Do AP's expect their adopted children to screw up?

Possum

Great question.

For me - as an adoptee - I felt like a screw-up - still do most days - simply because I was given away - therefore - in my head - not good enough.
Throw away child to one family - second best option for the next.

I have seen around the internet - many adoptive parents blaming adoptee screw-ups on the bio parents - many many times.
If the adoptee does something good - the adoptive parents say it's all their great work - but if the adoptee screws up - they blame it on genetics - ie - the bio family.

I think a lot of families probably do this - that is - blame screw ups on some possible genetic trait within the extended family.

But to an adoptee - even a joke such as this - would be devastating - to say the least.
I say again - even a JOKE about this - will lead to absolute heart-ache for the adoptee.

An adoptee is already fully aware of the precarious nature of their position - balancing between two families - just wanting to fit in to both.

There is as much nature as there is nurture in me.
But blaming any wrong doing on either - by anyone but me - is something that rips at my heart - and at my soul.

Ghost Writer Rides Again

I find it hard to blame any mistakes my relinquished daughter might make as she gets older on me or her father. If she tries to smoke weed for the first time, will it be our fault because we also tried it when we were younger? If she enters a dysfunctional marriage? Our marriage failed before she was even born and relinquished. Will this be our fault as well?

Every child makes mistakes as they grow. It is all part of the learning process. Any "mistakes" the child might make will be no more our fault than her adoptive parents'. Making mistakes in life is not genetic. Personality can be influenced by genetics, but the choices the child makes in life cannot be solely the fault of their genetic make-up.

And I fail to understand how just because the child is adopted that it means there was something wrong with the natural family.

Jennifer L

No. I don't believe genetics equates to destiny. There is the very huge element of human choice. Just as I do with my biological son, I try to raise my children from adoption in the best way I can, teaching them how to make good decisions to life's hard choices.

Gaia Raain

Wow. That's a great question. The short answer is heck no! I'm not going to create a self-fulfilling prophecy for my kids by automatically assuming that they're going to repeat the "mistakes" their parents made. (And I use the word "mistakes" loosely, because I don't necessarily consider their genetic mirror to be a "mistake", even if it includes addiction, abuse, mental illness, or any other issues they MAY one day face...I've faced some of these issues myself, and I don't consider my own issues to be "mistakes"...they're simply facts of life that I needed to learn to deal with. It's just part of being human.) But the long answer is a whole lot more complex than that.

I will have to understand that whatever genetics our kids have, they will carry them throughout life. I have no clue, and no control over, how their genetics will "act" in their lives. I don't know if they will develop certain mannerisms of their parents, or if they'll use similar phrases, if they'll have the same hair color, or if they will become alcoholics. It's not my job to determine these things. It's my job to make sure they are prepared to deal with these possibilities; to teach them to love who they are, to respect who they are, and to make their own decisions. In order to do that, I have to be aware of the POSSIBLE issues that could face them as adults (i.e. alcoholism, etc.), and help them to prepare for the choices they MIGHT one day be faced with.

If I live in, or act out of, my own fears while I'm trying to complete this job, I will be doing my children a GREAT disservice. It's not about me anyway, so my fears shouldn't have any bearing on their process. It's my job to deal with my fears, not theirs.

Heather B

No I don't think so; but many blame things that do go wrong on 'genetics' - the old bad seed theory.

Peaness

Hopefully, they wouldn't but I have seen this one too many times. I will hear an AP talking to another parents saying how they hold their standards low for the adoptive child as to not be disappointed. Then they act really suprised if they here the adopted child did something 'normal' like help a neighbor...

Like most people said though, every parent has their own 'fears' in their children, biological or not.

sizesmith

It's not just the AP's (I'm both a natural and adoptive parent), we all hope our kids don't screw up, and we all want them to have the best life possible.

I believe it can make a difference to the child's past history if they are adopted at birth or later in life. None of us want or expect our children to screw up, because we hope we've raised them better. While researching adoption, statistics show that adopted kids do not only better than their siblings who weren't adopted, they also do better than average kids as far as crime rates, graduation, education (both degrees received as well as grades), and they supposedly have better driving records. (My adopted son doesn't stand a chance on that one-both his bio and a-dads are racing fans and motor buffs-ha).

I will watch my adopted son more as far as addiction goes, because his mother did do some meth during pregnancy, including the day he was born. With this type of drug, we just don't know what the future holds for these kids, because the first "batch" of them are just now reaching towards adulthood. I have heard that addiction traits can be passed down, and I don't want him to have to deal with that. I won't wait in fear, however, I will respect the genetics there, and will educate myself and my son on what can happen because of these genetics, and I will pray, however, we are going to enjoy life to the fullest, and go on. Besides, his mother and dad weren't bad people. They were good people who loved him enough to give him up, and they had just made some horrible mistakes in their lives. I thank God for them, and I hope that one day soon, they'll continue to be part of my son's life.

cmc

No, I don't have any expectations that my child will screw up, and if she does it will likely be my fault more than her bio mom's/dad's. Of course I am trying to raise her the best way I can, but I personally feel enviroment is stronger than genetics in many ways. Plus my daughter's bio mom is actually pretty together from what I know. She had an unplanned pregnancy, but always seemed responsible to me. I don't know much about the bio dad, but I don't expect to blame him either if we have any problems when she is older.

MelzMom

Both biological and adopted children are going to make bad choices. It's part of the learning process.
As far as "fear that their child will follow in their biological parent's footsteps", No Fear.
We hear so much negativity on this site about closed adoption, I guess one of the pros is that there are no pre-conceived notions about WHO the child will/can become. He/she can grow up to be whoever he/she wants to be--even more so than biological children.

librarylover

We adopted two children from Ukraine nearly 3 years ago. We went into it with our eyes open, but we didn't look for trouble. And we still don't. So far, we've all adjusted well and have become a family.

m'smama

I expect my child to "screw up" just like any child would - doesn't matter if they're adopted or not! No child is perfect, everyone makes mistakes, it's all a part of growing up!

emma_cide

I don't think any parent expects their child to screw up. Who has perfect genetics anyways?

slm4jesus

what? good parents don't "expect" any of their children to screw up.

michelle obama

Negative a child destiny is carved from @type of schooling @home environment @family values

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