Did your parents talk a lot about your birth mom?

sunny

She was "the woman who gave birth to you" in my house. No, she was rarely mentioned.

Why would she be brought up? Not like there's any NEW information is a closed adoption. She was 'as if' dead.

Linny G

They did not talk about her because, sadly, they knew nothing of her. My adoption was as closed as closed could be. Even my non-identifying information was falsified. They also did not talk about my adoption, because that's what the agency (Catholic "Charities") told them to do, so I cannot really hold them entirely responsible.

I thought of her every day of my life, I still do. I hated my birthdays, as that was the day I lost her. It was hard to pretend to be happy for everyone during my birthday parties, but I managed to pull it off. I have not allowed anyone to have a birthday party for me since I was 16 years old, though. In my mind, I shared every occasion of my life with her. whether it was when I lost my first tooth, got my first period, or was broken hearted over a boy. Everything.

If my adoption had been discussed freely, I would not have been so consumed with thoughts of her. Yes, I would have still missed her, but being able to verbalize that fact would have been easier on me. I also would NOT feel as guilty. But, my family loved me, and ultimately, they were happy I found my first family. There is enough love to share.

aloha.girl59

I'm an AP. I hope it's OK if I answer this question.

My son is 8. He was adopted through foster care when he was 2-1/2 and had been removed from his mother's care when they were still in the hospital after his birth. I only know a little bit about her -- things that were in his history and that his social worker told me, and now some more information I just received in his non-identifying information paperwork.

I talk about my son's first mother as often as it comes up naturally in conversation. For example, I know that she loves cats. I am allergic to them so we don't own a cat, but my son is particularly fond of them. On occasion he'll stop to pet a cat or he'll point one out as we're driving, etc. I will then say something like, "You get your love of cats from your first mom. She loves them too." My son doesn't mention his first mother often, but I expect that will change as he gets older. I feel like if I talk about her openly and don't make it seem like I'm jealous (I'm not), then he won't feel badly about mentioning her. Apparently I'm on the right track because we had the following conversation just today:
Son - "Mom, when I was a baby, did you...did my mom drop me?"
Me - "No, why?" (Knowing what was coming; I played along)
Son - "Then why do I have a crack in my butt?"

I believe that is the first time in more than five years (how long he has lived with me) that my son has mentioned his first mother without asking a direct question about her! I was very happy to know that he doesn't seem afraid to talk about her in front of me.

cruzgirlz3

We spoke of her now and then. Back "in the day" people didn't know ANYTHING and they were not supposed to know anything. However, my parents were always willing to tell me my story as they knew it which was very little. In spite of that, I wanted to hear that story over and over. I loved hearing it.

I did not think of her on a daily basis though, just from time to time, particularly around my birthday. There was a time in my early twenties when I never thought of her, I was just caught up in my life. Having my own kids changed that. I have thought of her much more since then.

kateiskate

They never talked about her. Maybe that is one of the reasons she never existed to me in my mind.

It is so painful to me to miss her so much, but not be able to share that pain with them for fear of hurting their feelings.

chocolatine

In my case, everything that could go wrong did go wrong. My adoption was a big family secret, and I was made to feel very guilty whenever I brought up my adoption or my biological parents. I grew up thinking I had to do everything in my power to please my adoptive parents because I was afraid they would disown me. I had top grades in school and was very athletic, a real overachiever , but as a teen, I felt so anxious all the time, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. I had to receive professional help from a psychologist. It helped me a lot, but my parents felt very threatened by what was being discussed behind closed doors. My mother felt most threatened. She would say things like : "let go of the past, look to the future". In a way, she was aknowledging that something very wrong happened in the past even though she would never admit to it. I always knew that "the past" had nothing to do with my adoption but everything to do with by upbringing and my abuse. Years later, I gathered enough courage to find my biological mother. This was the greatest gift I ever received. The worst happened though : my greatest fear as a child became a reality, except it happened when I was old enough to deal with it, which is a good thing. I was 40 years old when I lost my adoptive family. It took years of being tormented and called "crazy" over and over again, but I finally had to make the most difficult decision of my life and cut all ties with them. I still cannot believe what happened to me. I hope it is very very rare.

BOTZ

"Did your [a]-parents talk a lot about your birth mom?"

No. Not at all. Never.

"If your parents did talk to you about her - how often did they?"

My a-parents and I only ever discussed her after I found her (when I was 32 years old).

"Did you think of her often while growing up?"

Almost every day from age 10 on. Very often before that -- starting at age 4 or earlier as best I can remember.

"Do you think your parents talking about her or not talking about her made had an impact on how often you thought about her?"

I don't really know. I never thought about that. I feel like it had more to do with how they treated me (abusively, hatefully) and how odd, freakish, and broken I felt than anything. I just wanted my Mom -- the one I believed LOVED me and would accept me as I was -- freakish and all.

"Would you feel guilty bringing up the topic?"

I have rarely felt any guilt whatsoever when it came/comes to my a-parents. Do you feel guilty when you slice bread? Crack an egg? Throw out the trash? It's about like that to me -- void, empty, nothing.

Kiki

There wasn't much to say as they didn't know much about her. If I brought it up or had questions they'd talk about it. What's funny, it never really occurred to me that I had a biological father until I was in my tweens. lol

SJM

My a mom and I discussed her several times. She didn't know much, but she was willing to talk about her and the adoption thing for hours if I wanted to. I never felt as if it was a taboo subject. I certainly never felt disloyal or guilty for bringing it up. That really mystifies me. If people have assumed the role of parents, why would they want to limit conversation like that?

The only thing I was ever afraid to tell my a parents was a lie.

bananarama

they talked about her when i wanted to talk about her. If i asked questions and stuff they were more than happy to answer them if i needed to vent about a feeling i had they would listin. They always tried to make it seem like a good thing though and even times i would be angry about it they would try to talk me out of being angry and would then try to expalin to try to look at the other points of view and always told me they belived she loved me. I think my parents being positive about it and raising me to ba a understanding non judgmental person did have an impact i think. They never once made it seem like a bad thing so i was never bitter. i was worried about how they would feel when i decided to search since it has been years since we spoke about it. But they were fine they were excited

grawr â™¥

I was adopted in an open adoption, so I have actually visited both of my birth parents. The last time I saw my birth father was last summer when he came to visit (he lives in California) and the last time i saw my birth mother was about 8 years ago - when i was 6. I have known that I was adopted since i can remember, and I am completely comfortable with it. I email my b.father often, however i haven't had contact with my b.mother since i visited her. Apparently she was going to abort me, and then couldn't do it. Then when I was adopted she went through depression. I don't really think of her very much, but i think about my b.father fairly often. I used to wonder what my life would have been like if i had lived with either of them, but i don't much anymore. I don't feel guilty at all about bringing either of them up with my a.parents, because they have been very open with it. I think I am very lucky to have (or had at one time) contact with both of my b.parents.

amy lou

Hi robin. My parents didn't really speak about my birth mother, unless I asked. They were very open about my adoption with me, and gave me all the info that I needed. I got interested in Junior high too, and decided that I was going to find my birth mother. I did, and I also found my father and siblings too. I have never looked back, and although we don't speak that often, i feel I now have a connection with who I am.

My adoptive parents never ever spoke a bad word about my birth mother at all. They kept the whole adoption thing positive, which infact it was!

Atlanta

I was given up at 6 months old in 1980. She just couldn't hack it. My parents didn't tell me that. She did. I was always that kid that had a million questions about everything, so I hounded my parents with questions quite often, almost daily as I got older. Both were very open, yet they didn't know very much, but shared what they had. I asked a question earlier about putting bios on pedestals and because my parents didn't have much info, the way my imagination works, I just invented some. And did I ever invent some dramatic craziness. But I think I needed that at the time. I never felt guilty for bringing up my bio mom and I never got the impression that my parents wanted me to feel guilty or that they felt threatened. We are very close. BTW, my bio mother found me and while we were all shocked, my mom and dad have been supportive.

vmarie84

There really wasn't much they could say about the woman. All they basically knew was her age, height, and weight.

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