Are we crazy or do we need to re-evaluate?

My DH and I want to adopt, however, we want to adopt a toddler. I don't know if we can have kids or not, we don't really care because we knew we would adopt no matter what. We can't adopt internationally because of the price, but we are excited to adopt through foster care or using an agency.

After calling Social Services and agencies, I feel like we are barking up a non-existent tree. People are literally telling me on the phone that they usually don't "get requests to adopt older children" and while the agencies are saying they don't know if they can help us, Social Services is telling us taht so many foster parents in our area are waiting to adopt that our wait would be extensive.

The other Social Service in a bigger city requires 8 weeks of evening courses - on a Wednesday. We both work full time and the class is 3 hours one way - meaning we would have to take off work 1 day per week for 8 weeks to drive 6 hours for a 3 hour class and get back at 1 in the morning to get up and go to work again. *Sigh*

We really, really want to adopt, but it seems unless we spend $20,000 or figure out a way to attend these classes, we are screwed. I am frustrated and looking for someone out there who has some advice or gone through the process of adopting a toddler in the US.

Thank you!

Gaia Raain II

I'm glad you asked this, for personal reasons. Feel free to email me if you'd like to talk.

My husband and I have been approved to adopt in the state of Oregon for more than 2 years. (We also don't have any known fertility problems, and that wasn't the point for us...there are kids who need homes, and we've got one.) We've "almost" been chosen five times (meaning we were on the final list before they narrowed it down to three families going to committee), and we've gone to committee twice. This is pretty normal in some states. In other states, you can get approved and have a placement before the ink is dry. I don't know all the reasons why the state foster/adoption systems vary so much, but I know that they do. I know some folks who have waited years, and they were only interested in adopting OLDER kids (as in 8 years and older).

If it helps, there are many people (myself included) who feel that adopting through foster care is really the only way to ensure that your adoption is ethical. Children in foster care need homes away from their natural families in most cases. Infants don't. The way I look at it, I'm GLAD we've waited this long, because that means that children in foster care in my state aren't languishing for years and years unable to find homes. There are tons of families waiting to parent these kids. And that gives caseworkers a lot of leeway to make sure they are choosing the best possible family for each child, because they have so many people to choose from.

My social worker emailed me this morning and said, "the system is great for kids, but it's hell on the prospective parents". In all honesty, she's right. You just have to decide if it's worth it for you. Best of luck to you.

ETA: About the classes...check around. Sometimes there will be other options. In our case, we were offered the same class three times - once through the state SNAC (Special Needs Adoption Coalition), once through our county, and once through the agency we went through. Try calling an adoption agency and asking if they work with the state. If so, they may offer the classes in a more accessible schedule. Or they may know someone that does.

DevonChaos

Make the classes. This business of having kids takes work, no matter how they come into your life. Missing a bit of sleep here or there is nothing. Wait until you have a sick one that is up all night vomiting and you have to tend to them, clean up the mess, AND get to work on time. It isn't like its going to get any easier once the child arrives.

HappyMomAnna

My personal feelings having rasied two children and having adopted a toddler and an older child... If you can't drive 8-times to take the evening classes when you don't have to arrange child care and if taking a day off work or being dog-tired for the added stress is too much--then Don't Adopt children who MAY need more then your bubble could imagine and save up....

*

Heather B

If you can't be bothered with the process then yes, re-evaluate.

You can't just walk in, pick a child and walk out with him/her. The process is there to serve the interests of the children, which is what adoption is all about - ya know, the children?

Philippa

Firstly I'm in the UK so responding from a slightly different angle.

I am and we are going through Barnet ss for older child adoption as we are too old to adopt a newborn, don't want to adopt internationally and we prefer to adopt out of foster care. Barnet are very helpful and need more paps to adopt older children so maybe there is an adoption agency that have the same policy or another ss near you do to. My dh and I have another 'bonus' as I was coerced into surrendering (in reunion now) so they know I have empathy towards natural families.

Randy B

Re-evaluate as far as what you think the program may be like and the work it may entail, sure. It's unfortunate that you live in an area where the classes are so inaccessible however in my area we have potential adoptive parents who make the trip in. In our area the classes consist of 4 saturdays, all day, but each day is divided into a morning and an afternoon module. If you can't stay for the day you just have to make up the missing modules as they are offered. It's not a perfect solution or even a quick one but thats just the way things are.

All I can suggest is that if you really want to adopt then you need to take a look at the systems and decide which, if any, fit in with your abilities and work towards it. If it takes longer then you anticipated then thats when you need to decide if it's worth it to you.

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