Do children, born and raised in their natural family, say this or is it just adopted people?

Possum

We were rejected by our first family - and longed for by our second.
Society often tells adoptees that we should be grateful that we didn't end up in a dumpster.

For myself - I oozed gratefulness - just in case my second family thought to also give me away.Hyper vigilant - I was.

monkeykitty83

Yeah, I say that.

It's not like I say that every single day, but it's common holiday card or deep conversation fodder, and I know I've said it to other people about my parents pretty often.

But I think my cultural background also predisposes me to express gratitude more than the average North American (not necessarily to feel it more, but to say it more,) so I wouldn't call myself typical. In my culture, gratitude to your parents is expected regardless of if you're adopted. Both for raising you in general, and the specific things they do for you.

I didn't realize this cultural difference until I was in college. My professor was giving an example about families to relate to politics, and he asked, "Do you say 'thank you' to your mother for every little thing she does for you?" I replied, "Yes" very honestly, and he gave me an annoyed look. He was looking for a no, but the way I was raised, not saying thank you is really rude.

I also remember when I was a child, my friend asked me not to say "thank you" to her mom so much, because then the mom started expecting my friend to.

It's not that I feel forced; it's genuine. But expressing gratitude, particularly to my parents, feels natural to me, and to the other people I've talked to who were raised in the same culture.

So yes, I do express gratitude to my parents for raising me, as well as for specific things they do.

Shelly P. Tofu, E.M.T.

I was a rarity, an 80's child raised by both biological parents, one full biological sibling, and no divorce. (Dad died when I was 19 and in college, and mom remarried a few years afterward).

I am absolutely grateful for my parents and how they raised me. My mother has got to be the most selfless, self-sacrificing saint on the planet. My father was a bit of a hands-off parent, I'd have preferred more of his time, but he was a good man who worked hard 14 hours a day in a steel mill to bring home that 1000 a week paycheck, so we could have all the material things we wanted. I never doubted his love or loyalty to his family.

Unfortunately Dad's not around for me to have a relationship with anymore, which I regret every day. (I was just getting old enough to finally see the similarities and common ground between us when he died). But, I HAVE on MULTIPLE occasions, let my mother (and the whole world) know in no uncertain terms that I think I was blessed with the best mother I could have been given. I absolutely would have rather been adopted by her, if I was born to someone else, than to have been raised by anyone else on the planet. No one could have been a more perfect parent. To me it's just natural, If I feel blessed, to express that.

So, anyway, here's a child raised by my BIOLOGICAL parents (I don't see anything "unnatural" about aPs), My ONLY parents, who feels I was lucky and tell my mother so.

ETA: LOL... loving the thumbs down for expressing how I feel about my life. I guess I grew up watching too many made-for-tv movies about abuse, and I always felt thankful that I had a good life.. especially a good father.

Temperance

I have never known any of my friends to thank their real parents for raising them. Some of them actually want to be adopted which I find dumb. I thank my parents a lot but I don't tell them. I am adopted and never talk about it with my APs. I thank them in my writing. I thank them in my dreams and I thank them in my heats. Most children who were raised with their natural parents don't see the need to thank them. They expect it. But they just don't realize how fortunate they are. I know it seems like I'm rambling, but. Yeah. It is just because of expectations and all.

Hope I helped

Tempe

Not Adopted

I think the difference is that adoptees are made to feel grateful for things the rest of us take for granted. For example, they are told to be grateful for having a roof over your head and food to eat, being rescued from a loser mother, or not being aborted or thrown in a dumpster.

I was never "grateful" for the obvious things we all have a right to, such as food, shelter, a mother, and life. But adoptees are made to feel they have to be extra thankful for the basic things all people have right to.

Now, I am THANKFUL (not grateful) for the extra thinks my family did for me, such as extracurricular activities, etc. They went the extra mile on a lot of things, and I am thankful for that because I know a lot of kids who didn't get to enjoy extra classes and activities. But that is definitely not the same as being "grateful" for getting the basic things we all have a right to.

Sofiakat

I was shocked when my then 2 year old and 3 year old adopted children thanked me for EVERY meal I made them, for every morsel of food for the first year they were with us. I was incredibly relieved when they stopped doing it and understood that it was their RIGHT to be fed.
I do believe that they were incredibly grateful for something that they should have just taken for granted. It was really disturbing to my husband and I.
They also seemed to grateful for other things, including affection and new clothing (even if the clothes were second hand). That really bothered me. The last thing I wanted them to feel was grateful. I wanted them to simply feel safe and loved.
My daughter no longer does this with anything, but my son still does every so often. Like when I went to his concert at school last year he kept thanking me over and over. I told him there was no need to thank me because there is no other place I would rather be.
So I sorta see what you mean.

Dreamweaver ILF posse 2009

wow...I am even more 'grateful' than ever!!! I was NEVER made to feel I HAD to feel thankful they 'took me in'. I am their daughter, neice, sister, cousin, aunt, great aunt and have never ever ever felt any different.

*sighs and feels sad for those who feel that HAD to be thankful*

Jennifer L

No, I was born and raised in my natural family and I have told my mother on numerous occasions, that I am grateful for being raised in a happy and loving household.

ETA: Maybe "thankful" is a better word. There is a slightly different nuance between "thankful" and "grateful".

ladybmw1218

I was raised with my natural family, and am very grateful for how they parented. I was especially grateful after I learned about my in-laws and the unbelievable cr*p my husband put up with from his parents.

I guess not all kids say that, but some do, especially if they have something to compare their upbringing to.

Serenity71

I was raised by my bio parents, I love them (Even though they made heaps of mistakes when i was a teenager) But in general it goes unspoken. When I became a mother I did thank mum for everything she did and i felt I finally understood in full some of their actions that I didn't agree with. I think I say it more to other people than I do to them. Maybe I should say it more then instead. We weren't a vocal family when it came to saying "I love you." Working to change that in my own family...

Edit; The only talk of 'gratitude' came from people who would say that my parents work hard, be grateful you have nice clothes etc. (Or dad/mum when they become irritated or cranky.) The usual guilt that can be put on kids/teens when they play up over something or become demanding for toys and things. Anyway I hope that answers the question.

Kim

I always say how grateful I am for what my Mum & Step Dad have done for me & how they have raised me - BUT i don't think I have ever said it to them! I have always said thanks for everything but never for the way they have raised me - I will now though - It has just never came up in conversation with me - maybe the same with your children! I'm sure they are grateful though!

Anha S

I feel there is this unspoken expectation of heaps more gratitude towards AP from the adoptees. After all, I could have been abandoned to a life of foster care, or lived with a drug addled harpie, or neglected and unloved. And this from the counselor who was supposed to be listening to me after I got the courage to tell someone about what was really going on at home. I think it goes to the image of APs as rescuers or saints. This need for greatfulness was spoonfed to me and my brother by everyone around us growing up, and if we behaved in a manner that wasn't greatful, we were chastized and belittled.

I'm not saying I'm not grateful for anything my aparents did, but I don't think there should be an expectation of it just because they took on someone else's kids.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

i have a brother who is a "real" kid. he never expressed anything like that. i always felt like i was supposed to be grateful.

sunny

But we're dependent on the "kindness of strangers" as the saying goes.

I'm sure your raised children were never told by strangers, teachers, other parents, and other kids that they ought to be grateful. But we have OVER and OVER.

The myth is that we came from trash and needed to be saved. Too bad people can't see the REALITY, which is that often adopted kids save their aparents from a childless existence.

But we are seen as the ones with debt to pay.

rainwriterm

I think there is a definite situational difference. Adopted children know that with out their adoptive parents they would have been in a not so great situation like foster care, abusive parents, or orphanages. They can see the bad situations they could have been in with out their adoptive parents.

Children who grow up in their natural families don't see these as things that could have happened. They are just as grateful to their parents for raising them (generally speaking), but they don't see how with out their parents they could have been in a bad situation.

I've struggled with this a bit growing up, but I, growing up in my natural family, am so grateful and thankful to my family for raising me and teaching me to become the person I am now.

i am not adopted and i have thanked my parents. I did not do so until i was in college and did tutoring at an inner city school. My brother and I both have learning disabilities and we went to inner city schools and we were years head of these seemingly "normal" children. I saw 5th graders who could hardly read picture books and many of the kids in this school lived at a local shelter. I called my mom and thanked her for pushing us and for actually caring. Many of these kids would do fine if they actually had someone who checked homework and set rules at home. I was surprised when half the class could tell my what happened on the Late show the night before. They had no bed time and did what they wanted
So i know at least me i thanked my parents but i did not know how what they did for me till i was grown

Haven_Summers

If the adopted children learn they are adopted when their adoptive parents think they are ready they might vocalize this. Me I dont have to say it I know it. Sure I tested the waters a few times, what kid hasnt in their own way. Im sure I would have done this wether I was adopted or not

I have never insulted my adoptive parents by saying Im grateful for how they raised me. Im damn grateful though they adopted me and made me a permanate part of their family thats what Im Grateful for.

Shauna

I think it depends on the person. I was raised by my natural parents, and I tell them all the time how grateful I am to them, and what they have done for me.

Gaia Raain

I have heard people say this of their biological parents who raised them, yes. BUT, it's not with the same tone, nor does it have the same meaning behind it. For instance, a friend will hear about my childhood, and then state that they are so grateful that their parents were not abusive like mine were. But what I hear from/about adoptees is that they would be expected to be grateful REGARDLESS of abuse - simply because they were "taken in". Huge difference there.

Minnimouse

The reason why the grateful thing is hard to swollow for adoptees is that while I have grieved my lost parents (just like any death as this is what it is like) my adoptive parents will say "aren't you grateful for what you have?".

Have you ever heard someone say when someone is bawling their eyes out because they miss their mother who died in a car accident "oh don't cry be grateful your father is still alive" as if somehow because you have someone else you shouldn't grieve the person you lost. It is completely disrespectful and is irrelivant. The life an adoptee has now has nothing to do with the grief and confusion they go through throughout their lives.

I am thankful for the life I have been provided by my adoptive parents but the reason why the word grateful is hurtful is because it is used to shut an adoptee up when they need to grieve (which will happen throughout their life) rather than to comfort them.

Annabelle

Good point. I did finally thank my mom for taking such good care of me but not until I got my own taste of what a colicky me must have been like for her.

Independ"ant"

Good question....I can't count the number of times my natural parents told my siblings and I how grateful and fortunate they were that they had such healthy and good natured kids. It was usually around the times we did volunteer work or stuff together.

I can't recall ever saying Im grateful or appreciative for having involved parents....I was raised to expect adults to be responsible. Its their job to be good role models for their kids. I may say Im fortunate for certain values my parents instilled in us but not for having normal parents in general.

When we were exposed to adults that weren't... they were just considered people in need of help.

My natural parents didn't consider themselves Saints or Saviors for giving birth and raising their children. They would actually laugh if someone referred to them as one. They know there is always room for improvement and having children was their decision.

Theresa

It's verbal stockholm syndrome.

When I had the entire world telling me over and over ad nauseum how grateful I should be, I just started to mindlessly parrot it.

Also it's an acceptable thing to say, and I wanted desperately for people to accept and approve of me. It's ritualistic actually, like memorized phrases at church, I couldn't talk adoption without prefacing it with the grateful what great parents I had line. How sick is that?

It wasn't until I woke up and realized I wasn't saved from *anything* - if not for my adoptive parents, I would have just gone on to the upwardly mobile upper middle class duo next couple on the list.

Carol c

Sly, I've noticed the same thing. I grew up in my biological family and it never occurred to me that I was supposed to feel grateful - they brought me into the world and it seemed like they wanted me there. Never once did they convey that they expected to be thanked for that.

My son that I lost to adoption when I was 18 however, has often told me how his a parents have come through for him when he needed them to. Sometimes it almost sounds like a passive aggressive need to let me know that I wasn't there for him when he needed me.

He is not grateful to me for birthing him or finding him and letting him know I always loved him - he just seems to take that for granted. But gratitude clearly is a priority in his relationship with his parents.

Neil

Some do, some don't. Probably more do after becoming parents themselves than before!

Indian-vision

Sly- I would whack any one who suggests to my child that she should be gratefull for raising me.

As for do natural kids feeling gratitude. Call it my culture and race, i do feel thankfull very very often that god gave me good, loving , kind and wonderfull parents who gave me a good upbringing. No, we don't verbalise our thank you's as much. We show it physically with love.
Being Indian we are highly family oriented and believe in "joint family" system where we believe its our duty to take care of them and all of live in one house as a family. We do not seperate usually and live in seperate homes when we become adults, start to work and marry and have children. Its our form of gratitude and thank you. We have a single home (sometimes with little space) and we believe as children we MUST care for our parents and show our gratitude for the love and upbringing. This is Indian parenting and family life for you.

Sixfeettall

I was surprised to see this, and then read some of the answers, because I just came from reading a thread that made me glad I never adopted a child. The adoptees all seemed so bitter against their adoptive parents and complaining about the imagined reasons their parents adopted them, all of them selfish on the PARENTS' parts, of course.

My daughter (natural, teenager) has told me some specific ways she is thankful that I raised her mostly having to do with getting divorced and then raising her sensibly and to be self-sufficient. I personally didn't really appreciate everything my parents did until I was well into adulthood and was able to see the negative and the positive both.

littleJaina

I think this is the major difference - adoptive parents cannot be held accountable for creating the child in the first place. It's like, when you bring a child into the world, then you'd better be ready to take care of it, because that's what the job is. Biological children are not as likely to be as expressively thankful because as much as their parents gave them, there are still all those awful teenage years in the back of their minds where they blame their parents for creating them to begin with.

Where as, an adoptive child simply cannot blame his/her adoptive parents for creating him/her. Everything about an adoptive relationship is situational. You brought me here, in this place you loved me, you took care of me, etc. (or, it could go the other way "You stole me, you deprived me, etc"). Thus, adoption gets to skip the whole messy issue of "causation of life".

Isn't it the Buddists who say "Life is Suffering"? I'm not trying to sound depressed or anything, but in a big way it's true. I think part of the reason that many biological children are less openly thankful is because they're still busy blaming their parents for life.

AdoreHim

If I had been my parents biological child, I most likely would tell them how grateful I am for them. There is nothing wrong with that. I am adopted and I DO appreciate my parents-however, it has nothing do with adoption. That does not mean that your kids have to tell you this- I just do. If it is because I am adopted- why does that bother you so much? At least I have parents to be able to tell it too, my birth mom gave me life- she did not abort me so that I would never have a chance to tell my adoptive parents how thankful I am.

crazychickizback

I am grateful to my mom for all the sacrifices she made for me. She took a menial job cleaning houses when I was a baby so I never had to go to daycare. I've never once been watched by a babysitter. She even refused to have any more kids even though my dad wanted more just because I (at 2 years old) told her I didn't want to share her. She takes off of her job to drive me around to my modeling jobs and worms her way in with the designers to help me get more than my fair share.She's always there for me and she's my best friend, my other friends even know it.Granted, if I was adopted I would be MORE grateful, but I tell her how lucky I am to have her and how amazing she is every day

EDIT-would someone like to explain why saying that I tell my mom how amazing she is earns me disapproval?

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