Being Honest about Adoption...?

For those with adoptive children: How honest are you with yourself and others?
For instance: If your childs first mommy was addicted to drugs, and you say privately and publically that you wish/want her to get help....would you have wanted that help to come before the adoption was finalized but after placement? Meaning returning your child to his mother. If your child comes from a country where there is a 1 child limit, and you think that law is horrible and want it changed, would you have wanted it to change prior to the finalization of your child's adoption?
Honestly, I find myself to be a hypocrite when it comes to answering this question.
Additional Details
EDIT: "If your childs first mommy was addicted to drugs, and you say privately and publically that you wish/want her to get help"...sincerely....as in you truly do want them to be clean, sober, well-functioning people....would you want that to happen for them before the final paperwork was signed....but after you had cared for the child, bonded with the child, fell in love with the child, etc.

Freckle Face

Tickled Blue:)

Welcome to the wonderful world called being an adoptive parent.

I can't imagine motherhood without all of my children. I could never put something out there that my DD's could one day read stating i regret any part of them in my life.

Knowing what i do now, i find it hard to justify most domestic adoptions. That is why i try to inform pap's with the knowledge i wish someone would have told me. That is why i try to inform mothers thinking of placing their unborn children. That is why while having five girls of my own, i babysit for free for single mothers trying to better their lives. I know they are little things, but its all i can do at the moment.

The past is the past, i can't change that.

A dear friend gave me this quote that i try to live by;

Be the change you wish to see in the world. Ghandi

ETA: I believe you are over thinking this. You can not WISH someone clean and sober. You are playing mind games with yourself. Stop. You are a kind and loving aparent who gets it. I don't believe for one second that you would wish ill of someone as to not lose a child you love.

I have raised a child in my home that i loved dearly and lost her. Her mother changed her mind. I was hurt but i was more happy for them. I could not happily raise a child if their mother changed her mind about adoption or if she became healthy enough to parent. My gut tells me neither could you.

Sofiakat

While we were fostering with a view, mom was in rehab. As much as I was becoming attached to the kids, I knew in my heart of hearts that my son would be better off if his mother could get clean and be his mom. He loves her so much and wanted her so badly. I prayed that she would. She didn't.
Knowing addiction, as many members of my family have been addicts, I knew that if she did clean up, she might fall off again, so I spent a lot of time during the fostering months teaching my son how to fend for himself, ie: how to make toast, how to feed his baby sister, etc. I did not want him to go back and be starved again. I still hopes she cleans up. If i ever found out that she was clean, I would like to have an open adoption.

Independ"ant"

Denial.....is not a river in Egypt.

TIM

My parents knew nothing about my Biological Parents when they adopted me.
I finally met my Bio-Parents about 9 years ago and although they are not poor or drug addicts I can definitely say I was glad I was adopted!

jprothestar

I am adopted and my mother was addicted to heavy drugs whilst pregnant with me. I am so much better off to not have anything to do with her. I think Dr Phil said it right when he says that children should not have to deal with adult issues.

sizesmith

I did try and work very hard to help my son's 1st mom. For several months, I helped her stay sober, and have been criticized here for it. Even in the hospital, after he was born, she had sent for me, and I truly thought it was to tell me she'd changed her mind. When she didn't open her mouth, I even said it for her, "I know you've changed your mind, and I understand, but will you allow me to visit him?". Instead, she told me she'd gone back to the drugs, and he'd tested positive for them. To be totally honest, I was mad she'd done them, and in another way, I was so relieved, because I loved him so much, and had for so long. Now that she's pregnant again, I've offered support for her (knowing she's keeping this child). I've also offered blankets, clothes, toys, and other items for the baby. No, I wouldn't have wanted to return him. And yes, that's selfish of me, BUT!!!!!!, if she truly had remorse of what she'd done, and would have accepted help, I'd been there to cheer her on.

Before my son was born, I knew she wasn't totally familiar with the area and the court system. I made sure she understood how to revoke the adoption if she changed her mind. I even drove by the courthouse, and showed her what office to go file the paperwork in if she did, and was afraid to ask. Quite frankly though, I was relieved when the 10 day waiting period for her time to be up was over. That's why I think there ought to be the 10 days, and it's hard as all you know what to wait those 10 days and love that child, and know that at any moment, every time the phone rang, every time someone knocked on the door, it could have been to pick him up.
I won't adopt from overseas because of the problems related to coercion. I also won't go through an agency, because they end up in many lawsuits because of the wrongs they'd done to birth mothers. My son's mother was looking for someone to adopt him when I was introduced to her. I didn't ask a pregnant woman on the street! I wish she'd be a part of his life, but it's her choice, not mine that she isn't. The only requisite I have is that she be drug free.

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