Dealing with your unhappy adult adoptee...?

Freckle Face

Dear Maybe,

If one of my daughters came to me saying she has feelings of displeasure with adoption......

I would take it seriously. I would ask her to sit down and explain her feelings to me. I would listen to her and validate her feelings. Adoption did NOT happen to me, it happened to my daughters. So what my daughter's feel has way more validity in my eyes.

I would ask how i could support her or if i could help her in anyway. If she wanted to protest adoption, I'd be there helping her picket. I need to love and support my children through adoption and their feelings. Adoption may have happened to them, but as long as i live they will never walk alone. I will always be on their side. There is no wrong or right side.....where ever they are.....I will be there supporting them.....no strings attached.

Linny G

They will come here and say there is no such thing as an "unhappy adoptee";
that they are their adopted child's "most favorite person in the world",
that they have "no interest in finding their biological family, because they didnt want them in the first place, so they dont consider them their family"

that they are grateful that their parents took them in and loved them as their own

that they successfully raised an adopted child, and "that it CAN be done"

that Moses was a successful adoption story

that there was no coercion in getting their child

that a poor homeless pregnant girl at a bar just offered them her baby, so what else could they do but take the child in & their child does NOT want to associate with a bar tramp....

.....most likely.

Or maybe, they will be like some of the awesome a p's here (and there are a FEW who get it) and say they are happy their child wants to know their truth and as their parent, they love and support their child and are NOT threatened at all because they know their child loves them.

***********EDITED TO ADD FOR SCHOOL NURSE*****

She considers me her favorite person in the world and values my opinions and I value HERS. We both know a number of adoptees and she is close friends with two other young adopted women and NONE of these young ladies suffer with the negative issues discussed here. I have never heard (in real life) a negative opinion on adoption before I started reading this forum.
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AmFukIZlIqBU2eIupCBetQLsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20081213182519AAlS8Z1&show=7#profile-info-KTMnVEWOaa

So today, you say she did have issues : "Well, in 20 years my daughter will be 50 years old. I reacted by getting her the help that she needed at the time--her early teens. She has a pretty good grasp on the details and understanding her adoption and has worked thru the issues regarding her adoption (at 13 years). Do you think that it is impossible to work thru the issues?? Do you think that the only option is to be unhappy (or just unknowingly in "adoption fog")?? Do you think it is imppossible to get past this? She is not an unhappy 30 year old and I doubt she will be an unhappy 50 year old regarding her adoption.It seems that there are people (only on this forum) who will NOT be happy until ALL adoptees are UNHAPPY about their adoption. I guess misery loves company. Whatever other explanation could there be???

Make up your mind. Adoption affects every adoptee. "Misery loves company?" That's such a lame statement. While people find comfort that they are not the only ones who feel a certain way, they also try to help themselves.

For you to call us "miserable", "unhappy" or "ungrateful" would be the same as us calling all a p's "greedy baby thieves", "liars" and "infertile creeps who want to lie and think their children came from their bodies and never want to know their real moms". Oh snap. Hurts, huh?

Independ"ant"

"It seems that there are people (only on this forum) who will NOT be happy until ALL adoptees are UNHAPPY about their adoption. I guess misery loves company. Whatever other explanation could there be???"

How about people will not settle for the criminal or unethical actions within adoption until its stops.
Its inhumane to ignore it or to try and force others to believe its in their best interest. That is really sick, demented and harmful.

What your hearing is "resilience"....that should be praised/nurtured and not dismissed/discounted.

sweetjane

I will support him, of course....as I too am unhappy with the concept of adoption in 99% of the cases. Unfortunately for my child, he didn't have much of a choice.....but I will support him in every way, champion his rights, and encourage fostering relationships with his natural family.
<<foster to adopt mommy
ETA: Ladenmom: As I stated, I am not against adoption, I am against the concept of adoption in 99% of the cases. Since I believe all children should remain with their parents unless there are serious problems/risks to that child, obviously, my stance is that only those children should be adopted/adoptable. Since the vast majority of children being adopted are NOT in serious risk from their natural parents, I am against those adoptions.

Mei-Ling

I Love A Child With Autism!!!

Support them and their feelings and do whatever I can to back them up. I can totally see that they can HATE adoption, but still love us...my blinders have been removed. Hell, after reading up on it the last few months...I don't like adoption practices at all. That doesn't mean I am not happy that I adopted, because of my children, but I see that a change is needed desperately! I want them to speak their minds regardless of what side of the fence they are on about adoption.

They will also see me taking a stand and doing what I can do to help reform. Although they are too small to accompany me, I will be in Philly next year because I am lucky enough to be an hour away. WooHoo!

SJM

In response to, "I'm still trying to figure out what an adoptive parent would say if the adoptee resolves these issues by choosing to dislike adoption, rather than embrace it.", it's not an issue between my adoptive parents and I at all.

My first adoptive mother, whose name is on my birth certificate, died when I was 15, so I don't know what issues she may have had, but it's not an issue with my dad and step-mom. The last time we discussed it was several years ago. My dad wanted to make sure he hadn't done something wrong. I assured him it had nothing to do with him, and he was good with that. He's not a fair weather only parent. He doesn't define his ability to parent through my opinion of a legal process.

aloha.girl59

I am hopeful that he won't have to do that because laws about open records will have changed!

But if my son is unhappy because his records are still sealed or any other reason, I will help him do whatever it takes to change the laws. In fact, I want to do more NOW so that he doesn't have to deal with sealed records and lack of his OBC when he is older.

My son will be 8 next month and is already aware that his first mother was unable to take care of him, though he doesn't know the details. I don't feel that he is old enough yet to take it all in and he hasn't asked for details...yet. I hope that he is never unhappy that I am his mother by adoption...only that he wasn't able to be raised by his natural family. That's not an oxymoron, by the way. I believe that my son can be sad about not knowing/being raised by his first family and still love me and think of me as his mother!

Anyone know what I can do to help the cause NOW? I am pro-adoptee rights and want to help if I can. I know about the rally in Philadelphia next year but probably won't be able to attend as we live more than 5000 miles away and plane tickets are expensive. But if there's something I can do on a local level, I'd love to know! Thanks.

Jennifer L

Good question. I've asked myself this one before.

I would continue to love and support my children. I get that adoptees can dislike the institution (for lack of a better word) of adoption and still not reject their adoptive parents.

Kazi

My husband and I are fostering an open atmosphere in our home where they know that despite their youth they still have a voice in our home are entitled to an opinion. This is of course very different to how we grew up where you believed whatever your parents told you to believe. I am hoping because of this they will feel comfortable talking about their feelings regarding adoption while they grow up instead of waiting until they are adults. If they have negative feelings regarding being adopted I can't say it would come as a huge shock. My daughter never would have asked to be left behind? My son never asked to be abused by the one woman who should have loved him the most? I would support their feelings and if they wished to turn that passion into advocacy then I would support them with that too. Personally, if my children followed their hearts because they felt it would make the world for adoptees a little bit better, then honestly, I would not feel threatened by that, in fact I would be proud as that takes a strong sense of self and esteem. And instilling confidence in our children is something my husband and I are deeply committed too.

DevonChaos

I am adopted, but my kids aren't. I know that someday they will protest something I've done while raising them, and I'll listen with open ears, state why I did something, and why I thought it was best. If they decide that's not good enough, I'm certainly not going to try to invalidate their feelings.
My mother did invalidate my feelings about adoption my whole life, so starting from when I started questioning... if you were to flash forward 20 years, I would have learned to stop talking to my parents about it at all. My mother is no help to me with this subject, and therefore I either keep it in, or talk to someone who actually cares.
I dislike the way my adoption was handled. I think my parents know more about the situation than they let on, and that slays me. Keeping secrets for 30+ years... I couldn't take it, and I don't know how its not eating away at them. But then again, they got what they wanted... sort of.

Obias

I read your question a couple times and what I get is you're asking what if any adult adoptee has gone through troubling discoveries and experiences throughout his/her life, that they refuse to support something that has done them harm, such as adoption. Is that right? Please correct me if I'm wrong.

I know your question is for adoptive parents, so I'll try and answer from my a-parents perspective. By the way, I'm 20 and adopted so since I've become old enough to talk about starting a family, I've noticed that my parents don't exactly encourage me about anything adoption-related and to be truthful, I can't imagine them ever saying something to the extent of, "You yourself should one day adopt" because of my own past. I think they wouldn't want me to go through the position of being the "adoptive parent" despite the fact I'm an adoptee.

On the complete other hand, I've always had it in my mind to adopt, for the typical obvious reasons. I'd like to have that special relationship with a child who was also adopted. This could partly be because I never got to share feelings with another adopted child when I was young. Is this notion selfish? I don't know.

Tara

I think that's okay, in fact I think it's natural. I think when you finally become an adult your perspective can change, or even--you're ability to vocalize the feelings you are feeling to another.

It's easy for adoptees to find negative feelings about adoption because of the constant 'what if' question. I would encourage your adoptee to talk to you openly about it. And perhaps help him/her understand why you made the decision you made to adopt. Communication will be the only way to resolve his/her problems of resentment, and to help you (the adoptive parent) understand why he/she suddenly decided to become vocal about issues he/she has probably help to themselves for so long.

I think you could use this as a very positive step towards strengthening your relationship.

Serenity71

I'm not going to decide for my kids what their "issues' will be relating to adoption. I'm not branding them to be trouble people needing therapy because of it. What parent would do that to their kids. Label them in such a way and put the thoughts into their little brains that they must feel 'troubled and ruined' because of adoption.

If they have a question or a issue along the way I'm sure we'll talk about it. If they hate being adopted, that's their choice. Along the way I'm sure they will hate it at one point. Every person growing into an adult questions events in their life, why should they be any different.

Adoption isn't their whole life, just part of it.

Star

My advice may not be the advice to take on this subject, because I'm not adopted and I don't have any adopted siblings or anything, but here's how I feel: It's perfectly natural for an adoptee to be mad at their adoptive parents and say things like "but you're not my real mother!" I think though, you have to remind them that their real mother trusted YOU, their legal mother and the mom who raised them, to take care of him or her and should be grateful for your parenting...does that make sense?

School Nurse

Well, in 20 years my daughter will be 50 years old. I reacted by getting her the help that she needed at the time--her early teens. She has a pretty good grasp on the details and understanding her adoption and has worked thru the issues regarding her adoption (at 13 years). Do you think that it is impossible to work thru the issues?? Do you think that the only option is to be unhappy (or just unknowingly in "adoption fog")?? Do you think it is imppossible to get past this? She is not an unhappy 30 year old and I doubt she will be an unhappy 50 year old regarding her adoption.

It seems that there are people (only on this forum) who will NOT be happy until ALL adoptees are UNHAPPY about their adoption. I guess misery loves company. Whatever other explanation could there be???

ETA: mommy x2--.....as opposed to NOT dealing it when the questions come up and letting her become an unhappy adult?? I'd never let that happen.
You comment to me says volumes though, about why you feel the way you do.

maybe--that was part of the process--Not about adoption in general but about HER adoption--as it pertained to HER. It wasn't overnight but she still worked thru it.

Linny, take a chill pill! That statement "misery loves comfort" was for people who refuse to believe that some adoptees ARE happy, not in a fog, or can resolve their issues. For people who insist that all adoptees DO or eventually WILL have serious adoption issues in their lives.

Yahoo Robot

Well, I really can't imagine someone in their twenties throwing that kind of tantrum. By then they'd probably understand the alternative would be abortion. Fortunately, babies who have been aborted can't grow up to voice their displeasure with the concept of "abortion."

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