Can a child given up for adoption be removed from contact?

julie j

Hi Nutnut,

It sounds like this situation is really presenting a challenge for you. Let's try to put this into perspective. Every family has their ups & downs. Reunions can present additional challenges. May I make the following suggestions for you in this order:

First, have you tried to get to know your daughter better? I'm guessing it's possible she has some unacknowledged feelings and that could be frustrating for her. It's possible she has some valid concerns. Have you examined your own possible unresolved issues relating to her relinquishment as well? Many women from that era had limited choices, can suffer from denial, guilt and/or remorse over the years. It's worth exploring if it could turn a negative situation around. These are things you can work on individually, together, or both, before you decide to give up on each other. Ask yourself if you had a dispute with a sibling, for example, would you resort to such extremes as legal steps? Even if you both had an unfavorable first impression of each other, everyone deserves a second chance. Leave yourself the option of a relationship with your daughter in the future if you both need more time to process things now.

You say you want to "protect" your family from your daughter. (By the way, it's HER family too.) Considering that her "chosen" family did not work out, that contributed to some problems in her life. Can you see from her point of view why family may be extra important to her? What has she done to harm you? If she is seriously physically violent or something of that nature, then the same measures are available to you as to the rest of society. You can apply for an order of protection, but be advised those are not issued simply because you do not want a relationship with another person, nor in order to avoid consequences of previous decisions you made. You must have real compelling proof she is an imminent danger to you. As for a restraining order on her from the rest of the family, unless they are still minors, it is up to each of them individually to decide what sort of relationship to have with anyone else and whether or not their lives are in physical danger. The fact that your daughter is 33 suggests that your other children are probably adults by now too. You can legally decide for yourself, not cut her off from everyone else.

If the two of you do not want contact with each other for now, then one of you needs to tell the other that you are not ready at this time for any more contact. After you make that clear, you would do the same things you would do with anyone else you didn't want to contact - stop taking calls, stop emailing, stop visiting, etc. Sometimes relatives cannot handle a relationship for various reasons. Sometimes that changes in the future, sometimes not. I have known hundreds of adoptees over the years, and I have never known one to not respect the wishes once they were made known. It's very rare that an adoptee would not honor the decisions expressed even though it will cause them additional pain. A right to know who people are is not the same thing as saying there is a right to be loved. Adoptees, like everyone, do have a right to know where they came from. There is no right to demand love from others, adopted or not. That's up to each individual.

Your daughter has a legal right to offer contact with whoever else she pleases. Of course that does not guarantee a relationship will follow. You never know how the other party feels until you offer. Adoption is not the witness protection program. All it means is you gave up your legal right to parent her. It does not mean the state has any magical powers guaranteed to make your daughter permanently disappear from the lives of everyone you know. That would be unrealistic and unfair. Even if you choose to permanently end contact with her, she will never stop being your daughter nor you her mother. She will still be related to the rest of the family too.

I hope this advice helps. In summary, please think about reconsidering some kind of relationship in the future. If not for your daughter, then for your grandchildren and other relatives who may want to know you. Please try to keep an open mind and be kind and patient to help resolve this. Thank you. I truly wish you both peace and healing.

julie j
reunited adoptee

Sly

I am going to assume that you had other children, and you know what it means to parent your children. If so, you understand the meaning of Tough Love. You love your daughter, no matter how badly she behaves, just simply because she is your daughter. That does NOT mean, however, that you have to tolerate cruel, abusive or other bad behavior from her. It sounds as if, up to this point, that you have been reacting to all the stimuli that your daughter has provided, and it seems to me that the best thing you could do would be to be proactive instead. Do not wait for her to make a move. You make one. Tell her that you love her, tell her that you are her mother, and she is behaving like a spoiled and selfish child, and that her behavior in a child would warrant a time out, but the only time out we offer an adult behaving this way is prison. Tell her you will not be party to her games any longer, and that until she treats you and the rest of her/your family with respect, you will not allow permit her to pull your strings. Then, if you believe that it would help, contact the court and have a restraining order put on her. And then, back it up. Get the book Tough Love. If they still have them, join a Tough Love Group. You are doing her no favors to allow her to continue this self destruction.Make it abundantly clear that while you love her, you detest this behavior and will not allow it to affect you, and then don't let it affect you.

Corn is not dog food! No wheat!

Entitled to know you?
Required to love her?

Nonsense!

Even if you had raised her, she still has no right to threaten your family.

You have EVERY right to eject anyone you want from your life. Be it your parents, your children, your spouse. At any given time, you can tell them you don't want to have anything to do with them.

Get over your guilt and call the police on her.

kitsters_mufasa

Get a restraing order call the cops when she comes by

tish

sure. you should not have to deal with anyone you don't want to...but, this is unspoken, unadvertised risk with adoption. bitter, broken lives. not all afamilies are "the better choice."

be well

PhilM

As the anti-adoptees here are so quick to point out, this can happen with bio-kids, too. Bio-kids can be just as bad and evil as adoptees.

All parents should be protected from their children. It's the only way, apparently.

In your situation, it sounds like you'll have to avail yourself of the same protections available to all other parents.

hannahmommy

Restraining order.Ask her to get professional help.

Zeena

Do you still live next door to her? if so, she if there is any possibility that you can move away from her.

If not, file a restraining order including the members of your family.

Perhaps see if you can get her admitted for a psychological evaluation.Sooner or later her crimes and karma will catch up with her.

Sorry that your reunion was not a happy one.

LadyCatherine

first you need to do is move away from her.. get a restraining order on her and make sure to include family members if you can..

Sharon M

You need to understand that you did the best you could at the time. Believe me, I know someone who thanked the Lord they were given up for adoption when they met their biologicals so it can go either way. The first thing you need to do is move. Leave the area as fast as you can. Also, document every single thing that she does and consult a lawyer. I hate it for both of you that it has turned out this way but it is what it is.

Nurse Autumn Intactivist NFP

Wow, Is her name Suzy? Cause she just sounds full of "sunshine"

Seriously though, I don't buy it

**************************************...

If you are being truthful, then first, you need to sit down with her and have a good LONG talk, let her yell, she needs to get it out and to feel validated. If she is really NOT going to stop and is putting the other members of your family in harm, then you need to file for a restraining order

your not cool.

That's actually not your daughter now, but I guess you could get a restraining order...

What are the thumbs down for?? It's NOT her daughter she gave her up for adoption remember?? The people who raised her that's her mother and father!! I would know I was adopted so don't even go there with me please.

Carnie C

well, most people here will tell you to say you don't want contact and *magically* that will stop it . . .

but it won't stop her from contacting your family . . . and making their lives a living hell so each one of you will have to take steps that you shouldn't have had to do in the first place just to get some normalcy back into your life.

You can't file a restraining order because there's jurisdictional issues (unless of course, she does live in the same city/state).

but trust me, it's not as easy as it sounds. contact an attorney IMMEDIATELY. look up the case of roger siegel in new york.

how did she find you? of course people here are going to slam you because she is ENTITLED to know you and you are REQUIRED to love her because she is your daughter you know.....sheesh.

ETA: Sounds like you have come to grips with any "unresolved issues" someone else brought up -- you tried to help her!!!

did you buy the house or are you renting? break the lease and get the ### out of there. you know you'll have to write off a relationship with your grandson but unfortuantely, until she gets her act together, you'll have to. once she straightens up, things will be different but in the meantime.

however, i do have a concern about your grandson being left in the hands of a drug addict. I would wait for her to be on a heckuva binge and call the cops on her at that point or social services. she's going to have to hit rock bottom before she can come up and that may be the door bell if you know what i mean.

and you can not guilt yourself into thinking this is ALL your fault. You did what youthought was best based on your situation and knowledge at the time. ok, childhood not good but there comes a time when SHE becomes and adult and SHE has to deal with it and SHE has to make the choices of what her life will become. you've done what you can; you've tried to help and give her the answers to her questions but you can't constantly be there tow atch this happen and be the object of her abuse.

seekn2know

OMG! How did she ever find you? Why on Earth would you jump into a relationship with a stranger regardless of parentage?

I think biological parents should treat the adopted child the same way they would a stranger until they know them. You could have done a background check before allowing her into your personal life. Too many people act out of guilt. You should protect your family no matter what.

I would suggest moving period. You gave her up for a reason 33 years ago. She is a virtual stranger and her actions prove there is no love lost between you so move. Contact the local district attorney get a restraining order.

She sounds like she is out to destroy you as punishment for her life. It is harder to restrain someone who lives next door to you which is why I say move.

Don't leave a forwarding address. Prosecute her if she violates it, if the situation is THAT bad.

Bi polar people can be treated with medication and act normally. Get her into rehab for the illegal drugs & then have them treat her disorder. She could be an entirely different person then.

Gershom

She IS your family. Ban her from contact with your family? Nice. Real Nice. Every adoptees dream come true. Nut Nut is right.

crazychickizback

Be harsh. be mean. tell her there was reason you gave her up and it wasn't because you wanted her in your life. THEN call the cops

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