Confused About This?

Liz B

You should never deny her of knowing about her mother no matter how awful she is. Always make sure she knows good things about her mother and how much her mommy loved her. Just let her know that her mommy wasnt able to care for her at this time and thats why she is with you. Always let her know how much everyone loves her! Good luck!

tan0301

If you adopt her you wont be "sort of her mother" you will be her mother and you need to treat her like a daughter. If she asks about her mother you should answer her questions with an age appropriate answer, changing the subject will just make her suspicious and more curious. Good luck on the case.

MYAB

No you should talk to her alot and talk to her about how she feel.Yes she is only 3 but their are ways to talk to her so she can deal with what she has been through and come out of it okay. Accepting the past and learning to deal with tough situation in a healthy way is what you should be focused on. Let her know how safe she is now and that what happened to her wont happen again you have to start building trust and respect for each other if you are going to be her main care giver. You not kinda going to be her mother you ARE going to be her mother. This is a big responsibility that you are taking on I hope you understand what you are doing and are emotionally/mentally ready for the things that you will have to deal with.

~)~)

answer any questions she has about her mother. after all, it is her mom. tell her that her mother wasn't treating her as good as she needed to be and that with you she'll be treated right. be upfront. dont try to confuse or hide things from her, it will only make her bring them up later in life and develop a rebellious grudge.

If you adopt her you will be her mother... not sort of. She will eventually call you mom and you can always explain that she has 2 mommies. Her birth mommy could not care for her so you became her mommy too. Treat her like a daughter especially since she is only 3. She will need a mother and the bond that comes along with it.

luisamapacha

You need to be in counseling for this situation. They will tell you the proper way to raise her and talk about her mother.

Something like "Your mommy loves you very much, but she is too sick to care for you," would probably be best.

Rockstar Mommy

When she asked don't say bad things about her mom, & when she gets older try to explain to her in a simple clean way why she was not able to live with her mommy.

You are doing a very good thing here to try to be sure that your neice grows up in a good loving enviornment, There should be more people like you out there to help people out. Keep it up!!

myas

PLEASE BE OPEN AND HONEST WITH HER ABOUT IT, because I was adopted and my adoptive mother told me about 3 different stories. It confuses people in the end and it could damage her self esteem. Believe Me.

Morgaine

You will not "sort of be her mother" you will be her mother. Don't treat her any differently then you would your biological children.

She is three, so her memories of her biological mom will be very faint as she gets older...when she asks questions, just answer as honestly and as openly as you can, in a way that she can understand at whatever age she is.

kat

just treat her like you would want to be treated. and tell her you wern't trying to take her from her mother but you were trying to pretect her. love her like you should. just let her know that her mother loves her but that she just needs the time to get her life together. the lord will answer prayers so pray. you are doing the best thing for her that you can. atleast she will be with family that loves her and maybe not be afraid to ask about her mother. just tell her the truth and never lie to make yourself look like the good guy.

danyelllconden

Talk about it because she still needs to know no matter what

daihatsu man

Just treat her like a person.

boredcollegekid

You will be her mother legally, put it aside until she is able to truly understand want happened. If she won't let it go sit down and answer her questions, and let her get it out. She's only three so don't get too detailed. If you really don't feel comfortable tell her that you will talk about it when she gets older (10+)

SGT V

First off, good for you. You are doing a very good thing. Now, I can speak to this issue from experience. My son was diagnosed with cancer just before his 3rd birthday while in his mother's custody. I lived in Florida and he in Rhode Island with her and the majority of both our families. She lost it when he was diagnosed and was eventually cited "for medical neglect" by DCYF in R.I. After many months of court battles I got full custody of him. In the beginning she had no desire to see her son (she has 2 other children.. who were about 15 & 18) when the baby got sick. It turns out she was abusive to her other son but not her daughter. Anyway I took over, got him the needed treatment for his cancer and he beat the disease. He is now 13 years old. Throughout the years he spent summers in R.I. with my parents and his maternal grandmother, and other members of the maternal and paternal sides of the family including his half brother and sister. His mother would see him very sporadically. We moved to Florida when my son was in first grade to take advantage of the gifted programs available here. Whenever he would ask me questions about his mother I would try to answer them honestly, within his capability to understand. I make a concerted effort not to "bad mouth" his mother though I have many reasons to wish she did not exist. But, without her he would not be here today. I would suggest you do the same. When your niece asks questions about her parents answer her honestly if she is able to understand. Do not put them down as later in life your niece might reconcile with them and then you come off as a bad person. Treat your niece as if she is your own daughter. From a legal standpoint I would try to ensure that any visitation awarded to her mother be "as parties may mutually agree" so you have control over the situation. My son used to see his mother when he was visiting his maternal grandmother or someone else in her family that would ensure she could do him no harm. I also have the advantage of when my son asks me something about his mother that I can't or won't answer I tell him to ask his brother and sister (they are both in their mid 20's now) as they know his Mom best. When he used to ask me why he could not see his mother I used to tell him that his mother "had personal problems she had to deal with first" before she could spend significant time with him. In the past few months his mother has been contacting him .... sending him cards, callng him on the phone and what not. When he is older and more mature, he will see that I limited his contact with his mother because I did not want him to get hurt. I was just getting ready to go into court with her as she owes a significant sum of money for medical expenses but I am holding off as long as she is having regular contact with him. Do not shove the subject aside. Explain to her ability to understand. When she can understand and asks where her mother is perhaps you can tell her the truth but let her know that sometimes "good people do bad things". Take the high road always. If your niece wants to call you Mom, momma, or whatever gently remind her that she has a mother but perhaps she can call you Mom "Your Name". Later in life she will love and respect you even more for never bad mouthing her mother and stepping up and loving her with all your heart the way you sound like you will. Best of luck. You are a good person for taking in your young niece and your rewards will be many fold throughout the years and if at some point her mother gets her act together than perhaps she can be allowed to visit, in a controlled environment to say the least. I am not a very religious person but there is a place in heaven for fine folks like you. God bless you and follow your big heart.

becccy231278

No because she will only be bitter with you when she is older. No matter what, her mother will always be her mother so you should talk about her. Don't be mean about her, and if she asks what happened etc, then gloss over the gory details. When she is old enough to understand you can tell her the truth (i'm talking teeneager or older) but until then I wouldn't put that burdon on her.

Dalice Nelson

Of COURSE you should talk about her mother if she asks! Just make sure it's done in a gentle way with the emphasis being that there was nothing in the world that she did to create the situation that her mother is in.

If I were oyu, I'd kind of have a party line of, "your mother loves you so, so much but some people son't act the way mothers should act. I am so lucky because I love you so much and I want nothing more than to love you and care for you everyday"

I dunno. Something like that. I hope it all works out for you-
DN

Be honest. If you lie to her, she will know or will someday find out, and you will lose credibility. If you treat her as a mature person, she will realize that is the way that you see her, and she will probably respect you more.

Also, after she asks you about her mother a few times, she will probably have her curiosity satisfied. The questions will probably taper off until she is no longer really interested.

What you need to think about is what will happen when your sister gets out of jail. Please think about that. If you need to get a restraining order or no contact order, please tell the attorneys.

Tsunami

when she gets older you can talk to her about it. but you cannot just shove it under the rug. that won't help. when she can understand do not say your mom is bad. just be kind and when she is old enough to understand tell her stuff and let her decided what she thinks. its not right to put the parents against their own kids. i mean she could be mean persona nd stuff but shes apparently on drugs or something to act like this and tell her so she can understand but dont' put her down etc. take care.

Mike K

Just do the best you can, and treat her how you would like to be treated.

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