Birth-parent, first-parent, biological parent, natural parent, real parent etc?

Robin

Great question! And very loving of you to consider how your daughter might feel about this (sometimes) touchy topic.

As you can see from the many different answers, it's a difficult choice! Back when I did my search (1983), it was politically incorrect to use the terms "natural" or "real" because either one implied that the OTHER parents where "unnatural" or "unreal".

However, PC has changed in the last 25 years, and as you can see, some people don't like the terms "birth" or "biological" in reference to first families. Believe it or not, this aspect is all new to ME, too! And I feel as if I'm learning all over again.

I have, for the past 25 years, referred to my "birth" mother or "birth" dad, or "bio-dad" and/or "bio-sibs". I certainly don't want to offend my fellow adoptees in this forum, whom I admire & respect. I'm learning to use the terms "natural" and "adoptive" when I need to clarify relationships. I do like the term "first" family.

Interestingly enough, in another question on Y!A, almost all adoptees responded that their adoptive parents are their "real" parents, since they were the ones who raised us. I had always held that sentiment, and was amazed to find so many others shared my feelings on that topic.

However, that's more an answer for the adoptee to offer. Adoptive parents can unintentionally sound a bit defensive when they claim they are the child's "real" parents.

When talking to your child, you can refer to her first mom simply as "your other mom". Just a thought. Between the two of you, she'll know who you mean.

Good luck to you and your family!

LaurieDB

I like natural. Biological sounds a bit cold and distant to me. Birth sounds like their only contribution to me was strictly utilitarian. But, since my natural parents contributed to who I am as a person, I'd like it to be something that sounds not only scientifically correct (via nature,) but something that personal. First parent is fine, too. Real doesn't work because in different ways, they are all my real parents.

My husband, not an adoptee and not familiar with adoption until he married me, has a very hard time wrapping his head around calling anyone not actually someone's blood mother and father their "real parents." So, he always calls natural parents real parents and adoptive parents either adoptive parents or step parents. For him, it has absolutely nothing to do with the relationship, work and contributions either set gave/gives to the child, it is strictly about what makes natural sense to him. He certainly does not mean it in any negative sort of way.

PhilM

I keep alternating between first family and natural family. I'm not sure if I have a preference between them, though I wouldn't want the implication of "natural" that I have unnatural parents. "First" seems safely descriptive to me. It's just what the situation is.

I used to use either "biological" or "birth" but those have odd implications to me. (Sunny summarized nicely the problem with "biological" for me.) "Birth" suggests that my first mom simply gave birth to me and then has nothing more to do with it, as though I didn't carry her genes, and that I don't have some connection with her even now. (There are other issues, too.)

"Real" has always bothered me. Who are my "real" parents? I have, at least, four real parents. I'm not going to decide only some of them are real.

I don't know if this is helpful, but for me, either "first" or "natural" seem to be the best choices, in my opinion.

wolf

Birth parent and real parent. In Islam we don't allow surrogacy at all and we consider the woman who gives birth to the child it's mother. Children are also to keep their last names as part of their identity and their names aren't changed in Islam. We also are required to tell the child it is adopted at the age of 7 years old so it doesn't grow up living a lie.

Gershom

mother. father.

BPD Wife

When referring to my son or in public, we refer to his bio grandparents as Grandma & Grandpa. If more of an explanation is needed, we refer to them as bio-grandparents, as that is what they refer to themselves if someone asks them. We unfortunately do not have a relationship with the bio parents, but if we did, I would refer to them as bio simply because that is what the grandparents have done.

People tend to forget in this forum that a lot of times "labels" are placed on people because of the need to explain answers/questions. In the real world, I NEVER refer to myself as my son's adoptive mother. I am his mom - plain and simple. No need to say adoptive or bio, etc, unless we are at a medical appointment and the need for medical history becomes important. But to the average person, I am his mom. I simply use Adoptive Parent here as a way to identify which part of the triad my opinion is coming from.

That being said, I do also like "First Mom/Dad" as a way to explain things too. I do not like "Natural Mom/Dad" or "Real Mom/Dad" as it implies that one family is unnatural or unreal. To me, family is created by love not birth. Adoptive families are just as natural or real as birth families, so to imply that one is "unnatural" or "unreal" just does not sit well with me or our family (or our son's bio family for that matter).

Keep in mind that you will receive tons of advice from all angles of the adoption triad, but the most important thing to remember is to use the terminology that works best for your child and what your family is most comfortable with. People will criticize you no matter what you use, but in the long run, it is what works best for your daughter and your family.

Good luck.

sunny

'Birth' anything is offensive to me. Your child was more than a passenger in this woman's womb for 9 mos. She carries half her DNA, and is the key to her history.

I like natural and adoptive.

Biological is a bit test-tubey for me.

snowwillow20

I gave birth in 1972 and have always referred to my self as her birthmom, since I gave birth to her, I am not up on the new terminology, Biological sounds like test tube baby, real parent sounds like a term for the adoptive mom, since she really is parenting. I was not the first to parent her. Natural, I don't know about that one.

Just my opinion

mommy2squee

It depends on who I am talking to.

When I'm speaking to family, I use her first name, unless it's my son, in which case she's "Mamma".

When I'm speaking to others knowledgeable about adoption, she's "my son's mom"

When I'm describing our relationship to outsiders, I will use "birthmother", because it is the most common term these days.

I hate the term "real" parent/ child, and always have... none of us are imaginary.

When I was growing up, my birth parents were simply not discussed. ever, and my parents never referred to me as their "adopted" daughter.

slinki42

I'm adopted, and I use "biological". I HATE when people use the term "real" to describe birth family. My "real" parents helped me with homework and taught me to drive (etc.)

rachael

i think this is splitting hairs. but i usually use birth or bio. i have taken alot of heat for this at times but i dont think it is all that importent in the big picture. as long as you are open and honest about everything you will be fine. its great that you are taking so much consideration about this. it really shows your character

Erica N

I usually use "bio-mom" and "bio-dad"; their informal and sort of like slang so they don't sound so official.

I guess the term that I like the least is "real parent", I have several bio-siblings and several adopted siblings and I don't consider the former "real" and the latter "fake" they're all my siblings, just in different ways.

Stinkerbell

I like the term birth-parent.. thats what I did, give birth. The adoptive agency I went through used that term and it works for me. I chose an open adoption and it is still open. They use my first name if I come to visit. The child I gave up will always be a part of me no matter who raises him or whos genes he has.

I dont like first, natural or real because it sounds like youre under-minding the adoptive parents. First maybe if the child/ren got taken away from them.

I would only use biological if you didnt know the birth parents.

I think it is very sweet what you are doing.. you are open minded and it will in the benefit your daughter. I think fate made you and your spouse your daughers real parents, in my mind.

Sarah

I'm a birthmom. I'm completely comfortable with that name. I'm also comfortable with 'Sarah' as we have an open adoption, but I can see how that doesn't work in all situations.

As you can see, there are many different opinions and options of what to use. Just use whatever you're comfortable with. Since you're thoughtful enough to be asking this question, I'm sure whatever feels comfortable for you and your situation will work just fine.

opedial

I don't like real or first parents, I feel it would diminish the relationship we will have. I suppose my situation is different as the children are already abandoned and in foster care. I suppose we will give it more and decide closer to the date.

Good for you to think about it before hand.

stormwarnfm

In the forum I frequent, they tend to prefer birth mother, as long as you don't abbreviate it to BM (for the obvious...bowel movement).

The reason is because she IS the one who gave birth to the child, and unlike the poster who feels this invalidates anything but a 9 month stay in the womb...which is a valid argument...but I can't imagine calling my child's first mother their natural mom...because any mother taking on that role is being a mom, naturally.

Each definition has the unfortunate role of invalidating either the birth mother or the adoptive mother.

As you can see, I tend to like first mother...because of all the definitions, this is the most correct and the least "jabbing" to both sides, in my opinion.

AdoreHim

biological or birth mom. WHY- because that is what she is- she is biologically the mother, and gave birth to the the child that you adopted. Real parent is not right- even the birth mom of my son told us that we are his real parents.

Wundt

We use, and prefer, birth and/or biological. These are accurate and non-judgmental monikers.

I don't like "natural" because it implies that somehow the adoptive parents are "unnatural". Note, adoption is not unnatural, it occurs in other animals and is not something uniquely human. The same is true for "real".

I don't object to "first parent", but feel it comes across as a political statement. It feels like people who use this term have an agenda and are trying to imply that birth parents are 'superior' to adoptive parents (and this it not always true, I have known too many kids neglected, abused, and abandoned by their birth parents to believe that).

david f

Ok ! the Biological Mum is ok or you could refer to her as her blood kin ! If you love this child and she love,s you then you are her mum and your husbend is her dad ! You did not say how old he or she is if young than you have plenty of time but if thay are older wate untill thay aproch you dont jump the gun !

tammyg

Since you are the first parent, natural parent and real parent to your daughter, I would go with "biological parent". Certainly she will always think of you as her first, natural and real parent.

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