Are parents interchangable?

julie j

Hi Sunny,

No, I do not believe parents are interchangeable. I got some interesting answers when I asked a similar question about mothers a couple of months ago:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Avr9g3R.e7C.fg2PQEvcvPAjzKIX;_ylv=3?qid=20081012002950AAEhO4k

I concluded that in extreme cases of necessity, substitute care may be provided for the mother's (and father's) roles. Even then it will not be the same & it will not be without effects on the child because people themselves are never interchangeable.

It's almost unfathomable how some people think they can pull a "bait & switch" on the baby and he/she will never notice or care, not now and not ever in the future. Some who believe this are simply ignorant of the adoptee experience. I think those with vested interests in the adoption industry and some (not all) AP's persist in believing this because they have much riding on hanging onto this false assumption. They also fail to grasp the extent of loss incurred by the adoptee.

They are probably the same people who believe birth certificates are interchangeable. Thanks for asking another great question.

julie j
reunited adoptee

PhilM

No. My (adoptive) parents are irreplaceable. And so were my original parents.

kateiskate

No. I don't believe that to be true. My first parents can never not be my parents because they brought me into existence. My adoptive parents will always also be my parents because they raised me.

To me it's kind of the same as when your parents divorce and remarry and you find out you can have a good relationship with your stepparents. One set of parents doesnt diminish the significance of the other. You can love your stepmom and your mom both.

Freckle Face

Dear Sunny,

No parents are not interchangeable.

fireflykissess

Well i am adopted and i only know my adoptive mom and dad as my mom and dad i don't look at them as second parents and i don't look at them as some thing that i could ever replace.

my parents traveled from Maine to Honduras twice once to see me and the other time to bring me home. I love my parents and i love my birth mom for giving me a chance to have an amazing life.

tish_part deux

no. babies are not shelter cats that forget the previous owner...

ms. corn dog..."It's one thing to squeeze a baby out your birth canal.
It's another to be up all night with a colicky baby, or waiting up terrified for your teenager to come home safely when she takes the car out by herself the first time."

--i've done all three, NEITHER is less important than the other. your turn.

rachael

parents are not socks, you cant change them up when the time is right.

i agree with you that some do have this mentality, and that is why adoption processes are still so barbaric.
until people get through their heads that adoption is about the child, we will never be able to move ahead and achieve the changes that are so desperately needed.

SJM

No, they're not.

I spent 9 months with my mother. I spent almost 6 months with a foster family who fed me, burped me, changed my diaper, and undoubtedly lost sleep with me. Then I was adopted.

I'm bonded with my adoptive parents because they are the only family I knew growing up. We have a history together. And, of course, I love them. But the harsh reality is, my relationship with them was the luck of the draw. If I'd been adopted by another couple, I would feel that way about them.

I think of my foster parents almost never. While I'm sure they did a fine job changing my pants, their contribution to my life means very little to me. Almost nothing, actually. They got paid to do it. Since they were employed by the adoption agency, I'm sure my adoptive parents paid for their services. They did it for several newborns. They had four children of their own, and being temporary foster parents allowed her to be a stay-at-home mom. I remember none of it.

On the other hand, the 9 months I spent with my mother was of an entirely different nature. It was short in duration, and I have no conscious memory of it, of course. But that relationship was my foundation. All the relationships throughout my life are built upon that single, indispensable relationship. Unfortunately, it wasn't valued by stodgy old men who stood to profit from its loss.

Opedial

No they are not interchangeable. The more placements a foster child has for a substitution family the more likley they are to develop issues with bonding and attachment.

I don't believe that adoptive parents can replace exactly the first parents, but at this point I don't believe I am replaceable either.

I think we must recognize the differences, which is okay...different is not bad in all cases. In some yes, but not in all.

myst1998

Of course not... unless you are a PAP or pro adoption and then they believe so or they wouldn't adopt!

kitta

Not interchangeable, not replaceable.

monkeykitty83

Parents, as people, as unique human beings, are completely irreplaceable.

However, another person can fill a parenting role if need be, whether via adoption, step-parenthood, guardianship, fostering, or a kinship placement.

It's not the same as having the original parent, and when possible, the original parent should fill the role. It doesn't mean that someone else parenting has no consequences. But from a social perspective as opposed to a biological perspective, someone can step in and raise a child. It's not identical or a perfect replacement. It doesn't mean the person filling the role is interchangeable with the original parent. It's just that children don't cease to be parented at all if the original parents can't or don't care for them, and someone else provides care instead.

More than one person can fill a parenting role, even though the parents are not interchangeable as unique human beings, and make different contributions to the child's life.

Laurel J

No, they aren't.

And let's face it--that idea is not what drives adoption. The myth that drives adoption is the one that says _children_ are interchangeable, that a stranger's child can "replace" the one APs didn't have themselves and that the child, if adopted early enough, will do just fine.

DevonChaos

I don't think first parents are. After that, I guess its whoever holds the money/comes up next on the list.

gibberish

Oh my no!!!! One could never exchange my real parents my adoptive parents. Never in a million years. I suppose you could say they were exchanged.

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