Do any of you adult adoptees feel this way?

PhilM

Some things I have to work at.

Whether this is because of my adoption, or something else, I couldn't say. But it's certainly true that my relationship with my parents is sometimes a bit of work (more so than other relationships).

(This, for those that know what I'm going through right now, is a bit of an understatement.)

kateiskate

Actually for me I've gotten closer to them since I live away from home as the control element is gone and also the childhood fear that they would abandon me is also gone since I left voluntarily to start my life upon maturity. Now that we have the pressure of a power struggle for control lifted off of our relationship we're able to enjoy each other as people in a more casual manner than we were before.

The only thing that I am still not able to talk to them about, is my need to search for my first family. I'm worried about hurting them, and too afraid to mess up our newfound good will to bring up anything that might threaten that.

DevonChaos

I am not close with my mother. We cannot be in the same room together without a giant fight starting. She knows which buttons to push to upset me, and has readily admitted that she enjoys doing this, to see how long it takes before I cry. (Not exaggerating at all!)

My father and I are closer, but I still get upset that he does nothing to keep peace with her. Recently they sold my childhood piano because it "took up too much room", and they never asked if I would like it. This is so very hurtful, because for one, I have children who would have enjoyed learning piano. And two, because they always said piano was the "one thing I did right". Sorry if I got into things a bit too deep there, but this is still burning me up inside.

I have had to work on not fighting with my mother since age 10, but it has gotten much worse since I've moved out. My mother is a control freak, and always has been, and I guess her controlling my emotions is satisfying the need. I make no secret of our not getting along to anyone, and I'm sure anyone who has seen us together knows that we are most definately not close.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

for me personally, not at all.

i think some people can possibly run into this when there is a struggle about finding their first parents, but mine were so incredibly open about it, it just strengthened every bond we ever had.

Anha S

Yes, but our relationship was strained to begin with. My aparents and I, we have very different ideas about living life, loving, on pretty much everything of importance. They disowned me after I refused to relinquish my oldest daughter upon demand, and after 3 years, I stuck out the proverbial olive branch and we've worked, and worked hard at getting to a place where we are quite amicable, but thats really as far as it goes.

Robin

What a great question! WOW! Once again I'm just blown away by the answers. I guess I still have a tendency to think that my adoption story is "unique" - - - that most others are far more successful, happy and worked out well all around. Then I read so many stories similar to my own and realize sadly that my story isn't quite so unique.

My a.parents never fully accepted my kids as their grand children. (My a.mom reluctantly agreed to my adoption & really never considered me her daughter.) This was especially hard when my daughter caught on to the difference in treatment between herself & her cousins (my a.mom's bio kids/grand kids).

My a.mom pressured me to relinquishing my 1st born when her dad & I divorced (she was 1 y/o - I REFUSED!). That caused a crack in our relationship. Eventually, I cut my a.parents out of my life for 6 years. I reunited with them after meeting my 1st mom.

But 11 years later, we came to an impasse again over one of my children who they wanted left out of a family gathering. Shortly after that, my dad passed away. My a.mom left a message on my voice 2 days later asking me to stop calling her. We haven't had a relationship in nearly 12 years. The separation has been the best thing for my psychological well being.

Thanks for the question. For those PAP's who read this, please don't take it as bitterness, but instead listen to the pain this causes and please don't treat your adopted kids this way!

Jess

I'm not close to mine because they both need to grow up. I'm 27, they are 44 and 65 and still act as if they are my children!!! It is hard to maintain a relationship with them because they act as if I OWE THEM SOMETHING. I maintain a good relationship with their siblings and mine from them.

BOTZ

I used to "work harder at it". Now, I have NO contact with my a-parents at all. They still ask about me often (to other siblings, friends from the 'hometown', other relatives) and they still TRY to call -- but I no longer answer and delete messages w/o listening.

As soon as my hubby and I move (which will be in the next 3-5 years) and my phone number changes (which will be in the next few weeks) my bliss will be complete.

I will IMMEDIATELY cut off anyone who gives them my new information -- ANYONE. The 'cost' of dealing with those hateful, ignorant, awful people for one more minute is TOO HIGH for any other friendship or relationship. Period.

Randy B

The only way I've gotten further from my adoptive parents is due to having to move half way across the country. Other then that, our relationship still remains close. We speak all the time, we exchange opinions on things and my mom is usually the second person I call for advise if I need it (after I speak to my wife of course).

kimberly

I was adopted over 33 yrs ago from South Korea Live in Illinois now
my adopted parents I've have really never did like them at all. at least my
my adopted mom Never did want to talk to her. My adopted dad I got along o.k with him. But my mind was always on finding my bio-parents for some reason. But for some people it is hard to get along with their adoptive parents and for others it easy just depends on the person. I lived with my adopted parents for 15yrs from June 11th 1975 to June of 1990
A I still don't talk to them that much have not spend 1 Christmas with them since 1989. That tells you I had a very difficult time with my adopted parents .

Rowan

Well my mom and i had a great relationship up until she died 4 years ago(i was 23). me and my dad have always been at odds, and to be honest, for awhile we were closer, but now, its back to the way it was, distant i guess. But to be fair, all us kids arent really close with dad(2 bio kids and 2 adopted). He's not the emotionally available type, i'm learned.

Kiki

I am extremely close to my parents and the older I've gotten the closer we've gotten. Adoptive parents, birth parents... I don't think it matters. A parent is a parent is a parent.

gibberish

No, I adore my parents.

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