Could a mother response to "I'm pregnant" weigh heavily in a womans decision to place?

Possum

Our children look up to us - and look to us for answers to their problems. (well - except for some of those times thru the teenage years! LOL)
But seriously - we are their main caregivers - and we are their mentors.
As parents, we hold incredible power over our children.
Most, when we say jump, will say - 'How high?'
(some may even make out that they aren't interested in our opinion - but deep down - they are - they WANT to impress and do the right thing)
Too many babies have been given away - because grandmothers thought about their own feelings - rather than that of their own children - or they didn't convey the 'right' feelings - before it's all too late.
My adoption happened because of my grandmother - as did my older sister's.
I know too many relinquishing mothers that can attribute their final decisions to their mothers.
I think we, as parents, need to realise the power we hold.
And you're right - too many things these days go unsaid.
Feelings and emotions need to be laid out on the table.
Sure - say that you're worried and concerned - but explain that they'll your worries about the future - NOT your feelings directly about your child.
People survive having babies.
Anyone can do anything - if they put their mind to it.
Children take on their parents worries - and internalise them.
More open and honest talk is what is required.

Good question.

snowwillow20

Yes, it does. I remember telling my mom and she had no feeling, she didn't yell or say don't worry we can deal with this or anything. My mom is a somewhat cold person. I try not to blame the adults in my life but I know things could have been better.

TotalRecipeHound

I think if the family is supportive of helping the girl parent her child, they should TELL her so.

grapesgum

Yes, it does depend on the mother's (and father's) reaction. I have read blogs from first mothers who have lamented that they would have had the confidence to parent their children only if one single person had told them that they would be good mothers. Instead, women in crises pregnancies are flooded with statistics that single mothers are failures, that a child is better off being given away to be raised by richer strangers, and that they need to be able to buy thousands of dollars of baby clothes and equipment to be good mothers.

The person who is in the best position to support and mentor a new mom-to-be is her mother. Cripes - my husband and I were 30 yo, had a new house, and were in a financial position for me to be a SAM - yet I was scared to death when I was anticipating my first-born. My mom was the one person who told me that I had all of the qualities to be a great mother.

How the heck else can we learn to be good mothers if our own mothers do not mentor and encourage us? It is important regardless of the age or financial status of the mommie-to-be.

LaraSue

I think every situation is different. What happens in my family may not be the best thing for your family.
My daughter and I talked a lot when she finally told me she was pregnant. I told her we would raise the baby if that is what she wanted. I told her we would support any decision she made. Ultimately it was her decision to place.
Does that make me a bad mother or grandmother? I don't think so. She did what she thought was best for her baby.

snow flake

Yes, it's so important.

When I told my amom that I was pregnant (and unmarried) at twenty-two, the first thing out of her mouth was, "I always knew that you would do this to me." WTF?! What, exactly was I doing to YOU, Mom?
The second thing she said was, "Well, you'll just have to get an abortion." As if there was no discussion. She never asked what I wanted to do at all, and when I said I wouldn't have an abortion, she told me, "You'll never be able to handle raising a baby on your own."

For years after that, if I ever said anything about how difficult it is to be a mother, she would throw it in my face, "And you thought it was going to be sooooo easy."
Being a good little adoptee, I just sat there and took it, not wanting to make any waves, until finally, after listening to that shite for twelve years, I said to her, "Look Mom, she's twelve, and she's fine. Give it a rest already!" My Mom didn't talk to me the rest of the day. That's what I got for finally sticking up for myself, the silent treatment. Real mature, Mom.

So, to answer your question, what a mother says, and doesn't say, makes a huge difference. I kept my baby, but if I had wavered a little, or been just a little younger, I probably would have ended up with an abortion or maybe placing my child for adoption. And she certainly did absolutely nothing to help my self-esteem and totally undermined my confidence to be a good mother to my daughter.

Cam

Good question.

I absolutely think a mother's response or reaction could weigh heavily. Not only to her decision whether or not to adopt but throughout the entire experience.

When not to over-react or react compassionately is one of the toughest parts of being a parent.

That's a big one and I think all parents should prepare themselves should an unplanned pregnancy happen to their daughter.

Freckle Face

Hmmmm. Yes, i can see that. Never really thought about it thou. I love my children and they have my support no matter what. Being a teen mother isn't the worst thing that could happen. Its not like she's an ax murderer. I just couldn't live with myself knowing that i pushed or influenced my daughter to make a decision that she will later regret. It just has to be her decision. I'm not going anywhere, they know that. I often tell them there is nothing they could do to make me love them any less.

Really? Well, what if i WERE an ax murder? I would love you the same, I would be seriously disappointed, and i would bring you cookies when i visit you in jail . Kids. lol

momof3boys

Whenever the mother or even the father have negative comments or mention adoption or make the daughter feel like she would be without support then the teenager usually thinks about adoption more yes but not always. If the mother is willing to help her daughter raise the baby and is very supportive chances are the daughter will keep the baby. It does seem like family pressure can play a large part on a girls decision to either keep her baby or give it up or even have an abortion. Of course pushing a teenage girl to far and being unsupportive could also lead to her running away to raise the baby or moving in with the babies daddy or his family to say "I don't need you anyways" which can turn out bad so I guess it really could go different ways. The best thing to do in my opinion is to let a teenage daughter know that while you are dissapointed and was hoping she would wait to have a baby that you love her no matter what and you are there for her no matter what. Then if she makes the decision for adoption it will be based on her feelings not the family. I just feel like those forced into giving their child up for adoption because of family are more likely to want to fight to get their child back or they will battle more depression as a result but if it is her decision and she has a supportive family backing whichever decision she makes then she can handle the adoption better if she chooses that route.

Santa's Lil' Helper

If this had happened to me and I told my mom and she seemed liked helping me wouldn't be an option I would be devestated and sure that would to some degree affect my decision.

Mom is the first person most girls and woman turn to for advice...to be rejected would be a powerful blow.

Sophie

Could a mother response to "I'm pregnant" weigh heavily in a womans decision to place? YES

Does the lack of enthusiasm and input make the mother come across as not wanting her child to parent? PROBABLY

Even if she is just trying to be unbiased and non-pressuring, but realy does want to help her raise the baby? PROBABLY

If the grandmother of the baby is willing to do what ever it takes to keep the family together, then shouldn't she express that to her daughter? YES. PARENTS ARE OBLIGATED TO TRY TO TEACH THEIR CHILD WHAT'S RIGHT-THAT'S WHAT A PARENT DOES.

What do you think? MY ANSWERS ARE IN CAPS ABOVE.

yes, I think so as long as it does not become a pattern of the grandma raising all the kids

sizesmith

When a girl is young, and finds out she is pregnant, she is looking to her mother for advice, and unfortunately, so many mothers don't tell the daughter the truth, and many young moms end up being parents rather than placing their babies for adoption, because the mother/parents insisted and sometimes threatened. Sometimes, the young woman can't deal with being a parent, and surely doesn't want to be raised as her baby's sister, and it can screw up a young woman's entire life. Hopefully, the mother can be non-judgemental, supportive no matter what the outcome becomes, and never a bully.

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