Do adoptees blame their adoptive parents for their "natural" mother's abandonment?

mscrawdad

This site is not for the faint of heart! lol! I was surprised when I first started visiting here, also. But, I've come to really appreciate the passion with which everyone involved in this process states their points of view. I've learned so much from each perspective and I have so much more understanding and empathy for all involved in this process. I've always viewed the foster and adopt systems as broken in this country, but I had no idea just how broken it is until coming to this site. The way I've learned to navigate this site is through respecting every post whether I agree with their viewpoint or not. And I can assure you, you won't win points on this site by pigeonholing mothers who have relinquished to or lost to this system as people who abandon their children. Persons who have been adopted rarely view their predicament as abandonment. That is one of the things I've learned from this site. Each person who has been adopted has their own individual viewpoints regarding adoption (for and against).

You can't tell people how they should feel. And you can't explain what their life might have been, could have been, if they hadn't been adopted, because no one will ever know the answer to that. You also can't compare the life of a child who grows up with his parents and is abused/neglected to a child who grows up with parents who adopted him that is abused/neglected. To me being abused/neglected is pretty horrible regardless of whose hands you suffer it by.

So, hang in there with the site for a while and you will find some wonderful people in here with intelligent, relevant viewpoints that you can agree with or not. But each story you read will educate you a bit more about a system that I guess everyone in this sight is a part of or looking to become a part of and the flaws enherent in that system. Good luck.

celtic.piskie

Because it's not just one moment.

Do you like being part of the heritage you have? English, American, Turkish etc...??

Because I don't know. I don't know where MY genes come from.

None of my adoptive family are scientists, or intelligent to be frank, where did they come from?
My daughter has inherited an odd eyebrow of mine, who did I get it from, my mom, dad, grandparents?

When did I walk, what was my first word, what lullabies did I like, was I a sleepy baby or active... was I a baby at all?

Most of us aren't hate filled. We're angry. Angry at people like you that think it's all good. Angry that we can't be with our natural parents, for whatever reason, where we should be, in most cases.

how would you like it, to erase all of your history. Your heritage.

LaurieDB

One moment in my life that I can't even remember? Wow. I do hope that you have an open mind when asking your question. The tone of your question suggests otherwise, but I certainly give people the benefit of my doubt.

Many adopted persons absolutely remember. They were a little older. I was not a newborn when I was relinquished. I was a toddler when I was adopted. From relinquishment to adoption was a year long moment in foster care. I may not have strong memories of it, but they are there.

Further, an event such as being relinquished and then placed with another set of people can tend to stick with a person. It does have its effects.

Adoption also has long term legal effects. In 44 states, simply having been adopted by someone takes away a person's right to access his or her OWN record of birth! Now, before you start thinking that this has anything to do with "privacy" for the first parents, understand this: relinquishing a child for adoption does NOT cause birth records to seal. That's right. If parents give their child up for adoption, the ONLY birth certificate that child has is the original with the natural parents' names on it. It doesn't seal. An "amended" one isn't issued. For those children who don't get adopted, they always have access to that birth certificate. It's their only legal birth certificate. It is only if and when an adoption finalizes and the Dept. of Vital Records issues an amended certificate that the original is tossed in with the rest of the adoption file and sealed. Sealing the records is about the adoption, not about the relinquishment. First parents have no say in whether or not the original is sealed.

However, adopted citizens are the ONLY citizens denied unfettered access to their own factual records of birth. This makes access to one's actual birth record no longer a right, but a privilege, based on one's legal status as either "adopted" or "not adopted." That is discrimination.

I don't "hate" or feel "bitter" toward my adoptive parents or my first parents, for that matter. That's just a foolish notion on your part. My adoptive parents didn't even know my first parents at that time, so what you're saying about "blaming" them for my first parents' relinquishment doesn't even make logical sense. They had nothing to do with it.

Your accusatory question suggests that you clearly know very little about adoption outside of the stereotypes. I do hope you're willing to understand that there is much more to adoption than the stereotypes.

PhilM

If you've "always thought of adoption as a positive thing," you clearly know very little about it. That you claim it is only "1 moment" underscores this fact.

Adoption is a life-long thing. It colors everything. As early as birth, infants recognize their mother. Taking them away from her is the first trauma. The inability to recognize anyone who looks like you, the awareness that the medical problems that face your new "family" are not yours, for many the inability to recognize yourself in interests personality and the like... These are lifelong.

Do I BLAME my adoptive parents for being abandoned? No. I don't really BLAME anyone (well, maybe my mom's mom, who essentially forced her to relinquish me, but even then, not really).

But since the effects of adoption have been honestly discussed (in the literature, if not in public), I think there is little excuse for the "simple and rosy" picture of adoption that is still common today. Adult adoptees and First mothers have been speaking up for some time now. But the public still turns a deaf ear. This question is only the latest case in point.

If you really want to understand this, here is some reading for you:

* "Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self" by Brodzinsky, Schecter, and Henig

* "Journey of the Adopted Self" by Betty Jean Lifton

* "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier

If you don't want to understand, but just want to be nasty to people you've never bothered to get to know or understand, then by all means, troll away.

Heather B

I've never once blamed my adoptive parents for the fact that my natural Mom was lied to and told I was dead at three days old. Why would I do that.

dory

I certainly don't. But I do blame my adoptive parents for:

1) instilling guilt and shame in me about being adopted

2) never allowing me to discuss my natural family

3) making me act as if I was their bio child

4) being insensitive to my need to know

5) locking all my adoption papers in their safety deposit box and not allowing me to see them

6) acting as if my curiosity was threatening their role as parents

7) abusing me emotionally

8) abusing me physically

9) abandoning me after I gave birth to my first child

I could probably go on but I'm sure this gives you a good idea of what I do blame them for. My natural mother's abandonment of me had nothing to do with them - it had more to do with society in the 60s.

Cambria

I do not blame my parents for anything. I fully admit that I had a lot of anger in my past that I didn't know what to do with, so I would direct it at them. There is also the tendency for adoptees to try to re-enact the rejection cycle that they felt began at their birth.

I don't know if you are an adoptee or not, but if you are not, I don't think you should presume to understand what it is like. Yes there are a lot of people on here who come across as incredibly bitter, but there are incredibly valid reasons for the anger and trauma that comes with adoption. I don't think it is really possible for someone to understand unless they have gone through it.
If you are an adoptee, then congratulations, you were one of the lucky ones who managed to come through the process unscathed. Hooray for you but that doesn't mean you have to attack other people for trying to express their feelings about adoption. As I said, I too think that there are certain people who are very vocal about their anger and loss and at times seem to go overboard in trying to express their point of view. But at the same time, they have a right to their anger.

If you can't understand why people are upset, then maybe you should just keep it to yourself and find somewhere else to spend your time. But you don't have the right to tell people what they are and are not allowed to feel.

PS-Not all adoptions are at birth and there are plenty of people on here who vividly remember the day they were taken away from their parents.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

corn is not wheat.

anyway-

i adore my aparents. i HATE adoption. the one moment? being stolen from my first mother.

a healing adoptee

No, i don't! but then again, my AP's are very mature secure people who raised me. so there was no issues. Some AP's on here, want to tell us adoptees to hate our biological family to forget about them, some say don't say "real", some like you insult instead of explain. I mean really, adoption reforms are needed to make sure all involved are treated fairly. like it or not the child's biologial mother is a part of them, so no matter what you do, you can't erase dna. if an AP is mature and a secure person they will realize that their adopted child loves them and doesn't love them less just because they may be curious about their biological families.

You need to ask yourself, why are you so quick to jump to conclusions about adoptees, instead of listening to all on here?

sunny

So dramatic! Let me guess, you like high-strung dogs?

Adoption is GOOD--for DOGS.

People are meant to remain with their families unless there is abuse, addiction, or profound neglect.

No, I don't 'blame' my aparents for my mother giving me away--that's ridiculous.

I blame bad timing. I was born in the early 60's when it was unheard of for a woman to raise her own child born out of wedlock.

It's that simple, and that tragic.

Mei-Ling

Because that one moment destroyed any "real" opportunity to grow up learning my original mother tongue, my original culture and being with the original family who wanted me FIRST.

I don't blame my adoptive parents for my mother's perceived "abandonment" - I know for a fact that she watched my aparents take me out of the orphanage room.

But now that I am in reunion, I am not happy that I can't even manage a basic conversation in my would-have-been mother tongue, that I don't know the culture and never really will, and that I don't know *them* beyond the surface.

And the thing that angers me is that I SHOULD HAVE.

I *should* have had that opportunity.

I *should* have grown up learning Mandarin.

I *should* have been able to grow up learning my heritage and not have to struggle with it like a mentally handicapped 3-year-old.

Yeah, I know, this is where the typical AP would tell me, "You can always just go back."

Yeah, sure. Just like I can always just magically become fluent when I return, right? And just like my mother's grief at losing me can always just "heal" from the years of separation? And just like being there will suddenly bridge all the language, cultural and familial gaps?

No. It doesn't work that way. I can't "always just go back."

Why should I have to fight so hard for something that was supposed to be MINE to begin with? You tell me that.

[I know all that pain and problems it causes from first hand but still it's better that having no family.]

Anyone who has been adopted does *indeed* have a family, unless their parents are dead.

It's not a very GOOD family, but it's still a family.

myst1998

Wow! You really bought into that whole 'Juno' crap then didn't you???

You are shocked and amazed by people who are hurt that they have lost their basic human right to know their own identity? Tell me, do you have a birth certificate that has been falsified? Do you know where you come from? Are you able to look at your family and see where you fit in? If you do then it is something you have taken for granted.

To call the adoptees here bitter and hate-filled shows a massive lack of judgment on your behalf as well as limited room for openness and learning. You do not know any of their lives or stories yet you, with your lack of knowledge about adoption, can shoot their mouth off and label people because you cannot understand why?

Go and do some research on adoption and its history before asking anymore stupid and insensitive questions.

Daisey Duck

As a person who was adopted twice, no I don't blame my mom and dad for the adoption. I do blame the first set of people who adopted me for the abuse that I received. That should have never happened. As for my mom and dad who raised me after that I don't blame them for anything. They are the ones who had to deal with all the problems that the 1st adoptive people caused. I don't blame my bio mom either. I do blame my bio father, as he was the drunk that couldn't stay out of jail. I also blame whoever it was that called the cops on my mom for being in town with us kids. Who ever that was should have minded their own business, as all she was trying to do was take us kids to our grandparents house for christmas. So I wasn't abandoned. There are a lot of bitter people on here, but if you don't know their story you really can't judge them. It wasn't just one moment in my life it was the first adoption that caused me problems, being abused and having to endure physical and emotional pain. Thankfully I had good parents who helped work through the pain, and were very open and honest about the adoption. So they turned a very horrible thing into a good thing. At least for me they did.

twisten

avoidance of the topic in your life and the need to see where you really came from.
it is tough to grow up as a teenager, much less finding out that you parents really are not you parents.
it all comes together in our fourtys.

almost human

you have a lot of questions that are separate issues.

i will address in the same order as you presented them:

Do adoptees blame their adoptive parents for their "natural" mother's abandonment?
-SOME adoptees blame their natural mothers
-SOME adoptees blame their adoptive parents for being ostrich's with their heads stuck in the sand / choosing to see only what validates their own goals.
-SOME adoptees blame the country that failed supporting their natural mothers
-SOME adoptees blame the country's culture for creating a hostile environment for the natural mothers
-SOME adoptees blame the adoption agencies for exploiting these natural mothers AND making a big profit off of them
-SOME adoptees would choose all manner of combinations of the above, and some would choose all of the above.

I've always thought adoption as a positive thing.
- in theory it's a positive thing.
- in theory, adoption saves ORPHANS and abused children. that's a positive thing.
- in practice the jury is still out.
- in practice, that ideal has been manipulated: by some who would profit. by some agencies who look the other way when acquiring stolen babies. by some agencies that willfully falsify records. by countries willfully shipping off their children so they don't have to provide social services to struggling families. by some who would replace dead children with adoptees. by some who would choose an adoptive child as last resort / last choice. by some who seek to exploit their children. by some who need a project child to fill their empty nest. by some who seek to have it all and the children are merely props of success. by some who care more about saving a soul than the emotional needs of a child.
- some adoptions are based on ideals. but far too many adoptions have elements of the list above.

I was shocked and amazed at the hate-filled, bitter adoptees on this site.
- well, if you read our stories and knew what we were/are asked to go through, you wouldn't be so shocked. listen to what the adoptees have to say, and look past your shock.
- i haven't seen any hate coming from my fellow adoptees. i've seen anger, mostly justified, and most of all great sadness.
- the fifth definition of bitter in the American Heritage Dictionary reads;
Resulting from or expressive of severe grief, anguish, or disappointment: cried bitter tears.
- resentment, animosity, or cynicism can follow when one is treated with as little regard to our rights and feelings as we have experienced.

How can 1 moment in your life, that you can't even remember, poison your entire existence?
- i guess in your next life, when you are abandoned, then you can answer that question.
- it's not just one moment in our lives - being abandoned was just the first poison we had to swallow. it set in motion a chain of events we had no say in. we were forced to live with strangers.

if someone took you from the place you lived - then forced you to live with some people you didn't know - and then told you to be grateful about it - you wouldn't be grateful, you'd be outraged. you would call it abduction.

some of these strangers forced "bonding" upon us. some of these strangers were terribly selfish. some of these strangers were horrible people. some of these strangers expected us to be super human and dismissed any normal childhood insecurities, anxieties, fears, grievances, etc. - anything that did not promote their vision of the perfect family they had formulated in their minds. the daily indignities and disregard or hyper regard many of us adoptees had to put up with would make anyone bitter.

most of us have tried to make the best of our lives and our situations. most of us have rewarding careers and wonderful lives. it hasn't poisoned our ENTIRE existence. but we can still find fault with things that UNNECESSARILY traumatized us.

marycollette@rocketmail.com

I was adopted and I do NOT blame my natural parents for abandoning me because in my case I went to better parents than the ones who gave me life. I got the better end of the deal.

emandjoe

I am an adult adoptee and have never blamed anyone for anything. My adoption was a 100% positive experience. My parents were honest with me all my life. While I don't know much about my birth mom, I do know that placing me for adoption was her decision because she felt she could not be the kind of mother she wanted me to have. I have SO MUCH love in my heart toward her because she put my well-being in life ahead of her own. It was a brave, hard decision and I respect her and THANK her SO MUCH. I have WONDERFUL parents, I have NEVER in my life felt abandoned, just VERY loved by all sides. My birth mom didn't "give me up." She took responsibility, she realized she could not give me the life I deserved, so she gave my parents the chance to give me a wonderful life, and they did. My adoption was in the days of closed adoption so I am very limited in what I know. Yes I have always been curious, but by no means does my curiosity define me, or make me bitter. I have parents, I DO belong. I belong to a wonderful loving family. I am a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin, etc... I know who I am, where I belong and that I am loved. I can only hope and pray that my natural born children will grow up to feel EXACTLY the same way!

banana_monster_22

I placed a child for adoption and first it is not abandonment in most cases. I think the kids are just confused. The thought of if my mother loved me, why did she let someone else raise me? In a lot of cases when the child holds resentment towards their "birth" mother it is because the adoption has been made a closed one (the birth parents have no contact with the child or adoptive parents after placement has been made official). Open adoption have proven to show that children are more likely to be accepting to the fact that they were adopted because they will be able to ask their birth parents questions about why they were placed.

Children also seem to blame their adoptive parents because they have no one else to blame. Like any other teenager the first people they go after when they are stressed and want to take it out on someone isn't their friends, but their parents because subconciously they know that through it all their "adopted" parents will still love and care for them. (not saying that their birth parents don't because I can't wait to get new pictures and information about my little boy)

AdoreHim

By the way, how can I blame my adoptive parents for my birth mom's abandonment, when she really did not abandon me. My adoptive parents received a beautiful letter from my birth mom stating that if for any reason they could not raise me, she would find away, because she loved me. Just because a birth mom cannot raise a child that does not mean she has abandoned the child. I consider a mom who aborts her child one that has abandoned both the child and her responsibility. I have 2 adopted children as well- and I have never heard from them that they have felt abandoned. I agree with you, I have never heard such negativity about adoption as through this site.

ShOw JuMpInG rOcKs!

Hello,

well, first of all adoption is a positive thing no matter what. I know all that pain and problems it causes from first hand but still it's better that having no family.

I believe that adoptees do not hate their adoptive parents for actually adopting them. They hate their natural family for giving them up for adoption carelessly without thinking the problems that might be caused to the young child.

Well, It can poison your entire existence as you said. Cause deep deep deep inside we have the fear of being abandoned. We feel that we are out of family love. We don;t have any remains of our past. No pictures, no anything.

Conclusion: Adoption is a positive thing to do but sometimes it hurts like hell.

Congradulations for the interesting question.

Love,

ShOw JuMpInG rOcKs!

ashley

i myself am a adoptee and im sorry to say it but yes most of us do blame the adoptive parents.
but i think the inly reason why we do is because we want someone to blame.
so we don't have to blame our selfs.

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