Being honest to your adopted child.?

Julie R

The best way to tell him these things is with COMPASSION.

1) Drug addiction is an illness (not an evil sin!).
2) She was okay before, but suffered from this illness when she was pregnant with him. After a long time, she was able to get better.
3) She feels so badly about this right now that she is not strong enough in her heart to see him. Hopefully, she will be stronger one day.
4) He fell on hard times and didn't have enough money to pay his siblings' mother to help take care of them, so he had to go to jail for a while.

I understand that you were very hurt as a child due to your mother's illness. I hope you can see that it was an illness, and I hope you can get some help to work through the issues you have with her. Until then, it would appear that you are projecting those issues onto your child's mother (and other issues onto his father as well). He will sense this and project that perceived "badness" on himself. Not good.

It might help if you did some research and learned about the nature of drug addiction.

Erin L

I don't think you ever lie to your child, but I don't think you give information in the same way at each age.

At age 5 if your child is wondering why his birthmother relinquished, you can tell him she was sick and couldn't take care of him. Simply say that, at the time his bio siblings were born, she thought she was well enough to take care of them.

I think a good age to introduce details that may be more hurtful is about age 11. That is generally the recommended age to reveal difficult information. They are old enough to understand, but not in the middle of the adolescent identity crisis where it can get all wrapped up in their identity. They can come to some understanding and acceptance before going through adolescence.

brazenlove

yes, you must tell him when he is mature enough. tell him when he is ready and can really understand the situation like when he is in grade school. but make sure he is not experiencing any other stress. just be there for your child when you tell him.

Modelicous

Tell your kid when he is old enough to understand. As time goes on you'll want to tell more and more. When he is a teen, he will probably be able to handle the full truth. Only tell him age appropriate things. Good luck.

Giliathriel

My mom was always open with me about everything she knew about my birthmother. I know that she smoked...I know that she had gestational diabetes...and I know she was 21. If there was anything else, something horrible, I wouldn't really care, because that's not who I am. I'd feel more hurt knowing my mom kept something from me than I would about knowing the truth all along.

Elizabeth

well all throughout my life my mom had told me i was adopted. she didn't want me to feel like she had lied to me my whole life. my situation for adoption and stuff wasn't as bad as your son's but it was strange. and she has always told me every detail because she didn't want me to feel like she had lied to me.

Heather B

Julie R has the best answer here, please read what she's said and read it again. It makes total sense especially the part about the child feeling he/she is bad too because his mother is portrayed to him as bad

tammer

If you wait too long and somehow he finds out he will be VERY bitter and hold it against you....

My uncle ( really my cousin) was addopted at birth, my aunt his mother didnt want him.....or his sister, my grandparents raised him and his sister, he found out when he was 16, he is now 40 and is still hurt that he was lied too..... Honesty is the best policy when you think its time..... Just dont wait to long

You dont have to tell him everything but you can sugar coat it so it doesnt sound as bad BUT IF HE ASKS TELL HIM THE FULL THRUTH.... He will love you and respect you for telling him........ and stress how much you love him and how much joy he has brought you.

Do not say that the birth mother didn't love him/her, even if you feel that is the case, because you really don't know. Don't be graphic, but don't lie. Tell your child that the birth mother made a decision at the time that she wasn't able to properly care for him/her. The rest should only be revealed if the child asks about those specific subjects. If you are totally honest, I have been told that the child will accept your answer and move on to other subjects.

amyburt40

Be honest with a great deal of compassion. Do it age appropriately. Make sure you keep the natural parent's information. The child once he is an adult can make the decision to contact.

gddeal1

I am an adopted child, youngest of 4 adopted kids. I am now 36. Our parents told us we were adopted right from the very start, they told us we were special because we were adopted. I grew up feeling very proud of that fact. Answer his question as honestly as you can for his age. No need to get into deep about the bad details if he is to young. Mom & dad always called our birth mothers angels, because they gave them us kids. We were a gift from god. If he feels secure with you & nows he is so deeply loved & you are grateful to the b-mom for him, it will make all the other stuff not so bad. Just let him ask for the details as he gets older, he may never ask for them. I grew up feeling very proud & secure, and it was a when I found my b-mom & found out that I have an older sis, & a younger brother. And my b-mom told me I was a product of rape, but being raised as I was it didn't affect me in a negitive way. I can't imangine my life anyother way. I keep close contact with my b-family, but they are not my REAL family. Hope this helps some.

Tsunami

start out with questions that they ask and answer as truth ful as you can. yu are adopted we loved you and picked you out stuff like that. if they had sisters or bothers let them know you did. just go slow and easy and when they get abig older they will ask more and more questions and then be straight and honest. you don't have to give them the hate project to them but just let them deal with it. tell that what they did or whom there were like and stuff and so on. if they want to see them let them. its like seeing what they may become in a person or if they are messed up with drugs it will help them see that also. but just take one day at a time and not throw it all at them. don't you make the judements for them let them do that and its oke they are going to find out sooner or later and its best to find out from you on a side view they can make the choices and find out what medcial they can use. take care.

Sandra G

As a birthmother of an adopted child...I would tell him that he was adopted and that his mother did the best thing for him by giving him a wonderful family to have. Explain that his mother just did not feel like she would be a good mother to him. Let him discover all the other stuff alone unless when he is old enough to understand and asks...then tell him. But also be sure to let him know that you feel very blessed to have him in your life and that you love him ever so much.

coastal

I could go on & on with this one. Sounds very, very similar to my situation. I (thought) I realllly wanted to know all of this at the ripe age of 16, but my mom said no, I had to wait till I was 18. I am wonderfully glad she made me wait. In your teens, you're searching for your own identity and muddying the waters with potentially hurtful & discouraging news would have really messed me up at that time. I found out later and was able to handle it a bit better...I was NOT bitter for not knowing any sooner and I didn't feel badly for my bio-family or myself. This may sound harsh...but I have met my bio-family and I thank God every day that I had the opportunity to be adopted. That's something I wouldn't have appreciated at 16. Sorry for adding tmi, hope that helps & best wishes!

rensmom

I don't think it's necessary to tell your child EVERYTHING you know about his parents, at least not until he's an adult. Like you, I was exposed to adult addiction and self-destruction at an age when I was too young to understand. .

My husband was adopted and his parents made it known from the time that he was a baby (his skin is a bit darker than theirs, so there was really no hiding it). I think they said something like "I wanted to have a baby sooo badly but couldn't, so God had another woman who was very kind carry you in her tummy and when you were born she gave you to me to love." The God thing may not be to your taste, I don't know, but I thought that was a sweet way to explain it to a child.

I think that everyone wants to be made of good "material" and, considering that her mistakes are not necessarily genetic, I see no reason why your son shouldn't believe that his birth mom was something more like your guardian angel.

momofone

I think that all children need to know where they came from and honesty is the best policy. Letting the child think that false facts and later find out that YOU held the truth from them is only going to make you look like the bad guy. So ...yes...you need to tell the child what you know.

Now the other question as to when.... well that is a hard one to answer. I don't think that telling them when they are young is a good idea. You really need to wait till they are older and can understand. I also think you need to "present" the information with compassion and empathy and let them see that their mom was not a bad person but a person with some major problems that she could not control. I also think that you, as their mom, are best able to tell when your child is mature enough to "wrap their brain" around the information without blaming themselves. Every child is different. Some are not mature enough till they are 40 (like my brother) and then some are when they are 15.

kelly b

I feel as thought you should tell he was adopt but not the details unless he asks. If ask why then I think you tell him.

kelsey

I think I would just him/her that that you chose them because you loved them and that the biological family wasn't able to take care of him/her.

Don't tell him everything, some of that stuff will make him feel horrible. How would you like to hear that your mother decided to raise your brothers and sisters but not you?

Just tell him 1, 3, and 4.

1 should be: 10
3: 7
4: 20

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