At what age should you tell a child they're adopted?

Traylee

Experts now reccomend that you tell a child they are adopted from birth or from the time they come into your life. Talking with your child about adoption shouldn't be a one time thing. Children often need to have information repeated to them more than once before they can grasp it. This is caused by the way children's thinking abilities develop as they get older. As children progress through different developmental stages, they will work through and deal with different issues involved with being adopted...by waiting to tell a child they are adopted until they are older you are denying them this oppurtunity to deal with these emotions and losses logically in a developmentally appropriate fashion. Instead they are overwhelmed by the magnitude of what you are telling them; plus you have to contend with the huge sense of betrayal they will feel at not having been told the truth sooner.

Hiding something like adoptive status from a child, makes it a secret and secrets invoke shame. Being adopted should not be a shameful thing, it should be something that a child knows he/she can speak about openly with his/her parents.

I've listed some websites in sources for additional information on talking to your children about adoption.

mommag

as early as possible, in a natual and age-appropriate way

mycathouse

With the help of some great kids books, the easiest and least painful alternative for all involved is do it from day one. ("Horace" and "A Mother for Choco" are two of our favorites) If you start from day one with the simple story books, it will always be a natural and easy thing to discuss with your children. Start simple and add on details as your child ages and is ready for them.

If you wait until they ask, you run into two problems. First of all, some kids are too uncomfortable to ask. Secondly, if they're asking, it may have already been bothering them for a while.

We have three adopted children and they are all such a gift to us!

Devin's mom

As early as possible, make it as matter of fact as possible. If you don't make it a big deal neither will the child. Be open with your children and make sure that your entire family, even extended family is open with you child.

Kat

From day one. Once the child is old enough to understand, they should already be aware they are adopted. I was adopted as an infant and I can not remember a time when my parents told me I was adopted...I always knew.

I was always told that my "Mommy couldn't have babies, but she and Daddy wanted children. So, before you were even born, it was arranged that you would come home with us when your birth mom had you. We were at a party and we got a special phone call on New Years Eve, telling us we were going to have a baby. Everybody celebrated". I was born New Years Day.

I've always known I was not a mistake..my parents had to go through a lot to adopt. I was wanted, loved, and I've never doubted it. While I did seek out my biological mother as I got older, it was out of curiosity, not because I was lacking anything.

Sharnenar

I feel that this should be openly discussed from the day the child is born. I think it is almost impossible to knbow when a child is fully understanding a situation and so honesty from the begining is always best.

transplant mom

From the first day. And repeatedly.
It's part of the child's life story.
It's not some shameful secret.

c r

Each year you can throw a birthday party for your child with all the usual party favors and guests, but on a different day, a great way to celebrate from the start ,with your adopted child, is to throw an adoption day party and celebrate becoming a family. It would be a family only party of course but the cake and ice cream would lend the 'correct' flare to it. It is a way to introduce the subject with little tension and stress for the adoptive parents and it becomes a fun family tradition. It can be done within weeks or months of the adoption and repeated annually like a birthday.

furisded

When they can understand. I was adopted and am now 13. I was told that when i was 2, didn't understand it till i was 5. It troubled me because i don't know who my real mother or father are, kinda sad.

saramollyr

when ever the would understand!

lovepets

always just ask a proff how

r1ced_grl

i can't remember when my parents told me, but i knew it all my life, since i was a little kid. later i began to understand the meaning of it and what it was all about. and as i got into intermediate/high school did i really start to think more about it and the reasons why, etc. but...unfortunately nobody could really answer that for me.

biha12

Tell them when they are old enough to understand how much you love them and how much they love you. I would say between 8 and 10 years old. You have to tell them because it is better they hear it from you then someone else and have their heart broken. Also tell them that there is more to being a parent then actually biologically being the parent. In the end you are the mother and father because you care for them the most.

biha12

Ldymblmer

I was six.

Yoda's Duck

I plan to "break it gently" to my children that they're adopted-- No, my husband and I can't have children, so yes, we do plan to adopt.

I plan to mention my children's birth parents, on a regular basis. I would find a way to help them understand that their other mommy and daddy loved them very much, but that they couldn't be the kind of mommy and daddy they wanted this child to have, so they asked Daddy and I to be your mommy and daddy....

As my children get older, I will answer their questions about their birth-parents as honestly as I can. I'll do my best to not cast blame or point fingers- that would just be low.

bigred

We are starting the adoption process. Hubby and I both agree we want to tell our children early. There are numerous books to help explain this to little kids. We have friends that told when the kids were 12-14 and the kids were rebels during teen years always saying "your not my mom/dad" and we also have a friend with a 22 year old that they never told. I think it is best to handle while they are younger.

c504play

i have a beautiful daughter who is now 33 years old who we told from birth that she was adopted. i just dont believe in waiting

djsound

Whatever age they are when they act up or have the cops bring them home?

Sorry trying to be funny.

Seriously; I think 19 years old. Then they are through their rebelious stage and are more adult to handle it.

~haila~

i think they should know as soon as they can understand n that way they arent really in shock or mad or n e thing. also they shouldnt get special treatment, they should b treated equally.

blue eyes

When the child is old enough to understand. It varies for every child.

wildcat137

There is no age. Children grow up knowing their family members without you stopping one day and letting them know. Always casually tell them. Not every day but at least every once in a while. That way it is not a shock to them. I adopted a child at 22 months and another at 4 months. They are 11 and 7 now. They have always been proud to tell people they are adopted since they were young.

USMC_Wifey

Hi there! I really think that a child does need to know as soon as they start asking. I think it is important to stress (in an age appropriate way) that for whatever reason their bio parents jsut couldn't be a parent. It is not that they weren't loved. In fact it was becasue they were loved so much. I think it is important for children to believe that inately they are good people and came from good parents. When they are adults they canknow any "real" truth there may be....

boredomkills85

you should tell the child when they are old enough to understand and are emotionally able to handle it. If you tell them when they are to young it could create some issues or if you tell them and they aren't mentally or emotionally equiped to handle it. But when you do tell them dont just say it and be done with it and just bring it up from time to time and make sure they understand its not a bad thing and make sure they dont feel bad about it because sometimes kids that are adopted feel bad or think they did something wrong and thats what made their real parents get rid of them.

treemeadow

New legislation requires adoptive families to bring their children up knowing they are adopted.

Really-there should be no shame assosiated with adoption. It won't be difficult to grasp for a child. If adopted from birth, annually celebrate their birthday by telling them how proud you are they came to join your family as their child.

Its so easy to bring a child up knowing about their adoption. Reading stories about adoption. Showing them pictures of when they first came to you (great way to start off, because even though a pre-schooler will know they are adopted, the concept, just like Mom Gave Birth To You, is still not so clear.)

Show them a pciture of the first moment, explain that that was when "Mommy and Daddy first became your family". Hold an annual "Gotcha Day" celebrating the day that child came to the family. Family is family, no secrets. Older childrenw ill know a child is adopted...why can they know and not the child themselves. Thats where the identity crisis comes from. Kids don't go through one when they already know their identity as an adopted child. (bar puberty...when ALL kids go through one)

Its not a difficult concept to grasp, and its the law now, anyway. Why is there still an assumption that kids can't handle it?

Enginerd

ok, anyone who said, wait until they ask... Im sorry bu that is very uniformed and not very intelegent.
The only way a kid is gonna hear about adoption is from their parents or kids at school. what if an older kid was to say to a child that they were adopted and their parents don't love them? ( and I am saying that the kid was just trying to be mean, as kids will do, not because they are informed that the other child is adopted) and the kids comes home crying and the mom as to explain that, es you are adopted... that would make it kind of hard, wouldn't it

I was adopted and my first memory was my mom telling me that I was adopted. do it as soon as possible, before they can understand what it means so they can grow up with the knowledge. I'm sure that even though it was my first memory, it wasn't the first time she told me

doc cool!!

when they can recognize right from wrong

Patrick

I would say when they ask.

dismantled_robot

You should really wait until it comes up, dont just blurt it out one day, when the subject comes up just be open and honest.

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