Closed open adoption??? which is better?

realmom lese

It's funny you bring this up. Just a few days ago, I asked a Foster Dad/Adoptive Dad who is a good friend of mine something similar.

He (and his wife) adopted an infant girl, then later an infant boy through private agencies, and the adoptions were closed, at HIS insistence. He honestly admitted that he was reluctant to have openness with natural parents, and felt threatened by their presence.

A few years later, he wanted to add to his family, and decided on foster care adoption. He adopted a boy, a few months old. The social workers that helped facilitate the adoption, persuaded him to keep the adoption open. Dad was reluctant, but promised to do so. And has kept his word. (yay!)

His Foster/Adoptee son came from an abusive situation. The openness was a huge hassle for Dad. He said the closed adoptions brought a calm easygoing feeling, and the open one brought chaos and disruptions many times to his household. He said it was/is complicated and very frustrating at times, and he seriously did not want to do the openness, but did not want to go back on his word either.

Several years down the road, he is very glad he kept things open, for all the hassle, he feels like his son growing up with the ongoing knowledge of his natural family and their problems is benefiting completely from it. He knows the good, the bad, the ugly, and has a support system in place to help him through it. He said his son is confident, has no identity issues, and has meshed better into his adoptive family, as well as into his natural family. Meshed better than his older adopted siblings, who are struggling with identity issues.

This Dad told me that without a doubt, He prefers the open rather than closed adoption. He is actively trying to open the closed adoptions for his other children now. He wants all of his children to know who they are, where they came from, and he wants to alleviate their identity issues so they will not have to cope with them later without his support.

Plus he now feels great compassion for natural families, which he did not have before. He learned this exclusively through the open adoption experience. He stated that he doesn't want to deprive his other childrens natural parents of knowing these wonderful children.

He is a very secure Dad, but his journey did not start this way. He grew along with his children and learned.

kateiskate

Open adoptions are 99 percent of the time in the best interest of the child. End of story.

lost2day

I think they should be open, perhaps the child wants to see siblings or grandparents.I have first hand experience with close adoption, my mother was adopted, my stepson is adopted. Both are closed adoptions.If the child is older, it might be the only option, seeing as how they already know their bio family.It would be hard to break the family connection.

dontknow86

They will be able to find out who their birth family is anyway. Me and my birth daughter found each other on computers she typed in her birth date and in 3 sec. had all the info.

Lisa Marie

It depends on the situation. I would have to opt for a closed adoption in the case of severe abuse. If the parents harmed the child and the child had to be removed from their care I don't see how it would be helpful to the child to remain in contact with them. Keep any information on the bio parents just in case the child would like to contact them at some point in time.

MS A

I agree open adoptions are great in theory, but please understand they are not perfect.

It's hard for a child to understand why their first parent breaks promises, doesn't contact them, etc. This can even be true when there is no abuse or drugs involved.

We have a great relationship with my daughter's first family, but we have to do a lot to keep it going. There have been a lot of tears over the years from broken promises.

Layla

I'm the product of a closed adoption and do not agree with open ones. Especially in the case you have presented. If they want to figure out who their parents are when they're 18 and old enough that's fine then maybe they can handle the fact that their birth parents are druggie losers. But in the best care for the child it should be closed. You wouldn't want your child knowing a known drug user or abuser if they weren't their birth parents, then why would you want someone who should have loved and cared for this innocent child in their lives.

I know many people don't agree with this but I grew up well adjusted and happy knowing I was adopted and being loved by my parents none the less. I have since started looking into my birth parents but I am old enough now to know how to handle it better.

In an open adoption if they wanted to see their child and you let them they would be so confused by having two sets of parents it would make it harder for them to adjust,

hello

Open adoption then you are not hiding anything. I find closed adoption scary and wonder what do they have to hide?

I would love for all the special needs children to be adopted, want to be a hero adopt a special needs child they need you.

ringocat22

I opted for a closed adoption when I gave a child up for adoption 19 years ago. As a birth parent who made the choice to sacrifice my parental rights, I felt that having no contact with the child or family was the best possible option. I don't think that birth mothers have any right to say how their children are raised, if they choose to give up their child. I also didn't want to confuse the boy, either, by staying involved.

Maybe it was the right choice, maybe it wasn't. I made the best choice I could make at the time. I do hope that the family kept my contact information, for when he turned 18 last year. I am willing to meet him, if he so chooses. But I will not impose on his life, and have not made any attempt to contact him over the past 19 years.

(The child was conceived due to failed birth control, and I was only 21, and alone. I was not a drug user or drinker, not in an abusive relationship, or anything like that. It was simply an unwanted pregnancy.)

Mel

As an adoptee- CLOSED adoption. I am 23 years old and was always somewhat upset that I couldnâ€™t know more about my biological mother and father growing up. During my rebellious teen years my best line was "you canâ€™t tell me what to do your not my real mother" I knew it dug deep and usually stopped the argument to dead silence and my mom walking out in tears. I regret those horrible sayings now- and my adoptive parents are the people that got me where I am today and my desire to meet my biological parents has become almost nonexistent.

But I look at it in the perspective (and this is without the drugs and abuse), if I actually had contact with my biological parents while growing up- I would have been torn growing up with who I am actually supposed to consider my parents and my bad teen years would have been traumatic for me and my actual parents (adoptive). Can you imagine if a 15 yr old girls adoptive mother wonâ€™t let her wear make up but the birth mother-who she can contact, thinks itâ€™s OK. That is a very petty issue but that can dovetail into a number of issues for a kid and parents- and I donâ€™t think I would have ever formed the bond with my Mom and Dad if I would have known my birth mother at the same time.

I hope that makes sense- yes every kid wants to know where they come from- and it will always be a source of bitterness/anger for a child who doesnâ€™t, but if you raise them right (which it sounds like you will), when they are older and can actually contemplate what adoption is- they will know that it is in their best interest

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