Child living in filth...how do I approach the dad b4 contacting child services?

too lady to rest

You will discover this is a trend with bachelor men. Trust me, once you start dating men with their own apartments, you will learn this is an epidemic. So why is this so? Believe it or not, many men don't seem to "see" the problem. Perhaps because it is their own filth? My husband won't ever notice dust or mildew unless it is pointed out to him. It just never enters his radar. And he is not alone. So there may not be an intention on his part for living this way. He may not realize how extensive the problem is. So, in a kind and gentle way, suggest that the kitchen and bathroom need some work. Point out specific ways that this impacts the child, and why it concerns you. This way the child is the motivation for change. He may do for the kid what he wouldn't do for himself. Do you know someone who would clean the place? Then you can say, "I have this friend who could use the work....". Just try to be caring and informative rather than blaming and angry. The approach can really make the difference. Then see what he does. If no changes are made, then tell him that CPS would not like the conditions. But be aware, the standards that CPS will accept are probably well lower than yours.

Torrejon

Maybe just ask if he'd like for you to arrange for a professional cleaning service to come in once a week.

snowwillow20

Get some names of some reputable cleaning services. Have a talk with the dad and suggest that he hire a house cleaner. If he is responsive to that then your ok, if not tell him you will have to report him, because the unsanitary conditions are not healthy for anyone.

kyukyu99

That is tough. I can understand how you feel though. He is lucky you have not called Child Services yet.

What about sitting him down and saying something like "I can see how much you care for your son, and I know that adopting a child is a major change in life. But I am concerned with him living in conditions like this, because he could get very sick, and then someone may take him away from you. I don't want to see that happen, so if I give you the number of a cleaning service, would you call it and have them come in maybe once a week?" Something like that. Explain your concern for the child, and that you know the dad loves him and cares for him. The dad may have been brought up like that (I was, my parents never cleaned. There was often cat puke on the floor for months for example).

Good luck with the situation, and thank you for looking out for this boy above everything else. You are a good person!

*edit* You may also explain that if child services makes a house call - since the child is adopted and they do that sometimes - that if they come in and see these conditions, they may remove the child.

Nubian Princess

First off, I would tell Dad JUST THAT...You as a child care provider, have an obligation to report these living conditions to Child Protective Services...So I would tell him something like this: "I really enjoy working with your son. He is a great kid and I really like what I do. However, because I am a professional, I am going to have to ask that you either hire someone to clean up or clean up yourself. I do not think the environment is safe for either your son to live in or for me to come and take care of him in, and I have a responsibility to make sure that things are safe for him. I wanted to come to you and try to get this issue solved right away since we are on good terms and I feel I can come to you without having to get anyone else involved. I would like to continue working for you but in order to do so, I think the conditions in which I work to take care of your son will have to be cleaned up or I will have to look for other work." (You may even leave out the last part about looking for other work but I think he will get the point...or at least we hope he will!)
Hopefully he will see things the way you do and get it done. Otherwise, just remember your stance as a child care provider and you have to do what is in the best interest of the child, especially since he is a special needs child and you may be his only voice! Good luck to you! You sound like an awesome caregiver and there really should be more people like you out there!

Santa's Lil' Helper

Ask for extra money purchase some cleaning supplies and get to work!!! Maybe the little guy would like to help. It may be helpful to teach him some valuable life skills while keeping his behavior under control. Children love to help clean and it gives them something to take pride im. Plus everyone can benefit from the feeling of being needed, Stressing to
the little guy you "need" his help could be a great way to build trust between child and caretaker.

I am from the philosophy that Soap and Water is Cheap so there is no reason to have a filthy house. However being this man is a bachelor cut him a little slack. Perhaps he just does not know how to properly clean. Or that it has gotten so out of control he does not know where to start. Help him get it clean but make it clear it needs to stay that way.

â™¥Layla's Mommyâ™¥

maybe tell him "i heard someone saying that your house is too dirty for a kid to live in and that social services needed to be contacted. maybe you could hire a cleaning service to help get this house really cleaned up so theres no way you could get into any kind of trouble." idk how else i would do it without just straight calling someone. maybe they can just give him a warning. im not sure. but i bet if he got a warning, he'd start keeping it clean.

Just Another Girl

It's never easy.I was in the same situation quite a few years ago. And I was honest with the parents.Told them exactly how I felt. You tell the Dad what you just told us. STart off by saying you understand he's busy and the child can be a chore but these things still need to be done. Suggest different cleaning companies in the area or for that matter he could check an online classifieds i his town and probably find a person who would do it for less pay then the proffesionals. After one or two good cleanings he should be fine so long as he remembers to tidy up every evening. Explain to him that it's no way for a man,much less a child,to live and you don't want to lose the job BUT it's something you dont feel comfortable letting go any further because it's not safe. Good Luck

Dinnaefashyersel................

In what way is it Filthy? can you give us some examples? i say this because what's disgusting to one person is just a bit untidy to another. Is the child in actual Danger? if you really feel things are as bad as that and that the child needs protecting the only thing you can do is to tell it to him straight, just as you have done here no holds barred tell him he needs to get it cleaned because if it's not you who will report him then another babysitter surely will and they'll not be as nice as you and report him without giving him a chance to get his act together first, that way you'll be doing him and the child a favour. Good Luck!

scweetci_87bc

In my feild, we are trained to never give a warning, because more often than not the parent will pick up with the child and dissappear to live the same abusing/neglecting relationship somewhere else. If you want to help the boy, don't give advance notice, just call child services. They will give him a chance to straighten up instead of a chance to run off - giving his son a real chance. Sorry to be brutal, but I don't think you should give a warning. Just call CPS.

Nahira

Try talking to him about a cleaning service first. If he gets hostile about it, or enough time passes and he doesnt make some changes, quit and call DSS.

But before you do that, you do have to consider your own safety. I dont know these people, so I cant assume he's not crazy. Did you go thru an agency to work for him? Does he know where you live/have your social, etc.?

Thank you for thinking of this child! He and his dad need the help, and caring people like you might just do the trick.

~Jenny~

maybe he's just so overwhelmed with the mess he doesn't know where to begin...who knows....sit down and talk to him...not in a degrading way...and maybe offer to help get the home cleaned and after that they can keep it up...at times people are to quick in calling in the hounds (CPS)before giving a family a chance...and that does have devastating results...especially for a child who is special needs and has already been in the system...try to help before first and take it from there

EDIT....I agree with AD on some stuff....you don't want this father to see you as a threat...you want to help...just choose your words wisely...my Aunt went through this...but she suffered from depression and just didn't care what the house looked like...that changed after getting help...so maybe it's more than just being a lazy bachelor...I know single men that keep their home so clean....so being single is no excuse and for sure no excuse when you have kids...it's not healthy...good luck

artistagent116

Hello, my friend. Wow. This sounds awful. Here is what I suggest: Sit the dad down and tell him that you simply cannot work in a home this dirty. He must know how filthy his home is, so you won't be shocking or upsetting him. Say something like, "If I am to continue babysitting "Johnny", this home must be kept clean." You can suggest that he get the house professionally cleaned, then - if you are willing - pay you extra for keeping it up. It may not be necessary to contact child services. It is always easier to keep a home clean once it starts out that way.

Of course, if the dad doesn't go for your suggestion, you definitely should tell him that you have no choice but to contact the authorities. Then do it. You will, no doubt, have to find another job however....if you don't' quit, he will most likely fire you. BUT in the long run, this will be acceptable as the boy would be living in a healthy home.

You're in a tough spot here, and I feel for you. As a caring child care giver, keep in mind that the boy's well-being comes first. Not the feelings of his dad.

Nina

you need to confront him about it. tell him he can fire you if he wants, but the house needs to be picked up. if he says no or nothing happens, tell him you will contact child services. if he still does nothing, contact child services.

MrsChris

Pray about it. You are treading on dangerous ground when you turn people over to officials w/o giving them a chance to rectify the situation. Maybe you could write the dad a letter explaining yourself and your concerns

sizesmith

Most child care providers are mandated by law to report such conditions (you are probably not, since you are an individual working for an individual). Ask yourself this: Is the filth endangering the life, health, and the mental or physical health of the child? Is it interfering with his emotional behavior? If the answer is yes to any of these questions, you need to call child protective services. If you believe that the man can be helped, suggest a friend you have to come in and help clean.

You say someone who isn't a germaphobe? If you are one, perhaps could it be that the house isn't up to your conditions, and you can't stand it? If possible, could someone who lives a little messier come and give an opinion on the home that you know? That way, you can make sure if your opinion is that it needs to be reported might be overrated, and by bringing in CPS, it could be even more devastating to the child! Men often don't have the same standards as women, and perhaps you could get some gloves, clean the house better, and ask for a raise to keep it up, making everyone happy, the child healthier, and you more comfortable in your job. Also ask yourself: Is the child happy and healthy?
Before he adopted, this man had to go through social services with his house being inspected by strangers who usually have pretty high standards. Toys all over isn't filth, it's a way of life for many parents. Grungy toilets/bathrooms, mold on faucets, trash and food overspill on cabinets, etc, is true filth.

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