Considering adoption of girlfriend's 3 year old son. Bio never in the picture. Does this sound reasonable?

I posted this same question under a different category, and the responses struck me as odd. Please read carefully.The biological father has never been in the picture. They weren't married. He fought the DNA test. He fought the court decision. Eventually, the courts decided to nail him hard, to the full extent. He pays his child support, usually on time. Nothing more. He has never even seen the child. For our purposes here, I see no need to name the little boy involved in this question.The biological father has repeatedly stated he wants no contact. Again, they were never married.It is my opinion, having been surrounded by a number of adoptions (I myself am not adopted, buy most all of my family is) there are ways that best suit the child involved. I believe that should the day come that the adopted child wishes to know about their biological father, or even meet them, then that is up to the child. I won't fight that. I would never attempt to hide the fact or try to deceive the child about the adoption. Everything as it is. However, given the biological father's attitude, I would prefer he remain as removed as possible, until such time as the little boy decides for himself as to whether or not he has contact with his dad. However controlling this may sound, I don't care what the biological father wants. He had his chance. He chose the low road, and my girlfriend and her son have dealt with it. Should this adoption take place, it would never be my intention to hide the truth, or prevent the child from fulfilling his curiousity should he chose. Previous responses have suggested this unreasonable. I am a bit confused.Does this sound impracticle? Unreasonable? Controlling?
Additional Details
To clarify..and sorry, I neglected this point. Right now she is my girlfriend. Adoption would follow our getting married. In both cases, this is down the road. I am at this time looking at this in such a way as to be able to openly and accurately express my intentions. Again, didn't mean to imply adopting the boy before his mother and I take next series of steps. I'm simply trying to view the Gestalt of the matter.

Wundt

I think it would be great, but there are some things to consider...

First, what happens to the child support from the bio-dad when you adopt? It sounds like this guy would take that an opportunity to contest the child support, and perhaps get out of paying. You may not 'need' the money, but he is responsible, and children are expensive. If nothing else, you can put the extra money into a college fund.

Second, not to be negative, but there have been questions posted on this site from people who adopted their spouse's children from previous relationships only to now be responsible for that child when the marriage ends. I am not suggesting you should not adopt for this reason, but it is something to consider.

If I were you, I would talk to an attorney first about these issues. Frankly, you can be a 'parent' without actually having adopted. You could also become the child's guardian so you can sign paperwork and pick them up from school, etc. Protect your GF from losing the child support (and yourself should things not work out).

almost human

You obviously care about this boy and his mother a lot, and this is a beautiful thing you are proposing.

However, it might cause financial hardship if the father agrees to give up his rights, as (I think) he would also be freed of child support.

It would be lovely if money didn't matter, but for a single mom it's always a struggle and every little bit helps. Would you be able to pick up the slack? Because as his adoptive father, you will also be financially responsible for the boy until he is considered an adult.

I guess the other thing I would ask is, if the father is so totally out of the picture, is the adoption even necessary? If it is that you merely want to proclaim to the world your love for the boy, Isn't that obvious already? Is your interest in adoption out of hostility towards the father? Is your interest in adoption out of wanting title to the child? Is there a reason you want to do this now, at this particular moment?

Personally, I think it would be lovely if it took place when and if the child was old enough to understand the meaning behind your desire to be his father, and to wait until the child endorsed it himself. Maybe he's even ready now. But you have to make sure you're doing it for all the right reasons too.

bailezra

If you and your girlfriend end up getting married, then adopting her son would be a logical next step (provided everyone is on board with the idea).

indigo child

I'm a little confused... this is your friend's son... why the talk of adoption? I'm missing some sort of connotation...

Amber B

I think if you are serious about your girlfriend and love both her and her son. Then you should propose to her first and then ask if you can adopt him. I know if it were me that would totaly melt my heart! The same thing happend with my sister, mom , and dad my sister was 2 and my dad adopted her after my mom broke up with her first husband. Its very courageous thing to do and it takes a real man to do it not impracticle or unreasonable or controlling at all.

Hannah B

As long as you live together and are in a comitted relationship then I think it would be a good idea as it is likely that the biological father would gladly surrender his rights.

zoe j

no it doesnt. As long as you are both prepared to tell him everything when he asks you then there shouldnt be a problem. Love him like he was your own and everything will be fine. He will be curious and it will be his decision to contact his father or not. If the bio father turns around and wants to see the child after you have adopted him then you both must let this happen, do not give the boy any reason in the future to blame you both for any trouble he may have with his bio father. No matter what happens just be there for him with a loving happy home. For all intents and purposes he will always consider you to be his dad, so dont mess up ! good luck mate and he is a lucky boy to have you.

j_elam22

This is what I know to be true for me. My mother married a man (my biological father) and he went to prison. I was like 2 months old when she met my Daddy. My mom and Dad married within a year of meeting, and my Dad adopted me. That was the BEST decision anyone could have made for me. My Dad and grandparents are the best... I could not have had better ones. I do NOT wish to meet my biological father, ever. I see it the same way, he had his chance to do right by me and he blew it.
Now with that being said, only you and your girlfriend know the state of your relationship. I dont think that adopting her son would be wise if the relationship is a rocky one. One of my EX friends had a baby that was adopted by her husband, practically at birth. They got divorced, and she took the kid away. He has no rights at all. It was not fair to the child involved is my point.
I do hope that everything works out for you and this little boy.

Cryss

No, it does not sound impracticle. If the father wishes to have no contact and you wish to adopt the child, he will have to sign over his rights. But it doesn't sound like you'll have any problems there. If this is something you are serious about doing then just make sure you are willing to commit, as a father. Once the papers are signed it doesn't matter who his father is, you will be his "daddy". In a court of law you will be considered his parent and legal guardian as well, so just make sure it's something you really want to do.

Sam L

i think it IS reasonable beacause you would raise this child in an ordinary manner and not decieve it like most others would. you would be able to raise the child responsably as your family/freinds could give yoou advice about adoption since they have experienced it.

boxys exwoman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

its good that ur gunna be tellin ur adoption son the truth from the start that way he does find out the truth he wont be hurt cuz he has known all along. and congrats to you for steppin up and adopting this little boy!!!!! never mind what others say i think ur doin somethin selfless and at least this lil boy is gunna have a dad in his life.

Shantel~Army Wife & Army Sister!

i think that it would be wonderful. every child deserves to have a father role in there life. and obviously his birth father is a dead beat dad. i think you so do it and give the child the dad they deserve!

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