Do many/most first/birth/natural parents feel this way?

Felicita1

I found this question myself, on the Bethany board. It looks like it has only been a few yrs since this mother surrendered her child. She admits to anger but has NO idea whom/what it is aimed at. A lot of her anger appears to be at herself.

"I don't know for sure why I'm angry. It's not often but just pops up occasionally. Mostly I think it's do to the fact that I put myself in the position to have to go on this adoption journey. I can't make sense of anything. Everything regarding it is a jumble. Feelings and emotions go back and forth and up and down about it. As you can read...I can't really put it into words yet. "

And traumatized? you bet!

"he came up to me with his face to my face and I reached around to give him a hug as we laughed together. I can tell you in that moment my heart soared. In fact I had to pull away because it was just too intense for me. I had to stop myself from crying"

So, she cannot even hug her own son w/o it causing all sorts of reactions in her, many of which she has no idea of the cause of.

Dissociation? Yup.

"I haven't really posted in this forum for so long because it's just too sad. Too too sad. I just keep going back to that hospital room and I just want to cry. I can't think about it, it's easier to just ignore it. "

So right now it is "safe" for her to remain emotionally "distant" from him. If she did realize the full extent of her love and connection for him, she'd likely be devastated. Right now she's "in the adoption fog" like many of us were for the first few yrs/months. It is once that fog wears off and delayed-onset PTSD really hits that she'll never be the same again, and she like many moms will wish they could be back in that fog of trauma-induced shock and numbness.

.....

â€œThis magnitude of loss is, to say the least, difficult for her to overcome. Sometimes the best a birthmother can do is to remain in denial and numbness for the rest of her adult life, unconsciously encumbered by her silent sorrow.â€ Davidson, Michelene K., 1994. â€œHealing the Birthmother's Silent Sorrow, Family Systems Research and Therapy, Volume 3, (pp. 69-89). Encino, CA : Phillips Graduate Institute.

sunny

She doesn't think of him that way--because if she did, she'd have to admit that she abandoned her child.

that's a lot to live with.

MamaKate

I think people pressured me to feel that way but I never have.

I will always love all of my kids and I will do whatever I can to ensure that they grow up to be happy and healthy adults. I have never felt "less" about any of them. My relationships are different but my feelings and my willingness to do what I can for them has never faltered - none of my relationships with any of my children is "worth' or means any less to me. I am willing to admit that I am not perfect and have made mistakes and I have done what I can to correct my errors to the best of my ability.

I understand why and how she may feel this way, especially knowing what is said and how First Parents are generally treated but I do not think most of us feel that way. I also think that it in some cases where FPs DO feel this way it can be a temporary thing.

jessica300

I didn't understand your question at first, but reading it in context as Felicita1 has done makes a whole lot more sense. I recognize both the trauma and the dissociative actions/reactions. This is what separating a baby from the mother does to the mother in many if not most cases. These feelings can last a life time. Why are we still unnecessarily separating mothers and babies?

almost human

I didn't relinquish, but I did have a C-section under general anesthesia and did not get to see my child born or for a day of recovery. I did not recognize her and there was no bonding.

It took many weeks for me to gain a connection with her, and we are the closest mom/daughter combo I have ever seen. Today is her birthday and she's the light of my life.

That's why I am so against relinquishing immediately after birth. You're disturbing something at it's most critical juncture. It's unnatural and cruel to deny someone the right to really know the ramifications of their decisions.

sam22254

My son's ex feels that way. He got his son for the summer (he has been fighting for this child since 2 days after birth) She the mother wouldn't even look at him. The daughter she kept is counting the days until her dad flys to the state and brings her brother home for christmas. This same mother doesn't want my son to bring her back until school starts again. Complaining no we feel lucky to have these children in our life's.

Flying Monkey #073177

I don't, at all. I parented my son for two years though so maybe that is why. I can't imagine not feeling like he is my child, like he isn't a part of my family. He is, he just isn't with us right now. Even if he should decide he wants nothing to do with me in the future he is, and always will be, my son.

naughty girl

I most defiantly feel that way, I never held or kissed or made physical contact with them. I don't even know my twins. Im married now and we have a son who is 14 months. i gave my twins up when i was 18 and im 24 now. I don't regret my decision in the least and wouldn't change anything. They are beautiful girls but they aren't mine. Ive seen them and they are five and going to school and it was like being around someone Else's children not mine.

awater

i was just thinking about that the other day. i recently visited J who is adopted and now 19 months old and i love her a ton, but not like the children i have at home with me. its more than what i feel for friend's kids but defintely not the same as my other kids.

Vasquez Family

If I had to put myself in her shoes I think she feels that way because if she finally realizes that he is her son her blood is running through him she is what brought him into this world. It might just pain her so much and cause so many emotions that she doesn't want to relive. It sounds selfish but she decided to give him to another family making him no longer hers so maybe it's better to not see him as her son, just the person who gave him life, kind of like a Sergent mother. She carries the baby but it's not hers. Does everyone understand me?! Hope so.

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