Are there any foster carers that can give me some advice please?

mscrawdad

My children were 5 and 7 when we took in two foster children. We did discuss it with them first. We didn't ask their permission, but explained why we wanted to do it and asked if they thought it was a good idea. We were very up front with them and explained that taking in more children would effect them in a lot of ways. Because money would be tighter, they would have to do without some of the things they were used to. But we also explained that they were very lucky because they had big Christmases and trips to Disneyland, etc. and the kids we were going to bring home didn't have that right now. We also explained to them that the kids we were bringing home might have special problems or behave in a manner they would consider as being "bad", but we would have to handle their behavior a little differently until they got used to our rules. So basically, we told them they were going to have some kids living with them that weren't used to anything or anyone in our home, that might really disrupt their lives, and would be getting away with behaviors they could not get away with.

You would be surprised how empathetic and compassionate children can be. They were ready to go pick them up. They ran in their room and started picking out some of their favorite toys to share and wanted to draw Welcome signs and color pictures for the walls of the bedroom for them. They wanted to pick menus for dinner because they knew what kids like to eat, etc.

After having the two girls for a few months and it was very difficult on all of us, I promise, my 7 yr old came and sat by me on the couch one evening and said, "Momma, those girls aren't really bad. They just miss their Momma's. I would be mean too, if I couldn't live with you." I don't think anything before or since has ever impressed me more or made me prouder of my son.

So, my point is, yes, it does disrupt your family, but so would you having another child of your own, and what if that child were disabled? Then your home and family would be disrupted even more. So, if a 7 yr old has the insight to recognize a damaged soul and learn to deal with it, how could we adults not? It isn't for everyone or every family, but the only way for you to know that is to try. Don't be afraid or ashamed to stop doing it if you can't handle it. There is nothing worse for child of the system to be placed in a home that is simply tolerating their presence, rather than including them in their family with all of the rights, privileges, problems, and dysfunctions that are included! lol! I wish you and your family lots of luck.

celtic.piskie

Have you thought about your children in all of this, or even asked them?

Fostering is incredibly unpredictable, disruptive, and can be quite traumatic to young children, never knowing who's in your house, when they're going etc.

You really do need to discuss this with your children.
My aunt was a foster carer, and my cousins hated it.
They never knew if she could be there for them, or would have to take care of the foster kids.
They'd get very attached to some, and then they'd never see them again.

It's very hard on kids.

Wundt

Our child was a teenager when we started fostering so it wasn't much of an issue. It was nice because she could help out, but she also had the usual teenager attitude (i.e. "stay out of my room").

I think each family is different. Some kids will see this as great and the foster kids as new playmates, some will see the foster kids as a threat. It is up to you to decide if you think your family can handle it. If you are concerned, perhaps waiting a couple of years for your own kids to be a little more independent might be a good idea, only you can decide.

livnlrn

SOME (but not all) children in foster care are dealing with issues that even some adults have never had to deal with. They often don't express their feelings in the best way and can do some unhealthy things to be the center of attention in the family.

You won't know until they are in your family. You can't tell how a child will behave from photos or even from social workers' descriptions as sometimes they will put the best spin on a situation to overcome the challenges of placement.

I would never recommend fostering or adopting a child older than children who are already in the home (be they birth or previously adopted). Your children need to be the oldest in the mix and capable of protecting themselves. Consider their needs. They are young and still in a very formative stage themselves. They need your time and attention.

Imagine the worst situation and then try to filter that through your children's experience.

sam22254

I think that it should be a family decision . But it's also that you are going in to this for the right reasons not for a second income. What bothers me so much about foster care is that after the child reaches 18 and out of high school they are on their own. If you have other foster children in the home they can't come back even if they become homeless. Most of your homeless young people are older foster children. Sad but true

cruzgirlz3

Well, I cannot put it any better than mscrawdad above me. What a great answer.

I find myself asking this question all the time. Is this good for my kids? Is this unfair to them? We found ourselves caring for two relatives quite suddenly with little chance to think it through. At first, I was overwhelmed and resentful at what the "new" kids were taking away from my own kids, and the stress their presence injected into our lives.

BUT...now that some time has passed I can see that this experience is making my own kids less self-centered, more able to deal with conflict, more compassionate, more able to communicate. Really I could go on. I have been extremely proud of them and I have learned so much from watching my own kids deal with this situation. It isn't always easy, but in our kid-centered, me-first culture few kids have the opportunity to really look outside of themselves and think about other people. I see some great things happening from this experience.

I can't tell you how many people have said some truly insensitive things, even suggesting that we should let these children go into a foster home, rather than stay with us....their family!! You just have to ignore those people and follow your own calling. Good Luck!

Nurse Answer Mama

My dad and his wife are fosters. They are both retired. They asked my step brother (11 yo at the time) how he felt about it. He thought it was a great idea, so they went for it. They LOVE being foster parents. It isn't always easy, but they LOVE kids so it works for them.
I do have a question. WHO would be caring for the kids when school is closed (holidays and summers)? My parents have taken in several kids whose former fosters left them in situations where they got into BIG trouble legally because they were unsupervised.
Some of these kids have been severely abused and neglected and need LOTS of attention and time. You need to be sure you have that to give to them and your birth children.

AdoptiveMama

We have a 23 and a 20 month old (both adopted) and we have had any where from 5 month old to 5 years old foster children in our home. It was getting very difficult even for my young ones to deal with the constant disruption...then there was the bad behavior that required much of my time with the foster children and my own kids suffered. We decided to take a break. The last children came to us in February and were gone in March, we have since told our social worker that when our daughter turns 2, we will be able to take in children under a year. Our kids love babies, and a baby (while there may be medical issues) isn't going to have the behavior problems that say a 18 month old and up would have.

I will not take in older children until our kids are much MUCH older...it was not conducive to raising our children.

Hope this helps...

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