Considering adopting: to those who have been adopted, would you offer me some advice?

Possum

Ask yourself this - are you able - with all your heart - to allow an adoptee to love & know both his/her bio family and his/her adoptive family - and NOT EVER ask that adoptee to take sides against either????

It means - above all - to put the child's needs above your own.
(too often adult needs are put before the child's needs)
A child does NOT choose to be taken from one family and given to another - those are adult decisions - and a child should NEVER be made to suffer for those decisions.

For greater emotional and psychological health - an adoptee needs to know - personally if at ALL possible - his/her bio family. The family he/she shares looks, talents, personal traits with.

When an adoptee is not allowed his/her truth - and is not allowed to be a part of what I've outlined above - an adoptee has a far harder time with self image - and self worth issues.

An adoptee has two families.
That's their reality.
Please do not force an adoptee to pretend that one family never existed.

Also - be aware of your ability to accept the child - just the way they are. A child can't change what is genetically embedded.

Adoption is extremely complicated.
Read, read and read some more.
Especially books and blogs by adult adoptees.
Here's a start - links to many blogging adoptees on the web -
http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index.php?topic=2805.0

I wish you the best.

CALiFORNiA LOVE <3

to the person who said "dont tell"--THAT IS THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO! when i found out i was adopted, i was 9 years old & i was soooo upset that my parents hadnt told me earlier. i had alot of anger towards them for a while after that. the best thing you can do is tell him/her.
if you are adopting abroad, make sure to tell the child a little bit about his heritage. if u are adopting within the US, having a little [but not TOO much] contact with the biological parent(s), if possible, would be good. i never got to meet my birth parents because my doptive parents thought it wouldnt be good for me. i kinda wish i was able to.

good luck & god bless :]

Annie A

I agree with what Possum said - and she laid it out beautifully. My only addition would be to caution you that not all adoptees feel the need to search - and that's OK, too. I think we often see the issue of adoption as a black-or-white thing, and it isn't always that way. An adoptee might have a difficult time with their adoption, or they might not have difficulty with it at all - or anything in between, and all of those scenarios are just fine. Speaking as a person who is very glad she was adopted, I encourage you to go into it with an open heart, and just be there for your child (adopted or not) and let them be who they need to be.

Good luck!

Larissa N

I'm with those who said you have to tell them right away. Here's the thing...yes adoption is complex in it's very nature, but it doesn't have to be a big issue.

My adoption was arranged before I was born. I came home to my parents (adoptive...but they're just my parents) when I was two days old. They've told me from the minute I came home that I was adopted. They always explained it to me by telling me that it wasn't because my biological parents didn't love me...it was because they DID love me that they decided to give me to a family that could better take care of me. I never felt rejected, angry or bitter, because I always realized that I wouldn't have had the opportunities that I did if I was with my bio-parents.

It's never been a big deal or a hurtful thing, it's something that I talk about openly. My mom understood that the best thing she could do was be as open and honest and supportive of me in anything questions or when it came to finding my bio-parents (more on that later). It was harder for my dad, because I think he's a little insecure and it upset him to think that I could have another dad or love another dad. But for me...he will always be my dad. I call my bio-dad by name out of respect for my dad and because that's just what I'm comfortable with.

I know and have always known that the critical trust between parents and child would have been destroyed if they'd waited to tell me. I would have been so angry and so hurt. I don't hold grudges easily, but that's one that I think I could have held. But if you tell them from the start and just make them understand that they've always been and will always be loved, it doesn't have to be a big issue.

Now, I've mentioned my birthparents several times. My story is strange in that connecting with my bio-parents kind of just fell in my lap. My bio-dad married the aunt of a friend of mine. They got to talking and just sort of figured it out. She didn't tell me for a long time, because she wasn't sure if I was ready to know. But eventually she did and when I was ready (several years later) I contacted him. He knew how to contact my bio-mom, so he gave me her info and it all went from there.

Now I have a healthy relationship with ALL of my parents and have gotten to know my brothers and sisters. I went from being an only child to having FIVE brothers and sisters. The youngest is 20 years younger than me. But it's fun and new and it has been a great experience.

Of course, not everybody's story will be so happy. But I just think the most important thing is to love that child like they're your own BECAUSE THEY ARE. There should be no difference to you or them where they came from. Be open to their questions (even if it'll be awkward for you at times) and let them know that they have always been loved and always will be.

:)

PhilM

The blogs Possum pointed to are a must.

Here are some books that I would recommend as well...

* "Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self" by Brodzinsky, Schecter, and Henig

* "Journey of the Adopted Self" by Betty Jean Lifton

* "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier

L-train

If you are adopting a baby be very open with them! You must tell them they are adopted.

My parents were very open with me about it and I love them so much

on the other hand i have friends who adoptive parents waited till they were in high school to tell them. it wasnt pretty

Ellie

my advice is that you are a special person that want to do so. I have 2 cousins that are adopted and they are the most wonderful kids in the world. I would just be careful and realize that one day they will want to know where their birth parents are and to watch my aunt go through that it is not easy but she did tell them and one of them wanted to the other did not. Good Luck

just for fun

My sister and her husband adopted a little boy about 46 years ago and he doesn't know that he is adopted. To this day he believes that his parents are his adopted parents.
Don't tell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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