Considering giving my baby up for adoption? Can anyone help?

I'm 22 years old, I've been in the relationship that I am in now for well over two years.

I just found out that I'm pregnant. I don't know what doctors to see or how to even approach it.

I've never wanted children, they have always been beyond alien to me, and I know I'm probably going to receive plenty of hateful statements of how i should have been more careful..Which were my exact thoughts once it was too late. I don't want a child, I don't see myself as a fit parent, and I don't want the responsibility nor do I feel a person in my "shoes" who has past mental illness and is very financially ill-equipped and headed like the rest of us, into a depression.. I feel adoption would be the best answer.

My boyfriend and I are very unstable. I work and he doesn't. I have a car, He doesn't. He already has one daughter that his grandmother has custody of because of a mishap that happened with his daughters mother. He wants to keep it, but it's as if the daughter he already has doesn't even matter most of the time, though he'd kill me if he knew i said that.

I'm worried about what people at work will say. I work with the public and my community... I honestly have no religious beliefs, but i refuse with every ounce of my being to resort to abortion.. No one deserves that, and no one should ever be that "unwanted".

I have been through much more in my lifetime than I care or could actually even if i tried, get into.. I don't think a child being raised around me is the best idea, even though i'd never cause any harm to it and would do the best I could, I don't think i could pull it off... I've always been a "loner". Even now I feel like jumping ship in my relationship.

I don't even know if my boyfriend and I will stay together for years or even months to come... which makes me feel that if i kept it and we split, I would be alone with a child i didn't want, or grow attached only to try to have him take it or something along those lines.

I know from living with mental illness myself, that growing up with it will be hard enough for "my child", but if it were to stay in a home where nothing had been planned, with two people who are just as unsure of themselves as they are their relationship (which should be the foundation), wouldn't that make it more than likely harder in the end?

My mother and my boyfriend keep on trying to convince me to keep it, and say i have months to decide.. But I feel like i have no time at all....
It seems even though I'm trying to take the steps towards not being a murderer, I'm still a terrible person.

I know there are people out there dying for a child.. Infertile couples who had no choice in the matter.. People who would give basically anything to have a kid, and all i want for mine is a good home..

What processes need to take place for an adoption? What agencies do i call, or how can I possibly "study" families who are looking?

I have so many more questions than this, and believe me I know yahoo answers isn't the best place to look for the answers for this in prticular, but I've seen some pretty helpful people and some pretty caring answers and have the hopes that someone who can understand my position would be able to shed some light on this unfortunate subject.

Please don't be hateful, I am a person who has always shown kindness to others and I have always gone out of my way to take care of anyone, which in the end does mean there is a possibility that i could be a good mother, but I just don't feel that I'm ready...nd am dead set on not keeping him/her.
Additional Details
I'm not wanting anyone to take my baby, heh.

Just researching options. I do believe it's what i'll turn to.... and I wouldn't trust anyone online that messaged me about wanting my child.. An agency is the only way I'd go.

hgg717

I think that you are a very smart woman to consider your child. Your a mother already. I have been in your shoes and I chose adoption for my child. I do not regret it at all. I did what was best for my child. I was not fit at the time I could not trust the father. He had another girl pregnant by the time I gave birth. He had no job no future and he really had no idea what it meant to have a baby.

It is all about your child and how they will survive. I am so proud of you for thinking about their best interests. It takes a lot of maturity for you to think like you are. I hope the best for you.

I recommend itsaboutlove.org it is the agency I went through. They give counseling and help you see all your options. You can look at profiles. They have strict guidelines for their adoptive parents.

I wish you luck and want you to know that you can survive adoption. It is not a nightmare but a experience. Everyday I can be sure that my child is safe well cared for loved and will always know it was my love for him that lead me to search out a family for him. It wasn't that I didn't want him totally but that I knew we would both be worse off together.

DevonChaos

I was a year younger than you when I had my first, and a year older when I had my second. I didn't want to be a mother until late into my pregnancy. I would say give it until you have the baby, then decide. See if you can live with giving up the child.

I highly suggest that if anyone contacts you from Yahoo Answers trying to get your baby from you, that you put them on ignore. There are people who will lie and cheat to get this child from you. Don't contact anyone yourself. Go through an actual agency to be sure that the right person is allowed to raise your baby. Not a stranger.

I really do suggest waiting until you give birth to decide. You can always give the baby up, but once she/he is gone, that is it.

I am adopted, and I would beg my first mother to keep me if I could. I have suffered my whole life because of my adoption. It isn't a good start for life. Your baby needs you most of all, and if you are unwilling, at least go to an agency where they will make sure that the a-parents are fit for raising a child. And I stress, do not accept emails from people on here. They are baby trolls, trying to go around the law to get babies.

ETA: I'm glad you aren't into the trolls. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. I hope you do a lot of thinking, but I also hope you give your baby a good look in the eyes before you decide for sure. I know I couldn't give up a child, but we are different people.

Tracey

i can understand your problem. I have been where you are now. I believe that you don't really want to keep your child. I would hate you to consider putting your child up for adoption. I would think long and hard about your other options. I would also advise you to talk to people you really trust. I know what it feels like to go through and adoption as I have been there. I have also been adopted myself. Later down the line say in 1 to 18 years you will be wondering how your child is.Are they being looked after well? What are they doing now? If you have the chance Keep your child. It will save you the heart ache everyday thinking of the child you should of had. I am like you I don't believe in terminating a child. Please think about it. I really don't want you to rush into anything that you will regret when the baby is born. Good luck. I hope it all works out for you.

MamaKate

Dear Krista,

Good for you for educating yourself about your options. Don't feel rushed and don't let people pressure you - do what YOU and your boyfriend think is best for you and your child. You have time and there are LOTS of options. Make sure you know what you're getting into. (I learned the hard way that adoption was not the best choice for me and my children.)

Lots of women (and men) feel weird, nervous or scared about becoming parents but then are surprised to find out they feel the opposite after seeing and holding their child. I would really suggest that you wait until AFTER you give birth to decide for sure what you want to do.

Here is some important information you should know before deciding on adoption (just so you are aware of what the agencies won't tell you! Like that "open" adoption is not legally enforceable!):

http://www.keepyourbaby.com/ (Information and resources for natural family preservation)
http://www.cubirthparents.org/ (Please be sure to read Heather Lowe's pamphlet, "What you should know if you are considering adoption for your baby")
http://www.exiledmothers.com/ (Information about the adoption industry, common coercion techniques, first person stories, stats, etc.)
http://www.antiadoption.org/ (Information about adoption effects, resources for family preservation, etc.)
http://www.originscanada.org/adoption_trauma/what_they_knew.html
(The effects of adoption on mothers and children)
http://www.motherhelp.info/keepingyourchild.htm (Information and help)
You can also call 866-41THRUTH 24/7 to speak to a first parent or adoptee who can answer your questions and help you find the resources you need to parent if you decide you want to do that or direct you to a reputable agency.

There are lots of organizations that can help you if you decide you would prefer to parent.
Google single mother assistance programs, grants and family assistance organizations and you will have lots of places to look for the help you need.

There is also the option of temporary or permanent guardianship instead of adoption, which will allow you to retain some rights to visit etc.

If you do decide to go with adoption, make sure that you do it in the most ethical way. I would suggest contacting your local social services department rather than using an agency.

I hope that you and your boyfriend get all the information and take your time before you decide what you want to do. This is a very hard decision and no matter what you decide, your lives will never be the same! I wish all of you - especially baby, the very best!

Heather B

Let the father and his extended family raise their family member then. Daddy has just as many rights as you do, you can't just give his child away to strangers

crzymmof8

There are many great adoption agencies out there. But take the time to meet with them and the workers. Get a feel for who YOU feel comfortable with. Talk to them about the different programs and services that are available. I have never been on your end of this process but I am an adoptive mother and I know from talking to our birthmoms of our kids that it was very important that they felt comfortable with the social worker that they were working with. Don't let anyone make this decision for you...you need to be the one deciding what is best for you and your child.

sarajnw6

Go through your state social services because they screen all potential parents and put them in a ten week parenting class and they also inspect the home to make sure its safe or you can try to search for parents at www.adoption.com...I wish you the best

karcnr

I agree with you, only work through an agency. Agencies can also give you counseling and support and help you with any financial support you may need. My husband and I are working with LDS Family Services and they are non profit so they don't charge an arm and a leg like the private agencies and they still have all the support systems for you. You can look online at adoption sites or in the phone book. Agencies will have adoptive families listed and you can view their profiles and decide what is best for your baby.
As far as going to the doctor, you need to see an OB-GYN. The dr. there can also give you information about adoption.
I hope this helps.
-Christa

cmc

It sounds like you've thought a lot about this, and should start looking for an adoption agency and family for your child. However realize that your feelings might change over the course of your pregnancy, and your decision shouldn't be final. It should be something you can reevaluate up until you sign relinquishment papers (after the birth). Once you sign those papers you are not able to change your mind. However before that, even if you 'match' with a family, and possibly get some money for pregnancy related expenses, you are not compelled to place your child for adoption. Everyone involved should realize this is your choice to make, and it shouldn't be final until after the child is born. Too many women are pressured into something that is not right for them.

You also should decide if you want ongoing contact with your child. Even if you don't want visits etc, you may want yearly updates. Also at some point your child will want to know who you are, so I suggest not having a closed adoption. You should look at local agencies and "shop around" until you find one you are comfortable with. We worked with a very good agency in CA, but I know there are lots of bad ones out there too, who are known for pressuring women to place babies for adoption no matter what. anyone you are working with should be compassionate, sincere, and honest. Ask them lots of questions about when you can change your mind, how many open adoptions they have, if they recommend open adoption (meaning are they interested in all people in the adoption, or only in placing babies). Also you should have complete control in choosing the family for your child. What is important to you - religious beliefs, single vs two parents, interests and values.

I wish you luck in find the right family for your child, weather that is with you, or an adoptive family.

AF Wife

First, let me say that I think that the decision you are making is very commendable. Secondly, you are going to give a wonderful gift to a couple who cannot have children on their own.

Your first step for adoption is to contact a local family law attorney or adoption agency and talk to them. They will be able to offer you options for a closed or open adoption, as well as scrapbooks or information about prospective families. If you would like more detailed information, please feel free to email me. We did a lot of study about adoption when we were struggling to get pregnant with our daughter. Good luck to you.

Katie R

I think adoption is a terrific and brave decision for a person in your shoes who is not ready to be a parent. I would think you could contact any adoption agency. Look in your yellow pages under LDS family services. They provide medical care and counseling and you do not have to be a member of the church. Good luck and God bless!

himkky@talk21.com

i think your very brave and your making the right decision
i found this web sight for u have a look at it it may answer any questions u have it called Are You Pregnant and Thinking About Adoption? it just talks about how it work and what kinda adopshons there is http://www.abcadoptions.com/thinking.htm#should_I

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