Can you give suggestions on fostering (potentially adopting thru foster)?

I am just in the beginning stages of figuring out if I should foster and/or foster/adopt, and well, i've been reading a lot of relative questions and suggestions. I see that people give a lot of what not to do...like don't tell the child they were "chosen" or to say negative things about the parents, and I am finding all of this advice very helpful.

But can you give any suggestions on the "ideal" way to handle these situations. Like how to introduce the child and what to say when people ask who they are to me, or how to explain to the child what is going on.

I am a firm believer in the truth but how do you explain it to a small child so they understand and still feel loved? And how do you explain to others without it being made into an issue?

I would love to become a foster parent but want to make sure I am prepared.
Additional Details
Thanks for the support! I really appreciate it.

I know how to start the process, and I have the form filled out and ready to fax in to begin.

And I know that there will be classes but I am more or less looking for suggestions from children who were in foster care and/or parents who fostered and methods to dealing with the things that may arise. You know, real life situations, not just things they will tell you in a class.

For example, if you were a foster child, what did your parents do that made you feel loved and welcome and vice versa.

**VERY MUCH APPRECIATED!**

Looney Tunes

Thanks for thinking about the kids.

I was a foster kid for 11 years, so maybe I can give you some insight.

1) When you introduce a foster child, say "This is LT, who is a great kid and is staying with us for awhile." or "Say hi to LT, she is going to be living with us for awhile. She is a wonderful kid and we are happy to have her with us."

--- See, it introduces the child, PLUS gives some positive praise and regard to the foster child, who probably desparately needs it.

2) Let the child eat when-ever the child needs to. The worst foster parents monitored food or locked cabinets and refrigerators, the best had a rule: Anytime I ate, I had to sit down at the table. It was hard for me at first, but note, the rule allowed me to eat all the time but I was controlled because I was sitting down...not just shoving food into my mouth. (Most kids come from homes with no or little food...food will be an issue)

3) Wetting the bed. Worst foster parents yelled at me or locked me in the bathroom. Best foster parents told me it was ok, taught me how to take my sheets and blankets to the washing machine and then helped me put the sheets back on the bed. I was not punished or shamed for this problem.

4) Punishment: Get creative. For example. Instead of sending the child to time-out or their room...make the child spend more time with you. It "punishes" them because they are forced to be with you when they are upset and angry. But, it also enforces the attachment you need to develop.
Other creative methods of punishment include: writing assignments regarding what the child did wrong (i hated those) and then having to share the writing with the family. All feelings are allowed in the assignment. You might get "My foster mom is a ***** and I hate her. She is making me write this assignment because I did not listen to her. Why should I listen to her. She is stupid and not my mom." BUT even if you get that, the child is thinking about right and wrong...no matter how hard it is to hear.

5) Realize that many of the feelings that the child has are NOT about you, but about their previous experiences with bio-parents. Learn to separate the feelings, so you can control your reactions.

6) BE HONEST. DO NOT LIE. These kids lives are filled with lies. The best foster mom I ever had, told me the truth, no matter how hard it was to hear.

If I can help with anything else, email me. Good luck.

Amy J

I hate to be another answer to your question without the answer you are looking for but...my husband and I are becoming foster parents and we have found the reading material our licensing worker has given us very helpful. I don't think there is any one perfect way to let them know they are in foster care if they are too young to understand. I do however believe it is very important to let them know as soon as possible. Especially because teenage years are so hard anyways and to have that thrown on them when they are older is too much to ask a 10 or 13 years to deal with. As to explaining to others who the children are to you, I would just introduce them "this is ^their name^ and he/she is staying with me for awhile. Depending on their age and situation they may not want to be considered your child. We are getting ready to take our 24 hours of training very soon and I'm sure they will explain all your answers in that. The best way I had my questions answered was by contacting my local Dept. of Human Services or Family Independence Agency(DHS and FIA) are both in the same building so I didnt know which agency I was dealing with. But definitley contact your local office and share with them your interest in becoming a foster parent. That was our fist step then we had a lady come to our house and do an orientation, now we have to get our background check and finger printed before we can have our home study and attend the Pride training. Good luck and God bless you on this new adventure!!!

RPMR

During the process of being verified, by CPS or an authorized foster agency, to be a foster or foster to adopt parent, u take a lot of classes. These classes will answer all ur questions. If they don't you can always talk to your recruiter or the child's social worker. They also have support groups for foster parents in most agencies. But they are usually free to call their foster parents either mom/dad or just by their first names! If there is a good chance to adopt the child I would say to let him/her call you mom, if not that will only confuse them more. U can introduce them as either your child (not son or daughter, only if u are adopting them) or just by their first names. Again the child's choice! It should be all about them and their well being. Good luck and may God bless ur efforts towards this.

lardawg54

I was a Foster parent and it was one huge emotional roller coaster for me just to know what happened to some of those poor kids. Be sure your have a willing and supportive partner because if you don't, they will unravel all that you have tried to do for these kids. My EXwife just couldn't be a team player and had to pull the jealous thing with me. She said , you spend too much time with the kids and not me. Well, time is what we had to give them when we started out, she wasn't strong enough.

lady in pink!

well i have no idea on how to become a foster parent but i think your are a TREMENDOUSLY GREAT person for wanting to do this for a homeless child!!! God Bless YOu!!

SPGASS

HAVE YOU DONE YOU HOME STUDY YET? WORKING WITH A SOCIAL WORKER WILL GIVE YOU THE BEST ANSWERS
MY HUSBAND HAD TRIED FOR A YEAR TO HAVE OUR OWN CHILD AND ALWAYS KNEW THAT WE WANTED TO ADOPT SOMETIME IN OUT LIFE AND IT SEEMED LIKE THAT WAS GOING TO BE OUT ONLY WAY TO REACH OUR GOAL OF PARENTHOOD SO WE STARTED THE PROCESS WORKING WITH THE DEPT OF CHILDREN AND FAMILY IN OUR AREA AND BEFORE WE COULD REALLY START WE GOT PREGNANT WITH OUR 1ST CHILD NOW 7 WEEKS ALONG

SO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IS FIND THE DEPT OF CHILDREN AND FAMILY IN YOUR AREA AND THEY CAN HELP YOU WITH THE ANSWERS AND STEPS YOU NEED TO DO THIS

NOW BECAUSE I NEVER ACTUALLY HAD A CHANCE TO HAVE A CHILD IN MY HOUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW I WOULD OF HANDLED THE QUESTIONS "AND WHO IS THIS" DEPENDING ON THE AGE OF THE CHILD SOME FOSTER CHILDREN CALL THEIR FOSTER PARENTS MOM AND DAD AND WONT HAVE A PROBLEM AND MIGHT EVEN LIKE TO BE CALLED SOMEONES CHILD

BUT HOPEFULLY YOU HAVE A LOT OF SUPPORT AROUND YOU AND MOST OF YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY WILL KNOW WHO THE CHILD OR CHILDREN ARE

BUT IF YOU CAME ACROSS SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T KNOW U COULD SAY THE CHILD'S NAME AND MAYBE PRIVATELY ANSWER THEIR QUESTION U ARE A FOSTER PARENT

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