Can you tell me?

julie j

Hi Kym,

I can totally understand those lost feelings you describe. There were several things you mentioned in your post that if not properly addressed could become larger issues for any adoptee.

Their first mistake was waiting until you were 10 or 11 to tell you that you were adopted. That's too late. Adoptees should grow up always knowing they are adopted. As for her telling you to keep everything to yourself, it is rightfully YOUR information, not hers. You own it, YOU may decide what to share with others. Secrets are not healthy for any family. You are under no obligation to keep your adoption information to yourself just because it's what she wants. You are an adult now.

To tell an adopted child they were never wanted? Oh my God, Kym. That's unthinkable! How she passed a homestudy with that attitude, I don't understand. Adoptees especially need to feel wanted and loved. There is the presumption out there that people adopt because they want to be parents. If they don't, they really have no business adopting. You deserved better than that and the other abuse she subjected you to.

Then you lost your father, the one parent who did want you. That's understandable how you would feel lost after that to be stuck with the one parent who admitted not ever wanting you. You say she is making an effort to be nice now. If it were me, I would be wary about allowing her around my own children, particularly if you are not around. You're right - that is not normal behavior for a mother. Now that you are a mother yourself, you know what it means to be a mother and to care for others and to love them unconditionally. If anything, that would make the contrast between the type of parent she was and the type of parent you are, all the more obvious.

Do you have a support group to discuss your feelings? If not, I can recommend a good online one for you that I think will help. (see link below) Your feelings are valid, and if feelings are not acknowledged, they will continue to brew. It's best to get your feelings out in the open. Not necessarily with your mother right away, but for your own sanity, sort things through your own mind first, and then decide which direction to go in terms of your relationship with her. I think if you do that, it will empower you some & that will help that lost feeling start to feel a bit better. Best of luck to you. Other adoptees who have been there are out there, don't be afraid to reach out.

julie j
reunited adoptee

Possum

Oh Kym - I'm so very sorry that you've had to live all that you've lived through. No child should have to - but it hurts even more for an adoptee.
Please come on over to the adoptee support forum -
http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index.php
You are NOT alone.
It was not until I found other adoptees to talk to - that I finally felt OK with myself and with my situation.
You have EVERY right to fell absolutely everything about your situation - and don't allow anyone to tell you otherwise.
Adoptees have been told for too long how they should feel about their own adoption - by those that have never lived it - and it doesn't have to happen any longer.
Hope to see you there soon.
Also feel free to email me through my profile anytime.
Take care of you.

â™¥bigmammaâ™¥

Sweetie, you have every right to feel the way you do! I'm so sorry you had to live like that. I was adopted too & didn't find out until a few years ago & my adopted mom was nothing but wonderful & I now have that same feeling you do. I couldn't even imagine if she was abusive?? I have 4 children myself & can't understand how anyone could hurt a child either!?? The group one of the other posters mentioned sounds like a great idea! I might even check it out...Maybe I'll see you there! Hope you can get past this soon w/ as little heartache as possible! Can I offer a hug? (((Kym)))

Heather B

I am so sorry you got adopted into an abusive home.

Find a support group where you can speak with other adoptees who won't make any nasty comments or remarks, Possum suggested a good one.

Nobody will understand an adoptee like another adoptee

Mark C

Wow...very tough question to something that could only have a very personal and individual answer.
I think talking to a professional counselour on how to deal with these feelings is best (not sure you'll find too many of them on here) but the fact that you're able to talk about them is a fantastic start.
Best of luck to you, sweetie...sounds like you deserve it!

Lise Wisey

Your mother may harbour some jealousy over you having biological children if she didn't.
I had a friend who had an adopted daughter that fell pregnant at 16 and she couldn't cope with the fact that her daughter had something she didn't. When the child was about 4 she felt more comfortable and now they are a happy family.
You need to speak to someone regarding the death of your father as it is a pain that never eases but you don't need your past making your childrens future dull.
Good luck and be thankful for the beautiful children you have been blessed with.

NONAME

Time heals all wounds. Its possible she was cruel to you when you were young because she had a miserable marriage with your father, and vented her anger and frustration on you and your brother. She's trying to make up for her evil ways by being nice to your kids. She's trying to extend an olive branch to you, by showing kindness to your kids. I'd bury the hatchet, and accept her. Don't dwell on the past. The present and the future is the only thing that really matters.

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