Considering placing my baby for open adoption. What kind of questions do I ask potential adoptive parents?

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

whatever you do, don't except an open adoption. you can't enforce it.

grapesgum

Finding good adoptive parents is a crap shoot. You might luck into people who will take good care of your child. From what I have read, you have a less than 50/50 chance that your child will be placed with a couple whose marriage will last. If you want an open adoption, you will have a less than 20% chance that the adoptive parents will keep the adoption open.

Given those statistics, I think the best chances for your baby is for you to go to social services and ask for help to keep your baby.

Oh goodness - run away as fast as you can from LDS. They are being sued left and right for violating the rights of so called "birth" parents.

Added - additional warning - never ever contact people who solicit you on the WEB for your baby (especially Y!A ). Usually, they are people who can't pass agency requirements and are taking short cuts.

Raven

Well you don't have to give the baby up if you ain't tried caring for it so think about the emotional issues you are going to have after giving up the baby.

Camira B

I just want to say that I agree completely with Gaia. I also want you to know that I was "assured" an open adoption as part of a bribe, in contrast to the lies and threats I got. Guess what. I haven't seen my baby since he was 3 days old. Open Adoptions are a sham in my eyes unless you get truly lucky.

BTW, absolutely do not use LDS as the person suggested. They were, unfortunately, my agency and I'm still in court with/over them.

jessica300

I don't know, but it looks like from your other answers that you're good in math! Instead of answering math questions on yahoo maybe you could lay out an Excel spreadsheet on the money you need to keep your son or daughter with you. You know, how much you would get from government support (Welfare, WIC, etc.), what you might rely on from family (coincidentally, this will be your son or daughter's family - grandchild, niece/nephew, etc.) vs what your outgoing expenses are.

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/wish.html
http://motherhelp.info/
http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pdf
http://www.girl-mom.com/
http://www.birthmothers.info/index.html

best of luck

tish

if you are not prepared to be completely cut out of your child's life (even if they promise you an open adoption) then i would not pursue it. although some adoptive parents who uphold open adoption, many don't. and they are not legally enforceable.

also, there is no way to ensure that your baby will get a good home. people are human, lose their jobs, are abusive, alcoholics, get divorced, et al. in other words, these people are not super humans, who are picture perfect. hence, any questions you ask can be answered the way they think you will want.

so...the only question that need to be asked, are to yourself:

1- can i live with never seeing my child again?
2- can i accept the fact that my child might grow up to resent me?
3- can i accept the fact that the adoptive parents can move, close the adoption and not hold up their end of the bargain?
4- can i accept that i might regret this decision, yet can't change it?
5- do i realize that i will not be 16 forever, and that i might be able to find other ways to keep my child?

those who are telling you how easy and loving it is to give up your child have:

1- never been pregnant and delivered a child
2- never placed a child
3- profit from adoption
4- want to adopt a child.

i'd talk to more women who have placed their children (and not just those who work for adoption agencies) about the REAL deal of adoption.

i wish you well.

Doodlestuff

First, realize that no contract giving you rights to an open adoption will be upheld in any court. Any visitation or information you expect to get, even if written down, can be completely ignored by the adopting parents once the adoption is finalized. You NEED to know this because of the farce of open adoption. Yes, there are honorable a-parents, even on this board, but they do not appear to represent a large portion of a-parents.

The first thing you should do is write down what is important to you. Do you want your baby to have siblings or be an only or youngest child? How would you feel if they later had biological children? How supportive are the relatives? Is she going to be a stay-at-home mom or exactly what are her plans while the child is young? How about education? Private, parochial, homeschool, public?

Be cautious of people who come across as too good to be true. Many potential a-parents will tell you whatever they think you want to hear. In addition, watch how the couple react to each other - there are a fair number of couples who stay together just long enough for the adoption to be finalized and then divorce. The marriage only stayed together so that SHE could get the baby. I thought this was just like a made-for-TV movie, but find out it is not rare.

While financial stability is important, remember that many abused children grow up in financially stable homes. Does either potential parent show indications of controlling personalities or intolerance of others?

ali-oop

You need to keep your baby, things may be hard right now but do what ever you have to do to keep your baby. My cousin was adopted and then molested by her adopted dad, you can't guarentee what will happen, find a way to finish school so you can get a good job. My other friend had her baby when we werer 16, she went through some major **** but by time she graduated HS she had started gettting credits in nursing school. Her daughter is 19 now and the dad was never part of the picture, he was an *** hole to her. YOU can do it, be strong!

Mommy of two Boys

I was 15 when i got pregnant with my son, I thought i was way to young to have a baby. But i kept him. i had to work my *** off to support him with out the help of his father in ANY WAY, but we did it and now hes two year old. i think tht u should check out all of ur options b4 u put ur baby up.also check out state programs, the only reason i a sayin this is bc it dosnt seem like u want to give ur baby up. if u want to talk more email me and ill help in any way i can

cmc

I don't think there is anything you are supposed to ask - just whatever matters to you. do you have similar values, do you want ongoing contact with the child, do you want your child to have siblings, do you want your child to go to church (or not), are there things you would love your child to be able to do (hiking, traveling, or whatever you like). I think you should try to find parents you are comfortable with, since they will always be a part of your child's life. Also if you want to maintain a relationship with your child they will be part of your life too.

Also consider if you really think adoption is best for your child. It is easy for me to say it is a good idea given your age and the father is in jail, but I can't really decide that - you are the only one who can. I am an adoptive mom, so I think adoption is great. But I know it must be incredibly hard for the natural mother, and you have to be comfortable with your decision. Also you should know that even if you find a family you like, nothing is final until you sign the papers AFTER the birth. You shouldn't feel pressured to make a final decision until then. It is your baby, and your choice. But once you do sign the relinquishment papers (after the birth) it is final so you need to be sure.

flowergirl

I see you have gotten an overwhelming response to your question... I hope you are able to take what is best for your situation out of everything that has been said.

Perhaps you could ask them those questions that go round and round in your head when you lie in bed at night and think of possibly choosing adoption for your baby. No matter how silly you think they sound, how trivial you're afraid they may sound or what they might think if you ask them... Ask it anyway. If they are truly going to respect you as their child's birthmother forever, no question you could possibly ask should be too small or too silly. From there on out, I would suggest you just follow your heart. It knows you better than you probably know yourself and it will surely guide you in choosing what is best.

As an adoptee, adopted when I was a toddler, I know that if there were two things I could let me birthmother know about me, it would be that my adoptive parents truly do love me unconditionally and that from day one, they instilled in me, love, honor and respect for her (my birthmother). Maybe in the end, those two things are the 'questions' that matter the most.

Best of everything to you in your journey towards motherhood... whether you choose to parent your child or whether you choose adoption, I hope you are able to make the best choice for both of you. If you ever just need someone to talk to or if you have any questions, I'm always here to listen and encourage ~ flower2fotogirl@yahoo.com.

Ashley O

Hi! I know you are in a tough situation. I am 22 years old and I was adopted when I was 1 month old. Recently within the past 3 years I have met my biological mom and dad and all of my half brothers and sisters. After my parents adopted me, they ended up being able to conceive a child of their own. You need to make sure that the parents that might adopt your baby think a lot like you do. Genetics play a huge role in a persons life. You want your baby to grow up with people that are more like him then people that are complete opposite of him. It would make him feel out of place and different So, if you could find a couple who have similar values, beliefs, religion, parenting style etc. as you, it would be helpful. Also, I have always been the odd and awkward one in the family. My mother has shown a lot of favoritism towards my sister (her biological daughter). She ended up not being happy with me. You need to think about if the couple wants to have other children of their own, because if they do. It will be "their children" and they will be naturally prone to accept and be closer with the biological child more because it is their own flesh and blood. I hope this helped somewhat! Take care of yourself!

BLW_KAM

The day I met my daughter's birthmother we were both nervous and scared. She was worried that I'd judge her, I was nervous because the situation was just plain wierd and let's face it, a lot was at stake.

But something happened in the bathroom, a conversation away from the social workers when I told her that I wasn't quite as perfect as I appeared in the "dear birthmother" letter on file at the agency. Something clicked in that bathroom between a teenager and a "30 something" and we both knew, we just knew this was going to work.

We have an open adoption because we wanted one. When my daughter was young we talked on the phone and I sent pictures and videos and we got together once or twice a year. Now that she's nine things have changed. Not only are there still phone calls and visits but we have a MySpace page just for her birth family and my daughter and her sister talk on Skype.

I have read so many negative comments on here and I want you to know there are adoptive parents out there who truly want open adoptions. We aren't afraid of birth families, we don't want to lie to children, we aren't deluded into pretending we gave birth when we didn't, we aren't so possessive that we deny our children what is their God given right ... to know where they came from and to have contact with those whose blood they share.

So ask those prospective parents why they want an open adoptive. Use your judgment to determine if they are telling the truth. Ask them how they will stay in touch and how often. Ask if you be able to visit and how often. Go with your gut and if your gut tells you they are full of BS, then turn the page and move on.

bond...James Bond

This question is difficult. I couldn't possibly answer it without asking you if you really want to have your baby adopted or not? Maybe there are lots of reasons you have for wanting to do this. But that I think should be the first question you ask yourself. All other questions should be asked with a view to ascertain how suitable any prospective parents may be and surely you would be getting some professional help here. Anyway I hope it works out well for you.

MyDallasRealtor

What is important to you? Is the child's discipline, the lifestyle your birth son or daughter will live (Country/city life, stay at home mom vs FT working mom, college vs no plans, etc) important?

Our daughter's birth mom asked us what we were planning to name her, if she could pick out the going home outfit (and she did!), what form of discipline we planned to use, if we were planning college for her, if we'd commit to stay married, if I would promise to be a stay at home mom the first 5 years, etc.

I think talking about what type of adoption you both want is important and having what they call a "heart" contract, too. Know that these are called heart contracts because the parents are honoring a request of yours. Nowadays there are more open adoptions, but there is some abiguity on what that looks like for each person. So be specific! I'd like cards and pictures every 3 months the 1st year then yearly on the child's birthday and 2-3 visits after birth to 18 months. Whatever that looks like to you and be willing to be open to what they have to say as well.

Well, I sure hope that answers some questions for you. I blog occassionally on adoption, so feel free to visit myspace page, it is www.myspace.com/adopt_a_child.

Good luck to you and your baby! What you are doing is a loving and self less act to give the couple your baby and give your baby a forever family-a mom and a dad who will love it with their whole hearts.

Almostdone

First of all choosing to place your baby for adoption is NOT taking the easy way out. I know because I just did and it was the hardest decision I have ever made it my entire life. There is nothing easy about it. Luckily I was able to find the perfect adoptive couple for my baby and I feel very fortunate that I will be able to see my little girl grow up in a secure where environment where she will be loved unconditionally.
I would recommend deciding what would be important to you if you decide to go through with the adoption. Ask whether or not the couple would be willing to do a closed adoption or an open adoption depending on what you want. Most adoptive couples feel so blessed that you have even chosen the talk with them that they'll bend over backwards to keep your best interest in mind during the adoption process.
I would advise you to go through an adoption agency in your state because they have all sorts of requirements that adoptive couples must meet to even be considered. Most agencies will also offer you Birth Mother support and counseling after the adoption takes place.
Remember, you are given every oppourtunity to change your mind and in most states you legally cannot sign any papers until after the baby is born. Don't feel pressured to make any choice just because you've met with a couple. It is your baby and even if you go through with the adoption, he or she always will be.

Dana C

Dear, ask whatever you want to know. even if it is silly. It is important to you.

smm

it's not so much questions you need to worry about, but your gut reaction to the adoptive parent. since it is an open adoption, i would make sure you hash out things like,

how the child will refer to you. does it call you "the birth mother", by your first name, auntie, call you mama and call the adopted parents mommy, that sort of thing.

how much interaction will you have with the child? send cards and pictures, or will you actually get have the child visit you on occasion or visit the child on occasion.

etc.

redheadsdontdye

I am in the process of doing an open adoption, and if you are considering an adoption I really do believe that an open adoption is the best way to go. A lot of people seem to be warning you against it because they think that the adoptive parents will run away with the baby and you'll never see them again. That is a very real fear for birth parents, but keep in mind that the adoptive parents will have the same kind of fears about you, a lot of them have huge irrational fears that the mom will come back and kidnap their biological children in the middle of the night... and the truth is that rarely happens, part of doing an open adoption is building a TRUSTING relationship with the adoptive parents.
I found the most amazing family for my child, i already consider them to be a part of MY family and they consider me to be a part of THEIR family.
Also, I'm not sure where you are from, but in some states (like mine) you CAN enforce a cooperative agreement about visitation that IS legally binding.

Anyway, as far as what kind of questions you should ask... first ask yourself what kind of environment do you want your child to live in? do you want them to be raised into a specific religion? how would you want them to be disciplined? how much interaction do you want to have with your child?

When I first interviewed the family I'm working with I thought that I should have a list of questions right in front of me, I didn't though and I felt at a loss, but I was surprised how they just kind of started talking about themselves and telling me pretty much everything I wanted to know. They made it very easy.

some other questions that might be helpful to ask though are...
how much interaction do the adoptive parents want to have with you? what kind of childhood did the adoptive parents have? how was discipline done in their homes? what kind of relationship do they have with their families? what kind of activities and hobbies do they have? why do they want to be parents? what are they looking forward to about being parents? what are they planning to do for work, will someone be at home with the child, or will the child be placed in daycare?

There are EXTENSIVE interviews and background checks done for adoptive families... they all have to do something called a Home Study, this packet of information will tell you EVERYTHING you could ever want to know about a particular family. So, if you hook up with an open adoption agency, in addition to meeting with the families and interviewing them yourself you can request to have a copy of their Home Study and that will answer any questions you didn't think to ask of yourself.

I know that I could not go through with this adoption if it was a closed adoption, these last nine months have a been a roller coaster ride and having the adoptive parents support has made all of the difference. I wish I could keep my baby more than anything (it really is a HUGE thing bonding with your child, the love a mother has for her child is like nothing else in the world), but i know that I can't give him the life he would want and need. It hurts so much, but i can not be selfish about this, making a decision like this is about putting the baby's needs before yours.

I wish you and your child the best of luck.

jasminetinge

You never have to put your kid up for adoption. Sounds like your taking the easy way out. If you raise it at least you'll know how it will be raised.

Jeany

I am very concerned about the ones saying don't consider open adoption. I am an adoptive parent and know many other that have open adoptions. It is a great option for the child while leaving no mysteries about their past. The more children to love the child the better. Do your parents want contact also? Do you have family that would want to adopt? You are brave and very mature to even consider your child's best interest.

pepper_bogie_2007

I think you should sit down somewhere quiet and seriously consider your options, what you want and what you have to do, what kind of help can you find, if you choose adoption what would you look for in the adoptive parents? I can't imagine what you must be going through. I couldn't imagine having to make such a decision by yourself and at such a young period in your life. Think about what you want for your baby. My husband and I have been wanting to adopt for a little over a year. We were about to receive a newborn baby boy, but the mother decided to keep him. It was devastating to us, but it is what she thought this was best for the baby. While our hearts are broken, that's all that really matters. What's best for the baby.

Young single mothers raise children on their own all the time, but some can't do it. I am praying for you and I hope that you make the best choice for your child and for yourself. Remember, that you have many options. Adoption is definitely one of them. There are so many couples in the world such as me and my husband who are unable to have children of their own and have so much love to give a child, you just have to figure out if that is what you want.

Please keep in touch. If you need someone to talk to I am more than happy to oblige. I hope you find your way on this journey.

Amber B

There are many resources that can help you if you choose to raise your child yourself. However, if you feel it's in the best interest of the child to be placed for adoption, this is a highly honorable and selfless act... which shows how much you love this child. I would highly recommend you seek out an agency that can help you with the process. It is always best to have a third party (agency) mediate the process for you. This will help ensure the baby gets a good home because agencies require adoptive parents to undergo screenings and home studies. If you have a couple in mind, see if they are already with an agency and go from there.

sizesmith

Talk to a counselor at a local pregnancy resource center, so you can be better educated about adoption processes, and about how you might have other options besides adoption.

First of all, you are in control. If you want to look in every drawer of a prospective family's house, you have the right. If they don't let you, don't let them adopt. You have a right to see their home study, meet them, interview them, talk to extended future family members, and get to know them well enough to know if they'd allow an open adoption to happen. If you have any doubts, don't do the adoption. Even after the baby is home, and you come to realize that in some way, you realize it's best to place the baby, then do it. Know the laws for your state. Our state has 10 days to back out of an adoption. Some states only have 24 hours, and some have up to 31 days.

How would you like your child to be raised? Do you want it to have parents of a certain race, or married for a certain amount of years. Do you want him/her to be an only child, or to have brothers or sisters? Do you want him/her to have cousins, grandparents nearby? You can pick a family based on several options. You can even pick a family based on something like they both have medical jobs.

Adoptive families must have home studies done, to make sure that they don't have criminal backgrounds, that they have thought and planned about adoption, and that they realize that this is a permanent committment on their part. Open adoption is not enforceable in many states, so interview the families and make sure you have identifying information. You can even ask that your attorney be given a copy of their social security cards and driver's license, to make sure that you can contact them in the future. You'll probably have to get the consent of the father, or in many states, if he doesn't register under the punitive father registry, he'll be denied any rights. Check with an attorney. Legal aid has some that can help you.

There are also ways of finding potential adoptive parents. Hospital social workers often know of local places, attorneys have many resources, and pregnancy resource centers can help also. Good luck, no matter what you decide to do!

Mikey

Watch Juno.

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