no secrecy involved, and that the child has access to anything and everything they want any time they want it (even if they're afraid to ask...which means, don't lock the friggin' papers in the safe - make copies that the child can have).

I think honesty is always, always best. But I also don't think it's really appropriate to give the adoptee this responsibility. I think the responsibility of open-ness, honesty, and allowing feelings is entirely on the adults involved. If we're honest and don't lay guilt trips, the adoptees will be more likely to understand that they can speak freely. But they also should have the right to autonomy, and should be afforded the right to associate freely with whomever they choose, without having to report back to the people who raised them or created them.

Come to think of it, I think this is pretty much the same in biologically related families, too. When you take on the responsibility of raising a child, it's your job to make sure you do right by them. Not THEIR job to make sure they do right by YOU. If you do everything in your power to do right by that child, they're a lot more likely to want to return the favor. But we must all keep in mind - they didn't ask for this. They are their own people, and they should have the right to do whatever they please with their own minds, hearts, and bodies. It's not their job to please us.

sunny

What's wrong with a little privacy?

My mothers (bio or adoptive) do not need to know everything about my relationships (or any other aspect of my life for that matter) with other adults.

My life. My business.

PhilM

In general, lying is wrong.

But consider a case unrelated to adoption. Should a wife lie to her husband? No. But what if telling her husband something will (as she knows from past experience) to physical abuse? Then, I suspect, we don't think lying to him would be wrong. (Imagine she has to lie, for instance, to get out of the abusive situation.)

So in general, it's not okay for parents to lie to children, nor children to lie to parents. But of course there are situations where it may be appropriate (because of the nature of the relationship) for a lie to be told or the truth withheld. I cannot think of a situation where I would think it's okay for parents to lie to their children about their origins. However, depending on the nature of the relationship that has developed over the years, I can conceive of situations where it may be acceptable for children to lie to their parents about other relationships that have developed.

(I have, for instance, lied to my parents about non-adoption related issues in order to protect their feelings or to keep the peace in the house.)

ETA: I also think the definitions of "lying" that some are using are problematic. A therapist, for instance, cannot reveal what she learns in a session with a client to anyone, including her spouse. If her husband asks her if someone is a client, she is not permitted to answer the question. She must withhold information. Is that lying? If it is, then lying is clearly not wrong in every case. If it is not lying, then we need a clearer account of what lying is.

While telling the truth is, in general, an ideal to aspire to, it is often more complicated than this. (Should parents not tell their children about Santa Claus? By all accounts, that's a lie. And yet few people are willing to say it's wrong.) This problem is not limited to adoption (though there are particular nasty issues when adoption is considered).

Felicita1

I think that if you are looking at situations of abuse, then the whole issue gets murky.

We can all agree that it is morally wrong to lie, but what about a "sin of omission" when you know that if you say something to someone, they will emotionally abuse you?

This was the situation for my son. His former adoptive parents wholeheartedly supported the idea of search and reunion -- but *their* definition of reunion was a one-time meeting to exchange information. Once it was clear that my son wanted ongoing contact with us, they hit the roof. Constant yelling at him that they were his "only" family, that he had to be loyal to them, that to have any ongoing contact with us was wrong, and that he was no good. Slamming doors, blackmail, emotional abuse. Culminating in them telling him that they wished they had never adopted him (he was 22 at the time). Every day for months, telling him that he "caused" the a-mom to have a stroke.

So, for a long while he didn't tell them about our meetings. Didn't tell them about the presents he sent or received. Didn't tell them who he was visiting. Yes, it was a lie, but the abuse he faced otherwise was an even worse moral violation.

Not Adopted

To try to organize my thoughts, I broke my response into the following:

(1) Lying
(2) Sharing or refusal to share
(3) "Best practice" / to answer your question of how should adoption be practiced.

(1) Lying

I see outright lying as a deliberate attempt to mislead (at a minimum) or to cause harm (at a maximum). The liar is typically using the lie to gain something: power, control, pity, etc.

This is immoral in all situations and would be extremely harmful to all relationships surrounding the adoptee, bio-family, and adoptive family.

(2) Sharing or refusal to share:

Some people consider "lies of omission" to be the same as an outright lie. I don't agree with this, I think we sometimes choose not to "share" everything, which I don't see as a lie. We aren't obligated to share everything with everyone, we all need to keep some things close to the chest and choose very carefully who is privy to certain information.

Adoptees are not obligated to share everything about their reunion, bio-family, or their adoptive family if they feel uncomfortable or if they think it will be harmful to themselves or others. It's a judgment call made by the adult adoptee. Same is true in reverse, the parents do not have to share all with the adoptee depending on their own best judgment. It would be nice if we could share all without fear of judgment or reprisal, but that is not always the case.

I see the ability to share as an issue of trust and comfort in the relationship.

(3) Best practice

As for "best practice" I see the ideal as:

-NO lying; work to build trust among all the parties involved in adoption

-Increased trust will reduce the need for "omission" or refusing to share / helping everyone to be more open

-End result is open and honest relationships and better integration of the "triad" members into each others' lives.

The way adoption is currently practiced makes my "best practice" scenario difficult to achive, and causes many to resort to refusal to share and outright lying.

Independ"ant"

Is it appropriate, moral or ethical for Aps to burden the adoptees with their personal baggage so that the adoptee feels they cannot be completely open with them.

When the adoptees are adults they can do and say whatever they want.

Its up to the Aparent to make it clear as well as comfortable for the adoptee to talk about any issues without having to worry about their personal baggage. If its not accomplished then the Aps have nobody to blame but themselves.

I feel the same way with natural parents.

HooKooDooKu

It's never morally or ethically right to LIE. (Polite is a different matter).

And since adoption is a part of a legal process, lying in a part of this process could be considered legal fraud.

Mei-Ling

"This question about how adoption SHOULD be practiced, not how it necessarily IS practiced."

Then there would be no need.

It's a moot point.

If adoption was practiced the way it SHOULD be practiced.... this entire question would be pointless. Unless of course, as another user pointed out, I would hold off the information about illegitimate births until the child is about five years old and will be able to emotionally handle that.

And no, I wouldn't word it as "your bio father raped your bio mother and left you two on your own." God no.

I'd be more likely to say "Your father was a very sick person and would not have taken care of you properly, so your mother stayed with you."

Julie R

I don't think I could put it better than Gaia Raain did.

BOTZ

If someone (anyone) asks me "how's your health?" and I say, "fine" rather than explaining about the thrombosed hemorrhoid I had excised last week, am I lying?

If someone asks, "how's your hubby?" and I say, "he's good" when that's usually true but he had a bad day today, am I lying?

This question is such a problem for me (well, what I do is not a problem...just answering this question is) because I have every right to lie if I choose to, and I have not SWORN UNDER OATH to tell the truth -- I take promises, including oaths, VERY seriously.

And, in case you're wondering, I had the BEST possible example of how to be a creative (if not very convincing) liar in my adoptive mother. She can torture the truth until it is a quivering puddle of jelly on the ground and not even SHE can remember what parts of her 'story' are fictional and which are factual.

I have no problem with liars. I do it. I have a healthy respect for anyone who can make me believe a lie because I'm a pretty hard cynic and I am suspicious of everyone and everything (thanks again, mom) so if someone "pulls one over" on me, I say, "Touche" (or however you spell it).

I also agree with the more morally-driven (than me) people here who still feel that there is no 'obligation' to share everything, just because one has been asked a direct question. I'm not one to hold back on the "none of your business"es or "why do you want to know"s, though...so I suppose that would be honest enough.

I may be "a red brick in a white wall" but I'm -- at LONG last -- comfortable with who I am and how I live.

This is an interesting question. Take care!

Mom to Foster Children

Lies shouldn't hold a place in any family - whether adoption is a part of the family or not. I could see how a child would "lie" to the aparents to keep them from feeling pain because of the child looking for his/her past...but if the relationship is strong enough I would hope that the aparents would fully support / help the child / young adult find his/her roots. We do not "lie" to our child - we tell him what we know given age appropriate language.

34 weeks with Evan Alexanderâ™¥

I don't think lying helps anything, especially because I lied to my adopted parents about my relationship with my biological grandparents. HELL ensued. I'm still stressing over it.

myst1998

Um, thing is, adoption is one big lie. Why else would there need to be two birth certificates?? And the fact it is even legal is staggering. Lying is never morally right or right in any context.... but when you have a whole situation based on one big fat lie then the normal 'rules' no longer apply.

Rowan

lies should have no place in adoption. Honesty is always best , because in the long run, lies always come back to bite you. They cause unnecessary pain and confusion.

Gershom

Lies are never appropriate.

celtic.piskie

It's hard to say.

Every situation is so unique.

There was a story here a few days ago, about a girl who was adopted because her mother killed her brother. Abandoned him, didn't see him for weeks.

When do you tell her the details?

She has a right to know, but i couldn;t tell a 5 year old that her brother died in agony, dehydrated and starving.

What about situations where the mother/father threatens to kill the child?

In principle, everyone should be honest. But that's never going to happen.

People lie more than they tell the truth, and they only tell it when it's convenient.
Morality is not an absolute, it always depends on the scope of what you're seeing and doing.

Lying is wrong, but not telling a child that her mother died, and leaving the fact that she tried to kill her to, well that's different.

Morality is always subjective, and so difficult.

cmc

I don't think any lies are appropriate. The only thing I can see is not telling a child-adoptee everything you might know about their bio family if it is very negative. But over time I think you should share any important information, or answer questions more directly if asked.

In our case there is nothing negative about my daughter's mom. The only negative I know about her father is that her skipped out when he found out about the pregnancy. So I don't plan on any lies. However if the child were the result of rape or incest I would probably not share that information with a young child. I'm really not sure how or when I would share it, but it is something I would put a lot of thought into.

Kaycee

There is no place for lying in adoption.

Zeena

Lies shouldn't exist period.

Annabelle

Across the board unacceptable

The only thing I struggle with is telling a child who was conceived during rape. I would probably lie therefore making me a big hipocrit

AdoreHim

It is never appropriate to lie or morally right to lie at all, and there should be no different standards for those adopted or those not adopted.

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