Do all adoptees feel this way?

A very common theme I see here with adoptees are the feelings of loss, betrayal, feeling unwanted, different and feeling like they didn't "belong" to their adoptive families, all of which are justified. I have had these feelings too. I know there are a lot of people with strong opinions here, but please consider the fact that I am an adoptee also. What I would like to know if there are any adoptees that consider their adoption to have been a positive thing? Obviously adoption was a life changing event, whether as an infant and unable to remember your adoption or as an older child, remembering being taken from or surrendered by your family. It seems like a lot of adoptees have lots of negative things to say, almost as if their whole life has been ruined, and but I don't think for everybody. When I first started asking about adoption on Y!A, I didn't disclose the fact that I was an adoptee, I came here seeking information on how to adopt. I came under some really heavy criticism from people not knowing my background, assuming that I was just another infertile parasite looking for someone's baby to take without regard to the child's feelings at all. Do all adoptees feel like that's what all adoptive parents are like? I was a baby, I don't remember anything, so I never experienced the trauma of remembering being separated from my family. My parents have a bio son who I consider to be my brother in every way and I was never ever referred to as an adopted daughter. Now, that isn't to say I had a great childhood. It wasn't, but not in the way that a lot of adoptees describe their childhood. I had to get therapy for other issues in my early 20s and am coming to terms that I'll likely never know my biological family. Are there any adoptees who have no desire to know their bio families? If you are one, are you content with your life as it is and consider your adoptive family to be your only family, period? I thought that my own experience as a child would make me a better adoptive parent, but it seems like that might not be the case. I figure that was the hand I was dealt and it has made me who I am today and though it took a while, I have to say I'm happy. I've gotten married to a wonderful man and we are looking forward to building our family, conventionally or not. Some of the comments given to people just trying to look into adoption almost make you want to NOT do it. My feelings aren't as strong as some others here and if no matter how much empathy I can give an adopted child, if they still are going to feel this way, it makes me wonder if this is the right thing for me to do. I don't want my child years from now having all these negative feelings, although I realize that's not going to be in my control. All I can do is be the best parent I can be and hope they know that I know what it's like. Is there anyone out there who is happy to have been adopted and wouldn't want life any other way? For the other adoptees who aren't, what is the source of your feelings, other than the obvious, of course? I understand every person is unique as is each family and each situation. I understand the need for reform. What I'm not always understanding is a lot of the bitterness, perhaps because my situation was different. I really would love to adopt but am no longer feeling as confident about it because of the responses I'm seeing from other adoptees. Is it possible for an adoptee to be truly happy with their adoptive family?

Mei-Ling

In the short version of things, I have felt as though my afamily IS my family. There is no doubt about that. They have raised me and loved me as their child.

But what you are asking is extremely complex - therefore I am going to PM you about this because it involves Christianity and possibly offending someone else here and that is the absolute LAST thing I would want to do.

Indian-vision

Jackie i believe every adoptee is entitled to their feeling. We, as a.parent can hope our kids grow into happy adults but can not shirk away if they have feeling s of loss and betrayal, etc. I would want to support my child in her search if she would like to. I would be behing her.

One thing after coming here on y/a has shook my belief is about Domestic adoptions in the U.S. If there are so many birth mothers so upset post relinquishment and so many children after adoption not feeling complete till they find their natural families, maybe there has to changes made in the adoption process.

However i am an Indian and live in India. We have millions of children in orphanages where kids have been abandoned due to their girl status and they have absolutely no family that would ever claim them. Nor would the children that were abandoned due to being out of wedlock. I know my Country and its culture so well and i know these children will never ever be able to go to their natural families. After volunatring in them i know how much some of these children desire for a family and home. What calling some one "mama" and "papa" means to them. I would in a heartbeat advise people to adopt from an orphanage.

We always hear of International adoptees that were torn from their family due to poverty. We hear from them because they are now in families that have provided a great life and a family and now they can speak to the world via net. BUT do we hear the voices of those kids miserable without hope in an orphanage like India. Growing out of the system with no hope for the future. They will grow into adults never having found "family" love and care. No we don't know about them. They are the silent voices in my country.

I have even heard of foster children in America who have longed for their natural families in their adoptive families. I am not saying do not adopt them. But they have hopes to be reunited and thats for the best. I would say if children could grow in their natural family , that would be the best thing.

But those kids that have ZERO hope like the kids here in an orphanage. All they want is a family. Even the adopted family.

Every body criticises International adoption for tearing them apart from the culture, country and language. But do they ever ask these silent voices in the orphanage what is more important to them ??? Culture & language or family and love ??

Serenity71

Hi Jacki,

You life experiences and feelings about them belong to you. Same with how others see their life and growing up.

I think your starting to look at adoption from the POV of a parent wanting the best for their kids and trying to shelter the potential child who comes into your life from anything that could cause them pain,hurt,rejection and other emotions that come into growing up. With the added complication of their adoption thrown into it. (Being an adoptee will be an advantage in knowing some of how they will feel about their adoption.)

Keep learning about being a parent to an adopted child even though your adopted yourself you'll have to come at from another angle because your child is their own person. Even a biological child is still their own person and needs to form their own ideas over time on their life and what they gained from it all. (Or lost etc.)

Understanding the things behind why some people feel as they do will help.

All the best...

Zeena

To be honest, I am not bothered by being adopted.I really am not.Growing up, I did feel that "empty space", but I didn't choose to let it ruin my life or make me look side ways towards people who wanted to adopt.

I believe that everything happens for a reason and if I was meant to live in a family that isn't biological then that is what needed to happen.These are my family.I never grew up with my bio family.I love ALL of my relatives.

I have met my birth family and keep into contact but my parents are always my parents.If I have a issue, I go to my mom, not my birth mom.I am not bitter towards my birth mom at all.I just don't think that she is someone I want to idol.My bio parents aren't that great of people...not bad people just not that great.

I am glad I was adopted, if I was raised with my family there is no saying how I would have turned out.
That scares me.

I do keep in contact and we talk...especially me and my bio Grandma.She is native so I like to keep in touch with my roots.

Linny G

I am happy with my a family. They love me, I love them. I was not abused. But that does not take away the pain from the trauma caused by relinquishment. That does not make the fear of rejection or abandonment issues any less real.

I am not bitter. The system needs to change, though. Adoption should be the last resort for a child. The first option should be social services to help the n mom get on her feet, or financial assistance and health care so she can keep her baby.

In cases of SEVERE neglect and or abuse, the child should go to a family member while the n mom gets treatment. If there is no family, then temporary foster care.

For children whom are abandoned, and there is NO family, then maybe adoption, but not internationally. It is a a crime, in my opinion to steal a child from their native land.

I will be totally honest, I have a very difficult time believing adoptees who do not wish to search. I FEEL it is because they feel guilty and do not wish to hurt their a family, or they are afraid of yet another rejection.

It would be an insult to my a family if I DID NOT want to search and know my n family. It goes against everything they taught me about love and family.

I feel my adoption was a positive thing for my a parents, but it came with a huge price. I grieved my entire life for my a mom, and will do so until the day I die. I lived a life of what-if's, filled with fantasies of my n family. My life would not have been better had I not been put up for adoption. Different, but not better. It pains me to say that (GUILT) because I do love my a family, but my life would have just been different. Not better.

I feel adoption hurts families- the n family and the a family. Too much unrecognized loss, and inappropriate feelings of guilt.

I could NEVER adopt a child- my own unresolved feelings about my own adoption would prevent me from being a good parent, and I feel adoption is morally wrong.

Terra R

Your question is a complex and insightful one, and I'm glad you asked it, since I've been wondering the same thing, too. I'm a 23-year-old adoptee from Korea into an Italian family. I was adopted as an infant, and as far as I know, my birth mother relinquished me directly after I was born because she feared she could not provide for me financially. I would have to say that overall I'm very happy with my life as an adopted child. My mother is a diabetic that was unable to have children of her own and although she probably didn't adopt for the right reasons, I think she did right by me. I can see why many adoptees are unhappy with their situations - I was lucky enough that I don't remember anything but my adoptive family and never had to suffer through any separations. Maybe it's for this reason that I don't have much desire to find my birth parents. They're halfway across the world, for starters, I have literally no information about them, and at this point I feel like it would just be rustling up a lot of closed business. I'm happy, my birth mom's probably moved on with her life, my natural father probably has no idea I exist, and I feel that in my situation it would do more harm than good.

It's admirable that you are so concerned with your potential child's feelings - it shows that you are indeed thinking about the child's best interests. Adoptions can be a wonderful answer for many people - I have opportunities here that I probably wouldn't have had if my birth mother had kept me, and my adoptive mother has never made me feel like I was anything but her own child. That being said, I'm not a mother (although I will be in about 20 weeks!) so the heartwrenching experience of giving up a child is something I've never endured. I think that something that the less adoption-enthusiastic camp is trying to get across is that, in many cases, someone loses out, whether it be the adoptee or the birth mother, but the adoptive parents always seem to win. It's a difficult situation no matter how you slice it.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do - it sounds like your heart is in the right place, and as long as that is the case you will make a good decision :)

Heather B

I'm happy with my adoptive family, I love them to bits.. I just always wanted to know the truth of my origins! The secrecy and lies of the system as it stands caused me anguish.

Because someone has negative things to say about adoption does not automatically mean they are not happy with there adoptive family.

Katii

Hi.
I am adopted, and I have a wonderful loving family, and have never once felt un-loved or rejected by my biological mom, even though I don't know her. She did what she knew to be best for me, and her as well, so I am grateful to her.

Crucio

Hey Jackie every adoptee has their own feelings and one can not know how an adoptee will feel about being adopted.The best thing imo is just to keep your mind open read things good, bad, in the middle. Hopefully it will be able to help someone help their child whichever way they happen to fall. As said one cant control how someone feels nor predict 100% how so and so will feel.

I personnel have never had a desire to search for my biological family. Even though my parents have said they would help me if I wanted too but I simple donâ€™t want too. I have a great family I donâ€™t consider my biological family to be family. As far as being content with my life well I donâ€™t think any one is ever fully content but anything that is un-content in my life has absolutely nothing to do with being adopted. Take for example this year on my birthday we were at a restaurant and my mom said something like your mother was Irish or English it just felt so wrong to me to refer to this woman as my â€œmotherâ€. Yet one time my dad said yeah we tried to get your birthmothers medical information and that just felt right because I donâ€™t think of her as my mother but my biomother or birthmother.

Can an adoptee be truly happy with their adoptive family? Yes but that again depends on the adoptee I would say that yes I am truly happy with the family that I got adopted into and I know from reading some other people stories that I was quite lucky. My parents just treated me as their child, they didnâ€™t treat me less/more then their biochildren, I was never called the adopted daughter/sister/grandaughter/niece etc, just daughter/sister granddaughter,niece etc. I am sure there are other adoptees who are truly happy/content with the family that adopted them. I am sure there adoptees who are truly happy with the family that adopted them but wish that they had not been adopted. Then I am sure there are adoptees who are not happy with the family that adopted them.

Yes I would say my adoption was a positive my biomother was an addict and often lived on the streets truly what kind of life would that have been for me? She couldnâ€™t even care for the child she already had. She even consider reclaiming me shortly after I was placed in FC even filled out paperwork for it thank god she came to her right mind.

Rowan

To keep it simple, no, not all adoptees feel that way. I'm an adoptee, and i see my adoption as a positive thing. I think adoption is a wonderful thing, if done for the right rasons. I've been reading your questions, and to me, it seems like you are in the right frame of mind to adopt. Good luck!

Pinky

My parents adopted 4 kids (including me). They could have kids of their own, but chose instead to give a home to the 4 of us who didn't have a family. I was found in a foster home and my parents went through 2 years of fighting to adopt my sister and me. I had the most incredible life ever and I am hoping to one day give a child without a family a chance to have one. My husband and I are having two kids of our own and adopting one (if I have my way we will adopt 2).

I never once felt like I wasn't wanted. My parents went through allot to adopt each of us. Your parents adopted you, they wanted you otherwise they wouldn't have adopted you.

Kate

I wasn't adopted, but my mom was, because her mom was too young to take care of her.
She's said that she felt those things, but she also mentioned that she was truly grateful for all that her parents did for her... "adoptive parents", but they're almost like blood relatives to us. I would say that she is truly happy with them, from all I have seen, and I guess that some of those feelings of weirdness have rubbed off on me (because my life could have been different, like my mom's, too), but pretty much: yeah, I think you can be really happy with them. They've taken care of her all her life, she doesn't seem resent them (any more, looking back at her life and gaining the insight of having her own daughter, me)...

Dunno.

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