Did having a baby change your perception of adoption?

Freckle Face

Hi Cruzgirlz,

Awesome question.

Yes it did.

I did feel empathy for DD's mother. I remember questioning her "Are you sure?" I was crying along side of her. I did not experience a happy happy feeling when we took DD home. I knew there was a woman in great pain.

Now once i experienced giving birth to a live child, everything changed. I realized the depth of the situation. You might say the gravity of it all. I am not kidding when i say i live with guilt. I do. So from this i try to raise DD respect her mother, to love her, and honor her. I commit myself to always keeping the lines of communication open at least on our end. They are just little things but they are all i can do when M. is not currently open to seeing/communication with DD.

With the second adoption, i was relieved when we ended up in the African program. I had assumed with the devastation of aids that our child would truly be an orphan. I assumed that DD would be a child truly in need of parents. I assumed wrong. When we were matched, i was shocked that DD's Father is very much alive. What do you do then? Refuse the child because one of her parents are still living?

I tell you, adoption is a complicated mess. I would not wish my guilt on my worst enemy. My husband has recently said he would like to adopt again. I refuse. Not unless the child is a teenager from foster care.

I Love A Child With Autism!!!

Yes it did. I gave birth after adopting two children. I don't think before that I really understood, even a little bit, how devastating it was for our daughters natural mothers to give them up. I didn't understand the bond formed the second you find out you are expecting. I would have given my life for my child from the second I heard her heartbeat. I adored her and couldn't wait for her to be in my arms...I can't even imagine what a mother feels when they feel their child inside of them and they know that they are going to be leaving the hospital empty handed. I have talked to my daughters natural mom about it, so I had heard it in words, but after having my daughter...I felt it with my heart!!!

Looking back, I don't know if I would be able to adopt again. I know that I am in no way responsible for my daughters being separated from their mothers...that was out of my hands, but just knowing the pain they felt breaks my heart just to think about.

Freckle Face,
Complicated Mess...Perfect...I Love It!!!

Lillie

Oh most definitely. Before I had kids, I was just fine and dandy with the "she gave you up because she loved you" b.s.

After having kids, I just couldn't understand how anyone could give away their own baby, not knowing who would be caring for her, just blindly handing off your child to strangers and putting your trust in, what? That some nice looking wealthy people could possibly love your child more than you?

There's no way in hell I ever would. No way in HELL.

DevonChaos

Yes. The moment that my own baby was placed in my arms, I couldn't help but wonder if my own mother who gave me up 20-something years before had even had the chance to do so. I wonder at which point I was taken. I wondered about all kinds of things, every time I would do something for my baby, I wondered if she got the chance to do anything with me before I was taken and given to the foster mother who kept me until I was adopted. I can't imagine that at any point from then until now, that I could have given up my child. The mere thought brings tears to my eyes and puts a deep ache in my heart.
I am now the proud mother of 5 children, all biologically mine. Each one has deepened my feelings of sorrow that I have for the mother who gave me up over 30 years ago. I think about her every day and wonder if she thinks of me. She has 5 beautiful grandchildren that she might not even know exist.

I can't fathom how giving up a child feels, and this was proved time and again with the birth of my own babies.

Heather B

Oh yes. That was a turning point for me. A point at which I had to find my natural mother and let her know what became of her baby.

The bond between my babies and I both in the womb and after they were born had a huge impact on me in terms of how I perceived adoption - I couldn't fathom ever being separated from these little beings who needed me.

I also imagined how my babies would feel if I were to disappear and felt the distress I must have felt when my own mother disappeared.

Prior to that I had wanted to know the truth of my origins but at the same time parotted what society wanted to hear as a the happy adoptee with no issues. I was operating from a false self. It feels good to be me now and rooted in who I really am.

magic pointe shoes

Yes. Up until the day I gave birth, adoption was happy go lucky win win positive thing. Also women who gave birth and chose relinquishment were selfless people.

Then I gave birth to my son and relinquished him for adoption and felt my whole life screech to a halt in what felt like a full on crash into a brick wall.

Adoption has real life consequences and is not a win win happy go lucky thing at all. I wish more people saw that depth of emotional consequence.

amyburt40

Yes. I would not give up a child nor would I adopt a child. The reasoning is that I do not want what was done to me done to another child.

tish

-yes. -it wasn't until after giving birth that my son became real; and there was no effing way he was going to raised by anyone else.

Penny A (Vanessa)

Did having a baby change my perception of adoption? I can't say as I haven't had a pregnancy since. Did adoption change my percepction of having a baby? Probably. I have a deep fear of pregnancy and childbirth and have never wanted to go through a pregnancy ever again. I don't know why.

Independ"ant"

I would say its enhancing my personal perceptions on adoption and that natural mothers need more support to prevent infant adoptions.

I would also say it is changing my view a bit on the bonds between a father and child. My fiance is driving me nuts. He's acting like I'm handicapped or fragile and if he could have his way I would be on constant bed rest. I'm trying to get used to him constantly talking to and touching my stomach.

I haven't even given birth yet but I'm pregnant and possibly having twins (it runs in my family) and the bond my fiance and I feel with this/these babies is indescribable.

I am more convinced now then ever that infant adoption needs reform. A mother should be given all the support she needs during pregnancy and encourage to bond with the baby after she gives birth. I'm greatly saddened that this isn't happening with women that are considering placing children.

This of coarse will go against the current adoption business.

k4yjo

Absolutely!! Im adopted myself and previously had always felt 'an understanding' towards my natural Mother. She was having an ongoing affair with a married man, he had 3 children with his wife and i was the 5th baby he had conceived with my birth mother, he told her to 'get it adopted'. My birth mother had given one of my brothers up for adoption previously when he was 6 months old and disliked the Social workers and system (although things were different then). For that reason when she became pregnant with me she never saw a doctor, although her friends and family were aware she was pregnant she had told them she 'wasn't keeping it' yet she had not arranged this with anyone. She ignored the pregnancy and continued to smoke and drink. Only going to the hospital once she was in labour, when i was born she refused to look at me or hold me, she told the nurses she didn't want 'it' and wasn't taking 'it' home. Eventually the social workers came and took me away, i was fostered by my brothers adopted parents and then adopted.
Once i was old enough i traced her and met her and my other siblings, though she told be she had thought about me everyday she didn't seem that bothered or interested in me, i felt somewhere in the back of her mind for her i still didn't exist.
When i married and became pregnant i was overjoyed, yet it was also such emotional turmoil, right from the day i conceived my baby was part of me. The bond between myself and my baby shocked me to the core and i could not possibly understand how anyone could put their own feelings and fears over that of a babies health. I have 2 children and neither pregnancy or birth was easy, i suffered a lot, and then got post natal depression, perhaps the new found anger for my birth mother played a part in that, maybe it didn't, i don't know.
I am disabled due to complications when i was born, theres a strong possiblity that something could have been done had they known, my birth mother acknowledges that and shrugs. Im not bitter, you get what life deals you and i cope well.
Im not against adoption at all, i have had a wonderful life because of it. Most Mothers that chose to give up their children go through a terrible time, like a bereavement, and i know thats how i would feel. But until i had a baby i wasn't aware that my mother didn't feel that way, she gave birth, gave me up, then got on with her life. Before i had children i thought that was fair enough, she'd made a decision that was good for both of us. The bit about her not getting medical attention when pregnant didn't really occur to me as being that important.
What changed my perception was the X factor, that magical something that is only there between a baby and its mother from the second they are conceived, once i experienced and felt that i could never ever understand how anyone could feel a baby kicking and moving inside of them and not feel that need to protect and want to make sure they are ok. I understand for some maybe part of that protection involves giving them up for adoption. I just don't understand my birth mother.

div2wice

Yes, actually it did. I didn't want children... now I have 4. Before having my babies I would've never adopted. It just didn't appeal to me... it was a bit "odd", the thought of raising another persons child, going through the emotional roller coaster of finding and adopting a child, etc.
Now that I have my babies, I would adopt in a heartbeat. Watching my children grow made me realize that all children are special and deserve a happy and safe life. Being a mom has made me a bit more soft :) More understanding and sensitive to children without homes...My heart now aches for those poor babies and children who are waiting for a home. I would love to give any one of them a home where they could feel loved and most importantly, safe.

littleJaina

Absolutely! I was terrified before my son was born that a person could never really love an adopted child like their own. I'd seen people do it, but I'd always felt "different" about my adopted brothers than I did my biological ones. I was never sure as a kid whether this was because of their MR (mental retardation) or because they weren't blood kin.

I was raising (and trying to adopt) my stepdaughter when my son was born. I couldn't imagine loving anyone more than her, but how could i know...

Then the baby came and - I loved him. I loved him very much, but not an ounce more than I loved my little princess. When I was so overwhelmed I honestly thought raising them both was impossible, it was the infant I'd born I considered "giving away".

I have to admit though, that I didn't feel any particular prebonding with my son in the womb. Oh, I loved him before he was born, but it was more like loving the idea of a child. It wasn't HIM I loved. When he was born, there was nothing about him that reminded me of the squirming thing in my belly for the last 9 months. While I'd named him as soon as we found out the gender, and loved him dearly in the womb, he was still a total stranger when he came out. I had to learn who he was and bond with him then. I really don't understand all this womb bonding that people talk about. I suppose, for me, it was only my son's body that was being grown inside mine. His soul was still up in heaven until he was actually born. It's his soul I am bonded to, not his body.

Amanda

It made me feel even more empathy for couples who struggle to have children.

Dreamweaver ILF posse 2009

ok...wow I give up a lot of myself here!! :)
I'm an adoptee, BIRTH mom, mom, step mom. I've also chosen not to give birth twice. Yes, the OTHER "A" word.
After my son was born i immediately had post partum. I had never guessed I would because I wanted him so very badly. Mine was a bit different tho-I became soooo overprotective his own father wasn't allowed to "babysit" him. I went back to work when he was 5 wks old and had not put him down in 5 weeks. He is 11 now and only stopped sleeping with me once or twice a week about 2 years ago. I'm still quite protective.
Now, did it change my perception of adoption? No. I still think when the choice is made-CHOICE being the operative word-that its a good thing...

Dana B

Nope, not at all. I have two beautiful sons of my own and am currently expecting my third son. I still am a firm believe in adoption. I think its wonderful and a great thing. There are plenty of families out there who cant have children and would love to adopt a baby or child.

coolwoman27

No.

sanriolover

Why do most of the answers here seem like they don't like adoption? that's weird as this is in the ADOPTION section.

People seem to just think and write of the negative sides to adoption, they don't put the positives, like the kid will have a better life instead of being sick and full of disease ( if the case may be).

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