Considering placing for adoption?

I am considering placing for adoption. I cannot take birth control. I have made it 28 years without it and this is my first pregnancy. Most of my boyfirnds understood that I could not take birth control and wore condoms. I guess this last one had never been with a girl before because he started with one and then when we finished without one I asked about it and he goes "I'm sneaky".
Every time I have mentioned child support or sharing custody he says I'm harrassing him. He says if I don't have money then he will take the baby. I doubt his sincerity because he is in the military and says he does not want to move out of the dorms because he will get more money if he is deployed. He was also offered a free crib which he never went and got. Not even for his own use.
My parents want the baby, but they live in a dirty mobile home in the middle of nowhere with no friends. I know what it is like to grow up this way it is very isolated and lonely. I want my child to have brothers and cousins to play with, if nothing else.
The father says he will take the baby, but he plans on letting his mother keep it. I have spent hours listening to this man talk about how him and his mother have suffered because of the abuse of the father. Why would you want a baby to live in that. At the very least, my son will learn to be abusive because the grandmother will be teaching him that women take abuse.
I don't have alot of family to help me. I don't have any siblings, aunts and uncles or very many female friends. i realise the government pays for everything, but I don't know that just having a roof and some food is necessarily providing a good home. I just don't want this baby to grow up feeling lonely and poor and, well alone.
I would like to hear how adoptee's feel. It would be an open adoption, maybe they would at least grow up knowing who I am. Maybe I would be like an aunt or a close friend of the family
I would like to hear from birth moms who maybe realise what obstacles they realised too late that they could overcome.

jessica300

what obstacles I realized too late that I could have overcome:

the lack of support from my family - I've pretty much been on my own ever since losing my child to adoption. I thought I needed them, I didn't.

I thought it was shameful to go on welfare - not. This is one thing I think welfare should be used for - keeping families together. Plus, I know - NOW - that I am a responsible person who would not have become a welfare recipient for the rest of my life - something I was afraid of at the time.

A huge obstacle was that the adoption worker was telling me things SHE THOUGHT ABOUT ME even though she didn't know me. Don't - for any reason - believe those who tell you that you can't raise a child. You can find a way to do it.

I would give my right arm to be able to go back and "redo" my life - to keep my son with me and see each of the milestones he reached, to love him and be there for him every day.

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/wish.html
http://motherhelp.info/
http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pdf
http://www.girl-mom.com/
http://www.cms.hhs.gov/MedicaidEligibility/01_Overview.asp
http://www.birthmothers.info/index.html

best of luck

funketybucket says H-eye!

First off, You didn't say if y ou wanted to keep and raise the baby...IF you want to raise it then do it...it may mean that you have to work your butt off and keep 2 jobs, but plenty of women have done it for their babies to have a better life. Also, stop asking the father for money and just go talk to a lawyer. When he is proven to be the father he'll have to pay court fees, your lawyer fees and all the expenses incurred, Plus will have to send you child support for the next 18 years...the way you described him it's better if the baby doesn't even know him. IF you don't want to raise the baby then I think adoption would be your only option. I would NOT let the baby go to his mothers. That's no kind of situation for a baby to be raised in and the courts won't even let them be raised there if they know the truth about it.

Proud Mama of 4

You said the father would take the baby, so what makes you think that he will sign adoption papers? Also, your parents might fight you custody. Is there a reason you don't want the baby. You aren't going to be in this financial position forever. He will have no choice but to pay you child support. Think about what you want. Not others. If he chooses to take the child, you will be on the hook for child support. Adoption may still be an option, but not if he won't sign. You may meet someone who has a child already. You may get married and have another one of your own. Your child will have friends. Its not the end of the world being an only child. Good luck with your decision.

Nurse Diesel

I can't speak to the rest of it, but I do know that if the baby's father is in the military, you will have no problem collecting child support - the military does an excellent job, and demands that its members pay their child support, and takes it right out of their paychecks.

Adoption is fine - I am not adopted, but I know a few people who are, and most of them while it's not perfect, are very grateful for the opportunity to have a life.

Jenni

I got pregnant with my first child when I was 15. He is now 6 and loves his little sister as well who is nearly 3. I kept them. It was hard to be a single teen mom, but I worked through. Then I met my husband and had my youngest (the 3 yr old) Iâ€™m only 22. I know how scary it is. I had to get a job and graduate high school. (I did 3 months early with honors by the way) My son pushes me to be everything I can be. My future is his future.

Donâ€™t worry about the dad trying to take the baby from you. Heâ€™d have to claim youâ€™re unfit mother. Heâ€™ll have to legally pay child support and if he get deployed who would watch the baby? My mom helped me a lot with my son. She didnâ€™t raise him she just guided me into becoming a great mom. Maybe your mom could help you out? Or if you really want to go with adoption, Iâ€™m not sure where you live but you could try Gladney. They let the mom-to-beâ€™s live there, and you can help choose your childâ€™s parents. Very cool.

Good luck! This is a very hard choice to make. Take your time and don't anyone bully you into any desicion.

ARC82

It seems like you have really thought hard about this situation and i wish you the best of luck, I just wish i could offer you some advice. good luck and you will make the right decision

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

he can't "take" it unless you sign off. you can't give it up if he doesn't sign off.

go to originusa.com for some help from first mothers.

please keep your baby.

Ima

You said you were 28. Are you working? Many women raise children on their own. The father would have to pay support, and yoU could get help with childcare and medical and such from DSHS or whatever is available in your state. I would consider the option of raising this child. if that doesn't work for you, then i think adoption is an option to consider.

Bekah is overdue.....

Get in touch with an adoption agency, they will be able to help you with legal and emotional advise. Good luck! If you want to keep the baby, he can not say he will take it if you can afford it, he HAS to pay child support if its his. Good luck.

Panda*4Ever

Hon, there are so many couples out there that would give your child a good home...that would be a very wonderful gift to give. If you know you are not able to provide the home you would like to raise a child in; then you need to contact an agency to help you find a family.

On the other hand, there are many single mothers that have raised children on their own...no support from the father, no money, no nothing....and they have done fine. It doesn't sound like the father is interested at all, but if you were to keep the child; his family may become your worst nightmare...just a thought.

You know in your heart that you want to do the best for the child and I think you would make a good aunt figure if that is what you want to do. You are in a tough situation, but the fact that you are looking out for the child says a lot about who you are...I pray that all goes well for you and your child and the future for both of you. Blessings!

opedial

A good home is one filled with love. Poverty alone is not a reason to give up a child. This is your decision, and I am very pro-adoption, but their are many options for you. First of all, yes you can get child support from the father. SEcond, their are likely support groups you can join to meet other mothers in the same situation. Third, you can do thinks like community kitchens and other grass roots family initiatives.

I think you would regret giving your child up. THis is your choice; however, one that will affect you and this child for the rest of your life.

deqa w

your 28 right if you don't want to give your baby for adoption then don't the dad may say that he will fight you for custody but he will have to prove you are a unfit mother and anyways its not like your in your teens and when you give your child up and then have other kids and you are stable you might start to regret it i know a lot of people who have regretted putting their children up for adoption and if you are thinking about giving him up it looks like the father might not sign away his rights and when he is awarded custody he will give the child up do you want your child living with his gran thinking that it is alright hitting woman think about don't rush into things wait until you give birth because you might change your mind and wont always be poor hope you and your Little one are doing well!

mama mia =)

Rebekah is right, if its his, and you put that on your son's birth certificate than by law he has to send you money, but if you dont feel comfortable taking care of this baby or you have major doubts, than maybe you should consider adoption, because that will make it harder on you and the baby. Go to your nearest adoption agency and talk to them and see what they think is the best idea. If you decide to put him up for adoption do an open adoption where you can still be in your sons life, just not as the mom.

karcnr

You are such a great person for considering adoption. It is a very self-less act to put the needs of the baby ahead of your own. I congratulate you for wanting to make the best choice for your baby.

Some may view placing a child for adoption as â€œabandoningâ€ that child. But, adoption â€œis not abandoning your responsibility. Itâ€™s taking more responsibility. It is truly taking care of your own, because youâ€™re saying, â€˜I canâ€™t give this child what he or she needs, but someone else can.â€™ â€

One writer expressed it this way: adoption is â€œnot the abandonment of a baby but an abandonment of self for a babyâ€™s sake.â€

Usually the birth mother chooses the adoptive parents for her child, and she meets them before the birth. Together she and the adoptive family determine the type and frequency of future contact that will work best for them, whether such contact is through letters, photos, or face-to-face visits.

Here is a link to some adoption information. It is all totally free for the birth mom AND dad.

http://www.providentliving.org/ses/birth...

You can Call Toll Free at
1â€“800â€“537â€“2229

They can answer any questions you may have, and will help you regardless of what you choose to do.

Best of luck.

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